He the one so powerful
So sweet in everyway
The one I have no clue
His name them eyes
The skin that was wonderful
I loved him for what he did
It was that day that one day
I was driving very fast to get to day care
So I would not be late for work
Trafic was jamed things was going crazy
It was hott outside
One very hot day I was stressed out
The baby was crying things was going all wrong
Then we started moving along
Thank god is what I said
I was so happy that we was moving
We got right in the sun then everything got black
I had hit the other car in front of me
My car now was on fire
All I was thinking oh.. my god my baby
I seen nothing but smoke
I got out of the car not being able to move my arm
Because It was hit really hard on the steering wheel
I could not get my child out of her safty seat and I started frecking out.
And screaming trying to wave down cars with my good arm
No one would stop they was just worried about them selves
I was crying by this time not knowing if this was the day I would lose my baby.
Then out of the middle of no where a man said
"miss Move"
He got my baby out of the safty seat and gave her to me
When I was holding her again I felt all new love rush in for her
I rasied up to thank him
He was gone
Like he was an angel
You always should never rush to anything
Take your time you never no what will happen......
Thank you to who ever you are that saved my baby life....
I thank you for ever day that she is still with me.
Author notes
Something I been thinking for a while hope you like
A contest entry
- Anything. by asthray.heart.
530 points, ended February 26, 2008, 23 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I Can Write A Story In Less Than 200 Words by Carly Pop.
275 points, ended May 21, 2007, 10 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Contest for All - Big Points to win! by k3nny.
1250 points, ended June 16, 2007, 53 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Short story by my--i u--k i.
350 points, ended May 28, 2007, 14 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Best of the Best by Amelia-Anne-Black.
225 points, ended June 9, 2007, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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you have to correct some of the things in this. Also... is it a story or a poem?
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Basically the idea is good; though there'renumerous errors you must correct.
Spelling and grammar errors
Oh my god! You do have to correct many errors there like 'safety belt', 'daycare', 'raised
' (which you wrote as rasied
)
Facility of understanding
Though I've understood what you've tried to convey, there are parts that need more clarity. That would certainly help people to understand your ideas better!
Originality
That's the part where you would score the most! This form of writing is quite original. You wrote this story like a sort of poem, an ode to that 'Angel' of yours.
Plot
I think that it flows well if the errors are ignored. I do hope you'll correct them! But the plot is okay. You could have written it into a story
Quality
To make this appealing, you should stress on certain parts, that is, give importance to things. But I think that the things that messed the essay up were the spelling and grammar errors.
Conclusion
The idea is good; it just lacks clarity. I highly recommend you to review it!
Good Luck in the contest! -
its good and i hate to be brutal but it didn't capture my attention all that well. it didn't keep me on the edge of my seat. :-\
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this is ok
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This was good, you did a good job. Makes the reader wonder of this actually occured. Did it?
Nice job and good luck in the contest dear
.
Lady Madeline.
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i love it
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I love this, the part where people didn't stop, that's true, most people are rude like that, but we do have those angels that help us once in a while, like how you helped me. I thought about what you said, and now things are looking up. Thanx.
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Cute!!!!!!!!!!
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So sweet! I haven't commented on anything for a long time..(busy schedule these days)..but I can really see your writing developing, Eva. Great poem! Looooveeedd it!
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awesome
im impressed alots greatttttttly done
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wow this was awesome great job
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