My iguana and I were deep undercover on a CIA mission. The mission was so vital, so imperative, that the CIA itself didn’t know about it. They didn't even know we worked for them. It was necessary that we travel in disguise, but the concept of a disguise is so clichéd that we decided to go one step further and disguise ourselves as ourselves to really confuse them. We really only confused ourselves, so in the end I disguised myself as the twin brother I never had and the iguana posed as a chameleon with elephantitis. It was foolproof.
A week earlier, we’d met our supervisor in his office, which was cleverly disguised as the exterior of a 7-11. He was standing outside the front door with a cup full of change (part of a CIA fundraiser, no doubt), and he gestured for us to sit with him. He mumbled incoherently for several minutes (I assume he was speaking in code, in case of eavesdroppers) and then bit the iguana (I assume that was a signal that the coast was clear). He told us that he had just read "The Da Vinci Code" (he was standing in line at the soup kitchen when they ran out of soup and gave out bestsellers instead) and it had changed his way of thinking. Now he was convinced that there were other prehistoric conspiracies that needed to be exposed (and turned into bestselling novels that could be adapted into Tom Hanks movies). Our mission was to find one.
So there we were, a week later, masterfully disguised and seated in the midst of one of those ancient organizations that was surely rooted in evil. Their leader, judging by his hat, had slain Smokey the Bear in some ritual sacrifice and stolen his clothes. Perhaps, in some supreme irony, they’d burned him over the bodies of his bastard sapling children (it’s a little known fact that Smokey was known as the Michael Jackson of the forest). I wouldn’t put it past them. I could see the evilness seeping from their vacant eyes as their leader filled them with propaganda. He was known only as “The Scoutmaster.”
Before the meeting could truly begin, we were forced to recite some sort of brainwashing mantra (they called it the “Pledge of Allegiance”). I discreetly covered the iguana’s ears (his brain was smaller and more easily washed) and protected my own mind with a mental force field, an ability I learned from a series of unsolicited e-mails that also included instructions for free herbal enlargement (which was, unfortunately, less successful). The first chance I got, I raised my hand and asked The Scoutmaster where my “chameleon” could find the little lizard’s room. Instead of going to the bathroom, however, he would find The Scoutmaster’s office and search it for incriminating evidence (of course, this was dependent on his ability to recognize incriminating evidence; I knew I couldn’t).
An hour passed and he still wasn’t back. What if he’d been caught? What if he was hurt? What if he was experiencing severe constipation? I excused myself from the meeting, made sure there were laxatives in my fanny pack, and set out after him. The bathroom door swung ominously as I approached it. I was instantly suspicious due to the contrived nature of this foreboding image, which could really have no logical reason for occurring. Acting on a hunch, I kicked the door in as abruptly as I could. There was a muffled cry as it shattered the author’s nose; he rushed out of the bathroom and ran to the next paragraph. The door no longer swung.
Inside, a horrific sight greeted me: there was an enormous green floater in the toilet and no one had had the decency to flush it. On closer inspection, I realized with some relief that it was only my iguana. It seemed like a case of murder (or at least a case of poor toilet-training, which I wasn’t going to be held responsible for) and I knew it was my duty to avenge him. I reached into my fanny pack and pulled out one of the spare iguanas I carry for just such an occasion. We performed a brief ceremony, then sent our friend to his watery, sewage-y grave.
While my first iguana had been inspecting the plumbing, I’d learned something important. I’d been flipping through their translation of The Bible (they called it The Scout Handbook, it was obviously a loose translation) when I discovered their motto: Always Be Prepared. I instantly recalled the years I’d spent doing Jumbles in the newspaper and used my talents to unscramble the hidden message in it: We Rape Lads (I had to drop a few letters that were clearly there to mislead). I was disappointed. Everyone already knew about that. We were here to expose their secrets, not their generally accepted policies. No, my important discovery came when Billy’s mom brought in cupcakes.
