Diary of a Made-Up Girl

June 2nd, 20041

Today I lit a fire and let a metal key sit in the flame until it got really hot.  then I dropped it onto a predecided place on my leg.  held it there through rising and falling of the pain, and lifted it off when the sensation lost it's thrill.  Sitting on my table I already had an ice cube, a pack of salt, and some garden dirt.  I was prepared for a sensory adventure.2

Long story short, I now have a lovely brand on my thigh.  It reminds me how I used to fit in, but like this heated key, I never will again.3

June 5th, 20044

Well I found out where my parents keep the liquor.  There's this weird false wall thing in the cupboard under the stairs, and it's absolutely full of all kinds of alcohol.  Good to know.  I took a couple random bottles and am now waiting to see if they notice.  If they do, I'll know.  But there's a lot of bottles, so I'm guessing they won't.5

I also bought a lock for my room.  It's one of those things with a slidey little piece that goes into a thing connected to the door jam ... kinda like they have for washroom stalls, but bigger.  Not the best thing ever, but pretty good.  It'll do, anyways.6

Gotta go see if I can get some cigarettes, I'm running out.7

June 7th, 20048

I took a few too many tylenols today I think.  Things hurt.  But not.  Hard to explain.  Sounds are weird.  I keep shaking.  But it's better than the boring pain of everyday life.  There's that bottle of rum right beside me, oh the temptation.  Will I resist?  Will I give in?  I guess I'll find out by where I wake up.  I don't think I'll remember this tomorrow.9

June 10th, 200410

I hate hospitals.  There is nothing I do not hate about this.  Every particle in my body is telling me to get the fuck out of here, but I can't, they'll just take me back.  I don't know even what happened, I just know I woke up in a hospital bed with about 5 million tubes and needles in me, and I had fresh 'strawberry gashes' on my arms.  Apparantly I did have the rum, and then someone found me and called 911.  Frankly I don't want to think about it.  But I do feel bad about the being found bit.  That's gotta have sucked for them.11

Oh, and now I have this creepy psychiatrist or psychologist or something that's gonna try to fix me.  Ok she's only creepy because I think shrinks ARE creepy, but still...I'm a bit freaked out.  I just need to figure which one it is, -chiatrist or -chologist.  Because psychiatrists can perscribe drugs, and if that's the case I won't complain.12

And there's the nurse.  Excuse me while I interrogate her.13

June 12th, 200414

No drugs.  Big suprise there but still...15

I have a mission: to see what I can steal from here.  Especially a blade.  I need a blade.16

If they decide I'm really screwed up enough they might perscribe me drugs but I have to 'want to change'.  Yeah, I can scam that.  A few tears, some empty words, and bingo.17

I have banned my parents from seeing me.  It's pretty cool that I can do that.  They are the last people I want to see.18

June 17th, 200419

They are talking in the living room with some strange man.  It's about me.  I can't hear through the door though.20

I'm 'home', and I have big bandages on my arms.  Actually they are pretty cool.  If I had friends I'd get them to sign the bandages like a cast.21

I think they're going to send me to some kind of institution.  I shoulda seen this coming.22

June something, 200423

Stabbed myself in the stomach with a swiss army knife today.  I threw up.  Disgusting.24

July 24th, 200425

This is her mother writing.  I found my daugther dead this morning.  I thought I should finish this up.  It was found beside her.  The front is now red from blod stains.26

I don't ... can't talk about what happened.  Maybe later.27