A deadly rose in a vase is staring at me. I stare back at it; it feels as though it wan'ts to take my soul. I watch as a drop of water slowly slides to the edge of the leaf, the leaf lowers with the weight of the drop of water. It gathers at the end, and falls into the water of the vase. I watch confused as the water in the vase fills with violent red swirls gaining momentum and getting bigger as if the water was dieing, it becomes engulfed with red and movement stops. I blink a few times, as I see the vibrant red rose start to droop the leaf starts to curl and the vibrant red rose turns a cursed brown color slowly lowering and dieing. The rose dies all the red replaced with deadly silence the leaf has fallen to the floor and sits there calling me to it. I stare at the leaf expecting it to crumble, nothing happens. A scared confused drop of sweat comes to life on the tip of my nose and falls to the floor. I reach out with my hand which is shaking with more intensity then guilt reaching the heart of a child, I touch the leaf. Then quickly pull back checking my fingers for cracks or dryness. But nothing happens, so I reach back for the leaf. I touch its hardened crust; I feel the bit of life inside of it slowly fading into darkness. Then I feel a wave of heat overcome my body, I start sweating and shaking furiously as if I’ve been taken by a curse.
Later that day Rhylies mom came home from work, he started telling her about the blood and the leaf and how scared he was. His mom didn’t understand, all she saw was a normal lively rose and regular water. That’s when Rhylie started to wonder about what happened.
The next day of school started out normal. He went to his locker and looks at the dent in the right hand corner of the locker, he had wondered for months who did it, and he still doesn’t know, he just likes to stare at it looking at the how the silver color under the red paint almost shines so that every person who walks by the locker gets a flash of light in there eye. He opens the lock on the locker door and pulls hard because the dent makes the door stick. But this time when he pulls the door it comes flying off. He holds the locker door in his hand surprised by what he just did. Then he feels his hand get wet then he freezes in terror, then looks down at his hand holding not a locker door, but a puddle of blood in the palm of his hand. Rhylie blinks a few times confused, then looks up at the locker to see the bleeding face of his girlfriend, Rhylie looks at it sideways, like he doesn’t want to believe it’s there. Then he rubs the palm of his hand to the cold rosy cheeks of the severed head to test it to see if it’s real, it is. Then as Rhylie steps back in terror and slips on the blood that lay in a puddle on the floor. His eyes close bracing for impact and he hits his head hard on the hard tiled floor. Then Rhylie opens his eyes, to see his normal locker, door and all. He lays there confused, then his head starts to throb. So he rubs it as he stands up to evaluate what just happened. He looks at the locker sideways and slowly reaches for the handle, his hand is shivering violently he closes his eyes and opens the locker. Nothing but normal books and a few pieces of candy that he has stashed away at the bottom, then my girlfriend Laurie comes over to say hi and get her things from her locker which is right next to mine. “Hey Rhylie, how’s your morning” she says with her sweet calm voice, I just stare at her blankly. “Are you alright?” she says with an awkward look. I shake my head to get rid of the image in my head, “yea im fine, I just stayed up late last night” I say nervously.
After that Rhylie went to biology for first period and sits in the hard wooden seat in the back that he’s sat in since the beginning of the year. To think about everything that just happened, he puts his hand on his chin pondering if he should tell anyone about this or not. He decided not too.
So after school Rhylie went home to see if it would all go away. It didn’t
Author notes
the intro to the story
- Writing Whatever You Want group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Make Me Cry!!!! by McrSAVEDmyLIFE.
200 points, ended April 27, 2007, 17 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I WILL READ ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! by Vietbabe909.
350 points, ended April 24, 2007, 72 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Whoa!
This is interesting... I did see a few grammatical errors, but those are fixed easier than plot errors. luckily I didnt see any.. I really enjoyed this piece and hope more is to come! Keep writing. Have a good day!
Christa -
The imagery was very good. You made a clear image of the scene unfolding and that created a strong mental image to support your storyline.
It should be "wants" in the first paragraph.
I agree with the person below who said that repeating "vibrant" twice in one sentence and the excessive adjectives about the dying rose are overkill.
