It Is Better To Have Loved...

People say, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". And to all those people who say that, I say go fuck yourself. Those people don't know shit about what it's like to lose someone so close to your heart. Those people will never understand what it's like to go on with your life while your better half is busily pretending that nothing is wrong. They're the ones who will never be able to comprehend what being lonely is really like in its innermost depths. It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. That's a load of shit.1

From the first time I saw Derek I loved him. He didn't know me and I didn't know him. But I loved him none-the-less. I can distinctly remember seeing startling aqua colored eyes and a smile that made me melt. After meeting one another, we became friends.2

I can also remember this one single time how soft, how low, and how sexy his voice was to my ringing ears. I have no idea what he had said, but I nodded and Derek had thrown his head back and laughed. My cheeks flushed with colour and he smiled, reached out to gently touch my cheek, telling me that I was one of his craziest and closest friends. The feel of his soft skin touching mine made me yearn even more for him. His touch had made me feel like I was being burned... and it was only I that knew I was burning.3

We were friends for years before it dawned horribly on me one day, when we were fourteen, when I heard him ask, "So Amy... where's your sister?" 4

And though Derek had always managed to make me smile and feel happy, and though I loved him with all of my heart, I had never been more hurt by anyone in my entire life. And to tell the truth, I was broken. It hurts even more to admit it... he broke me. It was like a part of me died that day in just a matter of seconds. And only my physical being was there. 5

Everything I had in me, all the good that Derek had brought into my life and made me feel, was suddenly stolen from me like he'd drained the life from me on purpose. But still, I went on loving Derek. I loved him right up to the point where I felt that I needed him more in my life than my twin, Jessica, did. I loved him more than I loved my own sister. And because of that, I smiled and nodded at him before I called for Jess like the perfect sister would. 6

The two went on a date, and from then on, they dated for years. Four years to be exact. But before their long-term commitment to one another, I knew that I would and could never be the girl in the photograph with Derek--I could only look exactly like her. But they were happy together. She made him smile like I wished so many times that I could. 7

Then one day, four years exactly after Jess and Derek had first begun to date, I noticed Jess staring down lovingly at something on her hand. I didn't know what, so I leaned a little closer and I felt the oxygen in my lungs leave me. I felt breathless and like I wanted to cry. I would have, too, if only Jess hadn't turned to look at me, a bright smile planted across her happy, shining face. So instead, I forced a smile and asked when Derek had proposed. 8

"This morning. Oh, Amy, you don't know how much I love him." She gazed off into space, a tiny smile playing on her lips.9

"Oh, but I do, I do." My mind screamed out... if only I had the courage to tell her that I knew how much she loved him--but only because I loved him more than she ever would. 10

A week before Derek's and my sister Jessica's wedding, I left. I took a plane to London where our mom, Lydia, was working on one of her photo shoots. She was supposed to return two days before the wedding so she could take some photographs of my sister on what was supposed to be the happiest day of her life. 11

After I'd told my mom everything, about my love for Derek and about my hatred at Jess for being with Derek, she tried to convince me that there would be guys just like Derek that would come along sooner or later and they would take my breathe away just like Derek did. Her final words to me were: "Amy, I want you to remember this... it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." 12

I smiled and nodded like I understood. But that was right before I locked myself in the bathroom and slashed my wrists. It felt good to feel something other than confusion, love and hatred... so I lay in the tub and waited to die. 13

When my mom began to get worried since I hadn’t come out from the bathroom in a half hour, I was on the verge of death, or so I'd been told. I don’t know how I could have survived, but somehow the paramedics had managed to arrive in the nick of time to give me a blood transfusion. 14

They released me from the hospital the next day, after my mom had made desperate pleas that she'd check me into the hospital back home, because I was supposed to be the Maid of Honor at my sister's wedding in four days. Nobody would ever know that I still wanted to die--especially since there didn't seem to be any possibility that Derek would be in my life... in my personal life, that is. 15

By the time my mom and I had got off of the plane, I saw my sister, and Derek waiting for us, both looked worried and I felt my heart soar with love--because I knew that Derek cared. 16

