Full Of Heart

"Life among these people was getting harder. She never knew one day from the next, but she could always count on the hours blurring into each other. She was constantly fighting the darkness in her heart only to find it wasn't worth it," Katelyn read. It was her best friend's start to a novel. She could sympathize. She knew how it was to be without a cure for despair.1

"Rye," she called. It was her cutesy name for her boyfriend, Ryan. "What'd you think?"2

"I haven't finished it," he'd answered. "Give me time."3

"You've had enough," she teased, but moved into the living room. Ryan had only come into her life recently, abruptly. She only knew for certain that if it had come down to it, he'd saved her from herself......4

5

She'd drifted among the darkness for god only knows how long. Ryan had been bugging her for several days now, trying to push the edge of the despair, bringing her back into the life that she belonged in. 6

She'd sat among the willows one day, her favorite spot to read, reading a book written by Lurlene McDaniel. She'd felt someone watching her, but she didn't care. She was in another world entirely. She preferred it that way. She preferred fiction to reality.7

He sat down next to her and looked over her shoulder. He'd started reading her book without her even realizing it. When she started to turn the page, he whispered silkily in her ear, "Just a sec."8

She jumped, turning around to see who had sat down next to her. 9

He laughed softly, and soothed her anxiety, "Easy. It's just me."10

"Just you?" She raised her eyebrows at that. "Easy for you to say. I have to go." She grabbed her messenger bag, threw it over her shoulder and started to get up.11

"Please don't go," he begged, wrapping his fingers around her wrist. 12

She flinched, tears rising to her eyes.13

He looked affronted at the tears. "Please, Katelyn, what have I done to offend you so?"14

"It's not you, Ryan. It's life." She glanced around nervously. "Really," she insisted, "I must go." She left and disappeared among the willows to his dismay.15

16

That had certainly not been the first of her disappearing acts. He'd try to catch her among the group she hung out with at games and at lunch. Band was a hopeless case, but things could be done about that.17

She would evade him in the hallways, no matter if she had wanted something out of her locker or not. She'd see him at the locker she was given and she would find someone to talk to among the crowd and slip away. 18

It made him wonder several times if she was worth it. Yet, he knew that she would be once he got under her skin. Just the smell of her was enough to drive him nuts. She was full of citrus, in her smell and her hair, tart and bitter, but that's what made her heart, the heart that she was so full of. 19

Just that first look into those beautiful sapphire cut eyes of hers was enough to know that he wanted to heal that sorrow that was so often in them. 20

He watched her now, under the willows again, absorbed in her textbooks. She was so often alone. It was only when she saw him that she absorbed herself in company. They would get past that. He would see to that personally. He wanted to touch those soft cheeks, ease the pain that he saw encrypted into her entire face, and it hurt him so that she would not allow him near her.21

"Katie," he whispered, mostly to himself, just to have the taste of her name on his lips. 22

She stirred and looked around herself. He slipped quietly behind a tree. He shouldn't have said it. He shouldn't have even thought her name. There was no way she needed him to complicate her life any further. Frustrated, he walked away from her for the first time in days. 23

24

She paced the bank of lockers across from his, debating. She knew that he'd been watching her for days. She'd watched him stalk from her just the day before, had almost followed him before she had come to her senses. So why is it that she was here now? Maybe she was crazy. Maybe they were all crazy.25

She had to know: what drew him to her? She had been alone so long she was used to being so. Why did he have to antagonize the normality in her life?26

She flushed as he walked up the hall and gave her a quizzical look. She turned to flee, but he caught her. "Why do you keep running from me, Katie?"27

"Maybe you scare me," she whispered, the simple touch on her arm burning her senses, fraying them beyond logic and reason.28

"Why should I scare you, Katelyn? I've only been trying to help you. Trying to protect you from the sorrow and despair that I see buried in your eyes, etched into your beautiful face."29

"Maybe that's what's scaring me, Ryan. And maybe," she snapped, "I don't need protection from what you see in my eyes. Maybe I need protection from you." 30

