Rogue

"Here I lie on the ground soaked in my own crimson blood. The moon is snickering at my frail frame; laughing at the pathetic site of my agony. I hate myself. I hate what I am. I hate this plague that is poured upon my skin. God, please just let me die. Let my cursed and broken body be tossed into the deepest pits of Hell. Please show me mercy even though I don't deserve it. Lucifer, I'm begging you in my despair, please this time just let me die."1

"Stop! STOP! Let me rot."2

I recall saying this; these very same words many times before. Satan, that coward, just won't let me die. I'm sick of this feeble, forsaken mind. I'm sick of the maroon moon. I'm sick of people naming objects after my cursed habits. Harvest moon, the harvest moon is when I feast. To my prey, it is just a red moon.3

Look at those fear-driven cowards and their family; they deserve to be feasted upon. They go about every day murdering my kind, just to watch us burn. I'm sick of it! They don't think about what they kill. I have family too you know, except I haven't seen them since I was turned. I probably wouldn't recognize them now even if you offered them to me to save yourself, but I do remember my son, he is the very reminder that once I was something worth saving.4

In my dreams and in my pain I see him, scared and alone. I'm sorry, my son, if you should read this. It wasn't my choice, but it was my fault. Your mother was such a beautiful maiden, the flawless image of the sea. I'm sorry, my dear son, that I lost control of myself and that because of me she couldn't be there for you.5

My son, you were so young. I am going to tell you things that won't make sense, but at least you will know.6

On June 14, 1892, I deliberately disobeyed my father and wandered out into the bleak Transylvania night. There were warnings and rumors of sightings of the plagued Grim wolf all over town. The rumors spoke of a wolf that woke at night; a night wolf that brought death and insanity to all those who came across its path.7

Naturally I denied the claims; tossed them aside. This was my mistake; for I wandered out into the night, the witching hour and sure enough I saw it. The big black beast stalking the night; my presence pleasing it. That creature; that dog of Satan sunk its long venomous fangs into my left shoulder, but before I could scream, I was already waking up.8

I lay on a straw cot on the witch doctor's porch. My father was too mad to look at me; my mother's face was soaked with tears. The witch doctor pulled out my canine teeth hoping it was still early enough for the curse to leave my body. Those four canine teeth would have become my other half's venom fangs.9

The doctor prayed with the priest and my family. He had pulled out the fangs before the curse had consumed me, but not before it could turn me. Every full moon from that point on I became the object of those very same rumors that I denied. 10

The curse hadn't consumed me, so I could refuse it; I could refuse to change every day. Every day except the harvest moon; that bloody moon loved me more than your mother ever did--until that dreadful night when I lost my temper. Why did that dreadful night have to be the night of the full moon? It all happened so fast, I'm sorry my son, but I couldn't stop myself. At least that good Samaritan shot me with the lone silver bullet that saved your life. That lone silver bullet; my best friend. 11

I'd thank that bullet with all my soul, if Satan would just let me go. If that fiend, that foe, would just let me die. Just let my body rot. Let my cursed soul catch fire and burn. 12

Good Samaritan, I thank you for giving my cursed soul a chance of burning in Hell.13

My son could you please find it somewhere in your innocent and pure soul to forgive me. If you could do that one thing, that one small favor, I would be happy. I would be the happiest that I have been since you were born, if you can do me that small task.14

My wife up there in Heaven, I'm sorry I can't join you, I'm sorry that I couldn't control myself. For what it is worth my darling wife, I'm sorry that killed you out of my stubborn insecurity. I'm sorry that I killed you with my pride.15

I'm sorry dad, my father that I did not listen. I'm sorry dad that I let you down.16

"Mother I'm sorry that I'm not dying. I'm sorry that my stubbornness gave me this curse that against my will makes me heal."17

Good Samaritan, I beg you please take my son and run. For I don't wish to harm you or him, but I don't think I have the option of holding my other side, that blasphemous beast, in contempt. Good Samaritan, you have about five minutes to take him in run, for I feel the rush of my other half surfacing within me to have more fun.18

