In a class of twenty-something students, nobody will take any notice. I won't be in a wheel chair, I won't be leaning on a crutch or breathing my inhaler. I won't be taking insulin or speaking with a stutter.
I'll just be.
You won't notice that I'm slightly paler than the person next to me.
You won't know I paint my fingernails pink, not because I like to, but to fend off questions about the natural purple tint.
When I don't kick the soccer ball around with all my friends, and instead sit by the wall with my book, you don't know it's because I can't run. You don't notice I always get in the back of the line so I don't slow anyone up when we go up the ramp to the art room every Thursday.
You don't know that every Wednesday I think about faking sick just so I won't have to go to PE. Not because I'm lazy, but I can never keep up. As hard as I try, as much as I push myself, it just won't happen.
Twice a year I take a visit to the cardiologist, but you don't get that because I'm only thirteen.
You don't know the reason I hate hanging out at the beach has nothing to do with the size of my chest or the freckles on my back and everything to do with the scars on my chest and down my sides. Scars from surgeries I had when I was a baby.
All you see is a tall, blond-haired girl who won last year's spelling bee, who draws hearts on her binders, and has a crush on the cute guy sitting in front of her.
You don't see the girl with only one ventricle who gets tired just walking up the steps to her bedroom and remembers the relieved look in her family's eyes as she came out of surgery successfully last year/
Of course, the only reason you don't see the second side is because I won't let you.
Author notes
This is a fictional story, but it's based on reality and very personal to me. If you review, I'll review you back.
A contest entry
- Come in and see... by Meggh LotusMay.
300 points, ended April 26, 2007, 9 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
How did what I wrote make you feel?
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Yes
It definately made me feel for the character. It's so sad, the kind of problems that are hidden are often the most disturbing. It was great.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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You told this in a really brilliant way... It was heartfelt and touched me deeply... I could almost feel pain the character is going through...
This was an amazing write,
Keep writing!
I wish you success in the contest!
Annie
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Well done here. Heartfelt and reaches out to readers, drawing on senses and love. Amazing job on writing this. Makes me rethink and value all I have in health. -theQueen"
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Very clever and well written
I thought the title to this was clever, and the story was a very interesting read. It shows how this has an impact on her life. Perhaps you could make it in to a diary entry, and expand it more. 'My brother gets impatient with me, because I never go running with him in the park,' or something like that. You know? How other people react. You could talk about how you used to be bullied and the effects of that? These are just suggestions. Keep writing, Meggh xxxxxxxxxxxx -
Well done.
It's short, to the point, and I was thinking it would be nice to read more. The voice is clear, well formed - I got a good sense of "character" from the start. A fine reminder that we never really know the people around us until we make an effort...and sometimes not even then.
Fiction based on truth is often stronger than that made entirely up, because you have a solid foundation to build on. I'd love to see you stretch this out, explore how the narrator juxtaposes her condition with the life she'd like to lead, how she tries to mimic normalcy, who she lets in on her secret, and why.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, characters: 4.
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