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CHARACTERS
TAILOR
EMMA:[Student]
PAPA SAM
MAMA SAM
[The above are all TENANTS of the same house]
PAAPA [Caretaker]
CHAIRMAN [Customer]
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SCENE ONE
[THE EKPO MASQUERADE DRUMS ARE RATTLED, THEN ROLLED.] THE PLAY IS SET IN A VILLAGE BY A HIGHWAY, NOW AND THEN A HEAVY GOODS VEHICLE IS HEARD ROARING PAST. THE VILLAGE IS ALSO SITE TO THE FACULTY OF A UNIVERSITY. IT ADJOINS THE JUNGLE AND AS WELL IS A FARMING COMMUNITY. THE SCENE OPENS SHOWING A HOUSE BY A SIDE ROAD. AT ONE END OF THE VERANDA IS A TAILOR’S SHOP WITH TABLE, SEWING MACHINE AND A BENCH. TAILOR SITS ON THE TABLE, SMOKING.
EMMA: [COMES OUT TO THE VERANDA FROM AN ADJACENT ROOM, HAILING:] Tailor de tailor! I can see you’re cooling yourself down this early morning. [ EMMA SITS ON THE BENCH.]
TAILOR: [ DRAWS ON HIS CIGARETTE, COUGHS AND SPEAKS BETWEEN PUFFS:] How poor man go do now. At least we console ourselves with this.
EMMA: Boy, easy o! That thing de kill.
TAILOR: What will kill a man will kill.
EMMA: Is that so? Look, it’s a foolish poor man who sees the rich man’s funeral and decides to die. Where is the money for his own grand burial?
TAILOR: [GIGGLING] Don’t let me choke on this thing. I assume you’re calling me a foolish poor man?
EMMA: No, it’s just a proverb.
TAILOR: In that case, it’s a piece of advice. I’d try and stop it. It’s the resolution I’m making for next year.
EMMA: That is barely one month from now.
TAILOR: YES o!
EMMA: I know it’s not easy to stop but try you must. My father was a hard smoker and told us he did it because he wanted to be a happening guy like his peers but discovered at the end, using his own words, jumping from tree to tree does not make a monkey an eagle. A cigarette-related chest problem almost took his life. I learnt from him.
TAILOR: I’d try. You’re not going home this weekend?
EMMA: No. It’s girls who go home often ... With a ‘flash’ of their mobile phones to one of their many ‘uncles’ around town , the uncle calls and a place is arranged for the weekend stay. She comes back loaded in the new week. But we guys must manage what we are able to wheedle from our relatives.
TAILOR: Bottom power, they call it.
EMMA: My brother, that is nonsense. If you get close to some of these girls you realize they’re passing through hell. First, you mess around with somebody else’s man which means you’re in a war situation. You’re a target for the wife and many confess they’ve been attacked. Not long ago, we heard one been bathed with acid.
TAILOR: I know the girl, one of my best customers. She was always shaping and re-shaping her wear, always clothed in tight and skimpy things.
EMMA: Then you knew her. Secondly, in this age of HIV-AIDS, you’re a potential victim…
TAILOR: Does Aids really exist?
EMMA: In the ten years I’d been in the city chasing money which kept racing from me and in the three years I’ve been here I’ve seen a couple of my colleagues go down with the known signs and symptoms and confirmed too by doctors.
TAILOR: But people in the village say it’s witchcraft attack, that there’s nothing like Aids.
EMMA: That’s the problem with our people. We confuse issues and make everything looks like witchcraft attack, especially issues that tend to curtail our sexual expliots. We want to have sex as often as we want and with as many partners as we can. So anything to stop us from this is witchcraft attack!
TAILOR: Well, I’d give you one example. You know the landlady opposite?
EMMA: Yes [STARTS TO GIGGLE].
TAILOR: Then you know more than I thought.
EMMA: Go on. The thing is I know you sometimes help yourself to her pie.
TAILOR: Okay, then you know. You know too the husband is no more?
EMMA: Yes, I Know.
TAILOR: Initially, people said its Aids.
EMMA: I’ve heard the story.