Good Samaritan......son.......please God forgive me for what I have done. I need to die. Someone please shoot me. Please someone help a dozen silver bullets pierce my heart and lungs. Please Satan leave my side and let me rot; let me die. This cursed life of mine can't be timed and only eternity its self can end it.19

Eternity is my enemy then, an enemy that I can't kill. I want to die. Please God set your fist on me.20

Satan, please leave me. Leave me and let me die. Satan, you have my soul already, what more do you need. I haven't got anything else worth taking. Satan, please release my soul from my body and rid me the sight of my walk of death.21

My guardian angel, now it is to you I speak; leave me now and forsake me. Hope of me ever entering Heaven has long since been forgotten. Guardian angel, thank you for your faith, but I must leave you to leave this life. I must leave you so I may die.22

Again guardian angel I thank you for letting me speak.23

I thank all my foes for making my life misery. Now I thank you Satan, my life has been long and Hell. I thank you for finally letting me die to enter Hell. This day, the day of my death, even in Hell is by far the happiest day because this is the happiest I have ever felt.

Author notes

well....thank God for spell checking and the thesaurus


Option 1: Paranormal in whichcrafts generes contest

OPTION 2 in xcloser's contest


I take pleasure in saying that this is my best story because it is the longest whole story that i have written and i did my best at writing outside my comfort zone. most of my stories have a lot of dialogue in them and this is my first soliloquy. most of my stories in fact have about a fourth grade vocabulary.

willy-the-faux

A contest entry

well........

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 45 of 45

  • amanda vampiress silver member
    November 1, 2008

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    I enjoyed reading your story. I thought the theme was rather interesting and unique all on its own. I did feel there were parts that seemed repetitive towards the end, but the descriptions were good. Emotion wise, this was your strongest element. I felt the emotion you were trying to make me feel. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck!


  • whichcraft Greeters member
    March 15, 2008

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    For such a young writer, I think that you did very well in describing the events and you have a good imagination. I enjoy stories of the paranormal and I also enjoy your background. Thank you for entering the contest and good luck.


  • callthexylophone
    March 5, 2008
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    Good good good! And good luck in my contest!


  • Xtclozer-
    February 17, 2008

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    VERY GOOD. I loved this! I was really satisfied with reading this
    Good luck in my contest, and thanks for entering


  • karmaxandxcrayons
    January 1, 2008

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    So very dreary. But in the right circumstances, that can be a good thing.

    You did a great job transferring emotion in this piece. It honestly made my mood slip down a notch. But don't worry, because by the time I was finished, it had lifted up again because I like your story!!

    A few things:

    Work on the word choice a bit (god I sound like a middle school teacher... lol) because some of the overused words got boring. Also, I think there were two times (can't remember where and too lazy to go back and find them - forgive me) where your sentence should end with a question mark and it ends with a period. And it was a tad confusing. But I like the cryptic way you stated everything.

    So good job and good luck in the contest!

    Lissabeth


  • I Dare to Dream
    December 26, 2007

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    The emotion here was magnificent! The guilt, the despair, fantastic! I LOVE it! And the background, PERFECT! Love it.


  • Dreams of Insanity
    December 1, 2007

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    Le gasp William! I have two things to say to you...

    First off, long time no see! I'm not even sure if you remember me, but I remember you and that's all that matters. Haha.

    And second...you are a genius! Only ten years old and I think your writing is better than mine. You have the potential to be the next great thing in the writing world!


  • hllykat
    November 19, 2007

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    Amazing! There is so much emotion in this story, it almost seems real. You did an absolutely amazing job conveying the deep pain, and guiult your character feels. One of the best I've read. I love that you wrote this from the werewolf's point of view. You made him almost likeable, and more human-like. You made the reader feel sorry for him instead of hating him. That is a difficult task to achieve. Wonderful job! Thanks for entering and good luck!


  • Saej silver member
    October 4, 2007
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    Okay, I stick to my previous comment. lol.

    Let me give you the score for this contest, though, as it's part of my job.

