There she lies, so beautiful and silent.
A puddle of blood surrounds her head.
The blood is all over her clothes and in her soft brown hair.
I approach her quickly, though I don't utter a word.
My eyes fills with water, as I bend down and kiss her gently.
I draw my breath and try not to die from the sorrow building up inside.
Just last week, we bought this very house.
She was so happy when I told her I'd agree to buy it.
Now, I wish I never had.
Directly beneath the broken stairs, there she lies.
She is still breathing, which only makes it all so much worse.
I can see that she will never rise again, and my heart is broken.
I run my fingers across her hair, hoping she feels it.
Hopefully, she knows I'm here for her.
About a month ago, we got married.
The day of the marriage was like a cliche fairytale.
It was the best day of both our lives, and I shall always remember it in joy.
In her bloodstained hands rests her phone.
One of her fingers is wearing the diamond ring I gave her.
A silvery tear from my eye hits he ground, and mixes with the blood.
She must have been talking on her phone when she fell.
The phone was blank though, probably broken now.
I met her two years ago, at a theater.
We sat by each-other, two strangers back then.
Apparently, we had the same humor.
As she stops breathing, a breath of wind touches me.
I know she's going to heaven now, a better place.
But she is going so much sooner that I would have hoped.
We had so much we were going to do.
So many unfinished dreams and fairytales.
They will never see the light of day now, and neither will she.
We dated only once before we found out, we were meant to be.
Then we were officially together as a couple.
Forever, we thought.
My tears cannot be controlled now.
They flow like a river, making their way across the ocean of blood beneath.
I kiss her lips, one last time.
Then I sink down besides her, holding her in my arms.
The sadness is killing me from inside, and I do not fight it.
My river of tears will never dry.
I say only one word.
"Goodbye"
A contest entry
- Make Me Cry by creativediva.
125 points, ended April 22, 2007, 10 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything. by asthray.heart.
530 points, ended February 26, 2008, 23 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Clickyity Click! by asthray.heart.
450 points, ended April 27, 2007, 18 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
-
Awwwww. *sobs* (Wow, that comment below mine is loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong and Nicholas Sparks!!! Yayyyy I love him...anyway...back to commenting.) I loved it, as I loved everything else. Recurring theme, eh?
-
Drac,
Despite the accolades beneath (these people are amazing and not credible...but hey!) let me offer a couple of points. First, not only did I not shed a tear...I couldn't care less. How could anyone care about a character they do not know. I (or any intelligent and sane reader) cannot be moved to FEEL an emotion just because the narrator says "The sadness in killing me." Why? Who is this guy? Who cares? Very important, Drac, your voices (telling the story, through language and ideas and descriptions) seem to vary...to change! And the changes, in language, descriptions and concepts are ABRUPT! (Your readers, below, don't seem to care. Frankly, I think they haven't read very carefully!)But, as I believe YOU MIGHT CARE...let me offer the following:The first abrupt change in attitude...after a somewhat soft, sorrowful and nearly poetic start...you lapse into a practical, hard, cold prose: "Just last week, we bought this very house..." You know? (I could hear the background music change!) LEt me also add, many words you tend to use are unnecessary and not only really wasted...but they take away from the mood and flow of the story (amazing none of your readers below seem to notice any of this.)An example of some wasted and unneccesary words from the top:
(I'll capitalize them) Blood ALL OVER her clothes...("Blood ON" is better.)I approach HER quickly...I DON'T UTTER...("not uttering a word" is better)..."My eyes FILLS with water"...(My eyes "water" is better)"Sorrow BUILDING UP inside. (Just "sorrow inside" is enough. IF A MAN IS SO MOVED...HE WOULD NOT HAVE THE TIME TO GET INTO DETAILS! This is what I mean by the VOICE OF YOUR NARRATOR. I JUST COULDN'T BELIEVE THIS GUY! He is not consistent...not for real! Then...more extraneous lines: "we bought this VERY house! (what other house?)..."She was so happy WHEN I TOLD HER...I'D AGREE TO BUY IT!" Then..."NOW I wish I never had." (When else?) (WHY DO YOU NEED ALL THIS?) "and I shall always remember it in joy!" Just, (if you must) I remember it joyfully...is ENOUGH!
You have words like "DIRECTLY beneath the broken stairs..." Why is this upset, torn man concerned with a word like "DIRECTLY?" Isn't it more believable and real to write:"She lies beneath the stairs?" Why do you have to say "DIRECTLY?" Do you see what I mean? And what do you mean by: "She will never RISE again? Is she dead or what? You said she was still breathing? In a real situation like this the guy would be dialing 911...calling for help...frantic. Your guy just mopes, speculates and daydreams! C'mon. How could anybody care...for this guy...this dodo...or the lox at the foot of the stairs.(Evidently HE doesn't care...after saying that her BREATHING makes it SO MUCH WORSE! What kind of thing is this for a husband or boyfriend to say? And... Who was she? Just another body? C'mon, Drac...think about this. It reads cold and not to be believed. I couldn't believe the dopy comments on this piece. I also had to laugh at your line: "Hoping she knows I'm here for her!" Are you kidding? This guy HAS SO FAR DONE NOTHING!And, BTW, when was the last time your heard or saw a "tear" "HIT" the ground! Ba-Boom! Fall to the ground perhaps...but "HIT?" And why is this dope worried about her phone? ("Blank phone?" What the hell is a "blank" phone?)Why does he care if the phone is broken? HIS WIFE IS NEARLY DEAD...and he's worried about the phone?!
