Chronicles of My Ghetto Street (Chapter One)

Sitting on the floor of the small room my daughter's had slept in for the past year, I was amazed at how much "Stuff" they had accumulated of the short time we had lived in that little one bedroom home. Stuff. Even the word itself sounds useless as a glove with no thumbs. "Get your STUFF and go". "Why is your STUFF in my room?" It seems as though the word is always used in a derogatory manner when used as a noun.

Now, if you make it a verb and tell me you're going to STUFF the turkey, you'll make me smile. Wow. Amazing how my mind wanders. I talk about the worthless junk my daughter's have accumulated, which takes me to turkey, and suddenly I'm hungry for some greens and macaroni and cheese.

Why is it that I have so much stuff?

Like the phone cord with the broken clip…

Aren’t two of those enough?

Or the three pairs of pants that have a rip…

I don’t wear them anymore, so why keep them?

There’re the shirts that don’t even fit…

A pair of my son’s pants that are 16 slim…

The boy is wearing 32-30…

And even if he hadn’t outgrown the 16’s…

The things are like…permanently dirty.

I confess, I’m a pack rat, or so it seems.

I’ve passed the curse on down to my offspring,

They’ve got so much unnecessary junk…

From momentary fad to fling…

The remnants could fill a Cadillac trunk.

Why do we have all these Happy Meal toys?

Ones for both girls and for boys.

They play with them for just a few minutes…

That’s all the good they can find in it.

Ever heard that a cluttered house is a sign

That the owner of that home has a cluttered mind?

Let me hurry up and throw away all this shit…

So I can take a good long look at my mind… and clear IT.

While sorting through Bratz Doll accessories, fake money, fake food, and miscellaneous children’s makeup I reminisced on the events that had occurred right before moving into that tiny house and during the time we lived there. When we came, the kids were 7, 8, and 11. We arrived in Indiana overwhelmed and bewildered. None of us had ever lived outside of Michigan. For 19 years of my life I had been someone’s woman or someone’s wife, and for the first time in my teenage and adult years…I was alone. Alone…that’s a scary word when you are accustomed to always having a mate in your life. For 8 years before moving away from Michigan, I had dedicated every part of the essence of my being to a man who took me completely for granted.

Living alone now...so why does it scare me?

During my marriage loneliness was all I DID see...

My heart was filled with so much distress...

didn't matter how I would dress...

I could look like something out of a fashion magazine...

but all the hurt he brought me had turned my soul mean.

Floating through life from day to day...

faking my way through in any possible way...

I couldn't tell you when the last time was that my face had a

smile...

I only knew it had been a while.

Loneliness is all he gave me...

Love could no longer set my heart free.

I was held captive and enslaved by the lonely

If only he had cared...If only.

After 8 years of emotional and mental stress…I was exhausted and I was done. For the last year of our marriage, I knew that something simply wasn’t right. I knew that he had a girlfriend somewhere. I
suspected that she worked with him, because that’s where his affairs originated prior to taking our vows.

He worked in hospitals most of the time. Hospitals seem to be meat markets…the ultimate dating scene. You’ve got doctors and nurses that are away from their families for long stretches, and sparks of
lust fly all over every where. I guess it’s just too hard to go to a phone and pick it up and call the significant other…I don’t know.

A year before we separated, I stood in my front yard and told my sister “My husband has a woman.”

She looked at me like I was crazy, “Oh Marie…not again…do you have proof?” She knew that before we got married, Trey had done this to me five times…whatever possessed me to marry him…I still can’t say.

“I don’t have any proof…no…just my intuition. I just feel it…you know?” She nodded her head because she did know all about the intuition I spoke of. She got that same feeling when her husband was cheating on her. He produced a child during his affair though. I remember standing there and thinking to myself that I would probably be locked up for attempted murder if Trey fathered an
illegitimate child.

Liza put her hand on my shoulder. “What are you going to do baby?”

I looked over at Trey riding around the parking lot on our daughter Diamond’s bike. He was always clowning and making people laugh…Mr. Life of the Party. I then looked over at the kids playing on the playground of the family housing dorms that we
lived in. My attention turned to my sweet sister…my best friend…
“I’m going to lay low… give him enough rope to wrap his own noose around his neck…and when and IF I find out that there is another woman…I’m gonna take great pleasure in kicking the damn chair right out from under him as I watch him gasp for air.”

