‘What is wrong?’ Randoms voice broke through the icy darkness and Trinity’s pale face appeared ghostly in gloom. Her big grey eyes darted around the room, searching for Random.
‘Nothing my Lord, what news brings you?’ Trinity kept feeling around in the dark, she was only new this different take on her life. One minute she would be able to see through the dark like it was daytime, the next she wouldn’t be able to even see her own hand.
But Random was different to her; Random was Sire to many of the attractive women in the clan. His handsome and sharp looks made this easier to comprehend, the way he could bring even the brightest of women like herself over to the dark side.
‘The news I bring happily to you my sweetheart is that you have been accepted as my new lady in the clan.’ Random appeared from the thick shadows and wrapped his arms around her petite waist, kissing her neck over the fresh puncture wounds.
Trinity shuttered at his touch, the way his teeth grazed across her neck before sinking in. Gasping and going weak in Randoms arms Trinity saw the room tip in her eyes as she sank to the ground. His strong arms supporting her, he whispered in her ear as the dim light blinked out.
‘Forever you will be mine my love; ours will be something to remember for many centuries to come.’ Random had Trinity gathered in his arms, he carried her through the darkened bedroom and went to the window. Shattering the windows outwards he jumped from the third floor balcony resting softly among the roses beneath the window.
The sounds of the guard dogs barking came to his ears from the distance; Random plucked a rose from the nearest bush and placed it in Trinity’s hands. Laying her amongst the rose bed he took hold of her neck and snapped it, this was would only render her useless. The deep purple liquid he poured in her mouth stop the beat of her heart, took all warmth and colour that may have resided from her body.
Bending over momentarily Random kissed Trinity softly on the lips before melding into the darkness.
Lady Roxanne sat in the pews of the church amongst the many other mourners of the village. The loss of Trinity, the only daughter and descendant of Lane had set a cloud of depression over Cross County.
As Trinity’s mother Lady Roxanne was too overcome by grief, she could not even stand unsupported or go to her daughter’s coffin at the front of the church amidst the candles and many crosses.
Trinity’s body would lay there for twenty four hours; there were many people that had looked up to Trinity and would need the chance to say their final goodbyes, so laying Trinity out for the village was the only necessary thing to be done.
* * *
The clan was in uproar, news had spread of the Lords selection for his new wife. His choice unexpected by everyone, even the women that would attend to the Lord for nightly for his needs.
Trinity was not of the Lords taste, she was petite and fragile with fair skin and wide eyes. Normally the Lord would go for more curvy and sure minded women. They would have dull cold eyes, not full wide grey ones.
Many of the clans women had protested against this but he had silences them. But he had not stood for it and silenced them immediately. Either they stood for it or would be banished.
And for the latter of their choice dealing was the smartest one, plus there would always be the chance they could take out the new blood out when she was sleeping in the day.
But still there was an uproar and Random was given a hard time when it came his time to leave and collect the body of his bride, stopped at every door he went through and every of the women he came to. None of the men were bothered, they didn’t care it only meant more of the women could be there’s.
The Lord would have his own personal one and would no longer need the assistance of other women.
‘The next person that disturbs me tries to stop me or other will find themselves a nice layout by the pool when the sun comes up!’ Randoms voice echoed through the mansion to every room and hallway.
All noise was cut off as the double oaken front doors slammed and echoed through the night, Random only took seconds to arrive at the church. It took a great deal of his courage and strength to enter in and confront the power of the Gods. The crosses were another thing all together.
‘My lady Trinity I come to wake you and take you home with me. Rise now and find yourself a happy bride to be.’ Random held a hand above her chest as Trinity’s eyes flickered open and did she rise.
There was such hunger and lust for blood in her eyes that Random pulled her up and fled into the darkness before she was tarnished by the powers of the Church. Out in the open she was beautiful against the full night moon.
The flowing black and red laced gown was amazing and clung to her tiny frame. The corset making her waist look far smaller then it was. Random liked this but, Trinity was his and he had her body to himself.
First things first but she needed to feed; taking her into the village proper he called a young woman from her home. Pulled her close to him and bent her head back by will and offered the pale skin to Trinity who fed greedily. Bleeding the woman dry before dropping her.
‘Good girl, now we must arrive back to the mansion. Your wedding dress awaits you.’ Random led Trinity back to the mansion.
