Secrets

“Do you love me?”

“With all my heart, would I still be here if I didn’t?”

“I suppose not.”

“Can I tell you something?”

“Tell away,”

“You’re the only woman I’ve ever met who’s campaigned for something that isn’t even close to her heart,”

“Every person has a right to live as everyone else does, you know that. It’s not anything special about me, I was just acting the way any decent, understanding person would.”

“…Not many people would, most people are judgemental…”

“Only because they’re scared of being judged themselves,”

“…You’re wise beyond your years,”

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When love subsides, what is left?

The feeling had left her when she saw him again, there was no more heart-warming feeling, and there was no soaring sensation or deep-set ache in her chest. There was nothing romantic or fateful, it was just a meeting between two adults in a room with lots of other adults.

Or was it?

Because, she was not really an adult, she felt small, like a child that knows nothing, and him, he was suffering the same age he had been for what felt like years. Still, there was nothing left, apart from the masks they wore on their faces when they met like civilised adults. Both of them wishing to show the other how much they had grown and changed for the better.

They talked and talked about absurdities, nothing quite making sense to either of them as they boasted about their achievements and how well their lives were going. Yet still, in the silence that emanated from them both could feel the pain that still dwelled between them, something unresolved, something unsaid. It was the sound of secrets, of unspoken apologies, of words that had hurt and destroyed, of times that had passed without care and of days and nights that had seemed so long.

It was in that moment that she realised she was not wise or fair. She was as judgmental as the rest of the world and as ignorant as a child is on its birth. And it was also in that moment when he realised that in fearing losing her because of his secrets he’d lost her because of his fear.

Still nothing remained, no love for each other, simply a sadness that screamed so loudly that no one even heard it.

Love had turned to despair and the despair then turned to bitterness. No amount of friendship and comradeship could undo what had already been done. It couldn’t undo her words or his actions and it couldn’t change what had been despite it all.

In memory of what had been, he told her his secret. He told her and she looked at him with pain, understanding and acceptance before she fainted. She had accepted it just as she would have done all those years before had he found the courage to say it.

It was a tragedy, a play of being just out of step with each other and never quite meeting at the right time.

And that was how they knew it was never meant to be.

So life went on, and on and on. She saw him everyday and he saw her, they exchanged words and argued as normal people do, all that had been was forgotten as the ancient mysteries are. It was an unspoken secret between each other, an understanding they’d come to in the moment they’d met again.

All that remained after the love had gone was a deep care for each other, a deep affection that was filled with remorse and sadness. A bond cemented deeply within their souls but never deeply enough to return to what had been.

The world changes so rapidly, one year you may never see yourself moving away from that person until your last breath leaves your mouth and the next year you may be so far away from the person and never see them again. But the memories stay and those cherished times are never forgotten, even in sleep. Even in the depths of your dreams you may still see those times gone by, dream of past loves and all that was and could have been.

At the end, she could have turned around and told him she loved him, maybe begged him to talk to her. Perhaps he would have come round, helped her off the floor, dried her tears and taken her inside to talk things out. Perhaps if she had told him, stayed there, then her oldest friend would be even older and those she truly cared about would still be there to complain about their problems and tell her their stories.

But that was not how things came to pass.

It was the instead that night with the blizzard trying to drag her back and the gates trying to stop her leaving, that she left forever, not to return until she pushed it all from her conscious mind. Her selfishness cost her the lives of all that she held truly dear at that time but in the end she found her comfort in a new friend and a new love that completed her.

Yet, somewhere inside she knows and always will, that she would compromise all her happiness if she had the chance to save her friends, to undo all the heartache she caused out here, to put right all she has wronged.

She loves her life now and she knows the cost that happiness comes at, she knows the secrets now and it never made her happier. Still, it’s laid to rest in a grave somewhere with all the other memories, occasionally coming back to haunt her in the dead of the night. But now, now she has people to comfort her through her tears and sadness, people who know all her secrets too.

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“You know I would stay with you forever if you asked,”

“I know.”

“Can I tell you something?”

“Yeah,”

“I’m… I’ve…”

“Go on,”

“I’m not going to be in my lesson on Thursday, can you cover for me?”

“Oh… yes of course,”

“Thanks,”

“You looked so serious I thought you were about to tell me some important secret!”

“Something like that…”

“Pardon?”

“Nothing. I have no secrets…”