    Theme:8/10 > I'm not sure what to say about this. I felt it was a little weak, but perhaps that was because you stuck too much to the cliches.

    Originality: 10/15 > while your point of view is somewhat new, I feel the whole "woe is me" type attitude for all the "monsters" is getting really old really fast.

    Flow: 23/25 > This had a nice, easy flow. It reads well, and it's easy to enjoy.

    Feeling: 20/20 > If there was one thing you nailed with this piece it was the feeling. Even if it's not the type of feeling I particularly enjoy reading about, I could still feel what it was you wanted me to feel.

    Structure: 20/30 > You've still a little to work on in this area. There were a couple spots that were awkward because of structure, but you can fix it with a reasonable amount of ease.

    Total:81/100

    Good job with this, and the best of luck in all your contests.


  • Asfand
    September 21, 2007

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    Nice entry ~

    I have commented on this but since you think this is your best work ~

    I shall do so again ~

    I dislike werewolves and anything that has something to with them ~

    No, it is not a matter of partiality of personal preference ~ I have always liked wolves but the entire theme has become very cliche ~ inexplicably so ~

    This is structurally very good ~ the writing style is nice and flows well, however you will lose points from me for theme ~

    Since creativity is not the strongest point, let us move to originality ~

    Only part that stuck as odd to me was the father who couldn't look at his own son ~

    I doubt such a thing can happen ~ parents may dislike disobedient children but parental emotions are a tade bit too strong ~

    Otherwise, the relation of feeling is exceptionally welldone!

    Good luck and thanks for entering ~


    Theme ~ 6.6/10
    Originality ~ 9.8/15
    Flow ~ 22/25
    Feeling ~ 18.9/20
    Structure ~ 26.5/30

    Total 83.8/100


  • Wait-for-Quiet
    September 16, 2007

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    That was incredibly sad... and my eyes were glued to the page while reading it. Wow. To me, there seemed to be emotion dripping off the screen. And the sacrifice definately works. Thank you for entering! Have a great day.

    MoonNight


  • tutie7
    July 2, 2007

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    huh, i want to watch ginger snaps now... and maybe eat some too. lol.

    anywhos.... you were 9 when you wrote this! my great googily moogily! i wish i started that young. im gunnna keep my eye on you and buy anything you publish.

    the only part i though was repetative (and you can ask people, i know repetativism) was the very end where it seemed like the thanks yous for an award listing everyone off.

    but man the rest makes up for it. dnt you dare stop writing.


  • LostShadow silver member
    June 26, 2007

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    I've already read this in my other contest Still liked how it all went together.

    Keep up the great work and good luck in the contest

    Em


  • RedTalon
    June 26, 2007

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    Well.........

    Good work with this piece. I can really feel the agony...the anguish that the MC is feeling. I always like that about stories and books: the ability to FEEL with the characters.

    Great job.

    Good luck.

    [And congrats on the other wins]


  • SageSyren Greeters member
    June 19, 2007

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    I've read this before and I still love that one paragragh, although it seems to be changed since the last time I read it. Hmmm...
    Good luck and thanks for entering.
    ~*Brooke*~


  • Barbara Moderators member
    June 18, 2007
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    I've read and commented on this before for the previous SW present contest....


  • sodancewithsoda silver member
    June 17, 2007

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    Read and commented in the previous SW presents story Keep it up and good luck with this contest!


  • Violet Moodswing Greeters member
    June 17, 2007

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    Thanks so much for enterring the SW Presents Mystery contest and for abiding by all the contest rules . I obviously read your story previously because I commented on it a while back.

    I still find the "I'm sorry" parts just a tad repetative. Perhpas it is just the repeating of the words "I'm sorry" because the actual things being sorry for work well.

    Overall, it is a good read. It is easy to feel the agony that the main character is experiencing and a nice original approach to a topic that has been written about a multitude of time.

    Again, thanks for enterring and best of luck in the contest.


