on a dark night in a dank alley I walked until I had finally found the killer of my mother. He stood in front of me in a hat and coat looking as stoic as ever. I never suspected him but in retrospect it was painfully obvious. When he saw me he walked towards me.
I suppose you’ve figured it out
Yeah and I’m out to take revenge.
You know it’s never that easy
Pulling a gun out his coat in the cold night air it shone ever so brightly pointed at my face. I swear I could smell the gunpowder and lost souls of all those before me.
I’m off to meet Mary and head off to Italy I hear it’s nice this time of year.
Don’t count on it!! You’re gonna pay for killing my mother!!!
I’m sorry but whose the one with the gun Joe?
Right now it’s you but in a while who knows?
No! It ends now!
Bang! bang! bang!
Three bullets shot point blank to my head. As I lay on the ground all I could think was DAMN BASTARD!
Well I’m off now! He said in the most cheery voice imaginable.
thus was my life short,bitter and unfinished but somewhere somehow
I would get him not in this life but perhaps in another.
I'm trying for a noir flavor
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Was this a pun on Kill Bill?
Blow Joe.. ^_^ has a nice ring to it ^_^
I liked this; despite its shortness, the story was able to say so much more than the few hundred words it had. ^_^ it was vividly described too, and I found myself imagining that I was indeed the guy who got shot.
Some things though:
1. i think you would need a couple of commas in some of your sentences
2. You said "you" had the gun.. and then later on, you said "Well I'm of now! He said in the most cheery voice possible" I had the impresssion that he and you are the same.. was that intentional or did I just.. get lost?
3. Spellcheck like in the example in number 2, of should be off but this is easily fixed with spellcheck so no worries ^_^
4. Yes... you can change the last lines ^_^ because the last line sort of confused me just my opinion ^_^
Thanks for sharing this
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