The cupcakes were good. Too good. They were moist and buttery and perfectly frosted and even had the colorful little sprinkles inside of them that made it look like someone spilled confetti in the batter. Martha Stewart couldn’t have made those cupcakes if she’d sold her soul to the devil (which she most definitely had, but that’s another story). I knew that if I could find the source of the cupcakes, I would be close to the heart of this bewildering conspiracy. End flashback.
Back in the present, iguana number two and I were sniffing out The Scoutmaster’s lair. I had to do most of the sniffing because the iguana was allergic to dust. After several hours of fruitlessly searching, we found the kitchen and continued our search with fruit. The iguana suggested we follow the signs, but I knew better. I’d followed signs in Vietnam: AMELICANS WILL COME THEES WAY PREASE! It had been an ingenious ploy and led me straight into a Vietnamese bunker where I was tortured and killed. Actually, I think I was born after Vietnam, but I’m still paranoid of that kind of thing. So we stumbled around until we found the office by accident.
Walking over the bearskin rug (with the phrase “Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires” burnt into its fur), we admired the enormous office. Here was the sanctuary from which The Scoutmaster conducted his nefarious schemes, his secret endeavors, his virgin sacrifices. The iguana had his digital camera so we took some pictures: me with a giant American flag, the iguana sitting in The Scoutmaster’s chair, me laid out on the bearskin in my boxers, the iguana sitting in The Scoutmaster’s lap, The Scoutmaster hurling the iguana against the wall, and several shots of the floor as I was running away from The Scoutmaster. I found myself backed into a corner with no way out, so I threw the camera at him. I missed, but it distracted him long enough for me to accidentally fall through a secret door in the wall behind me.
I was in what seemed to be a shrine. In the center, there was a lot of dramatic lighting focused on an object I couldn’t quite make out. I stepped toward it but was tackled from behind by The Scoutmaster. We wrestled our way to the center pedestal, scratching, biting, and name-calling all the way. I managed to sneak a look at the object, and couldn’t believe what I saw. The Scoutmaster realized I knew too much and grabbed me by the neck. He was about to slit my throat with a merit badge when, suddenly, the iguana leapt on him and bit his ear off. The enraged Scoutmaster tore the iguana off of him and threw him against the pedestal. I took the opportunity to club him with The Scout Handbook (which happened to be rather thick and well-suited to dealing head blows) and knocked him unconscious.
I rushed to the pedestal, where I found my iguana friend trapped inside the relic...an ancient E-Z Bake Oven. I struggled with the prehistoric unlatching mechanism, racing to free him before the timer ticked down to zero, but in spite of my best efforts, the archaic little timer dinged and out popped a green cupcake. After a moment of silence, I quickly analyzed the machine and came to a startling conclusion with staggering implications. You see, this E-Z Bake oven had once belonged to none other than...you guessed it, Jesus. That was the secret they’d been hiding all this time: the Holy Grail of children’s toy kitchen appliances. Was the world really ready for this? Would they accept Jesus as a cupcake-maker? Perhaps some questions are better left unanswered. I grabbed the green cupcake and set out on the journey home. And you know what? It was a damn good cupcake.
Editor’s note: If you know Tom Hanks, or someone who knows Tom Hanks, or someone who knows someone who knows Tom Hanks, or someone who saw a guy who looks like Tom Hanks in Barnes and Noble, please pass this on to him so we can begin negotiating the movie rights. Thank you.
A contest entry
- Big points for the most creative story by StephLippitt.
500 points, ended May 6, 2007, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Great Stories!! by Andy Stephenson.
350 points, ended April 30, 2007, 24 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Hopelessly Hilarious by Kevan.
155 points, ended June 6, 2007, 5 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Ch-ch-ch-choices by kelseyo.
205 points, ended May 13, 2007, 13 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - write something Good by HeartBreakR.
140 points, ended June 10, 2007, 8 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - What can your mind create? by LostShadow.
275 points, ended May 27, 2007, 34 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Options.... XD by Shiny.
175 points, ended June 8, 2007, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Best of the Best by Amelia-Anne-Black.
