She held my heart in her hands, yet I didn’t even know her name. Her beauty was beyond physical. It was a magical melding of angels, demons and emotional baggage that seemed so appealing. I watched as she floated across the room, lighting here and there talking to all those blank faces. They hadn’t realized what had landed in their midst, what grand gift they were given that night. I watched and I waited, waited for her to sense my heart and float to me. I knew it was only a matter of time.
Every moment dripped like congealed blood from an open wound. I could feel the seconds float across my skin, could sense time like I never had before. Yet, still I waited. I couldn’t give up hope that somewhere in this night fate and destiny would collide, and one lonely ember would fall on her heart making her love me.
The chiming of the clock shook me from her spell. As I was about to give up hope that I would ever touch her life, she turned and looked at me. Her eyes seemed to blaze the deepest emerald green I had ever seen. Her cinnamon hair fell in rich thick curls over her alabaster skin. The corners of her mouth turned up into the most captivating smile. It was as if I was witnessing God’s greatest creation.
It appeared as if her feet barely grazed the carpets as she made her way to my part of the world. The dimness of that space became alive with her beauty. I knew I would never look at anything the same again.
“Hello, I don’t think we’ve met,” she said, the words streaming from her lips and dancing over my ears. “My name is…”
“No, please don’t say your name,” I said, placing a finger over her lips. “The mystery can only add magic to this night.”
She looked at me puzzled for a moment then let out a small laugh.
“Okay, I’ll play your little game,” she said, her head tilting to the side allowing her eyes to catch the light from the candelabra on the table near us.
“No game,” I said, smiling back and her. “We can exchange names in due time. For now, let’s just see where the night leads us.”
I gently took her hand and led her out the open doors to the balcony. It was completely deserted. I selected two seats in the corner for us to sit in. She followed me gracefully.
The warm summer breeze tenderly danced through her hair as she pushed it back from her face revealing the delicate curve of her neck. My pulse began to quicken.
“Don’t succumb so quickly,” I whispered, trying to calm myself.
“I’m sorry, did you say something?” she asked. She was so attentive.
“No,” I said, shaking my head and letting my eyes lock with hers.
“Oh, okay,” she muttered, quickly looking down at her hands.
“So, what brought you here tonight?” I asked, trying to change the subject.
“Ah well, Daniel is my brother. He’s always having one party or another. I come and make small talk, try to act interested but usually his guests aren’t very … exciting,” she said, a sly smile spreading across her face.
“I hope you don’t think that of me,” I said, letting my eyes brighten just enough to catch her attention but not enough to scare her. It was one of my many talents, my little tricks that always seemed to work. I hoped tonight wouldn’t be any different.
“Not at all. In fact, you are the most intriguing person I’ve ever met at one of Daniel’s events,” she said, staring at my eyes. The trick worked.
I held her gaze and let a small smile spread across my lips. She took out a cigarette, and I quickly pulled out my antique silver lighter to light it for her.
“Thank you,” she said. “That’s a very beautiful lighter. I don’t think I’ve ever seen one like it before.”
“I’d imagine you haven’t. It was a gift from my grandfather,” I said, gazing into her eyes and hoping she didn’t realize I was lying.
Although the lighter was in fact antique, I had bought it brand new over 80 years ago. Granted, I in no way looked my true age.
She leaned back taking a small puff of her cigarette, her eyes drifted to the skies above us.
“The stars are so beautiful tonight. I’m happy to be out of that stuffy party. Besides, I was in desperate need of a cigarette,” she said, a small blush filling her cheeks.
“Well it’s a good thing I was able to rescue you then,” I said, letting my hand find its way to her knee. She didn’t move it away. A very good sign indeed.
In a list
A contest entry
- First chapters wanted!!!! by Shikasgirl.
175 points, ended October 6, 2007, 20 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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Very powerful writing which captures the imagination with the first line and holds one’s interest to the last period.
It was sensual and dramatic with a hint of the mysterious. I haven’t a clue at this point of how the writer envisions the relationship between these two characters, but that’s not a turn off. Instead it makes one want to know more.
Apparently the narrator expected the female to come to him willingly. Was she to be a partner or a victim?
