Stop Dreaming...

"what do you want now?"1

"a car"2

"why?"3

"so i can drive."4

"where?"5

"away."6

"....."7

"i just don't like being here." i fumbled for words. i sounded like such a bitch. "stuck in this town." i lied.8

"..."9

crap, here comes another lecture. talk fast girl. "you know? just go"10

"you'd come back though?"11

no.12

"yea..." i hate lieing to my ears. "...after a few years." BEEP! how did THAT sound?! "i mean months."13

"..."14

what else could i say? it was the truth. well. almost.15

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~16

the wind was blowing in my hair. im speeding down the empty road. surrounded by field. trees line one side. summer breeze. motorcycle wheels blaze underneath me as i bask in this freedom.17

metal blares from my head phones. the sun's behind me, more importantly so are you. further and further, i drive down this one-way-fly-or-die road.18

no destination at all. guitar at my back. im so bad ass...19

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~20

Doodoo!21

the familiar sound. i look down at the grey bar and see your box blinking blue. eager to see what you've said. Click! your words appear in front of me."hey babes."22

i smile. imagining your voice. i type back. "hey."23

"how are you?"24

i think. do you really care? or is this small talk?... small talk. so i type, "the same." although i know you don't know how i've been before.25

"cool"26

"you?"27

"good. good"28

i pause and wonder what you mean by this? what's going on in your life? is it my place to ask? no. silence. im such a loser. why am i waiting for you to write something? i busy myself and check my email. nothing. hm. what did i expect?29

"what's wrong?"30

so you've noticed. kinda ticked off- jealous, full of spite and a wee bit amused that your giving me your attention. "nothing." i can't tell you. too much to type. plus you dont really care.31

"why you so quiet?"32

what should i say? i decide to go with the depression act. "just depressed." there. as far as im going.33

"why?"34

i wonder if you care. i glance at the clock. 6:22. mom will be home any minute. she's gonna kill me. i have so much homework. last term. so slow. i don't care anymore though. Click. you've said nothing. i knew it. what did i expect?35

click. click. the door knob turns. shit.36

"katy?"37

i take a breath. here we go. "hi."38

"where are you?"39

"down stairs."40

"get off the computer and start your homework."41

the usual. "ok. in a minute." our converstaion isn't going well but i still don't wanna leave you. "i have to go. talk to you later."42

"ok.  "43

i smile. thats the kind of thing that makes me wanna go on. you basterd. makes me want you more. you don't want me though, and im not sure i want you fully. i don't even know you.44

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~45

you look at me. your sexy figure walk towards me. every nerve in me responds. grab my hips. glide your hands up my sides. the perfect place. your perfect hair. i want to feel. now lying down we kiss. i imagine you, kissing me. my elbow at each side of your head. leaning. sigh.46

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~47

"katy!"48

egh. "comming." "bye." i don't kiss back. doesnt feel right. im so bad at returning feelings. im so bad at showing love. regretfully i log out switch the screen and speakers off and then shut down.49

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~50

the phone rings. i glance at the display. its you. "hey"51

"hey"52

"whats up?"53

"nothing" 54

silence. classic. we never talk. just feeling each others' presences over the line is comforting. i guess. i need to get to work. if i tell you this and get off the phone, ill sit at the desk, with my books open. pencil in hand. not working. so i don't tell you this. instead i stretch across this abandoned bed and listen to you breath. how pathetic. my mind drifts off once more.55

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~56

us kissing. you wanting me. you loving me. you being with me. making me happy. 57

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~58

driving down the empty road. jazz and metal in my head. dancing shawdows paint the ground that rushes past me. underneath my wheels. i write songs and live on the go. i guess. im happy. thats all.59

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~60

the last remains of what you say drift by my conciousness. silence. "what?"61

sigh."egh! never mind."62

"no. i heard you." more of a reasurance towards me than you. digging through the scrapes of memory i studder what i made out of you talking in the background. "what movie did i see. shrek. it was funny."63

"cool" silence. i smile. its funny actually. ive never done this with anyone else. just you. but if tomorrow came and we didnt do this... i would notice. its part of me now. i hear you typing. "what cha doing?" i know what your doing.64

"just on the computer."65

hmmmm. i really have to go. "i really have to go."66

"no."67

"yes" 68

"why?"69

"i have work to do."70

"no"71

"bye!"72

"no, ill just call you back." 73

you can't get anymore stubborn. i smile. i love you.74

"bye!"i can't play this game forever. i touch the off button hoping you weren't going to say something. i know you won't call back. its won't switch off. stupid phone. every phone i touch- something has to go wrong with it. i pause and remeber what you said. maybe it IS because i chewed the wire. oh well. i seriously don't care. i need to realize the meaning of a dollar. i need a job. i try to picture the interview...or resime... or whatever. 75

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~76

"and why do you want to work in The Gap?"77

"um." sound confident. "i like the gap. i shop here a lot. i would like to see how it is to help people. i have good social skills," hah! "and i stay comitted to a job." what time do i have to get up? oh ya. and i need money.78

"i see. and have you ever had any other expiernce working with people. any jobs before this?"79

oh god. no, but i would be honered for this to be my first job...80

PUL-EASE!81

"no."82

"ok. don't call us. we'll call you."83

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~84

that went well. how are you supposed to get First Time Expiernce when no one is willing to give it...?85

thump. thump. thump. thump. you walk up the stairs. CRAP! i rush to the desk. flip open to any page, grab a pencil and stare down... thinking. eeaarrrrr! the door creaks open and i look up innnocently to meet yous gaze. 86

"i have to go meet my agent."87

"oh. ok."88

"i'll be back later. dont stay up late. promise me?"89

"yea. ok. bye."90

eeeeaaaaarrr! the door doesnt close. i wait for you to walk down the stairs. you go into the bathroom. good enough. i lean forward and close the door fully. thump. thump. thump. thump. thump. ahhhh... i love being alone. because i can slack. but i can't. im so behind. im so bad.91

i wait for the door to lock and then i look out the window to see the car pull away. a sickening reminder of the apartment that i will grace with my presence for the next somewhat 4 years. so small. so ghetto. so poor. ew. elevator. ew. ew. ew. something about that. i can't believe how selfish and materialistic i sound but i cant help but grieve. i hate it. then the more mature side of me jumps in, well what other choice do we have. to satisfy all? egh. i hate this. i need to see you.92

i walk downstairs. log on. your on. duh. your always on. ok. so i came to talk to you. but im not saying anything. i dont want to sound to needy. that the worst. ok. ill wait till you say something. you usually notice im online after an hour or so. but you say nothing. i listen to some music to pass the time. good music. i wonder why no one likes this music. its good. ok fine. respect taste and all but still. can i talk to no one about the newest song i heard? well there was this guy. once. but as soon as his shit face friend came along he couldnt talk to me anymore. because katy aint cool. gave him shit later.93

what ever. thats a Big What Ever.94

his lose.....fucker.95

you dont' say anything. and i decide to forget the whole idea. i log off. i sit there while i think. in the dark. in the silence....and something dawns on me. something horribly harsh and full of reality.96

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~97

i dream about you....then i dream about my future.......why arent the two combined?98

you're not in my future.99

and thats when i realize.100

i have to stop dreaming.101