You seem to think I'm blind, deaf, and dumb....

or is it that you're under the impression that I'm comfortably

numb?

I have a hard time comprehending why you think it's okay

to leave your WIFE home alone day after day.

You come home from work and you go to sleep...

you get up only to go back to work or to creep.

Yeah...I said creep...keep playin me for a fool...

just remember the golden rule.

I'ma let you keep thinking your wife knows nothing...

Kiss you and smile when I know that you're bluffing.

I'll continue to give you this pussy each night...

even though I know nothing about you is right.

When you least expect it I'll let you know what I know...

and then I'll pack your shit so you can go.

It took an entire year for the things he did in the dark to come to the light…but when it did…the light was shining brighter than the Carolina sun. It happened late one night when he was getting ready for work.

He handed me his cell phone. “Baby…do me a favor and program AJ’s number into my phone. It always takes me forever to program anything in.”

Not only was I his wife, but I had been his personal secretary for 8 years also. Trey battled with severe Dyslexia. He was awarded a high school diploma with a second grade reading level. Just one

example of how being an all American athlete can be a curse rather than a blessing. Since he had problems with his Dyslexia, I went to all appointments with him, filled out all of hispaperwork…I did it all.

I took his phone and watched him get ready for work…the past few weeks before that had been good between us. I smiled at him. Only an hour before we had laid in each other’s arms in bed…and for the first time in ages I felt like we had just made love rather than FUCKED.

How is it that he can bring her so much pain and stress...

yet when he comes to her she allows him to undress...

piece by piece her clothing falls to the floor...

yet in the back of her mind she thinks about his whore.

The one that he probably fucked last night...

she's right there in the room with them...visions of them she

has to fight.

His touch is different this time though, it's like it used to be.

She sees the look of passion in his eyes that she used to see.

Gentle touches on the side of her face as his kisses land so

sweetly...

How is it that he could be transporting her back to a time when

they loved each other so completely?

His lips moving sweetly over her skin...

blissful emotions caressing her spirit deep within.

He was taking the time to make love to her mind and to the

essence of her being...

the man she married many years ago was the man she was

seeing.

He makes her forget all about the other woman she knows

exists...

instead...reasons for being together within her head she lists.

He takes her body to levels she hadn't been to in so long...

With vibrations going through her body like this...how could

anything be wrong?

She loses herself in long rhythmic thrusts deep within her...

tears fall as she feels the flow of love...she'll think of him

now...and "her" after.

We had been spending time together as a family and he was going out less on the weekends. I really thought things were getting better, but I was playing the fool. By then, I had lost count as to how many times I had fallen victim to this man’s charm. I programmed his friend’s number into his phone, but as I did, I noticed there was another number that he had saved with no name on it. “Baby…there’s a number in your directory that’s saved with no name. Whose is it?” I looked up at him from the bed.

“Uh…um…Damn…it’s uh… Steve…from work.”

Stammering and stuttering. Red flag number one.

“That’s a new one…I’ve never heard you talk about him before.” My tone didn’t give away that I suspected a thing, but his jumpy mannerisms gave away that he was very nervous.

Red flag number two.

“Oh…uh…he’s just this white boy that I work with. He works in a different department. We play ball together, and he smokes with me…ya feel me?” Now he had transcended from stuttering to talkingWAY too fast.

Another red flag.

Trey was generally a very laid back person, so he naturally talked pretty slow, unless he was lying. When I heard the three words that put the “liar” stamp on the conversation…I knew it.

Ya feel me?

He always ended his sentences with that when he was lying. He was now standing there in front of me waving a big ass red flag back and forth. I played along with him. “Well…you want me to

program his number into your phone for you?”

“Oh…uh…no baby…uh…I’ll know whose it is. That’s why I wanted AJ’s number programmed in. That way I would know whose who.” Damn…he

just planted the pole of that last red flag deep into the tainted soil of my heart. I watched him and wondered if he knew how

ridiculous he just sounded. I thought about the fact that he HAD to be wishing he could be smoking at that very moment.