Author notes
This isn't finished but I hope it is what was looking for.
A contest entry
- Vampires, Werewolves & Witches by Gbanger.
875 points, ended May 19, 2007, 13 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - GIVE ME SOME VAMPIRE STORIES!!!!! by Blackwings.
265 points, ended April 25, 2007, 8 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Random Options by Rini.
375 points, ended October 8, 2007, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - woo stories!!! by illegalfairy.
253 points, ended November 1, 2007, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - FANTASY!!!!! (Vampire/Werewolves/Witches & More!) by McrSAVEDmyLIFE.
410 points, ended April 4, 2008, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Vampire love by Reaver.
170 points, ended May 21, 2008, 3 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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This is a very good story, and I liked reading it a lot. Sorry in advanced for the huge comment, but I seriously hope it helps work out some of the small errors. I have a few suggestions for your story.
In the first paragraph, Randoms should be Random's, to show that it's a persons voice. When I first read that, I thought there were many random voices xD
In the second, what do you mean by "She was only new this different take on her life"? Is it supposed to be 'she only knew this different take on her life'?
Fifth, again Randoms should be Random's. Also, the "in her eyes" part of the sentence isn't needed. But if you want it, add a comma before and after that section.
In the next paragraph, put a comma between mine and my. Also, what does the 'ours' refer to? Their love? Mention that. In the sentence after that, the comma should be a period, with he capitalized. One more thing, in one sentence you say he walked towards the window, but in the next you say he shattered the windowS. Is there one window, or more? Decide and change whichever one is incorrect.
Hmm, in the next paragraph, my opinion would be to make the semicolon into a period. The two sentences don't really have anything to do with each other, so shouldn't be combined. Now, in the next sentence, you SHOULD change the comma to a semicolon. Stop should be stopped.
I think there should be a sort of break, such as more spaces or stars or something, between where Random disappears and where the POV is switched to Layd Roxanne. It would make things less confusing.
Lane should have a comma after. Trinity's mother should also has a comma. May I suggest you change the 'too' to 'so' before overcome, and get rid of the comma after grief. You can also add a comma after unsupported to make the flow of the sentence easier to read.
Two paragraphs later, add a comma after "His choice". Oh, and Lords should be Lord's, ditto for the following paragraph.
After 'taste' you might want to add a semicolon instead of a comma.
Next para, clans should be clan's. 'silences' should be silenced. The sentence "But he had not stood..." is unnessesary.
Next para, start the sentence with For instead of And. Also, that sentence doesn't make sense to me.
Next para, I suggest rewriting the last part like this: "None of the men were bothered. They didn't care; it only meant more of the women could be theirs."
Next paragraph, you need commas after me and the following me.
Next para, change the first comma to a period.
Did she would sound better as she did.
No comma after but, add a comma after his.
Next paragraph, remove the but. Add a "he" before Pulled. Instead of "will and offered" try "will, offering". Add a comma after Trinity. Change the period to a comma.
That was all I could find. Is this finished now? Or will there be more? If so, I can't wait to read it. This was a very interesting story, and I enjoyed it.
I hope this helped!
~Aura ♥
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First off, loved the name 'Random'. Creative. This story is a very good concept and was entertaining and hooking. You have many grammar issues that need fixed to help the flow: Such as run-on's and tense confusion. Sometimes you repeat yourself like in 3rd Para 2nd half, you write: 'Many of the clans women had protested against this but he had silences them. But he had not stood for it and silenced them immediately.'. you don't need the second sentence. You also on occation use 'add-words'. Example in 1st Para 2nd half. 'His choice unexpected by everyone, even the women that would attend to the Lord for nightly for his needs.' You have an extra 'for' in there.
Overall, this is a very intriguing story that i resonated well with. Good Job and i look forward to the continuation!!! ~D
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I like how it started with dialogue! I think that it sort of catches the reader off guard, which can not only be a good thing, but really fun to mess around with. I also like the names of your characters. Trinity, though it's not original, it's beautiful and it flows. Random, is just... well, it says it all and it's really cool. I love the interaction between the characters seems formal, yet personal. I think that establishing the mysteriousness and complexity of their relationship is what sets the tone for your entire piece. It seems as if Random truly love Trinity (I'm skeptical though!). Oh, nice touch with Trinity's Mother. It shows the contrast between the two worlds. I think that you should go over it once more and just add more events and emotion into this piece. As a writer, the pieces you create come from within you, so don't be afraid to let your emotions run through you, into you piece. Feel free to read one of my stories, okay? I'm not a perfect writer (at all), I leave things out, too. One thing I never leave out is emotion. Emotion is how the reader connects to you.