She turned again, but he gripped her arm harder and dragged her to him, pulling her in for a kiss. His lips touched hers and it was like heaven. Heaven she was scared of. She broke away and fled, hearing him pound his fist into the nearest locker.31

32


It was days before he saw her again. Ages it felt like, eons. Ages it had been before he saw her angelic blue eyes. Maybe he should just back off, he wondered. She was so full of resistance. How could he tell that she would fall for him anytime soon, if ever?33

He watched her from a safe distance. Watched her slow smile as she talked amongst those she cared for who cared nothing for her. His heart ached as she brushed her hair behind her shoulders, tucked it behind her ears, the stars twinkling in her ears at him. She acted as if she didn't have a care in the world, but he knew different. She'd never worn those gloves before. He knew they were in style, Hot Topic had them since recently, but he'd never known her to cover her arms. Something was wrong with her. He could sense her unease from just down the hallway.34

She looked up, sensing his eyes on her. She bit her bottom lip. Why do you have to torture me? he thought. She glanced at Rheanna as her friend was laughing over something. Watched her say something and look his way again. They all hugged her and left to go to class. What had she said? he thought. 35

Time stood still as she watched him, oblivious to the crowds passing by her, her eyes intense on him. What is it? he wondered, his heart beating faster than necessary, his breath catching in his throat.36

She seemed to make up her mind about something, turned away from him, and walked away from him. Wasn't the first time, he thought, that's for damn sure. He sighed and went to class.37

38


She twisted the turn on the lock of her locker. She was probably frustrating the hell out of him. And it made her feel awful that she was stringing him along. It wasn't purposely. She was already drafting her words to him, just standing there wishing she hadn't walked away from him earlier. 39

She was afraid that he would find out that she wasn't the strong person that he thought she was. She was afraid that he'd find out that she was weaker than most. She'd had a problem before, but it had been more intense as of late. 40

Ryan, she would write later and slip the note into his locker. Ryan, I know that you want to help me. But the truth is that I don't know that anyone can help. It would probably be best that we just part ways. Leave me alone among the willows, please. It's the only place that I can think. Katelyn.41

She knew he'd ignore it, but it was worth a try.42

43

Leave me alone among the willows? he asked to himself. Bullshit. Not going to happen. He stalked to the edge of them before he got a grip of himself. He shivered. He couldn't lose this fight. Already, her presence was so much a part of him as breathing. He took in a few deep breaths. Nothing that needed to be accomplished could be with impatience.44

He moved to find her, when he heard sobs. "Katelyn?" he called. Nothing but sobs answered him.45

"Katie?" His heart nearly seized in his chest. Katie. She was the only thought in his mind as he moved forward.46

The next thought was of blood. He rushed forward, lifting her from the ground. He carried her, calling for help. "No," she moaned. 47

"I'm getting you help, Katelyn Eve, whether you like it or not."48

She sobbed, "Please, Rye, just let me go."49

"No," he whispered venomously. His sob was involuntary when she just curled into his warmth and let go of consciousness.50

51


“I knew something was wrong,” he said, talking to himself mostly in the E.R. waiting room. The paramedics had let him ride with them but they couldn’t allow him where they were going. They had left him with a slight reassurance that they were going to do everything they could to save her life. 52

There had been so much blood, he remembered. How could she have done that to herself? He’d known that she was drowning, but he hadn’t considered that she was so far gone that it would be sooner rather than later that she’d take her own life. Or try to, that is. Not that it matters right now.53

“Ryan McAphy?”54

“Katelyn? How’s Katelyn? Please, God, tell me that she’s alright.” 55

“Miss Ayron is fine. She lost quite a bit of blood. They’re admitting her in a couple of hours on a 48 hour suicide watch. They’re preparing the room now.”56

“Dear God,” he whispered. Suicide watch. It seemed so surreal. “Please, can I see Katie?”57

“Her parents have called and said that whoever saved Katelyn’s life could go in and see her.”58

“Are they not coming?”59

“Not tonight.”60

Her own parents. She just tried to take herself out of their lives and they weren’t coming to check on her? Holy Christ.61