I tend to have a photographic memory, so I looked at the number and said it to myself over and over in my head. 555-3498.

555-3498. 555-3498.

I handed him his cell phone back and picked up the house phone. I have always had a lot of friends…and talked on the phone a lot. So when I was dialing the house phone while he was talking to me, it didn’t even phase him. 555-3498.

I listened to the ringing on the other end with one ear, and him rambling endlessly about the NBA season in the other ear. Yet another red flag. He just would NOT shut up with his cover up
conversation.

“Hello…” Wow…Steve sure did sound awful feminine. I hung up. I decided to just sit and watch him with “that look” that I get…make him sweat a little.

“Baby…does Steve have a girlfriend?” His head snapped to look at me. When he realized he was acting suspicious…he quickly got back to getting ready for work.

“Uh…no…well…I don’t know. I don’t know him that well Ree…why?” Now he was starting to sound a little agitated. Hmm...maybe after all these years he’s finally starting to catch on a little and he
actually knows what’s coming this time.

“Who is she?” I’m met with anger and attitude because I dialed the number. I pick up the house phone and call her back.

Ringing…ringing…fighting him off with one hand… receiver in the other hand.

“Hello.”

“How long have you been fucking my husband?” No need to beat around the bush…I decided to get straight to the point.

“Uh… who is your husband?” Wow…that was impressive.

“Well…how many men are you fucking? You can’t figure it out by a process of elimination?” Silence. “Look bitch…I’m talking about Trey…HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN FUCKING TREY?"

“Trey doesn’t HAVE a wife. He already told me to expect your phone call. I know the whole thing. I know that you live together because you can’t pay your bills on your own…and you aren’t anything to him BUT his baby’s mother. He told me you’re crazy… and that you would claim to be his wife…” Laughter. I just KNEW I wasn’t hearing LAUGHTER on the other end of the phone. “He told me that you would try to get me over to your house claiming you could show me a marriage certificate…but it would only be to try to start a fight with me…so I’ll save you the trouble. I’m not
coming over because I already know that he’s NOT your husband. You don’t mean a thing to him.” I laughed with her… and hung up.

You filthy dirty stankin' ass whore...

who the fuck invited you to come through my door?

I don't recall letting you in my bed...

what could be going through your head?

You've never been in my home you say?

Listen bitch...you invade my space each and every day.

I knew who you were before I ever even heard your voice...

You’re bitch number six...you think I even had a choice?

I couldn't ignore the signs like bad omens...

He's sending bad vibes every time his mouth opens.

I hate you for the fact that you're so blind...

you couldn't even see I was sneakin' on you from behind.

I've been waiting for the chance to talk to you for over a year.

I felt you all over him every time he came near.

Do yourself a favor and let this man go...

oh wait...you think he's YOUR man...you silly ass ho.

Go ahead and believe he only has a child with me...

guess what bitch...he's been Daddy to three.

He may have only biologically MADE one...

but he's got another daughter and a son.

Am I calling you a home wrecker? Nah...not that...

he made the choice to chase that cat...

He ruined his home and forsook his family...

the demise of this unit is on him...not you...and not me.

I'll forgive you for being such a stupid little ho...

cuz soon I'll hear you cry and say "I really didn't know".

I promptly turned to pitch Trey’s phone at him…and then proceeded to bust him dead in his jaw. His glasses flew off his face. I turned to walk away as I spit “Get OUT” out of my mouth as I did.

I went and sat down on the sofa, wrapping my house coat tight around my body….tucking my feet up under my body…arms folded across my chest. I really didn’t want him to see me crying. I tried so hard to be stoic and just hold it all in.

Before I knew it…there he was on his knees in front of me. “Baby…listen to me….please…LOOK AT ME!” I stared at the wall in back of him just above his head…to the spot where our marriage license

hung on the wall. I was so tired of hearing the same old “Baby Baby…please” song. He was getting really good at singing it…but I’d heard it so many times before…I already knew all the words.

I looked him dead in his eye. “What do you have to say that I haven’t already heard five times before Trey? There’s nothing you can say that’s brand new.” My tone was so ice cold I gave myself chills.

