When I Got That Phone Call

3-22-07 10:07 PM (Thurs)1

I could begin this a million different ways right now. I could begin with the night you told me you loved me--October 4th, 2006--and the night I read that email--October 5th, 2006--or the day you stopped avoiding me out of fear, and you and I, two girls, became girlfriends--October 6th, 2006. As of now, that confusion and panic and strange joy and shy elation, it is different. As of now, my pencil flies fast as my arms tremble, fly fast and furiously: as if my last words, my last sane words may be these. As of now, I feel as if I am writing my suicide. I am NOT.2

I can’t believe this. I feel numb. I don’t comprehend it…yet I do. I feel as if someone is slowly taking hammer blows to my soft chest, to my inside heart. It wasn’t one, not a single deadly blow, but slowly many. I “went to bed” at 9 PM tonight to avoid my family. Pretending to sleep, I writhed, my thoughts folding in on themselves, darkness curling into me, I falling, rolling deeper. Tears filled into my ears, my ears became cups. I felt like one of those writhing worms, the ones that lash around, fighting, when someone picks them up, holds them tight, and attempts to shove a dirty, rusty hook through their whole body, piercing organs and all. My organs, my heart, feel soft, susceptible to this too. I imagine it pinkish, like slightly raw meat, and delicate. It reminds me of a scar on my back, where you lift off the protective scab, like a top or a cap, to reveal a soft, red, deep hole that quickly pools with blood. It starts down deep--I don’t think, I don’t know, if this will ever heal.3

4:45 PM. I didn’t talk to you yesterday, you didn’t text me today. I figured you were busy--you didn’t tell me you would be, but I KNEW you were really just busy--but I couldn’t help but being my spazz-attack-prone, semi-paranoid self that you find so cute. I started to imagine that something had happened to you, that maybe you askjfdklmatk…Maybe something happened to your mom. I knew that would kill you--even if you had me (would you still like with Timmy, your step-dad, or would/could you live with me…?)--another loss like that, ANOTHER key Michelle like that and you might never recover…Or, maybe, someone in your family, a grandpa maybe, ended up in the hospital and you were there…Or maybe your mom had found out about us. The possibilities were endless. However, I knew none of these were true. You were just busy.4

5:00 PM. I texted you, vaguely mentioning my worry as best I could, only haveing 150 characters to fit into the message. You replied back, loving and lively and joking as usual, brushing away my paranoia and saying you’d just got out of the shower. You made a joke about whether or not to put clothes on or go nude. You must’ve been home alone then.5

8:15. My family was gone. I was just about to log online to talk to you instead of doing homework and studying for an unstudied-for AP Biology test. The phone rang, and I for once answered it. When I said “Hello?”, I heard a soft mumble, barely audible, in reply. It took me a second or two to realize it was your precious voice. Something was wrong. My heart fell. There was silence for a few seconds, before I asked, without even having time to come up with a new paranoia, “How are you?” in a dead, shocked, numb voice, you said without stumbling, “She found out.” I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t think. Actually, I didn’t need to. I already knew what happened, what was happening, subconsciously. We’ve always been able to tell each other things through our subconscious, right?6

There was more silence. I couldn’t speak. Being 11 hours and 15 minutes away, and who knew how many miles, I could do nothing. I don’t know what I, or you, said next. But slowly, you told me how that your mum had found a letter you were sending me today (along with that turtle bracelet souvenir you’d gotten me in Atlanta last week). She came home and confronted you. (Oh god…confronted. Just like my intervention two and a half years ago…I never have been the same.) You said you’ve been fighting her for the past three hours, trying to explain….This time, I didn’t ask for the juicy details. I understood. You asked, “Do you hate me?” and, choked, I said, “No! ……No, you know I can never hate you…” I don’t hate you. And then you said…you said that we should break up… By then I was trembling, our voices were constricted and soft. I started crying. I told you I don’t want that. You said…more silence. Then you said you didn’t want to either…but she was making you. I asked immediately, “Is she right there? Is she listening?” You laughed shakily, returning briefly to your old self, and said, “No, she’s in the other room…At least, I don’t think so.” I don’t remember what we said next…But you said you didn’t want to break my heart. I didn’t know what to say, so I choked, “You’re not!” You laughed and said, “Yes, I am.” I couldn’t think of eloquent phrases. I protested, “You aren’t…it’s…it’s your mom.” And sometime in that conversation, you said you didn’t want me to hold on like that, waiting forever. You said we’d both break. I protested, denied it, with little argument or reason behind it besides love. (Was I being selfish, loving you? Maybe I should have agreed, broken it off… This WILL tear us to pieces. Did I do the right thing? It this best for you? Somehow, now, I don’t think so…even though your heart agreed with me. Now I’m agreeing with you….and…Oh gods, did I condemn you to pain forever, waiting for me? Will I hold you back? This is exactly what you were saying to me just three hours ago [it’s 11:02].)7

