SteinowitzSpace: A Farcical Adventure through the Exciting Worlds of the Internets, and those People who Maintain Them

Character Descriptions:

Stan Steinowitz:
A nerdy programmer and a complete nebbish, Stan is completely addicted to social networking sites like MySpace and Facebook. One day, he decides to make his own. Stan is mostly the “straight man” of the show, and is in literally every scene.

Joe:
Stan’s best friend. His character changes over the course of the show: He begins as an irritable, take-no-crap, sensible guy, but ends addicted to SteinowitzSpace. Lots of joke lines.

Sydney:
Sydney starts out as the simple object of Stan’s affections, but grows in the last scene to be a vehement critic of SteinowitzSpace.
Scene 1

Darkness. Suddenly, the glow of a computer screen. We hear some typing noises and can barely see what’s on the screen. STANLEY STEINOWITZ is typing code. A voice cuts in. Stan answers quickly.

Joe:
Stan?

Stan:
Yeah.

Joe:
It’s three A.M.

Stan:
Yeah.

Joe:
You’re on MySpace.

Stan:
Yeah.

Joe:
It’s three A.M….. And you’re on MySpace.

Pause.

Stan:
Yeah.

We hear rustling noises as Joe gets out of bed and walks lazily over to Stan and his computer.

Stan:
OW!!!

Joe:
Sleep now. Top 8 later.

Joe goes back to bed, and Stan shuts off the computer. Total darkness again.

Stan:
Awww….

Scene 2

Joe and Stan are sitting in class, with two chairs pointed toward the audience. Facing the same way, but distanced from them, is SYDNEY, a pretty girl about Stan’s age. She’s bored. She chews her gum, does her nails… Whatever. Stan speaks.

Stan:
So I was on Facebook yesterday… And it got me thinking…

Joe:
My God, Stan, do you ever shut up about those websites? “I was on MySpace!” “I was on Facebook!” “I was on Xanga!” “I was on Bebo!”

Stan:
…Bebo? What’s Bebo?

They both look at the audience alertly.

Stan:
Sorry professor! We’ll keep quiet.

They speak more quietly.

Joe:
I have no idea what Bebo is! It was in your internet history, not mine. It sounds like one of those creepy developmental dolls for toddlers! Like Furby’s retarded cousin!

Stan:
Whatever. I must have just signed up for the picture space or something. But anyway, I wouldn’t be complaining if I were you. You have a Facebook.

Joe:
At least I use it moderately. At least I’m not stalking some girl who I don’t have the balls to ask out.

He looks at Sydney.

Stan:
Shhh! Shut up! She’ll hear you!

Joe looks back out.

Joe:
Just discussing the text, Professor Zuckerberg!


Stan:
Anyway, I was on Facebook, and I’d just been poked by like, four different people.

Joe:
…Poked?

Stan:
You know! Poked! “You have been poked by Bob. Poke them back?” It’s pointless. But that’s what I was thinking about. What’s the point? You just click the little button, and they get a little message… And nothing happens. That’s it. Why?

Joe:
I dunno. Maybe the guy who made it just got bored. Maybe it’s for people who are too lazy to actually write a message.

Stan:
I don’t know. If I were that lazy, I don’t think I’d want to use the poke button, either. Still a lot of clicking. It’s pretty lazy but it’s not, like… Zombie lazy.

Joe:
Zombie lazy?

They both look up.

Both:
Sorry!

Stan:
Yeah. That’s basically how you should judge everything. You have to ask yourself “could a zombie do it”?

Joe:
That’s stupid. Zombies are pretty smart. A zombie could figure out how to poke someone on Facebook.

Stan:
Dude, a Zombie has no brain. It couldn’t even move the mouse.

Joe:
Not true. Let’s say the Zombie just kind of stumbles in by accident – you know, fresh from eating good-looking teenagers or whatever – and happens to get in front of the computer.

Stan:
So, what you’re suggesting is that a Zombie randomly walks into the room, happens to fall on the computer, randomly moves the mouse onto the poke button, applies just enough pressure as to click it, and then lets go.

Pause.

Joe:
….Yeah.

Stan considers all this.

Stan:
But then how does he click “OK”?

Joe:
Stan, I hate you.

They both look straight in front of them.

Stan:
All right, all right, we’re going, we’re going!

Scene 3

Back in the dorm room, Joe and Stan sit around. Stan is typing away at his computer. Joe is reading a videogame magazine.

Stan:
GOD DAMNIT! NOT AGAIN!

