I started a club because it would look good on my transcripts, which I desperately needed to beef up. I started the club because after he-whose-name-shall-not-be-spoken dumped me the day before the new school year, heartbreak was the only thing on my mind.
So after miraculously finding a staff sponser (Mrs. Conner) and a general premise of the club (girls with broken hearts help other girls with broken hearts), I expected the general array of girls whose boyfriends had either dumped them, cheated on them, or left them when they went off to college.
What I didn't count on were girls like Kates and Justine, whose problems went far beyond boy stuff. (Of course, I also didn't count on a grand total of four members, including myself.) But that's what I got.
The first meeting, I had no idea what was going to happen. Nevertheless, I had these cards Mrs. Conner had made up sitting by my desk.
Name:
Age/Grade:
Reason you're here:
Goal:
I thought they were incredibly cheesy and typical psycho-babbly stuff, but at the same time just filling the card out made me feel just the tinsiest bit better. Zoey. 16/Junior. Because he-whose-name-shall-not-be-spoken broke up with me and broke my heart. Goal? FIX MY BROKEN HEART.
Ten minutes after writing the last word, I was almost positive nobody was going to come.
But then someone did. A senior girl with shiny, long, pin-straight hair poked her head in the door.
Kates Bartum. I only knew the name because she was famous around town (and the state) for scoring highest on the essay portion of the SATs last year. It was a big deal, and rumor was every school from ASU to NYU were clamoring for her. Of course, it's high school. Rumors are everywhere.
"Is this the right room?" she asked, "um... the broken hearts club?"
I nodded and handed her one of Mrs. Conner's cards. "You're the first person. Sorry,"
She shrugs, "'s okay."
By the time her card was filled out, another girl had entered the room. Blonde hair, peircing hazel eyes. Tan.
Oh. New girl.
"I'm Zoey," I told her, handing her the card.
"Justine Chief," she said as she sat in the desk next to Kates.
Name: Kates Bartum
Age/Grade: 17 and a senior
Reason you're here: My mom killed herself when I was five. I should be over it by now, but I'm not, and starting senior year has me missing her even more.
Goal: I don't know.
Name: Justine Chief
Age/Grade: 16 & 11th
Reason you're here: Just moved here from Sunny Cal and I MISS EVERYONE back home. I am totally lost here.
Goal: Get happy.
It wasn't until five minutes before the end of lunch hour when Saska, this short sophomore girl with black hair, green eyes, and pink-framed glasses, walked in. Kates and Justine had left and it was only me and Mrs. Conner, thinking the club was going to have a pitiful three members.
"Sorry I'm so late," Saska said quietly as she took the card from my hand and leaned against Mrs. Conner's desk to fill it out.
I shrugged and watched the clock as the second hand ticked over to the 12 and the bell rang.
Name: Saska Felds
Age/Grade: fifteen, sophomore
Reason you're here: unrequieted love
Goal: get a grip
So that was it. For girls. The newbie (Justine), the ex-girlfriend (me), the motherless (Kates), and the hopeless (Saska).
Great, I'd thought, what do I do now?
Because, really, how do you help a girl who's lost her mother when you can't even help your own self get over the guy who dumped you?
See? That's what I get for hare-brained ideas like this, I thought as I slung my backpack across my shoulders and waved to Mrs. Conner as I left the classroom.
Author notes
I'm not sure if I'm going to continue it, but I'd love to get some feedback. Basically it's about a girl who starts a 'broken hearts' club at school after her boyfriend breaks up with her. This is really short, but I'll probably continue it.
In a list
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Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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You know I'm really into chick-flicks that much BUT this one is definitely something. ^_^ To be honest I find it to be very interesting. I'll definitely read more of this series.
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I love how this story was based upon life and it seems very well written. It all seems to flow together. I really think that this story could be something. Keep it up!
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I liked the story!! I liked how it was based on life and it does seem well written Keep writing it you've got something here
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Thanks! If you go to my profile you can read the second chapter to it and I hope to add a third chapter soon as long as people are reading it.
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There are no real mistakes in this such as spelling, punctuation or flow-marks but if you want a story to keep a reader's attention you have to grab at it with two hands and milk it for all it's worth.
Overall, the character seems very shallow here, I don't if she progresses as I haven't read the second segment yet but to start a story you reall need to your character a strong basis to build up from.
Try create the 'stretch-effect' in your story because it is short, we want to make it seem long when really it isn't that long.
You break up your story well but the paragraphs should be plentiful with information. What were the other character's facial expressions? How did they walk in and how did they talk? Even the slightest descriptive and emotive language can gives us and insight or an incline into this character's true persona.
Like I said above, descriptive and emotive language. You need to bring the reader into a world that is all your own here. This is where you can go nuts with your creativity. Make each character stand out from the rest. Bring each scenario to life with a simple facial expression or misplaced word. Humans are spontaneous and outrageous. To make your story believable, your characters must be also.
Another point that I couldn't help but notice is that you showed the format of the cards. A good writer will never do this, they will use imagery to bring that card to life in our minds. This is where a bit of description wouldn't be misplaced.
Overall, I think this could work out well but I didn't really see any plot or story foundation which it usually set in the first segment of a story, play or script.
Just try a few of the things I have suggested and if you editted it and want me to have another luck don't hesitate to message me.
I'll be looking back to see some more progress on this story, keep it up. -
Wow, Really true
This story is totally based on real life. I mean at the school I go to this is complealty accurate and it feels like a very real version of what most adults try to write for the young adults section at the library. It's definitly a lot more real when you're in the world of it. The begining was a little slow but it definitly picked up the pace. Really greta job , keep working on it.
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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Starts quickly... maybe you could include the scene when 'he whose name must not be spoken' dumps her?
I like the idea though, I can think of a lot of people who could benefit from something like this.
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Short, but straightforward. Doesn't have to be a mile long to impress people dear. I, for one happen to see nothing wrong here and I'd love for u to continue with it. Let's see if this girl can get her life in order and help the other girls in the process!
-theQueen"beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Where do I sign up?
I don't care much for all the emotional drama stuff and reading some peoples stories is like as much fun as reading an insurance policy.
So I'm reading your story and I'm liking it and then you leave me hanging.
So I need to join your club, cause I finally find a story that has a lot of promise, style, and easy to swallow and then nada, zip.
Maybe you don't know how to finish this story, huh? Okay I double dare you to finish this. Let's see how you solve everyones problems and then I'll start writing and telling you mine. lol
I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt, Great Start.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 1, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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