Predictable

It ended.

Thats not the ending though.

The real story, is the story from the inside of a heart that has been through more than than some, and less than most.

But still feels heart break like a sword in the stomach.

It starts...

with an actress.

Everyday, I can wake up and lie still, for one minute exactly, and count to sixty. In that minute, I stauch the flow of true personality, and push it into my feet. I feel every facial movement, every tone, and every word, squashed into the soles of my feet, where they must stay until sleep comes around again.

When I am faced with the family, I act sulky, selfish and bored, just so that Mum will feel that she has the chance to do better with the other kids. I avoid Mum. I hate pretending to her. Its like kicking a puppy in the ribs when no one is looking, and then saying its because it climbed on the sofa and fell off.

When I am faced with college, I act quiet, observant, random and quirky. I try to be myself, but when little bits edge out, people just think I am strange.

When I am faced with the stables, well, same as college really I guess. Things are hard, or so they seem.

You get the idea.

But when you have to calculate every move, every expression, every word and tone, you can become tired. Really tired. Day dreaming is the only way to escape and even that is difficult sometimes.

When I was with this someone, I found that, for the first time in my life, I could take away the masks, show the worn out and tired face that has lay behind masks for years. I could laugh and speak and move and look without having to think at all. It was the sweetest relief ever. I fell in love with the feeling. It was like having my wings unchained and experiencing flight for the first time. Nothing compared. Nothing.

Can you imagine having the one thing that made you truely happy, torn from deep inside you? It felt like an alien hand had reached somewhere it shouldn't, grasped the true part of me and ripped it whole from my ribcage. Every element of the release, the honesty, the truth, was cut, like a tendon. And walked away with. Shamelessly.

The agony inside, I don't think I have felt it yet. Its like a tsunami growing and gaining energy, sapping everything. I have felt the preliminary pains, like little waves slamming at the remains of my heart. I can't wait to feel the real effect, but I'm pretty sure it will wash me away.

When you give everything to someone, what is the point in trying again? You can never give anything new to anyone else, you're used product, thrown into the rejected basket. Rejected.

I decided that this time I won't find rest in chemicxal destruction. I won't find it from gravity or the cold razor bite of steel, I want to find release in the most pure form.

I want to completely empty my insides.

I want to starve.

And this time.

No one will stop me.

No one.

ANA AND PROUD.