225 points, ended June 9, 2007, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - You will never let me down by Sunless Spirit.
100 points, ended August 31, 2007, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I put the laughter in manslaughter by Trillian.
450 points, ended September 18, 2007, 9 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please make this the next DaVinci Code
Comments
1 - 35 of 35
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Nice name, 'author'
I liked it.....it was interesting...
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Epic
clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap
Best Story Ever
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Lol Ive read another story by you, HILARIOUS!
Iguana, why does all like iguane? With elephantitis.
Lol The cia didnt knwo the mission.
And another Tom Hanks adapted movie. Lol
Would they accept Jesus as a cupcake-maker? Lol This is a very funny story, and pretty much any line of it can be rnadomly sellected and can make me smile. Keep wirting sherrif.
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My Verdict
Insane! I loved this story. I was reading it out loud with my friend, LanaBella (also a user on Storywrite), and I was laughing almost the whole time I was reading it. I loved this part: "The mission was so vital, so imperative, that the CIA itself didn’t know about it. They didn't even know we worked for them." I was laughing really hard when I read it. You are very good at bringing humor into a story. Keep writing! Oh... and I like iguanas. XD -
So. Odd.
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Cool, lol. Very cool. Very funny.
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Absolutly brilliant
I loved this your style of writing was so unique and the description and flow of the story was so outstanding. Good luck in the contest, this was amazing.
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You have got to be the oddest writer I have encountered on this site. You're either certifiable or you're a genius I'm not sure which.
While you've got problems with the way your story is laid out, you completely drew me into the story. This was hilarious. -
ROFLOL!! That was the funniest damn thing I've read all day! I love the whole Smokey the bear thing and the iguana taking photos! Really good job! XD
Love Shiny -
This was funny, i don't tend to read funny stories but this one was a great story.
Great descriptions and flow.
Great story
Thanks for entering and good luck
Em
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This story made me feel so awkward inside. The beginning is my favorite part and really the only part of the story that I understand. The end is good too. Its so surprising that it just ends that way, but it seems very reasonable for Jesus to have loved cupcakes.
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Funny Like Always!
Loved it like always Brent! Your story left me laughing even as I'm typing this sentence. And this one. And this one. ect... I especially liked the end. I never knew Jesus used an E-Z Bake Oven to feed those 5,000 people on that hill. Or at the Last Supper. Thanks for letting me know!
Just one question.... What is it with you and the iguanas? A lot of your stories have to do with iguanas. I wouldn't mind you telling me why.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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More awsome stories, by you . This was quite funny. I am loving the Iguana. do you have them in every story? Most of yous that I have rad have them in it. I have heard that you are going to write a story about MArth stewart selling her sould to the Devil. Do tell me when you post this. Can't wai for more. ? great job.
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This was very funny. I really love your iguanas. Why don't they have names though? :|
So, are you ever going to tell the story about Martha Stewart selling her soul to the devil? -
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I think the newspapers beat me to it. I did write a story (with a couple friends) about the adventures of a monkey and the stock market, which involved Martha Stewart and Toucan Scam. It was for school. I should see if I can find it
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Man, you were right!!! I LOVE YOUR STORIES THEY ARE SO HILARIOUS!!!!! Random and hilarious...and LOL it was just so funny! I seriously fell out of my chair.
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Dear God. I thought it was bad enough when you killed off the first iguana, but then two? That's too cruel. You lose 7,000 points for that. Who knows PETA's phone number?
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It's 757-622-7382. Tell them I said hi! (They've already got a file on me)
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cool perspective and nice lizard touch, tho maybe you could do a similar story that only revealed the lizard identity of the character at the end? im sure a lizard has some cool adventures, anyway back to this story nice work keep it up
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This is amazing!!!! My friend and I just read this and we both agree that we can't stop laughing!!!
"AMELICANS WILL COME THEES WAY PREASE!"
Lol, I love that line... along with the E Z bake oven, belonging to Jesus. This is one of the dumbest (yet most hilarious) stories on this site!! Good luck in all your contests, including my own! Hahaha, great job!
