Three Italians and a Ukrainian

Three Italians and a Ukrainian

Act One

Scene II: The Traffic Jam

Original script by:

Christina

Holly

Shana

Rob

Setting: A car in a traffic jam.

Characters: Bella- Holly

Frankie- Rob

Nana- Shana

Chuh-chuh- Christina

Before Rise: Sounds of cars in a traffic jam, lots of beeping and shouting. Playing quietly in the background is the Beach Boys, indicating a trip to the beach. (Heard before curtain rise)

At Rise: A simulated car (four desks turned to face the audience, tightly packed together.) family members are already seated. Beach items are pilled into the car. Frankie is in the driver’s seat with his hands resting on the wheel. Bella sits patiently with her hands resting on her bible. Chuh-Chuh sits with a look of annoyance on her face. Nana sits with head against the window asleep.

Bella: (cheerful and pleasant) What a wonderful day to go to the beach, the sun’s shining, the birds are singing and—

Frankie With both hands clutched tightly onto the steering wheel) We’re stuck in a traffic jam when we should be at home watching the sopranos!

Bella: Oh calm down Frankie, we have all six seasons at home! Besides, this is the only day that your mom could leave the nursing home.

Nana: (shakes fist angrily) I’m missing BINGO for this!

Chuh-Chuh: (whining) Mo—m, do I really have to sit back here with Nana, she’s sniffing me again! (pauses and looks at Nana) Nana, stop sniffing me!

Frankie: (turns around to look at Chuh-Chuh with arm on the back of the passenger’s seat) Quit your bellyaching’ Chuh- Chuh, she did it to me when I was a kid!

Bella: Why don’t all of you be quiet? We’re going to have a nice day together. (All settle down looking out the windows, Chuh-Chuh sighs, Nana reapplies lipstick etc.)

Now that’s more like it.

Chuh-Chuh: Are we there yet?

Nana: Yeah, Frankie we there yet?

Chuh-Chuh & Nana: (simultaneously x3) Are we there yet?

Frankie: Does it look like we’re there yet?! We’ve been sitting here long enough for me to have watched two and a half episodes of the sopranos!

Bella: Listen everyone, patience is a virtue. Remember, what would Moses do?

Chuh-Chuh: Well obviously Moses would part the cars; (rhetorically she continues) You know…Moses…the Red Sea?

Frankie: (agitated and squinting because of the sun) Bella, we wouldn’t be here right now if we were at home watching the sopranos like normal families do on Sunday afternoons!

Nana: (puts hand up in a cultural way) Hush Frankie, I’ll take the photo album out when we get home!

Chuh-Chuh: (in a whiny tone) I’m hungry.

Bella: There is potato salad in the back, hun, if you want some.

Cuh-Chuh: (Sounds of Chuh-Chuh rummaging through all of the junk in the back, cat meows. Comes back with the bowl of potato salad in hand) mmm… This looks good!!!

Nana: (Sticks hand in potato salad and eats a handful) And it Tastes good too.

Chuh-Chuh: (Sarcastically) Thanks a lot Nana!

Nana: Well I need some food with my pills!

Frankie: (turned completely around and highly agitated) Don’t make me pull this car over!

Chuh-Chuh: How can you? We are in bumper to bumper traffic. It would be harder for you to move this car than it would for Nana to move her bowels.

Nana: Why do you think I take these pills for?

Bella: (cutting in) we must remember what Dr. Campo told us in family therapy. We are supposed to use this time to work out our problems. We do have many.

Chuh-Chuh: Like Nana and her boyfriends.

Frankie: Your mother is right. What did Tony do when his wife left? He worked things out. I cried during that episode. (Getting emotional, a tear streams down his cheek.) It was a GOOD EPISODE!!! (Slams steering wheel again)

Bella: (Starts to lose her temper) this isn’t working! We need to call the therapist. (Reaches into her pocket for cell phone)

Nana: Don’t use that! You’ll get cancer and die. Here, use the car phone that Gramps built for us. (Rummages through stuff. A cat meow is heard in the background. Pulls out big black phone) God bless his soul.

Chuh-Chuh: Nana, what are you saying? Gramps is still in the nursing home. It’s shower day, remember? That’s why he couldn’t come.

Nana: Oh, how I love those sponge baths… (Saying excitedly) It’s magic pills night in the rumpus room! That makes for CRAZY bingo afterwards! Frankie, you should try watching the Sopranos after that!

Bella: (really irritably) No one’s taking any magic anything. The only magic we’re going to have is magic family fun!

Chuh-Chuh: Oh yeah. I can feel the magic happening already. Ooo Magical!

Bella: I’ve had enough of your sarcasm. I didn’t raise you to be a little punk!

Chuh-Chuh: You didn’t raise me at all!

Frankie: Yeah, you’re right…

Nana: What kind of name is Chuh-Chuh? I mean who names their kid that.

Chuh-Chuh: Well I don’t know Nana, if you could tell me that would be great.

Bella: Stop it you two. What would our therapist say?

Frankie: Knock-it-off! This is ridiculous. (Turns to Nana) Yo Ma, really… Do those pills and Sopranos really go together?

Nana: Yeah, why do you think I’ve been watching Sopranos all these years? It’s not for all the hunky actors, that’s for sure…

Chuh-Chuh: (Turns to Frankie) Do you watch the sopranos for all of the hunky actors?

Bella: (points to Chuh-Chuh) you, stop being a little smart (Beeping horn covers words) Smart alic. (Points to Nana) You stop sniffing Chuh-Chuh-

Chuh-Chuh: Finally…

Bella: WHAT DID I TELL YOU?! (Turns to Frankie) AND you! Get your hands on the steering wheel and stop talking about the sopranos!!!

(All settle down looking out the windows, Chuh-Chuh sighs, Grandma reapplies lipstick etc.....)