“Follow me, please.”62

He followed the nurse to a bed where there was a girl lying in the bed that didn’t even resemble the Katelyn that he knew. 63

“Rye,” the girl whispered.64

“Katie?” his heart wrenched. She was so pale. “Katelyn.”65

She smiled. “It’s me. You didn’t have to stay, Rye.”66

“Of course, I did,” his temper was snapping. 67

“Rye?” her voice was so soft, full of death.68

“Katie.”69

“I’m sorry.”70

“You’ll have to stick around and prove that to me, won’t you?”71

She smiled, a ghost of a smile from a ghost of a person.72

“God, Katie. I can’t believe you told me to let you go.”73

“I knew you wouldn’t. But I wanted to let go.”74

“Katie?”75

“Hmmm?”76

“I think I’m in love with you.”77

“I know, but thank you for telling me.”78

She just lay there with her hand in his, until she fully surrendered to sleep.79

80


Watching her from afar broke his heart, but that’s what he did now; watched her as she looked into the forest with her arms crossed in front of her chest. She’d been released three days ago, but she was far from better. She still had the paleness that he’d found her with, though her wounds were stitched, her blood restored. 81

He still worried about her when she went home as there was nothing that he could do for her there. He wanted to hold her, to protect her against what was hurting her, feeding off of her fear, but he couldn’t. He had to go home when she did and he couldn’t do anything about that despite the gnawing desire to.82

He watched as the sunlight played down upon her, as the wind teased her skirt and lifted her hair against her face. He wanted to go to her now, but he was afraid to. He didn’t want to scare her, but she was so still, deathly so and he had a need to comfort her, to touch her. Hell with this, he thought, crossing the football field to her.83

“I was wondering when you would come over,” she whispered as he drew near her.84

“I didn’t know you knew that I was there, darling Katelyn.”85

“Don’t take that tone with me,” she demanded. “I knew you would come for me, Ryan. I wasn’t positive, but I had this feeling that you would come before I could bleed out, so don’t take that tone with me. I don’t need it right now.”86

“You scared the HELL of me, Katie. Christ, there was so much blood and when I lifted you, I had NO way of knowing that you would stay alive until I could get you help.” He paced away from her, nerves agitating his senses. 87

She turned towards him, an inquisitive look in her eyes. She touched his arm, tears sparkling on her face. “Rye…”88

He saw her eyes widen as he turned back to her. “Yes, darling, I would cry for you. I know you see the tears.” His heart jumped as she wiped away the few tears that had trembled down his face. “Hell,” he muttered, drawing her closer, into his arms.89

She snuggled up against him and as she did, he felt her tremble. “Christ, Katie, I would do anything to take away whatever is causing you pain.”90

“Then just kiss me, Rye. That’s all that I need for now.”91

The simple request had his heart racing. He tilted her chin up and touched his lips to hers. Slow, he promised her silently, soft and slow. Her arms came around him, hands sliding up his back as she moved into his kiss. It was heaven like this, he thought. Heaven to hold her, to feel her surrendering to his protection, to feel her letting her defenses down to let him in. It was heaven, and simple.92

When she broke away, nerves tingled in his spine. “Darling-“ he started.93

She put a finger to his lips. “Don’t,” she said softly. “But I have to go.”94

“Please, Katie, don’t go this time.”95

“It’s different this time, Rye. I’ll be back.”96

“Promise?”97

She smiled softly. Still a ghost, he thought. “I promise.”98

99


Things had gone so wrong that day, she remembered. Wrong enough to push her over that tiny edge. She’d been ill again that week, home from school, and had had several arguments that day; one with her mother, one with her dad, and one with her aunt who shouldn’t have mattered in the first place. 100

She’d been cutting for months now, over a year, but nothing that had threatened her life. She hadn’t had anyone to help her offset the urge to, until recently. 101

Ryan. He was something new to her. She never expected someone who could save her, but essentially and theoretically he had. He carried her away from her fear the way that no one else could have, carried her from her death. 102