He pounds his keyboard in ape-like frustration.

Joe:
What now?

Stan:
My MySpace account got hacked… Again. I’m really getting sick of this. You’d think Tom or somebody would fix it.

Joe:
Whatever. As long as Halo still works.

Stan:
I am not going to stand for this! I am going to…. I am going to file a bug report!

He begins typing, but then stops.

Stan:
Eh. Who am I kidding… No one ever reads those. I guess I’ll just have to make another profile….

Joe looks up from his magazine.

Joe:
Well, dude, you know, you could always just start your own.

Stan:
…What are you talking about?

Joe:
Well, you’re always complaining about MySpace, and you’re always bragging about how great you are at programming, and neither one of these things get me any piece and quiet… So I figure, why don’t you just try making your own one of these sites? You know, do it the Steinowitz way instead of the…. Tom way.

Stan:
….Joe! That may be the most brilliant idea you’ve ever had! Come to think of it, I think that’s the only brilliant idea you’ve ever had! High five!

Joe just stares at him. Stan moves back to his computer and begins to type furiously.

Stan:
This is going to take a while…

Joe:
Whatever. I think I’m going to go out.

He gets up.

Joe:
Good luck with that.

Joe leaves, and Stan clicks his mouse a couple of times.

Stan:
Ok, this is good… Better check MySpace a couple times first, though. Get some ideas.

More clicking.

Stan:
Hmm. This bulletin is interesting. Why yes, I would like eight free iPod nanos… Why yes, I am willing to give you my email address and password… Why yes, I- GOD DAMNIT!

Stan shuts the computer off.

Stan:
Whatever. Might as well go out myself for a while.

Stan exits.

Scene 4

Now it’s a bar, with a… Bar, stools, and, uh… Look, it’s a bar, OK? How hard is that? I’m not sure whether a bartender is necessary or not. Maybe I’ll do it. Either way, Stan walks in and uneasily sits down next to Sydney, who happens to be there. She is totally uninterested, and he looks away from her and puts on his most suave face.

Stan:
Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re a ten, I see.

He shakes his head.

Stan:
Is it hot in here, or is it just you?

He shakes his head again.

Stan:
Uh…. Are you tired?.... You’ve been running through my mind all day! …Oh God.

He sighs, takes a small gulp of his drink, and turns to Sydney, clumsily extending his hand.

Stan:
Uh… Hi Sydney! Fancy seeing you here! It’s me, Stan Steinowitz, from your American Lit class!

Sydney displays little interest.

Sydney:
Oh. Hey.

Stan:
Um… Yeah. So, uh… You come here often?


Sydney:
Not really. I just kinda wanted to get away from my dorm for a while.

Stan:
Hey! Same here! Is your roommate an asshole, too?!

He looks away, and smacks himself, realizing what he’s just said.

Sydney:
Not really.

Last resort:

Stan:
So… Uh….. Do you have a MySpace?

Sydney:
Nope. I could never really-

Stan lights up.

Stan:
Well you should try out my website. It’s like MySpace, only better.

Sydney:
Oh. That sounds pretty cool. As long as it’s safe, and everything. What’s it called.

Stan:
It’s called…. Uh…. It’s called…. SteinowitzSpace!

Blackout.

Scene 5

Back in the dorm, Stan is typing like some sort of furious, fast-typing code monkey. Finally, his hands top. He stares at the screen.

Stan:
MY MASTERPIECE IS COMPLETE!!!

Suddenly, Joe slams the door open. If there were a competition for drunkenness, they’d accuse him of cheating and refuse him entry.

Joe:
Hey, everybody!

He stumbles around. Stan gets up.

Stan:
Joe…. It’s three A.M.! Where were you all this time?!

Joe:
You know. Phil’s. That ball. Bar. Good times, man.

Stan gets up and looks out the door that Joe just came in through, and stares out wide-eyed.

Stan:
Joe…. Did you just beat the shit out of a nun?!

Joe runs back to the door, pushing Stan out of the way. He screams out of it:

Joe:
I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE MORE POWERFUL THAN THAT, BATMAN!!!!

Joe slams the door and stumbles back toward Stan.

Stan:
Oh God… You’re drunk.

Joe turns around once again, and moves to the door.

Joe:
Yeeeeeah. I’m feelin’ I’m probably gonna go out to a few parties, you know-

Stan:
Uh… I don’t think that’s such a good idea. Um… Here, why don’t you make a profile on my new website? I need somebody to test it…

He leads Joe over to the computer, where he lazily sits down.