~Kevan~beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Haha that's awesome! It's pretty cool that you can take random ideas and put them together to make something so hilarious. Hope you get the movie rights!
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omg hahahaha kevan this is hliarious! i thin it's sad that you killed the iguanas, though.
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Err...who's kevan?
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haha sorry, my friend sent me a link to this and i thought it was his.
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Good story.
This is a very good and humorous story. Always good to have a spare iguana on hand. He gave up his life in the performance of his duty. Thanks for entering my contest.
Andy
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Yes, I'm currently petitioning Congress to make Iguana Remembrance Day a national holiday. I think it's only fair that we remember the fallen iguanas who gave their lives that the rest of us might live in peace and happiness.
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funny!
lol I couldn't help but laugh out loud at this amusing piece of work and to think this is the first thing I read when I joined the site. I hope everything here is soo good. If you make this into movie I'll try to be the first person in line to get a ticket for me and all my friends. Very funny piece of work and great job.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I hope you do get the movie rights and I hope it becomes the next big Tom Hanks thriller. This story was hilarious. Every once in a while I had to re-read a sentence or two just to make sure I actually read what I thought I read. I can't believe Jesus had an E-Z Bake Oven. How could he use it without electricity? It must just be another miracle the Bible never tells us about.
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This is soo random and hilarious!! Great job, the whole thing is funny. It's like, you don't want to keep reading because you know it's not intelligent at all (oh, but it is, worthy of a movie!), but you just can't stop because of the iguana-y goodness!! Wonderful!!
I have only one critique. In the line "which was unfortunately less successful" (paragraph 4) I think you need commas after was and unfortunately. Just for clarity's sake? Maybe?
WONDERFUL!
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Quite right, quite right indeed. I kick myself for having missed those commas. Fixed now, I appreciate it.
Nothing better than iguana-y goodness, aye?
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You really aren't well. haha. With that said, you have an interesting way of making the most insane ideas actually sound plausable if one takes the time to think about it. (When you're bored you've nothing else to do but think right?) I really question where your ideas come from but I'm also afraid of the answer.
the title of the book 'the da vinci code' should have single quotes around it though.
I'm not sure how you keep coming up with such funny stories, but keep it up.
oh and if you get the movie rights ... I am going to be even more scared.
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this is the picasso code or something (lame?)
Dad, you ALWAYS outdo yourself
I honestly didn't know it is possible to be funnier than your last piece, BUT YES, apparently, that IS something doable 
*claps*
I LOVE their disguises!!!! And their boss outside of 7-11.. and the green floater.. and the "always be prepared" -> "we rape lads" (with some letters droped LOL!!!!!!) “Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires” burnt into its fur, virgin sacrifices... and so much more
I've met some Vietnamese but they speak Engish good enough MOT Chinese I met (not Chinese-filipinos ) do say Amelica or Lachel.. yeah, their R's are L.. ^_^ anyway, haha! 
Thanks for this dad and gluck with the contest!!!! ^_^
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^_^
This is, without a doubt, the BEST story I have read in a long, long time! It's absolutly fantastic! Exactly what I was looking for. And not a spelling error in sight! Very well done! ^_^
Good luck in the contest!
hugs,
Steph
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Damn Good
I have to say I loved the fact that it was about the boyscouts and insanely good cupcakes. And the Vietname thing was kinda random but still funny. I have to say though, I was expecting a replacement iguana to have the knowledge of the iguana that had died or something. Anyway it was great, and very creative.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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LMFAO!
Hahahahha! oh my god this was hilarious!
I'm in tears! This was, dare i say it? Better.. than.. 'not quite over the rainbow'!
rofl! Ahh im still laughing! You are crazy my dear! absolutely geniously crazy!
so random! I havnt laughed this hard in a long time (excluding yesterday with the mullets, soda knows what i mean
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hahah awesome job babe! You have me on the floor laughing!
*runs off to show Mehmet*
Yrs.
Azaradelle.
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