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This is a beautiful and sweet story, sorry if you werent trying to make it sweet but it was to me. You had me nearly falling over laughing at the "Nice layout by the pool when the sun comes up" part. I can picture Random turning around and shouting that, it was funny when I pictured it, funny and effective. I will reading more as soon as I can, if not sooner!
Blood♠Kissed -
This was really good. i will definately be reading the rest. This was very good. There were a few errors which rini has pointed out. Other than that this was a very good story and i cant wait to read the rest. thank you for entering into the contest.
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"this was would only render her useless." the was isn't needed.
"Many of the clans women had protested against this but he had silences them. But he had not stood for it and silenced them immediately." These two sentences are a little repetitive. Maybe change it to "Many of the clans women had protested against this but he had not stood for it and silenced them immediately." You also go on to say "Either they stood for it or would be banished." That sentence is also a bit repetitive so maybe change "stood for it" to accepted it.
"they could take out the new blood out when" take out one 'out'.
"women could be there’s" theirs.
"‘The next person that disturbs me tries to stop me or other will find themselves a nice layout by the pool when the sun comes up!’" It's a bit awkward. Maybe try "The next person that disturbs me or tries to stop me will find themselves... etc"
You seem to leave out or add extra words here and there. It would help if you read through it slowly to see if you missed something.
At the end she's in a black and red dress. For a vampire that sounds fine, but since she's supposedly at her funeral, it seems like maybe she should have a different dress on. Villagers are usually kind of religious so they usually dress their dead in white because they're going to be angels.
I liked the story overall, it's a good start to what sounds like a good adventure. Let me know when you have the next part up.
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I have to say, this was very well-written. I loved the names, Trinity and Random. Also, I loved the way Random took control of everything and everyone, his attitude stood out from the characters traits. There weren't many mistakes either, which made it easy to read and had a certain flow to it. Good job and good luck in the contest, thank you for entering.
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oh i liked this. im not usually into the whole 'olden days with clans and such but this turned out rather nicely. also the name random.... very cool, never heard that before.
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Hrm....
This is a very good start. I like the characters, and your descriptions are very good. I'd be interested to see this continued.
That said, I rarely have issues with grammar and punctuation... But for me, in this case, it actually wound up getting in the way. I was too busy focusing on minor mistakes to give your story the attention that it probably deserved.
Nice work, but in need of revisions. -
Very well done!!! I rele liked the story I just wish there was more detail. But good luck
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This was very good. I liked it a lot, but I wish you'd have given more background detail. I'm guessing that it is probably going to part one of many so I took that into consideration. Good job!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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I liked this story. It was creppy but suspenseful. I had fun reading it and i bet the judge of the contest will too. Good luck!
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"Ghostly in gloom..." It gives it a perfect mood in respective to the whole story.
"One minute she would be able to see through the dark like it was daytime, the next she wouldn’t be able to even see her own hand." Makes the character, Trinity seem more real and human, good work. It's hard to achieve this when working with vampires and such.
Random, a very random name, adds a bit of mystery because essentially random is the unexpected, therefore how can we know what to expect from this character? Excellent.
"They would have dull cold eyes, not full wide grey ones." Again, makes the character seem more real and sensual that although the women who usually attend to him are curvy and very womanly he picked someone petite.
"Many of the clans women had protested against this but he had silences them. But he had not stood for it and silenced them immediately." Repetition.
I like this very much, it is intriguing. I can't wait to read some more. The characters are powerful and have stubborn personality traits.
You are a fabulous writer and it shows in this piece or work. I think you will do well.
Thanks for entering and I hope you finish this soon. Good luck.
9.5/10 -
*Clapps*
This was great I love it, but theres one thing I dont quiet agree on and thats when Trinity drank the women dry. It's your decision but I recall from queen of the damned a vampier must not drink the very last drop. And thus you dont have to follow this for it IS your story and plus I dont remember what happens if they drink the last drop.But this was great and I cant wait to read more!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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This is very good, the descriptions are great. So well done, you should finish it and let me know when you are done.
Great Job.
Em
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