Joe:
Mmmm…. Ok.

Joe begins to gain a little clarity.

Joe:
Hey… This is actually pretty cool. Sweet colors.

Stan is exhausted, and plops down on his bed.

Stan:
…Thanks.

Joe types curiously, and Stan sleeps. Blackout. The computer screen is still visible, and the sounds of typing are still audible.

Scene 6

Joe is holding a camera, taking pictures of himself at odd angles. Stan remains asleep. The angles at which he takes pictures get progressively more strange and promiscuous. Finally, he looks around cautiously, and begins to take off his shirt. But before he gets past his stomach, Stan wakes up.

Stan:
…What are you doing?

Joe:
Ahh!!!

Joe drops the camera, and Stan begins to get up.

Stan:
What the hell is going on?

Joe:
Uh…. Nothing! Just taking a couple pictures for my SteinowitzSpace account. A lot of people are waiting for my new album.

Stan:
…Album? People? Joe, I put the site up six hours ago!

Joe:
I know, man! It’s amazing! You already have, like ten million members! It’s really cool. I think I have three hundred friends.

Stan:
No way!

Stan rushes over to the computer, pushing buttons like he’s never pushed before.

Stan:
This is incredible! You were right… Ten million members!

Joe:
Hit refresh.

Stan:
Whoa… Twenty million. Joe, this is amazing!

Joe:
I know… But we gotta go to class.

Stan:
Forget class! If this thing takes off, I’ll be rich. I’m going to go put up fliers!

Joe:
You do that, man!

Stan grabs a few pieces of paper and happily walks out. Joe looks around, and goes back to taking pictures.

Joe:
Oh baby….

Scene 7

Stan is putting up fliers, when Sydney walks up to him.

Stan:
Oh, hey Sydney! Did you try out SteinowitzSpace?

Sydney:
Hey, Stan. All my friends are talking about it… But no, I haven’t gotten around to it yet. Maybe I’ll set up an account.

Stan’s cell phone beeps.

Stan:
Hang on a minute…

It beeps again, repeatedly. He pulls it out.

Stan:
Whoa! Eighty three new text messages!

He scrolls through it a little.

Stan:
Murdotch, Rupert? Who the hell is “Murdotch, Rupert”? This one gets deleted.

Sydney shrugs. He puts it away.

Stan:
Sorry. I’ve just been putting up these fliers for the past few hours… But you should totally check the site out. You’d love it.

Sydney:
Maybe I will.

His phone stats ringing.

Stan:
Uh... Sorry. Hello?

Joe talks really loud.

Joe:
Stan! Get back to the dorm and come check this out!

Stan:
Why? What’s going on?

Joe:
You’ll see….

Stan:
Uh, ok. See ya.

Joe:
OK. Bye!

Pause.

Joe:
Do you have any idea how you hang up a touch-screen phone?

Stan:
You bought a touch screen phone?

Joe:
Yeah. I figured, we’re going to be rich soon anyway. Why not?

Stan:
…I’m going to be rich.

Joe:
Either way. Bye.

Long pause.

Joe:
Don’t you think there’d be like… a little red button, or something?

Stan hangs up.

Stan:
I’m sorry… I gotta go, Sydney. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.

Sydney:
Yep. I’ll make a profile on your site.

Stan:
Cool! I’ll add you.

Stan runs off. Blackout.

Scene 8

Stan runs into the empty apartment.

Stan:
Joe? Joe!?

Stan looks around, and Joe walks on without him noticing. Joe has his hair slicked diagonally, and has white makeup all over his face. Ridiculous amounts of black mascara surround his eyes. He taps Stan on the shoulder.

Stan:
AAAAAAGGGGGHH!!!!!!!!!!

Stan leaps back, scared shitless.

Stan:
Don’t eat me!

Joe:
What? It’s scene.

Stan realizes what’s going on.

Stan:
My God, Joe…. And what “scene” is it? The zombie scene? The serial killer scene!?


Joe:
No, dude. You’ve got it all wrong. You know, “scene”. Like goth or emo only, well… Uh…. Cooler. Anyway, it’s getting really popular on SteinowitzSpace.

Stan:
That’s… Disturbing.

Joe:
Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you! The reason I called you here was because your site got a billion members.

Stan:
…What?

Stan rushes over to the computer.

Joe:
Yeah. MySpace and Facebook have already gone out of business. Pretty sweet.

Stan:
Oh my God….

Joe:
Isn’t it awesome!?