  • k3nny silver member
    June 16, 2007

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    I quite like how your story starts. It's quite abstract and at the same time makes me want to continue reading. However, I note that it is difficult to understand at times.

    You have a different writing style and I appreciate greatly the way you've transcribed the ending days of a werewolf. This testimony sounds quite mushy at times but I must really agree this is a good job!

    Thanks for entering my contest and Good Luck!

  • Saej silver member
    June 14, 2007

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    It's a bit redundant, but it's good. It was interesting, to say the least. Interesting and capturing. I've never read a story with quite that take on Werewolves. Very good. Despite spellcheck, there were still some things you missed, some grammar that needs to be corrected. Other than that, it was good. Good luck in the contest

  • Asfand
    June 14, 2007
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    Hm.....i like the idea and the theme....its intriguing......this was well written and very emotional, especially because u can actually sense DESPERATION in the piece.....

    i would have to say that this was quite gud indeed.....its not that mysterious but we need soemthing different from what other ppl give so i really liked this...

    CRITICISM

    (Look at those fear-driven cowards and their *family*; they deserve to be feasted upon.)

    it shud be *families.

    (I have *family too you know,)

    it shud be *a family.

    there is too much repetiotion of ideas, its one thing going over and over again, that the teller wants to die.....

    there were numerous other gramatical mistakes....

    this doesn't mean im trying to degrade the story, i'd liek you to reread the story and make edits.....

    Nice piece of writing and an interesting read....

    Gud Luk!!


  • Manea
    June 2, 2007

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    This is a very cool story. I really like the writing style and the darkness it holds. This story is fine on its own, and doesn't really need anything else. I feel for the characters and really it is good.


  • Dreams of Insanity
    June 2, 2007
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    Wow....this was great.


  • unheardwisdom
    May 31, 2007
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    This was awesome, great write.


  • Kari gold member
    May 22, 2007

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    This story I must admit gave me chills with some of the description and details
    It was very detailed and I must say that to be so young you did very well.
    I wish you the best of luck in the contest!

    - KariKaRama -


  • Cyber Artist Moderators member
    May 22, 2007

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    Im not familiar with the story you took this from but you have made this a very dramatic write. Not sure about witch doctors in Transylvania, perhaps a little poetic license used there well done.


  • EtherealButterfly
    May 21, 2007
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    wow this is good! It's hard to believe you're only 9! Good luck in my contest!

  • Violet Moodswing Greeters member
    May 7, 2007
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    Thanks for your entry into the Fan Fiction contest.

    This is an interesting take on the life or should I say death of a werewolf. You touch on things that we don't usually think about when considering them.

    There were parts that seemed repetetive, but then again, if I had been shot by a silver bullet, I might be a bit repetetive too

    Best of luck in the contest.


  • LostShadow silver member
    May 5, 2007
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    Well this was good. Nice job.

    Thanks for entering and good luck.

    Em


  • The Wall
    May 3, 2007

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    I found that the begging satan and every thing became a bit repetative. That being said it was a well written. I can feel the misery of the dying man. Good job.

  • MDavid
    May 3, 2007

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    For a dying half crazed part werewolf part man with a silver bullet in his butt I could overlook the cliche lines, and akward sentences but I'm not letting the author off that easy. I am very happy you wrote this and entered into six other contests and are out of your comfort zone and I give you an A for effort. This contest is to really challenge the authors to produce or submit something that would be "advance class." marketable. meant to make the authors

    Dig down and take another shot. You've got plenty of time.


  • Drac
    April 29, 2007

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    Ver, very well done!
    I love the way it's written, as the dying words of someone who loathe what they have become, and what they have done
    Very well written, with only a few errors
    GOod job!

    beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.


  • Andy Stephenson gold member
    April 28, 2007

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    Good story

    It seems that this werewolf has a very hard life. Why do werewolves usually dislike their wolf side? So he wants to die. Apparently he gets his wish. Thanks for entering.

