Prologue:
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She burst into the clearing. She could hear them close behind her, barking and growling, daring her to turn back and face them. She jumped into the river and swam quickly to the other bank a bit further down stream, shaking water from her body as she ran for her very life. She raced through the tiny stream of water that trickled down to the river. Doing everything she could to conceal her scent, knowing that she would have to try harder to throw them off her trail. She leaped into a low tree branch, running onto other branches, moving tree to tree in as complex patterns as she could think of, wanting to confuse them by spreading her scent around while she still had the time. She criss-crossed over small sections of the lake. Smiling thinking that if they do catch her, she would have at least given them one hell of a chase.
After a good long while she bounded home. The thought struck her as she turned the corner. "I'm almost home, I'm free of them...." She stopped mid bound staring into the glazed eyes of one of the guards-her elder brother. She heard a small pathetic yelping sound nearby. She looked around and found the source, a mere pup, wrapped in cloth and limply held by its now dead mother. Its eyes were still closed, although seeming as if they'd open at any second. Before she knew what she was doing she drew her sword, a reflex upon seeing the young dog. She hesitated as the poor thing whimpered. She lowered her blade, forcing herself to believe that she merely wished not to stain it with the blood of an innocent, or at least defenseless pup.
She slid her sword back into its sheath and picked up the pup carefully. She took her dagger from the strap on her leg and pressed it to the infant's forehead, cutting out a small chunk of stone that had gotten stuck "from an explosion?" she pondered aloud. She withdrew the blade as the infant howled in pain, slowly putting it back in its sheath as well, letting the tiny trickle of blood run down the pup's face before dabbing the wound carefully with the herbal healing cloth she had packed to stop the bleeding.
She quickly ran to her home and hid the young pup from the others, taking care of him in secret for three years before telling anyone of his existence. They allowed her to keep him ten more years before he would be judged. Until then he was to be accepted as their own.
*--------------------------*
Even though he was a dog, I couldn't help wanting to be around him. I had been so happy when they decided to let him stay after her turned thirteen seasons. Now, at fifteen he was the most handsome guy in our village, at least he was to me. He had dark brown hair that he cropped off just below his ears and deep blue eyes that seem to go on forever. He's jus a smidge taller than NightStorm, who would've been the tallest guy in our village if it weren't for him. While the other girls were over there gawking at NightStorm, I had eyes for him alone. I watched him leave the village and go to his secret clearing. I'd watch him lie on the smooth moss covered rock in the center with his eyes closed, his finger tracing the scar on his forehead. His tail would be wrapped partially around his waist, too short to wrap all the way around. His ears are floppy and they look so soft, one of them was almost always covering one his eyes. I loved that he was different. He smelled like us for the most part, but underneath you could still smell that he was a dog. I sat in the bushes, hidden from view watching him. I would like it if he could be my mate, but for now we can barely be friends, and if Mother has anything to say of it, that it all we will ever be...
*--------------------------*
I knew she was there. I could smell her since she was upwind from me, but I didn't mind her being there. I liked her, she was my friend, even though I knew her Mother didn't approve of even that. But I liked her and thought about her a lot, when I was alone and sometimes at night...I stopped myself when I thought about her that way though, I figure she deserves better than me, or at least anothr cat. I often thought of kissing her though, even if just as a friend, on the cheek or something, but I don't know how she'd take it, even if I tried. I really want to but I wouldn't want her to be mad at me.
*--------------------------*
I sat on a branch later that day, pulling pine needles off of a tiny branch. "he loves me, loves me not, loves me" I murmured softly. I froze as I came to the last one and purred softly, blushing as I pulled it "loves me" I murmured softly. I leaped silently from the tree branch and padded quietly to the small den in the remains of a hollowing tree that was B.T's home I found him curled up in the spacious den and crept up to him, gently rubbing his ears and purring softly, he was in a deep sleep for now and I smiled softly before leaving, planning to come back the next night to see him. I left the den and returned to my own, falling asleep with a smile on my face.
*--------------------------*
When I woke up I could faintly smell her, it was as if she had been there or something. I shook my head, figuring that I must still be dreaming and slipped out into the cool morning air, shaking a little dirt off my body and my tail. I padded slowly down to the stream and slowly removed my clothing, slipping into the cool water and shivering slightly before swimming to the middle of the stream, rubbing my body slowly to clean myself off a little bit. I froze as I heard a twig snap and I looked up sniffing the air curiously for a moment. It was her again. I blushed slightly and lowered myself further down in the water so that only my head was exposed as she approached...