I insisted that we stay together. I told you that in all my life experience, time heals everything, lets things cool and become old. Maybe if your mom calmed down, got used to the idea, she’d change her mind… I still saw a ray of light. I never would have seen it without you.8

But you said you were pretty sure she…she wouldn’t. You said she was dead set… I told you over and over again that I love you more than everything. You said you’d wait for me. All this was said between long silences and choked words, and listening to each other breathe. Then you started to talk as if you’d give in…We’d stay together. Your mom took away your phone, internet. We might never…ever….never….talk, communicate in any way ever again. Thinking of this, I burst into even more tears. This…this might be the end, I thought.9

Restless, I walked around the empty house, sat in chairs and got up again. I said, “I don’t want to lose you…you’ve given me so much…and I don’t--can’t lose that.” You said you had no idea what to tell your mom, or how you’d hide that we didn’t break up. I had no advice to offer. After silence, I said, “Whatever happens, don’t hurt yourself.” You said, “I won’t if you won’t.” I said, “I won’t, I swear to God I won’t.” I don’t believe in God, so for me to be using such a phrase means that I meant it. You said, “Promise you won’t destroy yourself. And promise to never be paranoid, never be jealous--” I could barely hear you, but vaguely understood what you meant, and said, “I promise. And I promise I’ll wait for you forever…I just can’t see myself with anyone else but you.” Cliché phrases, but we meant every word of it. The old, cliché phrases are strong, solid--a good web for us, to weave ourselves together.10

We discussed how this would work, how we’d talk--we have no idea…just that our love has forced us to trap ourselves together. You told me your mom would probably find out about all of this when you never went out with anyone. I scoffed at that. Then, in another pause, I heard your mom’s voice, this time soft, and further away, talking to you. “That was mom,” you came back saying. “Yeah, I know…” Then I said, “Could you--” Tears filled my voice and I shook. “Can you tell her that…that…I’m sorry…it happened like this.” A while later, you said you had to go because you were going out to dinner soon and your mom was probably gonna be really pissed. We told each other that we loved each other. Silence. Then you laughed shakily, “I don’t want to hang up.” I murmured in reply. You told me not to beat myself up, told me not to stay up all night. I said, “I know, I promise.” We said we loved each other again…And then we both said bye. And then the phone went quiet, without your breathing.11

I don’t know how I’ll keep all those promises. Can I keep them? Can I keep my heart only for her, or, once this heals, will I slowly (but reluctantly), really start to take an active interest in others? How will I talk to her? what if I’m WRONG--what if her mom’s truly successful in cutting us off for a pretty long time, more than just a few weeks as I seem to think? I can’t comprehend…this being the last time to talk to her. What if I really never communicate with her again? What if…what if she dies? I would never know, no one would call me up and tell me that my girlfriend was dead. Maybe…when I was older, twenty-something, I’d drive down to her town, her house. Some person, not her parents, would tell me where she was, direct me to a graveyard. I would curl up on her grave and cling to her headstone…12

But she’s ALIVE! Right now, she is. See, this is exactly what she told me not to do, to be paranoid. I quickly brushed the images away. Then the promises returned…And all the other ones I’d ever made to her. After she’d won the insomniac marathon, staying awake longer than me by only 30 minutes, she wanted me to send her some pictures of myself wearing my glasses, which she thought would be cute. I took the pictures before she’d even won, knowing I’d give her some anyway--but that was months ago, and the pictures are still in the camera, even after her repeated reminders. And my story, JxP (Jade x Pyrena, better know on Storywrite as “Red and Blue”), she was obsessed with it. I’ve showed her every chapter so far, but not the re-written ones…and I haven’t finished the story for her yet. She wanted me to. And THEN, I thought, her birthday! It’s May 31st…her 16th. I still haven’t figured out what to get her because I have no idea how I can match her beautiful window painting she did for MY 16th. I do have one small thing…But now, I doubt I can even send her anything--her mom would probably return them; either than, or destroy them, with or without her knowledge of me even sending them. This is perhaps the worst.13