TAILOR: The guy became thinner and thinner and later died. Then a man whom everyone believes is a wizard confessed he ‘jammed’ him spiritually and today everyone says the man died from witchcraft attack.
EMMA: But the wife …
TAILOR: [INTERRUPTING] She’s ill presently and has been taken out. They say the problem has been identified and would be solved finally.
EMMA: She’s been taken to where?
TAILOR: They took her to churches before yet the problem couldn’t be solved. I learnt finally she’s been taken to a witchdoctor who assures she’ll be okay this time around.
EMMA: I hope she’s okay once and for all.
TAILOR: I hope so too.
EMMA: You see I must add this. I’ve heard many prophecies had been made in the churches over her illness and ‘assignments’ were undertaken for her recovery yet each time she returned, she’d be okay for a month or two, then the problem would appear again. I heard too…
TAILOR: YOU heard, you heard ... who is the little bird whispering all of these to you?
EMMA: Secret is secret because someone never ventures to tell you he knows. So I know because I’ve read your secret dairy left open in the mouth of another. Like I was about to say, I heard too, she’s gone to a couple of witchdoctors who also claimed to have solved her problem finally yet that same problem had kept resurfacing. Why is she afraid of the hospitals?
TAILOR: She’d gone there and had a check-up so she told me.
EMMA: I rather think she’s got plenty cash to spend. All the same I hope she’s okay this time.
I hope so too. Not only hope but I pray too. She’s such a nice woman. If truly the problem is Aids, it’s the husband. That man while alive chased just anything in skirt – married and unmarried. And there’s fear that again if truly it is Aids half the village is infected, myself inclusive.
EMMA: And with the arrival of these construction guys handling the massive business resort in the state capital, the problem has been compounded. It’s like they’re all competing to see who sex the most women every end of the month and I’ve discovered they hardly use condoms.
TAILOR: It’s sex boom, my brother. Married women are competing with singles, teenagers with oldies to attract the construction guys’ attention because of the peanuts they get as gifts and the guys are reckless!
EMMA: Even those who should know don’t. You see the same nonsense among the student population. Now and then, you hear of pregnancy and abortion.
TAILOR: It’s the same thing in the village. The girls are visiting the quacks like we here are visiting the streams and some don’t come back, if you know what I mean.
EMMA: That’s the visible end result of sex boom. The invisible like Aids keeps creeping into the corners of our homes.
TAILOR: It’s scary! May God help us all. [A MOTORCYCLE MOVES INTO THE PREMISES AND CHAIRMAN DISMOUNTS]
CHAIRMAN: [HAILING] Tailor de tailor!
TAILOR: [HAILING BACK] Chairman, the right chairman!
CHAIRMAN: [WALKS INTO THE VERANDA] I’ve lost my chair. Someone else is now sitting on it. [TAILOR AND EMMA LAUGH] Good day, gentlemen.
TAILOR AND EMMA: [IN UNISON] Good day and welcome.
TAILOR: Then you weren’t honourable enough.
CHAIRMAN: NO, no, no! It’s rather for the opposite reason I lost. I was just too honourable. I’ve just learnt if you’re not crooked and a master of doublespeak politics here isn’t for you. And you must be a thief, I mean a bloody-minded thief too.
EMMA: Ah ha, why a bloody-minded thief?
CHAIRMAN: So you’ll have lot of cash to give to your political ‘godfather’, spend for all your female admirers and donates at the many occasions you’d be invited to chair: wedding, religious buildings and child naming ceremonies. Then also the end of the year village and clan parties.
TAILOR: A good man of God doesn’t take such money.
CHAIRMAN: You’re talking of a good man of God and how many are they in this country? The men of God we have here readily take and no one else receives profuse benediction than the politician.
EMMA: Aha! That’s why our treasury is always in pain.
CHAIRMAN: Pain? That guy you just mention lives in perpetual strangulation! [EMMA AND TAILOR LAUGH. THEN CHAIRMAN ADDRESSES TAILOR:] Help me see if you can knock up these clothes into a wearable shape. If they can’t take me to my menial job in the campus, I would be pleased if they can serve in the farm.
