Remember our sandbox of gravel and garbage? How we always called them sandboxes and not sand castles? How our hands dug in the crud of the beach and we laughed at all the stupid things people throw away? 1

Remember how we would always play JOES in the sand? Using whatever we found to make forts, or castles, or whatever the hell you'd call them, and how that one time we found a tampon, and we were both too young to know what it was, so we placed it at the top of the sandbox, and paraded it around like it was the flagpole...and yeah, then mom came around and she looked at us and she goes…she goes…2

Oh, she was so mad. 3

Thinking back on it, that's really some funny shit. 4

But, I guess we all eventually have to grow up. 5

So one day, you didn't want to build the sandboxes anymore. Or play JOES for that matter. They were boring to you. 6

But I kept building them, because they weren't boring to me yet. Remember, I kept building them for you, still expecting us to...I don't know. 7

Anyway, you may not remember this, but the last one I built, you laughed at. You laughed in my face, maybe because your friends were there, or you wanted to, or your friends started laughing at me so you felt that peer obligation. I don't know. You never explained. Anyway, I didn't want to embarass you, or humiliate myself further, so I asked what you wanted me to do.8

Remember what you said? You told me to fucking bury it. 9

You remember? I don't think I knew what you meant. I got the gist though.10

Bury it. 11

So, without hesitation, I stomped it. 12

Just like I built it for you, I destroyed it for you as well, each kick aimed just right, to bring it crumbling down. I felt exhilarated, like maybe we were a team again. I even asked if you wanted to help me destroy it. I thought that was what you wanted; I thought it was a new game. I thought we had somehow evolved together to this new stage of mature ultra-violence.13

But you weren't happy. You told me to go away. You went off with your friends and you threatened to beat me when I tried to follow. 14

So there I stood, feet covered in sand, and tears streaming down my face like the prissy naive little brother I was.15

I stood there, and watched you walk away.16

You never looked back. 17

You never would again.18

We continued to grow up.19

And we continued to grow apart.20

We would never be as close again as we were before that moment.21

It's strange how we become defined one trauma at a time. 22

I had gotten so used to us being a team. When we were really young, I was the one that pushed you around in the go-car’s and not the other way around. I stole the cheetos so that you could have some too. I always shared things, and gave things up so you could have them. I guess I got so used to us being the team that I never really got a life of my own. I never learned how to get friends of my own. Stupidly, I never thought I would need them. I assumed you would always be around. 23

See, people didn’t like me the way they liked you. You just had this, thing, this ability to talk to people. To make friends. 24

And I just had you, and when you left I had no one. 25

I was alone. 26

Over time, I learned to live with that. But that doesn't mean you should have to. 27

So coming here, I figued I’d build you one last sandbox. I mean, there is enough soil here to do it, and I’ve got some of our oldest toys, stuff I could never quite bring myself to sell, so you’ll never have be alone like I was. I know everyone else brought you flowers, but I didn’t figure flowers would really be a good idea, you know being that I’m a guy, you’re a guy and well that doesn’t really seem right. 28

Even if you are my brother. 29

So anyway, it's getting cold and I better hurry up, but just in case you were wondering, I thought I would do the best I could to try and explain myself. 30

So, I’ll build this sandbox, one last time so you never have to be alone, and this time no one--only the wind, and the rain, the essence of time will destroy it. 31

But that won’t happen for a while, because I’m building it really…really well. To make it last, you know. 32

Mom hugs your portrait sometimes, squeezes it so hard, I can't help but wonder if she thinks maybe you’ll pop back out again or something. 33

I worry about it, and I’m sure you do too. She even steals your sheep at night from wherever you count them, and cries out for you in the language of her sleep. 34

But don’t worry, because I’ve got that portrait now; I took it you know? Right out of her room, so now maybe she’ll remember to forget you because it isn’t there anymore. 35

I'm going to bury it with this shovel, so that she won’t come looking for it. Maybe things will easier with it gone. 36

This is so weird talking to you like this.37

And its even weirder knowing that you aren’t even there to really hear it. You know, cause I always thought that there would be tommorow, or the next day. The next time you came home. 38

Maybe I thought we would talk over a cigarette, or a cup of coffee.39

I hope you're not mad at us. 40

I hope that you don’t think we have forgotten you, because Godamnit when shit like this happens you can’t expect us, or anyone to understand. 41

I asked for the flag, I let you die, I let... 42

But, you have to understand, they said they never found your body…they never…never…I HAD TO LET YOU DIE! I HAD TO LET YOU GO! I HAD TOO! 43

Its been six years! 44

Six years of not being able to forget, of not being able to go on! 45

To move on, like you’re supposed too. 46

I don't know, maybe that’s why I’m really building this sandbox; this one last sandbox, because I want you to come back, so we can tear this motherfucker apart together, so that we can stomp it until not even the dust mites can recognize what it was. 47

How pathetic this must all seem to you. I'm sorry about that. I was never good at any of these things ah...but...48

Fuck.49

Ok, alright. This...just one last thing.50

You see, I guess my little brother syndrome made me blind. You know, cause what I realize standing here, is that there is a bigger brother syndrome too, only, I wanted you to laugh at me forever.