Cancer

Turn away

If you could get me a drink of water

'Cause my lips are chapped and faded

Call my Aunt Marie

Help her gather all my things

And bury me in all my favorite colors

My sisters and my brothers still

I will not kiss you

Cause the hardest part of this

Is leaving you...

Now turn away

'Cause I'm awful just to see

'Cause all my hair's abandoned all my body

All my agony

Know that I will never marrry

Baby I 'm just soggy from the chemo

But counting down the days to go

It just ain't living

And just I hope you know

That if you say

Goodbye today

I'd ask you to be true

'Cause the hardest part of this

Is leaving you...

'Cause the hardest part of this

Is leaving you...

--->>>>Cancer by My Chemical Romance<<<<---

"Mama, can I please go home?"

"When you get better, honey."

I wasn't five. I was seventeen and I knew that I wasn't going to get any better. I wanted to to say what I thought but I couldn't. The words always got caught in my throat before they could even enter my mouth.

"Mama," I stopped. I couldn't say it and break her heart more. Instead, I thought of something else, "can I get some water?"

"Of course, honey." She trembled as she spoke and I could hear it. Sitting up was getting harder every time I tried. She held me up as I sipped a drink of water and gave it back to her. I could hear her trying to muffle a sob back as she laid me back down.

"I'm not getting any better, am I, Mama?" I whispered. A tear trickled down my worn out face.

"You will get better real soon, darling."

"I don't want to go to chemo anymore."

"I know, honey. I know." She held my hand and gripped what was left of it tightly.

Bitter thoughts rushed to my mind. She doesn't know anything. She doesn't know what I feel. How would she know how awful chemo was? How would she know how it felt to know that you're slowly dying? Stop it, Katie! Stop! You've caused them enough pain.

"MaryAnne, come on. Let's give her some rest." Papa came into the room, literally dragging Mama away from my side.

--->>>>*<<<<---

I didn't feel well at all. I could barely keep my eyes open as people came in and out of my room. It wasn't like the other times after my chemotherapy. It was different and I could feel it. My mama and papa stayed by my side the whole time, holding my hands as if letting go of my hands meant letting go of me forever.

I laid there silently with my eyes closed, letting a few tears roll down. Different thoughts passed through my head during those long, agonizing hours.

"I'm sorry." I blurted out. I didn't know who it was directed at. All I knew was that I was sorry I put them through all this misery.

"No, no, honey. This wasn't your fault." Mama started. Even though I couldn't see her, I could feel her cold gaze being directed at Papa.

"Mr. and Ms. Jacobs, can I speak to you guys just for a moment?" Dr. Stevens called them by the doorway.

"Do you want your brother to sit here with you?" Papa asked.

"No." I replied quickly. I couldn't let him see me like this. I couldn't see him period or I could never stop myself from crying.

I could feel their grips on my hand tense up. They were afraid of what might come out of the doctor's mouth. I was afraid. They followed him outside my room and closed the door gently behind them. Minutes that seemed like years passed by as I laid there, silently, awaiting the dreaded news.

I heard a loud sob coming from Mama's mouth outside before Papa rushed to quiet her. A few minutes later, the door opened and closed as they both walked in.

"Mama, what's going on?" I mumbled. What a stupid question. I knew what was going on. So why was I asking? Because I needed to hear from them.

"Nothing, sweetie. Everything will be all right." Mama trembled as she spoke.

"Tell me the truth, Mama. What's going on?"

Silence.

"Mama, tell me the truth if I have to say goodbye today." I said, mustering up all my strength to make myself heard.

"The chemotherapy isn't working." Papa said for Mama. "Your cancer won't seem to stop."

I didn't say anything. I just laid there wondering what was going to happen next.

"Get out."

No one moved. Silence.

"Please, get out!" I said angrily. "Get out and leave me alone."

"Don't you at least want to see your brother?" Mama asked, reluctant to leave me.

"No, Mama. I don't want to see anyone."

"We love you, honey. You keep that in mind. We love you very much." Mama said kissing my forehead.

"Stay strong for us, Katie. We love you." Papa squeezed my hand before leaving.

I didn't say anything. I didn't do anything. I just laid there, holding my tears back. I couldn't show them. I couldn't let them stay. I had to be alone and I was now. I knew that I would be leaving soon. The pain was horrendous and it wasn't just pain from the cancer. It was also from the emotional pain. And I couldn't let them stay with me to suffer the same amount of pain, if not more, I was feeling.

I never knew that the hardest part of having cancer...was leaving the people that I loved...