The woman stood on the corner of Fifth and Eighth. It was dark, and a distant street light barely illuminated the scene. And quite the scene it was. Though none of the people near by dared calling the police.
She wore a long, fitted, dark gray pinstripe trench coat and matching Fedora. Her bangs dangled in her face covering half of it. Gold glittered across her neck, ears and her gloved hands. One of those hands held a stainless steel, seven shot, eight inch barrel revolver. Her index finger was tense as it hovered just above the trigger.
“ I’m glad we talked Mr. Doyle, I think we made quite the break through today”. She spoke to the man who lay by her feet. He sported a deadly amount of blood outside his body, he was growing paler by the second. Doyle way dying, slowly. He made a swipe at her foot with the last of the his strength and missed as she stepped easily out of the way. “ Stupid bitch” Doyle swore quietly. “ Now that isn’t very nice Mr. Doyle” She said and clicked her tongue disapprovingly.
She stepped forwards and dug the heel of her black stiletto boot into the palm of his hand, he screamed. The woman smiled and continued “ Careful Mr. Doyle, you’ll wake the neighbours”. She knew the ‘neighbours’ were already awake from his earlier cries of pain. She waited for his cries to turn to whimpers. She found it hard to believe she had once respected this man. She aimed her gun and shot him in the stomach. The bang echoed along the street. She continued up his torso a few more shots, giving Doyle time to cry out in pain between each shot. However, after a couple, she decided she had best put him out of his misery.
She lowered the revolver and crouched down beside the man. She stayed quiet, and preoccupied herself by counting the bullets she had left. She didn’t need to, she knew she had four. She sighed and looked up at the sky. Even through the smog of the city, she could still see a few stars. “ Well Mr. Doyle, as much as I have enjoyed my time with you this evening, I’m afraid our appointment is almost done” She rose and stood over him again. She straightened her trench coat and adjusted her fedora. She then brought the revolver back up and aimed between his eyes. “ The Obsidian Trinity wishes you a good night Mr. Doyle” she whispered coldly and emptied her gun into his head. By the time she was done, both her trench coat and her face where speckled with red. She stared grimly down at her handy work for a few minutes before spitting on it and walking away.
Author notes
Well this is just the first part... It isnt going to be some great long peice of work but yes. Here it is.
I'll post the next part when its done
A contest entry
- Watev!! by asthray.heart.
1100 points, ended June 20, 2007, 56 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - ANYTHING! by Magma Globe.
130 points, ended July 13, 2007, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Absolutely Anything! by Kitzwa.
350 points, ended June 22, 2007, 52 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Not Dumb by tacobell4me08.
310 points, ended July 2, 2007, 23 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
So, what do you think?
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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I really like your writing style! Wow! Sooo good!
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Oh, Gary! You've done it again! Another simply astounding review!
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In your reply to me...you say the man was stabbed? How do we know this? All I see described is a gun. BYW...I DO love the title.
GA -
i really liked the description of the gun and thought that the woman herself sounded quite hott! on the other side though, when different people talk a new paragraph should be started. other than that though it was great!
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Believe it or not, I actually like this. It has a distinctive sound...and a beating heart. BUT...please work on what you have to make it AT LEAST a little more believable, and maybe even a little more SUBTLE! (lol). I was not sure of the position of Doyle's body..."he lay at her feel..." One would think FACE DOWN. Then, he makes a swipe at her feet. So...it's almost confirmed. But then...she shoots him in the stomach! This is, at least, cause for some confusion. So...is the guy lying on his back? And, after her first bit of cold conversation: "I'm glad we spoke today...I think we had quite a break through..." You didn't need too much more. That was perfect. There's a maxim about not "gilding the lily?" "icing on the cake?" Sometimes less is more!
BTW...you have your lady pumping bullets like they're going out of style. I assume she already put him down using one, perhaps more bullets. Then you've got her shooting him in the stomach. Another shot! Then you say she shoots him a few (few=three) more times. Then she counts the rounds left...FOUR! and finally shoots him in the head! I thought it was a seven shot magazine!
Take it EASY! One or two well placed shots would have been enough! This gal seems cold and more than sadistic! I'd work on believability! PLEASE. otherwise, you will ruin a good piece. CREDIBILITY! Don't get carried away! BTW...a good mob hitter, or a free-lancer wouldn't hang around that long.
GA -
This was alright. It did not hold my interest much. I was hoping for something better. don't get me wrong the writing was great but I am not interested in this type of writing. For me to really get into a story like this it needs to be amazing. I only fund one mistake... "with the last of the his strength " The word "the" shouldn't be in there... All in all this was a good story. Thanks for netering and good luck.
beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 1, ending: 2, dialog: 4, characters: 1.
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Wow that was awesome. I can't wait to read more. I want to see what happens and see more of the woman in the trench coat. She seems like a very interesting character. I would have liked to have seen this first part a little longer though.
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An interesting story. It got my eye quickly with the title, but it wasn't quite what I expected - though I'm not sure what I was expecting anyway. Nonetheless, you did well with this. I like the phrase "Obsidian Trinity", it's got a certain ring to it. I hope to read more of this story when it's available. Good luck in the contest.
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This is just the right size for my contest!
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wonderful
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Very cold and well done peice here, I LOVED this it was awesomely done and the imagery in the was a face paler.
Who I loved it not much to say, it was all good and flowed well and ahh it was just plain perfect
Thanks so much for entering this I enjoyed reading heaps
Lady Madeline
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Very well written piece of work. You gave the reader a sense of feel for the scene, it came alive, and also you gave feeling to the characters, we could feel both their feelings, especially for the woman or SHE as you refered to her. Keep going, I think you are onto something good here. I am looking forward to the next part too.
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AMAZING
I like it.
:]beginning: 5, language: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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