"I reach out with my hand which is shaking with more intensity then guilt reaching the heart of a child, I touch the leaf." I think the wording is a little off on this sentence, because I had no idea what exactly you were trying to convey.
"Then quickly pull back checking my fingers for cracks or dryness." This is a sentence fragment.
You vary tenses from time to time, switching from past to present: make sure all of your verbs are in the past tense!
I also agree with the person who said your paragraph structure needs work. Currently you have three extremely short paragraphs in conjunction with two gigantic ones. The two big ones should, at the very least, be cut in half, because there are simply too many things happening in one chunk of text.
You changed from first to third person, then back to first, at seemingly random points and I found that to be both odd and a little confusing.
You've hooked the audience by introducing these vivid hallucinations, then set up an interest in the character by making us wonder, "what is happening, and why?" Good start! [: -
wan'ts should be wants
I like the imagery of this piece. It's very well done. The description you use works well with what you're trying to show. It's not overly done.
Your paragraph structure could use a little readjusting, too many ideas within one paragraph tends to throw off the flow.
Well done story, thanks for sharing. -
Um this is in the poem section so why is it here? Oh well. Nice
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I wish you luck in the contest. This was not bad at all. I do think it is worth expanding. It held my attention. Take care!
October -
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tyvm
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Hi a crazy kid your story is defiantly worth expanding, there are some Grammar issues, but I’m possibly not the best one to delve into that fully. What I will take you through is called over writing simply putting things that are not needed in to the story. Editor and readers alike Want you to write your story being as descriptive as possible but as economical as possible, and that’s where we writers have a problem we want to create full bodied long stories and as a result over writing.
Lets look at a few examples: “I blink a few times, as I see the vibrant red rose start to droop the leaf starts to curl and the vibrant red rose turns a cursed brown color slowly lowering and dieing. The rose dies all the red replaced with deadly silence the leaf has fallen to the floor and sits there calling me to it.”
Here for example you have very cleverly used the “vibrant red rose” to describe what we are seeing. So we now no this is a brightly coloured healthy Rose, so its really not necessary to repeat this and not within the same sentence. We also learn that the rose has turned a brown color and is lowering and died. Here we have too much information you could get away with the rose died or faded and died removing these over writes tightens your writing makes it read faster and more exiting. Lets look at the sentence now.
“I blink a few times; as I see the vibrant red rose start to droop, the leaf curls. The rose now dead, all the red replaced with deadly silence. The withered leaf has fallen to the floor and sits there calling to me.”
See how the passage reads now, it still has the same impact but it’s more direct and to the point, just what readers want. I hope this helped? Have fun with your story, and keep writing, the more you write the better you will become.
Cyberartist
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tyvm for your very helpful comment
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good
So far I think it is good.It holds your attention.I don't see anything wrong. Good job!
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GD GD
Nuff said about it + u
beginning: 1, ending: 1.
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interesting...
it would be better if the dialogue were space out, so the flow is better. overall it was okay. thanks you for entering in my contest -
This was good. I noticed one thing at the very end...
think about everything that just happened, he puts his hand
Did you mean that he put his hand ? It might just be me. I'm not sure if he puts his hands sounds right...
Anyway, overall you did good and it was creative.
Good job. Keep on penning!
Kari -
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how bout rests his chin on his hand?
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Interesting plotline.
This is very good, and you should never kill your story ideas, even if they are rubbish. Maybe one day, you'll find your old ones and expand them in to something better. Now I would keep writing this, but just make sure you put commas in your sentences. Also, your story has two tenses in it, all muddled up. Most of it's in third person, but a little bit is in first. I think it would be better to have your story either all in the third, or the first person, and put it all in the past or present. Keep writing, Meggh xxxxxxxxxxxx -
I liked it; it was very suspenseful! It was a good start. In the very beginning, however, you mix present and past tenses in the same paragraph. There was a period missing at the very end.
Besides that, this was really very good. My advice would be to make the larger, intimidating (lol) paragraphs a little smaller, which makes the reader have an easier time taking in the actual details of the story. Good job!
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tyvm
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I LOVED IT descriptions were soooooo good I also liked the story line
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ty =)
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This was good, but not really what I asked for. I mean, it didn't really go into much detail about any of my options or anything. So....I don't get it.
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