I also owe her millions of kisses, and because of my loss at the insomniac marathon, I also have to be the one to I guess initiate our first kiss. This was, of course, if she didn’t get too impatient first and attack me anyway. I can’t sing, but she’s wanted me to sing for her anyway. I told her I would someday when my parents were out. I wanted to offer to sing for her tonight…but I felt too choked up to be able to. I have so many promises…She’s kept every single one she’s made to me, but I have…14

For now, I can only fulfill one. And that is going to sleep tonight. I just don’t know if I’ll ever wake up. SHE--my dearest, beautiful, amazing Caitlin--is the only reason I have been able to even move out of bed for the past six months. She was my rooster, my sun in the morning.15

Everyone knows where their sun rises, whether it rises straight, or as a curved arc in the sky. It doesn’t matter how it rises, just that it does.16

17

18

THIS IS WHAT HOMOPHOBIA HAS DONE.19

[11:53 PM]20

---21

Support dayofsilence.org – Wed, April 18th

Author notes

This is nearly exactly as I wrote it that night. I DO realize that it is very rough and not fluid in places, and also that I switch from addressing Caitlin as "you" to "she", but for now I want to preserve it exactly as I wrote it, raw emotion and stream-of-consciousness and all that. Maybe later on I will go back and create an edited and more coherent version. I sincerely hope that all who read this story will realize just some of the pain same-sex couple have to go through because of discrimination and prejudice.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 30 of 30

  • angel.of.mine
    September 17, 2007
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    this story was great and really emotional. if only you'd read the rules in my contest you would of probably won. sorry im very strict with rules. and at the start you write like your talking to her and at the end you start saying she instead of you. thought i might tell ya. this was EXCELANT! and i really loved it.


    • ladynigritude
      September 18, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Really?? What rule did I violate? I read the rules before, and I re-read the rules again just now...Have you read this story before? I looked and you hadn't left a commen on here before, so I assumed that you hadn't...

      Gah, that's bugging me now! What rule was it??

  • Jinxgirl
    August 18, 2007

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    wow... obviously everyone else on here who's read it appreciates this... and i can definitely see now why. amazing. absolutely beautiful adn raw in emotion, and anyone who has experienced this can relate. keep it up with works like this.


  • Springs gold member
    August 6, 2007

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    Wonderful and intresting description you got going on in this.
    A bit juddery in places, but you have adressed the reason for that already in your author's note.

    Ick.
    I can't read this. I got to the third paragraph and I just couldn't go on x.x
    I'm not saying it's bad- you have loads of comments saying how good it is, I just couldn't. It might be the judderyness, the huge paragraphs, or that I'd read so much angst I can't be bothered reading anymore.
    I just thought I should explain myself rather than not leaving a comment ._. Sorry. Just not my thing.
    Thanks for entering though.

    • ladynigritude
      August 6, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Haha, that's quite alright. But thank you for at least explaining that. I know that this piece is far from perfect, and I knew I had to get that "dissenting" comment sometime. I'm just glad that it didn't have to be a flame.

      And yeah, angst drives me insane too, and I can't stand the way most people tend to write it. I try to keep it to a minimum in my own stories.


  • xTroubled-Teenx
    August 6, 2007

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    wow is all i can say. this is a powerful story. i was reading some stories that were in that contest, and i really like this story. it's brilliant. i loved this story very much. and i also liked how you put storywrite in your story lol
    anyways, this is a wonderful piece. and i myself am gay, and i know how hard it is to fall in love with the same gender. anyways, this was a really good story. keep up the good work

    much luck,
    Shay

  • ohemeegeeay
    August 4, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This is a good story. Lots of emotion, and very believable, unfortunately.

    I think the fact that it is a true, on-the-moment story (a "stream of consciousness" as you put it) did lead to it being slightly disjointed in parts.

    However, it was still good, and very effective. Thanks for entering, and good luck!


  • Andy Stephenson gold member
    July 28, 2007

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    Congratulations!

    You are racking up the gold trophies with this story. This then is a true story? It was a little confusing to read, but it was obviously filled with emotion. Congratulations again on the trophies.

    Andy


    • ladynigritude
      July 28, 2007

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      Gah!! Whoa, I just won another gold for this! Sweet!

      Yup, it's a true story.

