Who hurts the most

I never really had a father and the day I told my mother what he was doing to me. I lost her.

I remember that day so clearly now. The worst part is I forgot it, for so long. Yet my mother never let that day leave her mind. My father was doing things to me longer then I could remember. "Don't tell mommy," he said at the end of each memory. Memories are so easily forgotten when your young. I'm told I remember more then I should or every could remember. I could probably tell you ever day of my childhood if you wanted me too, but who really has the time to listen. But the most important one I forgot, for so long.

I was seven years old. Wondering why I've never told anything to my mother and why my father didn't want her to know. So I decided I should just tell her and sadly as a child I wasn't expecting anything from it. "Mom I need to tell you something that dad doesn't want you to know." She took me into my Aunt Lynne's Bedroom (who we were living with at the time) so we could be alone. I told her a brief childlike description, that wasn't even everything.

She runs over to my father and asked him. Don't know what they were saying. Then my mother turns to me. "I asked him, you tell me if it happens again."

That was all that was said, nothing was done and nothing was ever said again, but everything changed. My world went completely upside down. Crumble and shattered into dust.

Since nothing was done that day. I took everything as nothing and let all of that day slip into the back of my mind, never to be thought of again.

It was the complete opposite for my mother. That day haunted and roamed inside her head for so long. For nine years she kept it inside herself never telling anyone. Until slowly she began to die, inside, probably could of died all together. For she wasn't my mother anymore, not the mother before my world fell apart.

I never in all my life could describe what thoughts were spinning through her head all those years, or could even tell you if they were right. All I could ask, is why?

I know some never tell and hold it inside until the end of their days and some tell at the beginning, mark it for what it is and was before it gets worse than what it could be. I guess my mother told in the middle.

But really, what you find the most through pain. Is that isn't what it is or was, but what it does and what happens as a result of what the problem is.

At time I don't know what was worse. My father for what he did and was and is, or my mother for the nothing that was done and the result of what happen, that changed everything.

Now the question, who hurts more?

I'm 21 years old.

Spent the first 7 years of my life in a fantasy world of bliss. I had a mother who believe she had the best life the perfect family and the perfect father and husband, a mother who wanted the best for her family, so much that it radiated through her soul and shined on all of us.

Why did I have to be the one to show her it was all a lie? Why did I have to be the one to pull her out of her fantasy world of happily ever after that she loved so much and show her that her true world was just nightmare. I want her back. I want the mother I had, but I can't have her back, for what I had wasn't real.

Spent the next 9 years of my childhood after that, in a nightmare. Though it always was a nightmare. We just didn't want to see it for what it was. Couldn't we of just gone back to live in bliss happiness, but once you know the truth. I guess you can never go back. No matter how much you want to

I could never give the reason why my mother held that dark and terrible secret inside herself for so long and let it take away everything that was wonderful about. But the truth that makes my heart shatter is that something that wonderful could never be had again.

It will be 6 years this Summer, since the last time I spoke to my father. Why my mother chose then, the Summer I was 16, that's one of the things I'll never know. And I've learned that somethings really don't have answers.

I remember that Summer, I felt so happy and free. I felt that everything was so clear then. That I had all the answers to why everything changed I knew things were different, I just didn't know why they had changed and I felt that since I had the answers now that everything would go back to the way it was. Have the happily ever after all over again. It took me so long to realize that all we had left was a shattered foundation of everything we built in that fantasy world that could never be real.

I'm told that all you can do from there is start again. What I say is you need to walk away first. What good does it do to hold onto something that was never real and just shattered and broken. Start anew and create something that can be true.

When nothing else can be found then what's inside yourself then that is were the greatest treasure is discovered.

That's why I wonder. Who hurts the most. When I, the child was able to find my own way. When my mother still feels lost and hasn't found yet. What I hold so dear. Give it time.