*--------------------------*
I blushed a little as I realized I had caught B.T. bathing "oh, umm...h-hi B.T." I said, speaking softly "sorry to interrupt....I didn't know anyone was here..." I blushed and looked at his face, wrapping my tail around my waist out of habit and blinking. "ummm... I'll see you later B.T." I said before turning and padding away. I waited till I was out of sight before I started to run, my face red, back to the tree I sat in the night before. I heard footsteps and my ears perked up in curiosity. I blinked as NightStorm stepped into my view. "Hello there sweet heart" he purred as he approached "Do you have an answer for me tonight?"
The hairs stood up on the nape of my neck as he spoke. "N-no" I said nervously. He sighed softly "Sweet Rain...still no answer for me love?" she said softly, drawing near and lifting my chin to look into my eyes. His gaze was truly and powerfully enchanting, it made me even more nervous. "N-no, I meant that my answer is no." I spoke softly, my eyes undoubtedly betraying the fear that I was feeling at that moment, my body tensing, ready to run. His hand rose up and I flinched, afraid that he would strike me, but he just turned and left without saying a word.
*----------------------------*
I spent most the day working in the village so I was pretty tired when I headed back home to my den. I curled up into a ball and thought about what had happened that morning, blushing a little bit still "it's not like I have anything to hide from the waist up" I thought to myself , "there wasn't any need to have ducked down farther like I did" I shook my head slowly and slowly drifted off to sleep again.
*----------------------------*
I sat at the base of the tree until dark smiling softly as I thought of B.T. I wrapped my tail around my waist partially, thinking, wondering if B.T would mind if he knew I came to see him last night. I blushesd wondering if he had caught my scent when he woke up. "Only one way to find out" I murmured softly smiling as I stood, slowly padding to his den. I ducked inside and found him asleep once again, I smiled and lay next to him careful not to wake him up, snuggling against him a little bit and scratching his ears slowly, making him murr softly in his sleep and wag his tail slowly. I smiled and purred softly before drifting off to sleep.
*----------------------------*
I woke up a lot earlier than usual, my nostrils instantly filled with her scent. I opened my eyes and gasped softly, tensing, surprised to find her next to me. "Rain....?" I murmured softly. I nuzzled her neck fondly then whimpered "please don't tempt me ike this... it's not fair... I..."I stammered then blushed, pulling away from her slighty. She pulled me bac and nuzzled my neck fur, purring softly then she kissed me. I froze for a oment, my ears lowering ever so slightly befoe I bolted out the opening of my den. I run until I reached a group of trees I wasn't familiar with and fell aning against an old pine. My breath came in short gasps as I waited for me heart to stop pounding so wildly in my chest...
*------------****------------*
I couldn't help but smirk as the mutt scrambed out of his den. But I still couldn't believe what Rain thought that she was doing. Why was she so attracted to that damn mutt foundling? I shook my head n disbelief. I would have her as my mate, she was a beauty for sure, ecven though she was a bit headstrong, but I was sure that I could break her. She'd make a good mae, once she learned her place-by my side.
*--------------------------*
I sighed softly, wondering if I had scared him off for good as I creeped out of his den and headed back to my own. I turned back the oak when A hand grabbed by arm and jerked it back, making me cry out. It was NightStorm agan. I hissed at him, completely irritated. "What do you want now?" I demanded angerily. She kissed me firmly and I pulled away clawing at him with my fee hand. He just laughed at me and grabbed a fistful of my hair. "Listen up Rain, yif you know what's good for you you'll stay away from that damn mutt" she said, his voice ice cold, sending chills down my spine as he turned me looe. I stared at him for a moment before turning and running as fast as I coul back to my den. I heard him moving along in the tree tops so when someone dropped down behind me I turned and told him to go away, I froze as I stared into the eyes of a dog warrior, then everything went black.....
*-------------------------*
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She burst into the clearing. She could hear them close behind her, barking and growling, daring her to turn back and face them. She jumped into the river and swam quickly to the other bank a bit further down stream, shaking water from her body as she ran for her very life. She raced through the tiny stream of water that trickled down to the river. Doing everything she could to conceal her scent, knowing that she would have to try harder to throw them off her trail. She leaped into a low tree branch, running onto other branches, moving tree to tree in as complex patterns as she could think of, wanting to confuse them by spreading her scent around while she still had the time. She criss-crossed over small sections of the lake. Smiling thinking that if they do catch her, she would have at least given them one hell of a chase.