TAILOR: So you won’t pay for the big job I’m going to do on them that’s why you’re telling me they’re for farm. Chairman, you’ll pay!
CHAIRMAN: As usual do a nice job and the payment is no problem.
TAILOR: I think I’m changing the zipper, mend the pocket and re-take the length?
CHAIRMAN: Yes o! And please, don’t forget to reshape the head and fix the feet. [EMMA AND TAILOR LAUGH] So that’s how much?
TAILOR: Just two hundred naira.
CHAIRMAN: Add ‘only’.
TAILOR: I’m fair to you.
CHAIRMAN: Just as I’m dark. [TAILOR AND EMMA LAUGH] I’d pay hundred bucks.
TAILOR: It’s hard work, Chairman. Let me take twenty bucks out.
CHAIRMAN: Anytime you want to kill me you’d add ‘chairman’. I hand you the title. I’m paying one fifty bucks last.
CHAIRMAN: I thought we should return you unopposed in next year’s election.
CHAIRMAN: Sorry, I’d be on sabbatical when they start. There’ll be too much gory sights to see. They’ve not even got near election date yet and you’re hearing of assasins here and there.
TAILOR: You’re afraid of assasins as if you’re not from our part of the world. Just walk to a witchdoctor and get your invisible bullet-proof vest.
CHAIRMAN: Sorry o! That too fails. Our people say if you hit a man with a machete and yet the skin proves too tough for that, then whip him with a broomstick and he would feel the impact for the rest of his life. You see the devil is deceiving us. I’d be back to have my clothes in the afternoon. [CHAIRMAN LEAVES. TAILOR WORKS THE SEWING MACHINE. NOT LONG, A GUNSHOT IS HEARD IN THE DISTANCE; FOLLOWED BY A SECOND. THERE’S COMMOTION IN THE HIGHWAY AS A COUPLE OF VEHICLES FLEE WITH NUMEROUS MOTORCYCLES, HOOTING THEIR HORNS. THERE’S EXCITEMENT EVERYWHERE AS PEOPLE SEEK TO KNOW WHAT THE MATTER IS: ‘ARE THE ROBBERS FINALLY HERE?’; ‘THEN LET’S FLEE, WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR? ALL I’VE GOT IS MY BALLS!’; ‘IS IT FORESTRY OFFICIALS AND ILLEGAL SAWYERS?’; ‘THIS IS SEASON OF POLITICS! I KNOW IT’S THUGS MAULING ONE ANOTHER!’; ‘THIS LOOKS LIKE RIOTS! ARE THE STUDENTS RIOTING AGAIN SO SOON AND ON A WEEKEND?’; ‘WETIN DEY HAPPEN SEF? PEOPLE JUST DEY RUN, DEM NO FIT TALK!’; ‘IT’S LIKE OUR COMMERCIAL MOTORCYCLISTS CALLED ALALOKS. HAVE THEY BURNT A POLICE STATION AGAIN?’; ‘IS IT OUR AGE-OLD SENSELESS BOUNDARY WAR? ARE INDIGENES ATTACKING NON-INDIGENES ONCE MORE?’ THEN ANOTHER GUNSHOT.]
TAILOR: What is really going on? It’s like I’m hearing commotion from the highway.
EMMA: It’s like bangers. Ever since we entered this month kids have been throwing bangers recklessly.
TAILOR: I hope they would let us know when the robbers are coming.
EMMA: It’s funny though quite sad. Armed robbers are getting real brash these days, distributing notices to prominent members of the community stating when they would visit.
TAILOR: My brother, it’s terrible times we are living in. [GUNSHOT IN THE DISTANCE AGAIN]
EMMA: This sounds heavier than banger! I think it’s a gunshot.
TAILOR: Then the bad guys are finally here! Can’t you hear the commotion too?
EMMA: You’re right. Commotion reaching us from the highway – sound of fleeing vehicles and motorbikes. Something is gravely wrong!
TAILOR: I’d find out. Here comes Chairman. [HOLLERING AT THE MOTORCYCLE ZOOMING BY] You don’t ride anymore but fly! What really is going on?