She’d planted that letter, hoping that he would come to her. But things had gone so wrong… so horribly wrong. She’d come among the familiarity of the willows to write, always did at that time of day. She’d dropped into despair farther than she could manage. She always had the razor blade on hand in case she needed relief. She’d figured out how to bypass the security search at school to keep it, she’d hid it among her feminine hygiene products, they would never have thought to question a pad in a female’s purse.103

She paced listlessly among the willows now, praying he wouldn’t come. She needed to think. Her heart screamed hopefully, relentlessly against her resistance against him. She hadn’t needed anyone in her life like him. She could take care of herself, or so she thought, though she hadn’t been doing such a good job as of late as the counselors had reminded her after her 48 hour suicide watch. How could she love someone else? She couldn’t even love herself, another thing the counselors had pointed out. She bluffed her way through therapy, convinced them that she knew what she was doing was wrong and that she would stop, that she wouldn’t continue when she got away from the hospital.104

Ryan had saved her from herself once. Why she thought that he would stick around and would continue to save her was beyond her mentality today. Most would have severed ties and would have said good riddance, but there he had been today, comforting and protecting in that strange way that he had. 105

She drew back as she came to her normal spot. She would have thought the rain would have cleared the blood away by now. It had been a week, but there it was, ugly crimson and odorous to boot. It jolted her heart to see what she had caused herself, but she didn’t think that she could have stopped. She got so angry at times that she cut to feel something else. She felt relief when she cut, and when it was over, she finally felt numb. 106

The razor’s still here, she thought. A sick feeling spread through her as she picked it up. She still had the novel she had been working on with her, Ryan had made sure her personal belongings had been seen to after his visit with her in the hospital. She opened to the last page. “She had no right to challenge me,” she read to herself silently. “Had no right to trespass into my life where I did not want her. Why does she continue to do so?” 107

Her heart dropped, an itch formed in her palm, tears formed in her eyes but refused to flow. Christ, she thought, what had I been recalling when I did this to myself? 108

“She had hurt me so,” she continued, feeling what she had felt when she wrote it. When tears formed this time, the rolled down her cheeks, feeling the color leave her face. “But she didn’t realize it. She never did. Will she ever?”109

She dropped to her knees feeling the old pain slip in. Why did she always allow this? she would think later. She closed her eyes, hard, ruthlessly. She couldn’t let it bother her. Make it stop, she willed. Her heart continued to swell painfully. 110

She didn’t even remember putting the blade back to soft, tender flesh, didn’t recall hearing footsteps as Ryan crouched in front of her. “Katelyn.” His voice was soft, full of tenderness and replete with fear. 111

She looked up at him, could barely see his face through the haze of pain. “I have to make it go away,” she whispered, hearing the pain in her voice. “Please.”112

“Come with me, Kate. Come with me and I’ll make it go away.” Understanding. He had such patience. He touched her cheek gently. 113

She sobbed.114

“Katie, please.” His hand gently pulled the razor out of her fisted hand, replaced it with his touch. “Come,” he repeated. 115

She wrapped her fingers around his and let him take her away.116

117


He watched her silently as she sat there staring out at the ocean. He worried that when it was time to go home, all of this was not enough. She had a tumultuous heart, and her resilience was much more than she could possibly imagine. However, he was afraid that her resilience was not enough to keep her alive. 118

He’d watched her earlier, observed the small line of blood at her wrist as she had nearly attempted suicide once again and watched as the tears ravaged her cheeks again. He needed her to know that that was not the only answer to this problem, the problem that he didn’t even know the origin of. 119

He watched as her hands waded through the sand, lifting it and letting it drain from her hand. Blind repetition, he knew, but it was better than the razor he had slipped from her hand only two hours earlier. He watched as the waves crested, pushing towards the shore, its melody playing over and over in his ear. He wondered what she heard. What was she listening to as she watched the waves roll in and fade out. 120

She turned, glanced at him briefly and smiled softly. “Penny for your thoughts,” she whispered, her voice barely audible over the sound of the ocean.121