Was the narrator about to invoke on a sexual or murderous encounter?
The knowledge the narrator is much older than he appears, gives rise to thoughts of Dracula, vampires and the like.
You used dialogue perfectly to move the plot. Mixing their conversation with action kept the scene interesting and logical, but still maintained the mystery.
The only thing that bugged me—grin. (“Hello, I don’t think we’ve met,” she said, the words streaming from her lips and dancing (over) my ears ) JMHO but over my ears sounds like the words are literally crossing his ears--- perhaps in my ears.
All right, you can have them dance however, whatever (smile). I had to earn my pay.
Geri
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This is incredibly amazing!!!! Everything is described soo clearly and you had a great hook! Write more!!
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That was fantastic. It was really descriptive and caught me in it right away. wonderful. Good Luck on the contest.
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It was very enticing! I love it!
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very enthraling
i really like this and am going to read the rest. i love when people right from the guys point of view because that is rare. i want to try it myself.
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wow this story was incredible! I am so bookmarking it to see part two! I LOVE vampire stories and especially when they are well written!
. Rewarded 4
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incredible
That was amazing. i am totally intrigued with your story. cant wait until you write more. i absolutely love vampire stories!!!
. Rewarded 4
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very intriguing
can't wait to see how it ends.
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MORE!!!!!!!!
This is really good please, write some more.I'm itching to know the rest!!!!!!!
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*will not worry*
I shall help Chryssi, Keli
(please don't hurt me, it's for your own good... 
)
Keli.. this is wow. magical. Really. Your words are like the silk strands of spiderwebs, and I am the captive fly... You even made me sound "poetic" (I did a horrible job but meh, I feel poetic)
Your man.. is hot x.x haha! I like a fictional character, LOL!!! but no worries, he was real.. you made him SO REAL... adn I love reading about how this mortal girl captivated him and enchanted him the friendly banter and flirting made me smile too.. haha! I WANT MORE!!!!!!1
THanks for sharing this with us!
*runs to the next one*
. Rewarded 8
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Excellent so far. A little different take on vampires. It's so interesting to see as many vapire stories on SW as there are. Very cool indeed. Loved the imagery and can't wait to see part II.
. Rewarded 4
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Great!
I'm definetly bookmarking it to read part 2 later!
I loved the description of her, how she captured his heart. I honestly don't know what he's going to do, kill her, romance her, turn her. You've left the suspense there, not giving away any of his intentions, only his passion.
You've let the reader work out what is going on without telling them, a great trick.
What I don't know is what sort of party or timeframe is this? The language makes it feel old but I also get the feeling this is a modern party? Perhaps some description of clothing could help without simply telling us? Keeping your style of the piece.
Good work, I'll read on later!
Liath. Rewarded 8
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Wow...that was succumbing^^
Nothing like a love between a vampire and a human...then again what is a vampire without love^^
. Rewarded 4
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Amazing!
Ah this was amazing! I love how you manage to make it so poetic, and add dialogue without ruining the flow or beauty of the story.
This story is dripping with a sense of mystery and suspense! I'm dying to know more!
Character descriptions were superb, i enjoyed this immensely!
Cant wait to see the next part!
*clicks on part two like a maniac*
Yrs.
Azaradelle.
. Rewarded 8
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Superb!
Yes, you do so well at setting the scene. Had to say I was guessing on this one; who is telling this story? A few notes: Third paragraph: "Her" was used quite often. Until you, "she" was the one touching lives. A few extra words: "for us to sit" might work but it's your choice. You made me wait until the end to satisfy the question of the storyteller. Very nice touch.
. Rewarded 8
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...You better keep writing or you'll have two people kicking your butt. I wuvvle it..I more then wuvvle it...I adore it.
. Rewarded 4
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no she's not making it up she has to write more or I will in fact kick her butt. she's writing something that is 1 in a genre I don't like and am enjoying and 2 she's got me hooked so there. this one will be done *inserts evil laughter.
As for your story I am loving this, the imagery and dialogues/thoughts are so well done it makes me feel like a peeping tomette watching it unfold.
*waits anxiously for the next part.. Rewarded 8
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wowww great job i need more please
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