“Baby…just listen to me Ree…PLEASE. I told you that when I put this ring on my finger it would never happen again…and I meant that. It was a mistake Ree…please…don’t break my family apart
because of just one night…baby…talk to me…please.” He looked up at me…and all I could do was wonder why I fell for this bull shit so many times before.

Then…I thought about our kids…and how heart broken they would be if we split up. “Listen…you’re my husband. We’ll get through this…but just know and understand…I’m doing this for the kids…not for me or you right now. It’s for the KIDS Trey.”

He leaned forward and kissed me on the forehead. “I’ll call you when I get to work baby…I love you… please don’t doubt that I love you.”

I just gave him an icy “mm hmm”…and he walked out the door.

Long story short…he only stayed away from her for 8 days. That’s all the effort the children and I were worth. It took a month for me to figure it out…but I figured it out. I found out late on a Friday night while he was “out”. “She” told me on the phone that he had been coming to see her every day… and had spent at least one night a week with her too.

Then…she revealed to me that the first date they had was ONE YEAR AGO… on our ANNIVERSARY. The day he told me he was going to cut our dinner short so that he could go to play ball with AJ…but didn’t come home til noon the next day.

I fell asleep with it all on my mind. When I woke up before him the next morning…I quietly crept around the room and packed all of his things…and then called his whore on the phone. The photographic memory didn’t fail me. 555-3498.

Ringing. My hands were sweating and I was trembling. “Hello?”

“This is Heidi…Trey’s wife. Don’t say a word…just listen to me. You need to turn down the blankets on the side of the bed that he’s been keeping warm…because he’s about to keep it hot. You can have him. I don’t want him anymore…he’s your headache now. I’ve packed his shit and I’m about to wake him up. Come get his ass.”

There was dead silence on the other end of the phone. “Hello?”

“I’m here. I’m just trying to figure out just how crazy you are. Trey spent the night with Rob last night. Why do you play these games?” I stood there in my kitchen, leaned against the counter, and couldn’t help but smile and laugh.

“You know what? I’ve got something for you to hear…” I walked to our bedroom, and crept up to the side of the bed he was sleeping on. I leaned down…with the phone in my hand…and I kissed his cheek… “Baby…wake up…hey…baby…wake up.”

Trey opened his eyes…and squinted at the light streaming through the blinds. He smiled at me…the nerve of this bastard. “Hey girl…you ready to serve me that pussy for breakfast in bed?” I smiled in satisfaction. I lifted the receiver to my mouth. “You hear that? Come get this bastard outta my house.” I was met only by sobbing on the other end. I threw the phone onto the bed. “Ya
better talk to your bitch before you’re completely alone…cuz you’re gettin’ outta myhouse…TODAY!”

Laying in your arms...here in this place...

Looking up at your sleeping face...I wonder how much longer

I can live this lie...

Each a day a part of me follows the last to die...

Our marriage is falling apart my dear...

I have nothing left...I've shed every tear.

We never talk anymore...we only fight...

Yet every night...we unite...

The sex is still blissful...damn that it's THAT SHIT...

Everything's good in the bed...but that just ain't IT...

We have nothing else but these children we share...

Damn...I feel like pullin out my hair.

You think I don't know where you are when you aren't at

home?

You think I don't realize just where it is you roam?

You think I don't wanna track the bitch down

and watch her lie bleeding on the ground???

A smile graces my lovely face...

as I realize there's just no place...

no room in my life for all this hatred and bitterness....

I deserve happiness and joy and nothing less.

Slowly I creep from under the arm that once made me feel so

protected...

until hurt and bitterness into my heart you injected...

You made me put up walls to maintain security...

You have pushed me too far...don't you see?

I stand and feel the sunlight streaming through the blinds...

Last night I was overcome with negativity of different kinds...

This morning...it's a day brand new...I'm bout to rid my home

of you...

As I pack your things quietly...and watch you sleep...

Careful not to wake you...around the room I creep...

An hour passes... and all your things are ready to go...

It's come to an end...it's over...it's time for YOU to know...

I walk to the edge of the bed... "Hey...wake up..."

I lean down and kiss your cheek...your eyes come open...you

rub them and blink...it's focus you seek...

