MARTYR LOGIC
By ROBERT DAVIDSON
His hand broken from punching the wall, Yassin found self-mutilation bringing things into perspective. He hurts himself to ease pain deep in his psyche, as though nailing his feelings to his door! A sense of guilt, seeing himself as traitor to the faith.
With the ultimate smart bomb strapped to his body to maximize the loss of life, there is a double-decker bus just waiting in the street for him to explode it. He tells himself as he prepares to leave his room, he will now make amends. Testify his faith.
Yassin has been tempted, deliberately destroying his soul. The Devil’s Playground was what they called the Western World. So many girls and all that alcohol. Now tears of blood fall and shatter on his window pane like drops of glass falling from a distance. It was as though his walls were closing in on him.
Living in a dying world of bleeding souls, terror bombs seemed to stalk his street as nightmare became reality. Yassin is due to die by direct violence. Becoming Shaheed! With 72 houri waiting.
Life is the nightmare world we’re all dying to live, Yassin thought, seeing his future with a frightened eye. Raging fires everywhere. And now by bursting open the bus, ripping its roof off, he detonates his life in an inferno of twisted metal, burning flesh and pulverized glass.
He was a good man, quiet!
Copyright 2007
www.robertdavidson.blogsource.com
A contest entry
- Leave me wanting more... by Kevan.
160 points, ended April 25, 2007, 14 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Great Stories!! by Andy Stephenson.
350 points, ended April 30, 2007, 24 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Concept Short Story by otnemem.
139 points, ended May 25, 2007, 10 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - a sad story by Caledonia.
130 points, ended May 9, 2007, 17 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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This is short and a bit choppy. There are a handful of spelling errors (I can point them out if you wish) and a few grammatical errors, too. The flow is a bit disrupted when the point of view of the narrator changes during the first paragraph. But, it's still a decent start. Good luck in the contest.
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little Iraqi bastard... (not you Yassin)
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wow
this is good but i don't really like the story line.....it kinda hits home for me because i'm jewish.....it is a very good write though....very desciptive.....thanks for entering it in my contest though.. -
Thanks for your entry into the Fan Fiction contest.
Definately a gripping story and quite worth the read. You need to review the rules for the contest though. Your write needs to be no less that 500 words and no more than 5000 and you also need to add the required information to your authors notes.
I am glad that I got to read it though and I hope you can edit it to make it comply with all the contest rules. -
A good story, although a little on the short side. One of the rules for the contest was for entries to be between 500 and 5000 words.
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there is some good writing here, tho "for him to explode it" blow it up sounds less juvenile, but i like this, although im not sure its right for my contest, and seeing how many contests youve entered im thinking youve decided the more you enter the more chance you have of winning... right?
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Beautiful Pieces of God
I love the scenery and the deep writing. It has a beautiful beatified rhythm. Straight up, to be honest, The introduction was hard for me grasp what was the situation going on. But when i got to the middle, it just got better. The ending was sad. Yes... "We are all dying to live." This sentence is beautiful and irony. It is true. It relates to our current time right now. Out there in the sad terrible world, there are deaths and wars. Beautiful pieces of God.beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, characters: 3.
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You did a really good job with this. I can picture the guy and the scene really well. Keep up the good work.
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The is unfortunately true sometimes
It is also true that they are fighting for their right to believe as they choose, the freedom of religion, their choice of culture, their land, and their form of government. It has taken us about 340 years to arrive at democracy as we know it. It will take some time before the Arab world accepts it. Religion? I believe that mine is best.
I love God and God loves me. I am not a member of an organized religion as such. Oops! I don't think God is either. As to our main interest in Iraq, it is really the oil.
Andy
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You are the king of description. I love encountering new ways of describing things, and I think you've described a number of things uniquely in this piece (life detonating, pulverized glass, only to mention a few).
Is this 500 words long? SW says it's a little under, and.. well, it tends to be off. But if ever it falls under 500, please add to it so that we may include this in the nudging
Thanks so much for sharing this with us ^_^
GOod luck with the contest
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Excellent imagery! I got a very clear picture in my mind when I read this. I sorta predicted his death and I suppose "He was a good man, quiet!" meant that he had died. It does seem that people are classified as murderers or terrorists when they're living, but when they die people find their truly good qualities... a little late.
Good luck in the contests!
~Kevan~beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 1, characters: 5.
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GOOD!
Wow, great imagery. You tended to state the obvious a bit, or maybe just for me it seems that way. By mentioning the bomb and the bus, it wasn't necessary to mention blowing it up - the way you worded it - it was fairly easy to surmise that, that was his intention.
I would say that the self mutilation brought him comfort rather than perspective - but again that's just me, and you brought more into it by saying he was nailing his feelings to the door. I was mentally picturing a coffin door.
And isn't that how they always end it? Especially when talking to friends.. how nice/good/quiet the madman was.. so true!!
Great Job!
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Interesting
I think that you have a way to make the story come off being rather realistic. I think that this is, indeed, a sad story. All stories of this sort are...as are all stories concerning suicide.
TYPO:
With 72 houris waiting
Good luck in the contest.
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