Holding on to a Friend

Jaden climbed up the trellis that was right up his best friend's window. It wasn't because he wanted to see him or because he wanted to pull some prank on him, it was because he didn't want to bother her. Mrs. Hatch, Connor's mom, didn't need him bugging her so he decided it better to climb through the window. He looked at the bed that was still unmade and jeans and shirts scattered over the floor. He remembered Mrs. Hatch always getting on Connor's case about the room, how it was always so messy. Jaden didn't want it cleaned now though, even if he had teased him as well. The room was a showing of who Connor had been, a carefree guy. Connor never had a mean thing to say about anybody and he had always seemed happy. Jaden punched the floor he had sat down on at the thought. He had been his best friend and he hadn’t even noticed things were up with him. His mom had told him that it hadn’t been his fault and that Connor had just been good at hiding it, but she hadn’t had him totally convince that it hadn’t been his fault.

Jaden got up from his spot and went over to the desk that was in the corner of the room. He eyed the notebooks that were strewn all over and picked up the one that he knew Connor had always been writing in. He was sort of shocked at what he read. A lot of the stuff that had been written in it had a depressed note to it; completely different from the Connor he had known. He quickly wiped away the tears that were starting to fall again; he’d been doing a lot of that lately, crying, always in private though; never in front of people.

“Why didn’t you tell me, Con?” he whispered into the air, not daring to speak aloud. He looked at the notebook another minute and quickly moved to the window. Something had snapped in him in those few seconds, he had gone from sad to angry. He was angry with Connor for doing what he’d done. Hadn’t he realized the pain he would cause? He had had a girlfriend who had loved him very much, a mother who would do anything for him, and he had him, his best friend who would kill for him. What had he been thinking? Huh? These questions buzzed through his head as he got into his car and drove off to the old shack he and Connor had set up as their clubhouse when they had been younger. By the time he reached the shack he was madder than he had ever been in his entire life. He knew that if someone showed up at that moment that they might not live to see the morning. It was then that he felt his phone vibrating. He took it out of his pocket and without looking at the screen answered it heatedly.

“What?!”

“J-Jaden?” came a small voice on the other end. He silently cursed himself as he realized who was on the other line.

“Erin, hi. Sorry ‘bout that I was just thinking about something and was just really annoyed. What is that ya want?” he asked caringly. After she had started dating Connor, Erin had become sort of like a sister to him.

“I was just, ya know, calling. Nothing really.” She sounded so small to him. After his death she’d fallen into a depression. She wouldn’t talk to anybody but him and her parents, other than that she was locked in her room all day crying and sleeping.

“Ok. You doing alright?” he asked

“I guess.” That was her usual response whenever he asked. By that answer he knew she wasn’t much better.

“Things will get better.” He told her, but he was also telling himself.

“I know. It’s just still so hard.”

“I know it is.” He wanted to get off the phone before his emotions got to him. There was a silence that hung in the air for a minute until he spoke again.

“Ok, well, Erin, I gotta go. I’ll call you later. Love you.” He said into the phone.

“Love you too, Jaden.” The line went dead after that. He sat in the car for a minute or so just looking out at the shack. It was a bit run down, but inside was all the things they had collected for it over the years. There were bats and balls, cassettes and CDs (times had changed as they grew up), a tape player and CD player; there were probably comic books in it too.

Jaden rubbed the back of his neck before he got out. He hadn’t been here since they’d started their senior year in High School. They’d planned to graduate and go to the same college together, but three months prior had changed all that. After opening up the shack he looked around at all the stuff that was in it. He had to take a moment before stepping inside. All the memories that came rushing at him felt like a huge weight hitting his chest. Any anger he had felt towards Connor was gone now; all he felt was empty, like someone had ripped something out of him. The question that he had asked himself so many times since it had happened came back.

“Is this my fault? Did you try to get my attention and I just wouldn’t listen?” he asked into the air. No answer came, he knew it wouldn’t, but it still felt right to ask it aloud. His phone vibrated against his leg as he stood there, startling him a little. When he pulled the phone out he saw that it was the psychiatrist that his parents had set him with. He wasn’t too fond of the whole idea of seeing a shrink, but it was that or listen his parents going at him about everything.

“Hi, Jaden, you missed our session today. I was wondering if everything was alright?” she asked on the other end after he had answered.

“Sorry ‘bout that. I kind of got caught up in things.” He said as he looked around the shack, picking up little things.

“I really wish you would’ve come though.” Jaden sighed quietly to himself. He really didn’t enjoy going. Things never really got cleared up, of course that probably had something to do with the fact that he wasn’t very willing to talk to her. She wasn’t him so there was no way she knew what he was going through. He kicked a stone out of the shack in anger.

“I just forgot. I’ll be there next week.” He said with aggravation and she sensed it.

“Alright. I won’t pester you anymore than. I’m sorry, but I just want to help you, Jaden.” She said as he walked out of the shack.

“Fine.” He said as he closed his phone. He put it back in his pocket and reached down to pick up a baseball sized rock and hurled it into the woods.

*“They say they're sorry, well what are they sorry for? How can they possible know what I'm going through? It feels like no one's ever had to deal with the pain that I'm dealing with right now. Just Six months ago everything was fine. Or so it seemed. What turn of event caused him to go downhill? His parents are devastated. His girlfriend's depressed. What was he thinking!?”* He shouted into the air. The call had done nothing for him. Who were they to act as if they knew what he was going through, Connor had been his best friend, not theirs. They had no right to talk to him like they did, excluding Erin and Connor’s. They were the only ones that had some idea.

Jaden sat down heavily on the ground, all energy drained from him. Three months since the whole thing had happened and he was still blaming himself for it, but there was no way he going to tell that to some person, who didn’t even know him, know who he was.

“Gosh, I wish you were here, man. It’d make life so much easier. I wish you ‘d have told me something. What made you go the way you did anyways? Huh? Naw, I know you ain’t gonna answer. You never have. I’m sure I’m sounding crazy, but who cares. Ya know I haven’t visited it yet. Too hard, maybe Erin and I will go together. It’d probably help both of us. Geez, I sound like the shrink.” Jaden chuckled to himself at that thought. The talking always seemed to help, but that was only when he was talking to air, or Connor, whichever one you choose to think.

After three months he had yet to go visit the grave. He already had a hard time saying Connor’s full name, so he couldn’t imagine what it was going to be like when he finally visited. The thought of Erin going with him actually didn’t sound like that bad of an idea, it’d get her out of the house and then they’d be able to use each other for strength when they were there. He looked from the shack back to his car, he knew it was time to go, if he didn’t get home soon his parents would start to worry. He wasn’t quite ready to leave yet. He decided to wait for a few more minutes because he knew that the sun would be setting soon and he always found it to have a sort of calming affect on him. Once the sun had gone and left a orange glow in its wake Jaden got up and went to his car. He put on his radio and drove away from the shack. He hoped things would start to get better from now, but only time would tell.