I look down at you and smile...Once upon a time for you I

would have gone the extra mile...

"It's time for you to get up baby...you have someone coming

for you...

your ride will be here in ten minutes...who is it? It's your

boo....

the one you have been giving MY love too...

see...your shit is packed...don't thank me...

you'll pay me for it...it's called alimony...

Get up out of MY bed... get out of MY house...this is no

longer ours...

Hurry and leave before my attitude REALLY sours..."

I peel the covers back off you...and as you stand...

"Deal with it...play the game...you dealt your own hand..."

You can't believe it...you try to beg...

sit on the bed and hug my leg...

"Get up off me and get your shit...

I'm done...it's over...this is it..."

You walk out the door...

and I look out the window...

get in the car with your whore...

My life is new...this I know...

Starting over...it's not going to be easy...

but out of it all...I salvaged the REAL me...

I then spent two weeks straight not eating…not sleeping…not showering…not even getting out of bed. I was in such total desperation I had sent the kids to stay with Trey at this bitch’s house because I couldn’t even take care of me…let alone them.

Two weeks into what I call my “funk”…I heard a knock on the door. It was unlocked, so I just lay there on the sofa and hollered “Come in.” I really didn’t even care who it was.

Within seconds, my best friend Renee and her man were in front of me. I looked up at her. “Enough is enough Marie. Twon…put her in the tub…I’ll take it from there.”

I had no fight in me. I was so run down I could barely move. Twon picked me up and carried me to the bathroom and laid me down into the tub fully clothed. Renee came in and hugged Twon after turning on the bathwater. “I’ve got this from here baby. I’ll call you when I’m done.”

“I’m stayin’ baby…I’ll help get the place cleaned up while you take care of this.” He leaned over into the tub…and I noticed a tear roll from his cheek as he kissed my forehead. “You’re killin’ yaself babygirl. You gotta get control of this.”

He left, and Renee went to work. She had thought of everything. She removed my night shirt and then opened up a bag that she had brought with her and cut the edges of my panties to take them off of me. She then took a face cloth and gently ran the water over my skin. All this was done in silence. I wanted to speak…but I just couldn’t.

She looked at me as she let the water run over my skin. “Baby…you cant’ keep doing this to yourself. Nobody wants to see you like this. I know it hurts. I know that you want to run and hide from all the pain. But you can’t. That’s not you baby…you’re a fighter… a soldier…I wanna wash away the depression…and I want to find my girl Marie.” She got right next to my face and whispered through her tears, “I know you’re in there Marie.”

She sat back and took my favorite body wash (warm vanilla sugar) out of the bag she had brought. She lathered the face towel and she began the process of washing my body. After she finished, she ran water from a cup over my hair (which came down to my behind) to wet it in preparation to wash it. As she rubbed conditioner into my hair, I could feel myself beginning to come back to life.

I kept looking at her, trying to make her see what I couldn’t say. I knew she understood, because a few times she would just whisper, “I know baby…it’s gonna be okay.”

When she was done, she stood back and held her hands out to me. “Can you get out yourself?” I reached up and took her hands, and she helped me stand up. She had brought a big bath towel with
her… my favorite color…pink. I remember it was so soft and warm. She wrapped me in it, and she helped me step out of the tub.

That day…my best friend helped me dry my body, dress, and she sat and brushed my hair and pulled it back into a pony tail and braided it. She did all this in silence…the words of friendship speaking mad volumes.

She walked me out into the family room. Twon had put fresh linens onto the sofa for me to lie down. I walked over and sat down. I looked up at the two of them, and the floodgates opened. I cried for what seemed like hours…and the words fell right along with the tears. They sat next to the sofa on the floor, and they listened, and they prayed, and cried with me.

I felt so much better after I had purged all of it from my system. They were getting ready to leave, and I had found the physical strength to walk them to the door. I was so very tired, even after they had forced me to eat…I was still very weak.

At the door…I hugged Renee. She whispered into my ear as she stroked my freshly braided pony tail. “Think about the strong woman of God that is there beneath all the clutter this marriage left you…get past the clutter…and find that soldier again”.

I had to declutter my life…I had to find the real me again…and he was part of the clutter that had to go.