On the day of my twin’s wedding, I dressed as if this were my day, not Jessica's. And it was my day, though nobody knew it. I planned to tell Derek before the ceremony just how I felt, and from there I imagined my life would go the way I'd always known it would--with Derek by my side.17

As I went to find Derek, my mother stopped me. She asked just what in the world did I think I was doing. What was I doing? Why wasn’t I doing what I'd planned to do? That was the problem. I needed to talk to Derek before the ceremony started. Desperately. 18

Suddenly, just as I noticed Derek standing off to the side looking a little nervous, I was ushered into the front hall just before the ceremony was about to begin. 19

By the time I’d taken my place in front of all of my family and friends, I looked at Derek and realized that I still had my chance if I was brave enough... but I would wait until that proper time came. The wedding march began and I looked to the doors where my sister was standing with our father, looking proud and innocent. I hated her more at that moment than I ever had in my life. 20

When my time came to protest at the marriage, I found that I couldn’t do it. And so I watched with a lost look on my face, as my sister and now brother-in-law kissed while my heart broke all over again, just like it had that very first day Derek asked me if he could talk to Jess.21

When the wedding was over, we all left the church and headed to the after-party, which was being held at our house. I felt a deep depression settle itself over me and it was like I still couldn’t believe that I had just let my sister steal the man of my dreams out from beneath my very nose. But it wasn’t exactly stealing, since he’d never been mine at all. 22

And for all of this pain that Jess had somehow caused me, I condemned her as a traitor and everything else I could think of that began with a letter of the alphabet. All of this while the night was slowly passing with me lying in my room, crying into my pillow, as I listened to the laughter of my family and friends coming from the backyard just below my open window.23

Suddenly, it dawned on me. The most perfect, the most brilliant idea that I’d had since I’d decided to slit my wrists… If I couldn’t have Derek, Jess couldn’t have him either...24

I waited until the party began to die down a little before I made my move. I went downstairs and I asked Derek if I could talk to him. He gave me a brotherly type of smile and followed me into the house. We sat on the couch in the living room, and I didn’t know what I was going to say to him now that I had him completely alone. I don’t know what I had planned to say to him in the first place, but it was all like a big blank to me now. 25

I took a deep breath and let it out before I cleared my throat and said, "Derek, I need to tell you something. It’s really important."26

"Okay, what is it?" he looked at me, likely expecting this to be about me. In some ways it was.27

"I... umm..." I tried to act hesitant, "I saw Jess last week...at the mall... with some guy we all used to be friends with..."28

Derek gave me a weird look, "Amy, what’re you trying to say?"29

I gave him a pointed look, "He had his arms around her and... and I... I needed to know that she wasn’t cheating on you with him... but she went to some house with him. Derek, I... she cheated on you. With him."30

Derek stared at me with a lost look in his eyes. "What?" he asked in a hoarse voice.31

I nodded, "I’m so sorry, Derek. Honest, I am. But I just..." I paused for dramatic effect, making this situation even more pleasurable to me than it would be to anyone else. "I just thought that you needed to know."32

"Amy... you’re sure?"33

I nodded, looking a little too eager to hear what he had to say next.34

He let out a hurt laugh, "That bitch." Derek shook his head and got up to leave. I stood with Derek and he suddenly pulled me toward him. Before I could pretend to protest or object, Derek’s soft lips were on mine in a long, passionate kiss that made a tingling feeling rush through my entire body and warm me. 35

When Derek pulled away from me, I felt warm and giddy. I watched with a happy grin on my face as he walked over to Jess and placed the wedding ring, which Jess had placed on his finger just a few hours ago, into her open palm. It had looked as if she were ready to take his hand but was now looking confused and broken hearted. 36

I laughed and watched with glowing eyes as Jess stared after Derek’s departing back. She was in tears just as I heard a door slam and a car engine rev loudly. Minutes later, Jess came inside and I asked what was wrong as if I had no idea what was going on. She glared at me with a hatred that I had never known she had. It was like she was damning me to hell, which she probably was.37

"You! You... you bitch! You fucking slut, what the fuck did you tell him?"38

My eyes grew wide, "Jess, what’s the matter? What happened?"39

"Don’t play around with me, Amy! I know you had something to do with this!" Jess accused just as our parents walked into the house looking very concerned.40