After a good long while she bounded home. The thought struck her as she turned the corner. "I'm almost home, I'm free of them...." She stopped mid bound staring into the glazed eyes of one of the guards-her elder brother. She heard a small pathetic yelping sound nearby. She looked around and found the source, a mere pup, wrapped in cloth and limply held by its now dead mother. Its eyes were still closed, although seeming as if they'd open at any second. Before she knew what she was doing she drew her sword, a reflex upon seeing the young dog. She hesitated as the poor thing whimpered. She lowered her blade, forcing herself to believe that she merely wished not to stain it with the blood of an innocent, or at least defenseless pup.
She slid her sword back into its sheath and picked up the pup carefully. She took her dagger from the strap on her leg and pressed it to the infant's forehead, cutting out a small chunk of stone that had gotten stuck "from an explosion?" she pondered aloud. She withdrew the blade as the infant howled in pain, slowly putting it back in its sheath as well, letting the tiny trickle of blood run down the pup's face before dabbing the wound carefully with the herbal healing cloth she had packed to stop the bleeding.
She quickly ran to her home and hid the young pup from the others, taking care of him in secret for three years before telling anyone of his existence. They allowed her to keep him ten more years before he would be judged. Until then he was to be accepted as their own.
*--------------------------*
Even though he was a dog, I couldn't help wanting to be around him. I had been so happy when they decided to let him stay after her turned thirteen seasons. Now, at fifteen he was the most handsome guy in our village, at least he was to me. He had dark brown hair that he cropped off just below his ears and deep blue eyes that seem to go on forever. He's jus a smidge taller than NightStorm, who would've been the tallest guy in our village if it weren't for him. While the other girls were over there gawking at NightStorm, I had eyes for him alone. I watched him leave the village and go to his secret clearing. I'd watch him lie on the smooth moss covered rock in the center with his eyes closed, his finger tracing the scar on his forehead. His tail would be wrapped partially around his waist, too short to wrap all the way around. His ears are floppy and they look so soft, one of them was almost always covering one his eyes. I loved that he was different. He smelled like us for the most part, but underneath you could still smell that he was a dog. I sat in the bushes, hidden from view watching him. I would like it if he could be my mate, but for now we can barely be friends, and if Mother has anything to say of it, that it all we will ever be...
*--------------------------*
I knew she was there. I could smell her since she was upwind from me, but I didn't mind her being there. I liked her, she was my friend, even though I knew her Mother didn't approve of even that. But I liked her and thought about her a lot, when I was alone and sometimes at night...I stopped myself when I thought about her that way though, I figure she deserves better than me, or at least anothr cat. I often thought of kissing her though, even if just as a friend, on the cheek or something, but I don't know how she'd take it, even if I tried. I really want to but I wouldn't want her to be mad at me.
*--------------------------*
I sat on a branch later that day, pulling pine needles off of a tiny branch. "he loves me, loves me not, loves me" I murmured softly. I froze as I came to the last one and purred softly, blushing as I pulled it "loves me" I murmured softly. I leaped silently from the tree branch and padded quietly to the small den in the remains of a hollowing tree that was B.T's home I found him curled up in the spacious den and crept up to him, gently rubbing his ears and purring softly, he was in a deep sleep for now and I smiled softly before leaving, planning to come back the next night to see him. I left the den and returned to my own, falling asleep with a smile on my face.
*--------------------------*
When I woke up I could faintly smell her, it was as if she had been there or something. I shook my head, figuring that I must still be dreaming and slipped out into the cool morning air, shaking a little dirt off my body and my tail. I padded slowly down to the stream and slowly removed my clothing, slipping into the cool water and shivering slightly before swimming to the middle of the stream, rubbing my body slowly to clean myself off a little bit. I froze as I heard a twig snap and I looked up sniffing the air curiously for a moment. It was her again. I blushed slightly and lowered myself further down in the water so that only my head was exposed as she approached...
*--------------------------*
I blushed a little as I realized I had caught B.T. bathing "oh, umm...h-hi B.T." I said, speaking softly "sorry to interrupt....I didn't know anyone was here..." I blushed and looked at his face, wrapping my tail around my waist out of habit and blinking. "ummm... I'll see you later B.T." I said before turning and padding away. I waited till I was out of sight before I started to run, my face red, back to the tree I sat in the night before. I heard footsteps and my ears perked up in curiosity. I blinked as NightStorm stepped into my view. "Hello there sweet heart" he purred as he approached "Do you have an answer for me tonight?"
The hairs stood up on the nape of my neck as he spoke. "N-no" I said nervously. He sighed softly "Sweet Rain...still no answer for me love?" she said softly, drawing near and lifting my chin to look into my eyes. His gaze was truly and powerfully enchanting, it made me even more nervous. "N-no, I meant that my answer is no." I spoke softly, my eyes undoubtedly betraying the fear that I was feeling at that moment, my body tensing, ready to run. His hand rose up and I flinched, afraid that he would strike me, but he just turned and left without saying a word.