Stan:
…Joe… Do you understand the implications of this? One sixth of the world’s population uses my site!

Joe:
I know, dude! Sweet deal!

Stan realizes something, and looks up from his computer.

Stan:
Joe… Why do you keep talking like that?

Joe:
It’s the lingo, man! Totally cool on SteinowitzSpace.

Stan:
…Right. I’m... kind of in shock right now. I think I’m going to work on the site for a while.

Joe:
Have fun, dude! I’m going to head down to the computer lab, and cruise for a few hours!

Stan:
Uh… Ok.

Stan sits down at the computer, and Joe happily walks out. Stan rubs his forehead, and begins to type. The lights dim, and there is a long, awkward silence. Suddenly, and without warning, a figure bursts through the door: It is a tall man wearing khaki pants and a plain white shirt. Taped across his head is a massive rendition of Tom’s (the creator of MySpace) famous MySpace display picture. He is holding a big, plastic sword.

Tom:
I am Tom! I created MySpace, and you have undermined me! Prepare to die!

Stan rises angrily, and grabs a sword, which was conveniently concealed below his computer.

Stan:
You will pay for my deleted profiles!

That music that played on Star Trek when Kirk got in a fight with the Klingon plays. You know, the really loud one where William Shatner is in a pit… And they have, uh… Bat’leths…. Oh fuck it. You know what I’m talking about. They engage in a fierce and wild battle with their swords, until the door bursts open and Tom runs out. In walks Sydney.

Sydney:
Stan?! Are you OK?!

Stan is bewildered.

Stan:
Uh… Yeah… I’m fine. Um... Just… Hallucinating. Anyway, did you hear about Steinowit-

Sydney:
That’s what I’m here to talk to you about, Stan. SteinowitzSpace has got to stop. It is stealing our youth and raping our children, like some sort of gigantic, digital version of Michael Jackson!

Stan:
You’re against SteinowitzSpace? But I thought-

Sydney:
It’s just not safe, Stan! Nine teenagers have already been seduced by the evils of your website.

Stan:
But that’s ridiculous! You can’t blame the website for improper use of it. That’s just teenagers being stupid and consenting to pedophiles!

Sydney:
Dude, I don’t actually care that much. The rally against you had free donuts and coffee. They sent me here.

Pause.

Stan:
Oh. Well, I guess that’s fair enough…. Wait. There’s entire rallies against me now?

Sydney:
Stan, your site has three billion members! How can you expect-

Suddenly, Joe rushes in. He’s holding a piece of paper he printed out.

Joe:
Dude! Listen to this!

Joe puts on a deep voice.

“The United Nations dissolved today after all major heads of state have announced that they are stepping down from their posts. One, who wishes to remain unnamed, said:”

Joe puts on a George W. Bush accent.

“‘That SteinowitzSpace is just too dang addicting. How can I be managing a country when I’d rather be sorting my pictures into albums?’ From now on, any actual wars will be resolved by message board flame wars. Speaking of which, this reporter has to go settle a dispute involving Pirates, Ninjas, and Chuck Norris.”

You’re famous, man!

Stan is astonished.

Sydney:
Stan… You’ve got to stop this!

Joe:
Hey, who’s this? You seem familiar… Aren’t you….

Sydney:
I’m Sydney. You probably know me as xDarkShadowyVampire123x.

Joe:
Right! I’m xRazorBladeKnifeCutCuttyBloodSoulxxxxx. Nice to finally meet you in person.

Stan looks at the two of them suspiciously, and then realizes something.

Stan:
…I’ve created a monster! I have to destroy SteinowitzSpace!

Joe:
No!

Sydney:
Yes!

Stan looks at both of them and, in a climactic moment, smashes his computer in. The screen dims off, and Joe is dismayed.

Joe:
No… My pictures! My beautiful, beautiful pictures!

Stan:
It was for the good of mankind, Joe.

Suddenly, there is a very abrupt blackout. Nobody can see a thing.

Sydney:
…What the hell?

Stan:
Wow. I guess all the people at the power plant were too busy checking their SteinowitzSpace’s to manage the electricity. Now that it’s gone… Well, I wouldn’t want to go back to my job if I were them.

Joe:
Dude. That sucks.

Stan:
Whatever. I guess we’ll just have to… I don’t know. Rebuild civilization or something.

Sydney:
Wouldn’t that take hundreds of years?

Stan:
It can’t be that hard. Cavemen did it.

Joe:
But… Could a Zombie do it?

Stan:
Shut up, Joe.

The End! Woo!