"Jessica! Do not accuse your sister of something she didn’t do!" My dad, our dad, said to Jess in his very fatherly tone. 41

Suddenly, Jess was fleeing from the room and racing up the stairs, shrieking like a madwoman. We heard a door slam and then the sound of glass shattering. After that, it was completely quiet other than the party that still seemed to be going on out back.42

The next morning I was woken by the screams of my mother. I left the comfort of my room to walk down the hall groggily, complaining about having a hangover, only to find that my mom, Lydia, was on the floor of Jessica’s room, carrying Jessica's limp body that was covered in blood. 43

I walked into the room, completely amazed that Jess had actually killed herself. She’d always seemed to be in more control than anyone I had ever known, but after what happened to her the night before, I wouldn’t blame her for finally reaching her breaking point. But this wasn’t what I had planned on happening. All I wanted was for Derek to leave so neither of us, Jess or myself, would be “in competition” with one another any longer. But now that she was gone, I felt like maybe I could have him...44

After Jessica’s funeral, a few days later, I saw Derek sitting in his car looking dazed. I walked over, a smile on my face, and asked how he was doing. Derek looked at me, his eyes empty and lifeless, and I lost my smile. 45

For the first time since I’d met him, I felt like I didn’t love Derek at all. Really though, deep down, I knew that I somehow still did. And I knew that if I wanted him to like me more, I needed to be honest with him. That’s why I think I took the risk of losing Derek and told him...46

I’d gotten into the car after he asked if we could talk and we’d sat in an almost uncomfortable silence for ten minutes before he finally made a noise.47

"Why do you think did she do it, Amy?" Derek asked me, his voice hoarse. 48

I shrugged and said softly, "Because she knew, I guess."49

"Knew what?" Derek asked, wiping his nose with a tissue as he turned to look at me. 50

"That it was my fault," I admitted to Derek. 51

Derek frowned, "Knew that what was your fault?"52

"Everything. My love for you... and why I lied to you..."53

Suddenly Derek’s eyes widened and he began to look more horrified, even a little nauseous, as my words seemed to ebb their way permanently into his brain. "You... you lied to me?" 54

"Only because I love you so much," I smiled sweetly and raised my hand to run a finger along his cheek. If only he hadn’t pushed me away…55

"Get out," Derek said, leaning over to open the door.56

I frowned, "Huh?" 57

"I said, ‘get out’... now!" He began to push me out the door. "Get out! Get out! Get out!" 58

"But-"59

"Get the fuck out!" he screamed at me.60

I got off of the car and watched with amusement as Derek sped off. I sat and waited on a bench across from the cemetery, where Jess now laid at rest, for Derek to come back.61

I waited patiently for what seemed like hours, until I heard the squealing of tires and I smiled to myself, I knew that Derek would be back for me. But it wasn’t Derek- it was a white car. 62

The police car stopped just a few feet away from me and the red and blue lights continued to flash. Before I knew what was happening, I was being led back to the station in the back of the car, handcuffs on my scarred wrists. Within days, I had been placed in a psychiatric ward of the hospital my mom had promised she’d check me into just a week or so before. 63

And now, today, I sit here alone in my padded room thinking of everything that happened in my life since Derek entered it. I’m more alone now than I was without him. I sit here in this white room, day by day, with the white lights glaring harshly down at me.64

I haven’t seen my mother or father in a long time. They don’t come around here... because I destroyed the dreams they had for their two lovely twin daughters. It’s just too bad one of their lovely twins committed suicide… and the other, me, is here being held captive in this crazy home. They only hold me here because they think I’m crazy or something, which I know I’m not... And still, they never seem to believe me.65

The doctors here, all dressed in their white coats with name tags jutting forward, carry stupid plastic clipboards with pages of lists that they think is wrong with me. But they don’t know what they’re talking about--because there isn’t anything wrong with me. 66

And still, they come in here every once in a while to ask me questions, still trying to think of something that’s wrong with me. All of the doctors say that they want to try to help me... they want to help me understand. And to each question they ask, I answer with a smile and simply say: "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."67