    Andy


  • Sin Syndrome
    April 28, 2007

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    Love It

    Goodness, I love this. You did a great job with the feeling, as I read I could feel myself drop into a state of misery and pity for this cursed soul. XD

    One of my favorites for sure! - Sin


  • asthray.heart
    April 26, 2007

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    This was good but you repeated some words a little too much like Hell and Satan and Eternity. In you last paragraph you said Hell like three times.
    Otherwise the descrition to this was really good and depseration and longing to die was nice and obvious in this piece.
    You captured the moment well. I have always wanted to see GingerSnaps, sounds like a good movie.

    Good luck and thank you for entering my contest.

    Lady Madeline.


  • tabbykat92
    April 23, 2007

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    I like this a lot. You could really hear the desperation coming from the character, and you did a really good job capturing those feelings. Good luck in the contest.

  • sodancewithsoda silver member
    April 21, 2007
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    I.. do not know gingersnaps x.x here, gingersnaps is a brand of clothing for pregnant women but ANYWAY...

    You have beautiful imagery ^_^ the way you describe things just.. pull me in. I particularly love the image of the bleeding moon

    Is this a soliloqy? I can quite imagine it as such... you've used very powerful words ^_^

    One thing though:
    laughing at the pathetic site of my agony.
    site -> sight... (construction site.. eye sight ^_^)

    Thanks for sharing this
    Goodluck with the contest ^_^


  • Forbidden Romance silver member
    April 20, 2007
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    Hmmm...I liked it. A lot actually, very intriguing. *claps* Good job!


  • Bloody Chaplain
    April 19, 2007
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    Damn well writen and *sniff sniff* beautiful.

  • SageSyren Greeters member
    April 19, 2007
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    'I'm sick of the maroon moon. I'm sick of people naming objects after my cursed habits. Harvest moon, the harvest moon is when I feast. To my prey, it is just a red moon.' These three lines are wonderfully written. Great imaginery.
    Good luck in the contest.
    ~*Brooke*~


  • david18232
    April 18, 2007

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    Ths is the owner

    I agree with shorty18. I enjoyed the story and I loved the fact that you started out with him on the ground bleeding in the full mood. I love blood and I really enjoy reading about scary things. Good job on the story. You may have a real good chance of being in the finals.


  • April 18, 2007

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    Good Job

    This is Shorty18 and I am going tobbe helping judge. I felt like the blood was there but it did not seem like it was that scary. It just seems like you were just giving details of just this one person who was going through the changes of becoming a werewolf. I did enjoy this story though because I happen to like werewolfes. On the second hand I do believe that this story may have a good chance in becoming one of the final stories. Hope to read more of your stories in the future.


  • Delfishie
    April 18, 2007

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    neat

    I like the sort of 'old timey' feel the language has, and the way you present the utter despair that Werewolf Boy is feeling. You did a really good job at nailing home the utter misery the main character is in.

    I'm a bit confused on the timeline - this story is taking place immediately after Werewolf Boy killed his wife and nearly hurts his son, yes?

    I was expecting the plot to be him helplessly killing the Good Samaritan and Son, so I'm glad that you decided to end with him dying instead.

    Criticism:

    "at the pathetic site of my agony" - should be "sight"

    the same with "Satan please leave me." Follow "Satan" with a comma, since you're addressing him.

    Great job on this.

    "God please just let me die" - whenever you address someone at the beginning of a sentence like this one, you need to follow the name with a comma. So it should be "God, please just..."




    • DemApples
      April 18, 2007
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      to clairify

      hankyou and yes the story starts out with him dying and the story after is him saying his last words and he is talking about after he was turned and before he killed his son unbtil the end os the story then he is saying his last request with the son i....and good samaritan this is all after he killed his wife before and after he killed his son and the samaritan and before he dies.


  • Token Massacre silver member
    April 17, 2007

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    I find the language to be somewhat advanced and at times out of place, the imagery is well done.
    I'm curious if some of this is actually dialoue? if it is then you're missing quotes. It feels as if the character is speaking to someone but there's no interaction. you detail so much of the surroundings but not the character himself/herself.
    good start, it flows from beginning to end. good luck in my contest.

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