  • werner1221
    July 27, 2007

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    speechless...

    u r an amazing writer. this is one of the most amazing things on story i have ever read. i dont kno where to begin. the last paragraph was freakin awesome. the whole thing was beauitful. ur perception of love is veryyyy good.


  • heartfullofvenom
    July 23, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    amazing

    this was a good write...
    it was kinda hard to follow at fist but i liked it!!!... and it definitely showed a different side of love, and it help to see that those people go through the same kind of relationship problems that regular couples do. It was really sad, and full of emotion.I loved it!

    Good Luck!
    ♥


  • On.Cue
    July 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    F.ck fluidity and grammar.
    Preserve the raw emotions.
    This was exactly what I was looking for with the overflow of emotions and true heartfelt-ly written pieces if that makes sense.
    AHH this was wonderful. I really like this piece. My family is extremely homophobic and I'm the bi little girl that is stuck with them & in a homophobic school. I did participate in the day of silence this year & I got pretty weird looks from teachers and students all day long. But whatever. Homophobia is their problem and they should get over it.

    ANywhos. Enough with my rambling.
    I love this piece like whoa.
    It's too good for words =)
    I'm hoping that everything works out/worked out.

    Yeah...I shouldn't give applauses...but >>

    • ladynigritude
      July 10, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Gracias. Yeah, we've managed to work it out and hang on...In fact, we've just celebrated our 9-month anniversary. But it sucks that after she was forced out, now she's gotta pretend that she doesn't talk to me anymore, yet still try to convince her mom that she truly is lesbian. Which isn't working.

      And I also participated in the Day of Silence...Surprisingly, half the class in my first hour was interested enough to ask me what my armband thing was for, and they passed around and read my little notecard. That was certainly uplifting, though it's disappointing that none of them made much of a comment about it other than that. Oh well, we'll get there someday.


  • xhappyxrainbowsx
    June 25, 2007
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    Holy shit.

    I can't even give you a proper comment.

    Other than holy shit.

    Holy shit.


  • HeartSxAnDxStripeS
    June 23, 2007

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    Wow, that was just... wow, I'm in tears, that was so amazing, I really can't comment.

    Amazing and good luck.

  • CazzieJade
    June 16, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Speechless.
    Utterly speechless


  • McrSAVEDmyLIFE
    April 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is very good. I like how it actually portrays what some people feel and tend to think. I really think that this is reality, this is life. Sad, powerful and raw....all traits I admire in a writer's work. exceptional job.


  • illegalfairy
    April 22, 2007

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    Wow this was very sad and very powerful. It saddens me that its true. People should just be accepting. This was very amazing. I can't tell you guys really love each other. I do hope you can make it work. Great job and thank you for entering the contest.

    • ladynigritude
      April 23, 2007
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      Oops, nevermind, I replied to the wrong person...Wow, storywrite's really screwing up all of my contests here....=____=

    • ladynigritude
      April 23, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much for the comment! And thank you even MORE for the gold....wow.....that just made my day. I just showed this to my girlfriend and she was all woo and happy that this got gold... and she said at least the experience was good for SOMETHING now. Anyway, thanks once again!! ^^

      ~ Erica ~


  • creativediva
    April 22, 2007

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    This is very good, and what makes it better, is it came from your true heart. I love it, good luck!!

    • ladynigritude
      April 23, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much for the comment! And thank you even MORE for the gold....wow.....that just made my day. I just showed this to my girlfriend and she was all woo and happy that this got gold... and she said at least the experience was good for SOMETHING now. Anyway, thanks once again!! ^^

      ~ Erica ~


  • viggomortensenslady
    April 21, 2007

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    Erica!!!!!!!

    *rushes up and hugs you fiercly* I had tears in my eyes reading this! I love you lady e! And I'm still soooo sooo sorry that Caitlin's mom is acting like that. It breaks my heart sometimes cause you guys love eachother so much and I want you two to be together so badly. Stay strong though I'm always here to talk with you if you need it.

    • ladynigritude
      April 21, 2007
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      Awh, thank you dear. <3 I'm so glad we managed to survive this... Although I'm kinda realizing now that there's NO WAY we'll ever get our parents to help us meet each other...So that means we'll have to drive ourselves. =_____= So I gotta take driver's ed as soon as I can (and not around my AP exam time or my other exams) for her. ....Yeah that was really, really random. XDD


  • strawberry26
    April 21, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    wow thanks i liked this alot great job

1 - 30 of 30