*----------------------------*
I spent most the day working in the village so I was pretty tired when I headed back home to my den. I curled up into a ball and thought about what had happened that morning, blushing a little bit still "it's not like I have anything to hide from the waist up" I thought to myself , "there wasn't any need to have ducked down farther like I did" I shook my head slowly and slowly drifted off to sleep again.
*----------------------------*
I sat at the base of the tree until dark smiling softly as I thought of B.T. I wrapped my tail around my waist partially, thinking, wondering if B.T would mind if he knew I came to see him last night. I blushesd wondering if he had caught my scent when he woke up. "Only one way to find out" I murmured softly smiling as I stood, slowly padding to his den. I ducked inside and found him asleep once again, I smiled and lay next to him careful not to wake him up, snuggling against him a little bit and scratching his ears slowly, making him murr softly in his sleep and wag his tail slowly. I smiled and purred softly before drifting off to sleep.
*----------------------------*
I woke up a lot earlier than usual, my nostrils instantly filled with her scent. I opened my eyes and gasped softly, tensing, surprised to find her next to me. "Rain....?" I murmured softly. I nuzzled her neck fondly then whimpered "please don't tempt me ike this... it's not fair... I..."I stammered then blushed, pulling away from her slighty. She pulled me bac and nuzzled my neck fur, purring softly then she kissed me. I froze for a oment, my ears lowering ever so slightly befoe I bolted out the opening of my den. I run until I reached a group of trees I wasn't familiar with and fell aning against an old pine. My breath came in short gasps as I waited for me heart to stop pounding so wildly in my chest...
*------------****------------*
I couldn't help but smirk as the mutt scrambed out of his den. But I still couldn't believe what Rain thought that she was doing. Why was she so attracted to that damn mutt foundling? I shook my head n disbelief. I would have her as my mate, she was a beauty for sure, ecven though she was a bit headstrong, but I was sure that I could break her. She'd make a good mae, once she learned her place-by my side.
*--------------------------*
I sighed softly, wondering if I had scared him off for good as I creeped out of his den and headed back to my own. I turned back the oak when A hand grabbed by arm and jerked it back, making me cry out. It was NightStorm agan. I hissed at him, completely irritated. "What do you want now?" I demanded angerily. She kissed me firmly and I pulled away clawing at him with my fee hand. He just laughed at me and grabbed a fistful of my hair. "Listen up Rain, yif you know what's good for you you'll stay away from that damn mutt" she said, his voice ice cold, sending chills down my spine as he turned me looe. I stared at him for a moment before turning and running as fast as I coul back to my den. I heard him moving along in the tree tops so when someone dropped down behind me I turned and told him to go away, I froze as I stared into the eyes of a dog warrior, then everything went black.....
*-------------------------*
Author notes
A typical impossible love story. Two young people fall in love, they figure they can't be together, they meet in secret, people find out about them etc.
Comments needed! I'm planning on publishing this story someday so i need to know if it's even worth the effort!
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I dunno if this will make it as novel, perhaps I could try turning it into a manga...... no I don't have the patience to draw out all these scenes.....
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A nice story overall, but it has a few issues. First of all, "She jumped into the river and swam quickly to the other bank a bit further down stream, shaking water from her body as she ran for her very life, she ran through the tiny stream of water that trickled down to the river, doing everything to conceal her scent, knowing all the while that she would have to try harder to throw them off her trail" is a huge run on sentence. You had a pretty good balance of short and long going, but then that long sentence threw me off. I love commas as much as you, but replace some of them with periods to make for a more effective story.
Also, the "she"s in the first section were overwhelming. She did this, she did that. Replace some of the "she"s with "the girl"s or something to that effect.
Nice story, overall. I like it. -
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I see what you mean
I tend to make run on sentences a lot. I've fixed a whol lot of them in this story already. I guess I just missed that one. Thanks for pointing it out.
-Ash
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I felt there needed to be more dialogue, although the story line itself is nicely written. Perhaps some additional dialogue would liven things up a bit, but I did enjoy the read.

beginning: 2, language: 3, plot: 2, ending: 3, dialog: 2, characters: 2.
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Eh...... Still needs to be revised
I need to work on this a whole lot more.....
Maybe I should work on not using some words so much, and add more interesting twists, preferably ones that haven't been used to the point of no return yet. Anybody got any good ideas for me? It'd really help me out.beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, dialog: 2, characters: 2.
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This has a nice plot. Though theres not really any talking, it doesnt matter all that much. It also has good imagrey. Good job!


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