Bedtime Stories

The hot desert sands bake through Ahmed’s flesh

Sand invading his toes, while the sounds of the market veil him

A goat for some coal, twelve eggs for a sheep

The bartering that entails existence

Ahmed arrives home, and is greeted by cool water

And his child’s laugh, Ahmed smiles with the warmth of the sun

And puts Abdul to bed

Ahmed tells his son of Jesu, a poor carpenter with a difficult life

Each night, he creates a new adventure for Jesu, one that teaches the morals of kindness and bravery

Ahmed loves his son, and Abdul loves Jesu

So Ahmed continues to spin

And weave adventures

Years later, the son is eleven

And Ahmed knows he will die

And what of Jesu?

How will Ahmed end the story of a man who has had the most extraordinary life?

Jesu will give the ultimate sacrifice

He will die for his cause

Abdul will understand that.

The next day, Ahmed is executed

For his crimes against the Roman Empire

And Abdul decides that he will write the adventures of Jesu down.

Abdul had always loved Jesu….

And maybe, others will.

Author notes

Hey, you never know. It's possible...

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • Trinity Dragon
    April 15, 2007

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    Pretty good.

    First off, this is very well told. And thank you for being the first entry. Uh... Just a few question: Which hymn is this based off? And, if it is supposed to follow the rules, why is it not in the author's notes like I asked? You have twenty-four hours to respond.

    But, I will give you my opinion.

    Beginning: 4/5 A very discriptive beginning that sets up the story well, although I do not see this as being poetry.

    Ending: 3/5 It ended well, realistic like. But I think some detail of what Ahmed's crimes were would be in order. It sort of left me wondering.

    Characters: 4/5 Ahmed, the only real character you had, was written as if you knew him personally. He's quite a father figure, and a wise man for writing his stories down.

    Plot: 2/5 Although it was written as fiction, it had an air of theorization about it, as if that was the main purpose of the story rather than to entertain.

    Language: 4/5 Simple, direct, but vivid.

    Dialogue: 0/5 There was none. (Not necessarily a bad thing).

    Trinity Dragon (TD)


    • Xineph
      April 15, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Right. Sorry about that.

      It basically fits half of them, but I'm inspired by "That Old Rugged Cross". The image of that cross on a hill got me thinking of the first cross, the beginning of the story...

      I just wanted to do an interesting take on the story that everyone knew.

      Beginning: Good to hear.

      Ending: I tried to get through this with minimal description. Also, in those days, there's a chance he himself may not have known. I don't think they'd be very nice or fair about executing people.

      Characters: Yay!

      Plot: No, not really. Sorry if it came off that way. I'm well aware that it could be considered on the blasphemous side, but that really wasn't what I was going for. Just an idea I had floating around.

      Language: Cool.

      Dialogue: I don't think it was necessary.

      Thanks.


  • Delfishie
    April 15, 2007

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    neat

    More of a poem than a story, but very interesting nonetheless. It's a theory I've heard before, to be sure.

    Note of criticism:

    "Years later, the son is eleven
    And Ahmed knows he will die"

    The language here is a bit unclear. When you say "he will die" there isn't any indication whether or not you're referring to Ahmed or his son. Or were you being vague there on purpose?

    Very enjoyable piece. I like the folk-tale type language of it and I liked Ahmed as a character.

    Good job.


    • Xineph
      April 15, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks...

      I'll try and see how I can fix that around.


  • my--i u--k i
    April 9, 2007
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    interesting concept

    However, this didn't seem to have much plot. Thank you for entering my contest!

1 - 5 of 5