C'mon. This is TERRIBLE! Don't be so sloppy. And worst of all are the comments you got. I really have to wonder... what is the matter with these zombies?!
Incidentally...She's "going to heaven...a better place?" you KNOW this for a fact?
And when have "dreams and fairytales seen the light of day?" What kind of a mixed metaphor is that? Jeez! And my favorite: "Then...we were officially a couple!" (What the hell does that mean?) I hope you can redo this...and better still...never make the same kinds of mistakes again. They're kind of thoughtless. (as are some of the comments people took absolutely NO TIME to write to you!)And to the girl who wrote: "The most beautiful piece I have ever read"...I would recommend she read a little more)(A veritable...to quote you...OCEAN OF BLOOD!)
(See how bad exaggeration sounds?) -
-
Hey, Gary! Hehe =P
Your comments never fail in being overly long and descriptive...
Maybe you should post them as stories? =P
And wow... You just called everyone that liked this story unintelligent and insane...
Well done! =D
Hmm... the changes in language and view... abrupt?
You see, they come in every other paragraph! Ahh... Makes sense now? =)
First paragraph explains what he finds, second is an offering of background...
Third goes back to his view, and fourth is more background... And so on
And hey, this is (as you yourself said about the start) partly poetic, and it's a short story!
Therefore, I decided to use long sentances... More poetic and makes the story a tad longer =)
And yeah, he saw that she was so close to dead that 911 would be a waste of time..
He wanted to be there the last SECONDS of her life... which would be too little time for anyone to come...
and yeah, the breathing made it worse.. cause she was almost dead, but in pain...
He knew she would die, and wished for her to go without pain...
Wouldn't you want that for your love, or would you selfishly want her alive in pain for as long as possible?
Ofcourse you wouldn't want that =)
Hehe, he just made an observation about the phone... comeon... we need descriptions and trivial observations here =P
And, hehe, this might come as a shocker to you but... Other people have other points of view and other opinions than you! =O
You might think "nooo... it's impossible!", but let me tell you... Tis possible!
It's exactly that which keeps them from being mere zombies, as you so kindly describe them.
And the heaven part from the narrator is infact what he believes to be a fact!
I don't know, I'm agnostic for ya, but he has faith, and takes heaven as a fact!
And, hehe, if you don't know what officially being a couple is... then I can't help you =)
If you date someone, are you a couple? I wouldn't say so...
But at some point... You start kissing and being together all the time... Then you're officially a couple...
Hmm... Made sense? I said I couldn't help you =P
Hehe, you really hate people that like this piece, don't ya?
Well, I love them! =D
Hmm... Ocean of blood does only sound exaggerated when written like OCEAN OF BLOOD!
Hope this was a good reply =)
But I must say, your comments amuse me, thanks =)
-
-
your the next Nicholas Sparks
omg that was the most beautiful piece I've ever read. Your as good as Nicholas Sparks. I love his works and yours are just as good. he wrote that book The Notebook which is now a movie and he also wrote A Walk to Remembe which is now a movie.
-
Good luck in this one too
made me cry again.
-
Great story! There were emotions in this story. It was just beautifully sad. Good luck in the contest and take care.
October -
oh wow! the heartbreak in this is amazing and beautiful in the saddest way possible. i was able to feel so sorry for him, they should have been able to be happy.
very ogod job of bringing the reader in and excellent writting over-all.
-
This was rather sad, the pain was well into this and the emotion raw. You did a good job but and I liked this. Made me cry.
Wishn you well my dear and good luck in the contest.
Lady Madeline.
-
i felt this was really good, i didnt want to break away from it. It was sad and it would be aweful to be in that scenario, well donexxx
-
Aww, Mads, this is just so sad.. I wouldn't want to go through something like this.. and really, I'm a masochist but I don't like THIS kind of pain..
I wouldn't want to go through losing another loved one
I can feel the man's pain. I, too, would be so heartbroken if I were to find my beloved the same way... and I WILL allow myself to cry as much as I have to.
You've... written this so well. I don't know, it just struck me so much. Maybe it's connected to Sephie's death.. wah.
and now I'm all sad x.x
I HAVE to read happier stories now
Thanks for sharing this, Mads
-
So, I didn't cry..but I was so into the story..I felt like I was there..watching this scene take place..amazing..I'm floored..
The thing with this is though, a lot of tragedies are just this simple..falling down the stairs..and you're dead..it's very scary and I haven't read anything here yet, touching upon the subject of these sort of deaths and you did it very well
-
oh wow this was very nice keep up the great work and i dont no good job this was very well worded and i just loved it the detail here was great and this was very sad but good well done
-
this is so beautiful and heartbreaking! i'm actually getting a little teary.. keep on writing Mads! you're a great writer!
-
Darn my sensitivity!!! This had me close to tears. I felt the pain he was in, you did an excellent job.
Adding your comment:
1 - 14 of 14