“I should say the same, Kate. What were you thinking?”122

A smile softened her pale features as she patted the ground beside her. He sat and she leaned against him. “Things have gone so wrong,” her voice was fading, and it broke his heart to hear it do so. “If you read what I had been writing that day, you would have known.”123

“I would never have invaded your privacy, Katelyn.”124

“I know, I’m just saying.”125

“Why won’t you just tell me?”126

“Because there’s nothing to say anymore. Ryan, it’s over. Let’s just deal with the present.”127

“Why won’t you?” he demanded. “You sit there and you write your stories and you flee from life yet you tell me to deal with the present.” He jumped up, stalked away for a minute, shaken. He hadn’t meant to break. “Katie, I nearly lost you. And I thought my heart would break. Sad thing is, I’ve never had you to begin with. Do you know how much that scares me?”128

He turned back to her. “Can’t you see what’s in front of you? What you mean to me? Kate, I thought I was going to lose you again when I saw you with your razor again in the willows, among the blood and tears you shed just last week.”129

She looked away, tears breaking free. He got on his knees and took her hand, turned it to show the scars on her wrist. “Look what’s happened, Katie. See what you’ve done to yourself over and over again and see what nearly cost you your life.”130

She looked into his eyes, her face contorted to the pain she longed to be rid of. “Don’t you think I want to stop?” 131

He saw her heart break. Christ, that’s not what he meant. “Kate. Please. Don’t cry.” 132

“Do you think that I want you to see me like this?” she demanded. “Weak? I prayed that you would just leave me alone because that’s what I am, Rye. I’m weak. And you deserve someone that’s stronger.”133

“You are strong,” he whispered. “You’re stronger than you can even know, but you let pain get to you, and I understand that. But you have to let someone be your hero; you can’t get through this all on your own.”134

She pulled him to her, her mouth seeking his. Pulled him down to her as she leaned back, stretching out on the sand. He moved to allow her space, but she held onto him. “Stay,” she whispered. “Stay with me.”135

He felt her heart pounding as she said it, felt his own race as he answered, “You have only to ask.”136

137


“Did you finish it yet?” She sat on the edge of the ocean, where she had waited for him to come to her. 138

“How did I know you would be here?”139

“Because you know how special this place is for me.”140

He laughed softly, his eyes on her. She had grown so much since they’d met. It had done his heart good to see her grow into this woman who could take so much. “It’s yours,” he whispered.141

“The story?”142

“Yes.”143

“How did you know?”144

“It’s harder not to know.”145

“She flourished it a little, but yes, it’s ultimately my story.”146

“Why couldn’t you just tell me?”147

“And pity myself more? Look she took my journals and she got a fluke. It’s not my fault she wanted you to read it, too.” 148

She was agitated, he could feel it. “Katie?”149

“What?” she demanded, tears already close to the surface.150

“I love you.”151

She stopped dead, turned and studied him. “What?” she asked quietly after a few moments.152

“I love you, Katie.”153

Her eyes grew soft, a tear floating down her cheek. “I love you.” An oath, from her lips to heaven.154

He smiled, dug in his pocket and handed her a small case. Purple. Velvet. A quizzical look came over her face. “What is it?” she asked.155

“Open it, love, and find out.”156

A small marquise diamond winked at her as she opened it in the sun’s dying light. He had the pleasure of watching the book of emotions climb over her face, each demanding a spot over the other, had the pleasure of watching her as her heart stopped dead. “Marry me, Katelyn.”157

Her sapphire eyes cut into his. “Excuse me?”158

“Be my wife, Katelyn. Be my soul. Marry me.”159

For two long seconds, the longest of his life, he thought that she wouldn’t answer. 160

“Of course,” she whispered. “Of course I’ll marry you, Rye.”161

He laughed softly as he pulled her into his arms and kissed her. “Good,” he replied and pulled her away, into the house, away from the waves that had soothed her pain earlier. He pulled her away from everything that had hurt her before. He pulled her into the future, where they both belonged, full of love, and full of heart.162

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