CHAIRMAN: [STOPS AND SPEAKS OVER THE ENGINE STILL RUNNING] I don’t know. Everyone at the junction is running and I’m running too. Our police people don’t know how to differentiate between the innocent and the guilty. The witness is treated as a culprit. Anybody at the scene of any incident deserves to be put in a cell and you know money must exchange hands before you’d be free again. I like being on the safe side. I’m getting my bike first and foremost to safety – I just finished paying the last installment. Then if things hot up more, I’d throw myself across the stream to my farm. I’d return when calm eventually returns. I dey come! [CHAIRMAN ZOOMS OFF ON HIS MOTORCYCLE]
TAILOR: See ‘Naija’ man. He’s running away yet he says he’s coming.
EMMA: Political doublespeak. Don’t forget he’s your ‘chairman’. [BOTH EMMA AND TAILOR LAUGH] Look, we better stay on the safe side too. Let’s get the machine inside and then get to know what’s really the matter. If it means leaving for the other bank of the stream then we won’t wait for anyone to tell us what to do!
EMMA: Ah, who doesn’t know every incident is a money-spinner for our police? I run as fast as my legs could take me from our men in black. And the cells too give me the shivers. I’d prefer a pigsty with all its freedom to our police cells.
TAILOR: Wait a minute. I think I’m hearing Mama Sam’s voice in the neighbourhood.
EMMA: She who doesn’t return from the market early. What would force her back so early today?
MAMA SAM: [SPEAKING AS SHE APPROACHES] It’s cult boys o! They’re at it again. They’ve spilled blood right there at the junction – cutting themselves just like butchers cutting meat! [MAMA SAM NOW ADDRESSES TAILOR AND EMMA] Please, where are my children. I’ve seen this morning with my eyes sad things that terrify my mind!
TAILOR: You forgot you took them to your mother’s place this morning?
MAMA SAM: Oh, my brother …
EMMA: You suddenly have become forgetful yet waxing poetic, Mama Sam. What has terrified your mind so?
MAMA SAM: I’m afraid for my children so! I saw parents’ stress, sweat and blood just wasted in few minutes. A child parents sent to school to have education so his tomorrow could be better just lying there, helpless, and being cut into pieces like meat. [MAMA SAM SOBS] Cut on the head, hands, legs – cuts all over the body.
TAILOR AND EMMA: [IN UNISON] Cult boys!
MAMA SAM: [STILL SOBBING] Blood was just gushing out of the young man’s body like water flowing out of a dozen taps – blood was everywhere. I nearly fainted.
EMMA: We heard the gunshots and was just wondering what was the matter.
MAMA SAM: [SNIFFING] They first scare away people with gunshots, then cut the young man with machetes and small axes. [MAMA SAM SOBS AGAIN] Then they shot into the air again before leaving.
TAILOR: Why put aside the guns and instead use axes and machetes on someone?
EMMA: To prove they have hearts like granite.
TAILOR: It’s sad! I keep crying that if I had someone to help me complete my secondary school education and not dropped out in the fourth year I did I would’ve been better off today. Yet people are opportune to move into higher institutions and do not know what to do with their lives. Indeed, it saddens me!
MAMA SAM: Is this the same sort of thing we are struggling so our children would pass through if ever we have the money?
EMMA: Same thing except this afternoon we happen to have a miracle. Would we all stop breaking rules to get what we want? Students break rules to get their qualifications. Lecturers break rules to get their money. Politicians break rules to get their votes. Our society break rules to fill their needs. Cult boys are products of the larger society.
TAILOR: I don’t understand.
EMMA: Well, I’ve seen a father waiting at an exam centre with cash to settle the invigilator so his child could be allowed to cheat. So to such a child taking short cuts to achieve his goals is a normal thing to do and cultism is one such short cuts. And as politicians patronize cult boys to intimidate opponents and rig elections youths find cultism irresistible. So would we all stop taking short cuts?
TAILOR: I’d thought it was only River Jordan we need cross to get to the promised land.
EMMA: Sorry, sir, we are still miles and miles away from the bank of the Red Sea.
TAILOR: Then we still have many rivers to cross.
EMMA: I’m a great optimist but I fear to say you correctly describe how I feel for now.
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