I knew it would happen. I was pregnant and my mother was going to kill me! It's bad enough that she drinks and screams at my father all the time but now she is going to find out about Paul and I. I've known Paul now for six months, I fell in love with him as soon as I saw him. It was October back then, nice and cool here in New York City. I was walking in Central Park and Paul had rounded a corner and we bumped into one another. As some say, 'Love at first sight' really happened, to me at least. From there we exchanged phone numbers and had been hanging out ever since.
Then that one night in late February it happened and now I'm having his child. When I told him Paul freaked out and left me. I had really thought he would step up to the plate. He told me he loved me but I just don't believe him anymore. If he really did he would have stayed and helped me with the baby. I was scared but I could not let him now it.
Now it's mid April and I had to get away, I took a bus from the city out to Pennsylvania. I used all of the hundred and fifty dollars I had saved up for the trip, but used it all just for the bus ride. I never knew the bus could be so expensive but then again I am only seventeen and never really left the state of New York. And when we did leave the city we would drive my parent's car.
So here I am, on Lincoln Drive with no money for myself or my child, for food or even to get an abortion. People were rushing by me trying to get out of the bus station to the main road. I was nervous and alone. I picked up the duffel bag I brought stuffed with cloths and other personal items and started towards a diner called, "Pinky's Mean n' Go". If worse comes to worse I'll get a job here, I thought. I stepped inside and I heard a bell ring.
A woman about the age of forty looks up from the magazine she's reading. She has curly black hair that went down to her shoulders and blue eyes. She is wearing a ratty old t-shirt and torn jeans, on her feet are brown icky sandals. "Can I help you?" she asked kindly, looking me up and down.
I try to smile but break down, crying. The woman comes out from behind the counter and hands me a paper towel. With her arm around my shoulders and leads me over to the bathroom. I wash of my face and blow my nose.
"I'm sorry." I looked into her eyes. "It's just I really need a job." The woman nods. She waits until I calm down a bit before she says anything. I took a few deep breaths trying to covence myself not to be worried and frightened.
"Well darling, it looks like your not from around here, you're not are you?" I nod my head in agreement, wondering what she was going to do. "Well then missy, tell me your name and I may just have a job for you." We are now back to the counter. "And I may have a place for you to stay but first I will need to contact your parents or guardians."
"My name is Amy Green. But you can't call my parents." My voice was high pitched. The woman gives me a look.
"Well, I'm Gina Hinal. Now why can't I call them?" Her voice was skeptic. Her hands are on her hips.
"Because," I pause trying to decide rather to tell the truth or lie. I decide to go with the truth, it can't get any worse then it already is. "I'm pregnant and they don't know. My boyfriend left me after I told him, and I don't have any money or food or anything!" I start to cry all over again. I felt like shit and could not control my emotion anymore, it seemed.
Again Gina waits until it's all out before she speaks. "Amy, I can give you a job, it won't pay much but, it is still a job. And I can let you stay with me, but I've got to call your folks!" Gina gave me a once over look and walked towards the phone.
I think it over, there is no way they can come and get me, it's almost Easter and the traffic in New York is nuts! So I agree to let her call them.
"Oh God, what are they going to say?" I ask myself as Gina picks up the phone and presses the numbers as I say them aloud.
Gina looked frustrated as she held the phone to her ear. Finally she just hung it up. "No one answered. Are you sure you gave me the right number?" Gina gave me the evil eye.
I rolled my eyes. "Yes, I gave you the right number!" I was angry she even thought I'd give her the wrong number. I dropped my bag to the old creaked wooden floor. It was getting heavier and heavier by the moment and I could not take it anymore.
"Alright." Was her only reply. Gina then gave me an application to fill out. I be gan to fill it out. I wrote my name, Amy Green and age Seventeen. I slowly filled in what my experiences were, which were not much. All I could really do was clean dishes and maybe serve some people. After filling everything out from my name to my address at home I handed it back to Gina. She glanced it over and nodded slowly.
"Ok, you're hired." She smiled as she handed me an apron from behind the counter. It was a light pink with a green border around and green deep pockets for change and paper orders.
"That quickly?" I asked, shocked. Gina laughed at the expression on my face.
"Well, I most likely would have hired you if you had left the paper blank." I gave her an odd look. "In other words, we are short on waitresses. So your hired!" She smiled her wide grin.
Gina began to explain my work hours and what to do if someone did not like their order. Then she told me that I could stay in her guest room.
"My house is right down the block from here." Gina pointed out the large bay window. "In fact, you can see it from here."
I turned and look. She was right. The house itself was a small two-story. The color painted on it was a light yellow and it looked charming, for a country house. Better then a cardboard box I suppose.
"Thanks. I am so glad I met you." I smiled. "When do you want me to start working?" I asked, looking around at the almost empty diner. There were two people total. A man and a woman - his wife I guess, were sitting at a booth drinking coffee and sharing an ice cream sundae.
Gina handed me a pad of paper and a pencil. "Right now." I laughed as no one else was there to order but I stood at the door waiting.
Later that night at around eight, Gina tried my parents but this time she got them.
"Hello? May I speak with a Mrs. or Mr. Green?" There was a pause. "Yes hi, my name is Gina Hinal. I just happened to meet your daughter today." Another pause. "She is here with me in Pennsylvania. Yes, she is fine." More talking by my parents. "I think she should stay here. I have a job for her in my diner and she will be staying in my guest room." A short pause this time. I held my breath. "Ok, thank you Mrs. Green. Good-bye." Gina hung up the phone and faced me with a straight face.
"Well, it looks like you have," she paused for what seemed him forever. "a job and a place t stay - for now." Her smile turned into a frown "However, they want to talk to you tomorrow. Call them at ten."
I let out a sigh of relief. "I am so happy they agreed." I said. Gina shook her head. "I'll call them and talk to them to reassure them."
"Well, not exactly. They only said you could stay here until the summer ends." She looked at my stomach, still flat but not for long. "I figured that by then I can convince them to let you go to school here, after the baby is born."
After nine-thirty we lock up the diner and start walking to Gina's house. Gina already told me her husband died in a car accident a few years ago and her only daughter was in Europe living with her boyfriend.
I settled in pretty quickly and soon fell asleep in the single bed in the guest room. Other the small bed it had a dresser and a small closet. It had a nice window I could look out of.
It's getting hotter her in Pennsylvania since it is now June. I've been here for two months and am now three months along. Gina had me go to her doctor and she examined me and said that the baby was healthy as long as I was eating right and exercising mildly.
Author notes
Edited 8-23 but not done yet
A contest entry
- Write My Story (another wacky contest) by Taylor Renee.
130 points, ended April 24, 2007, 5 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - SW Oscars - Best Story - Invite Only! by Asfand.
200 points, ended September 10, 2007, 5 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
I have now edited it but it is still not complete. Tell me what you think.
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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wow this is really good. i like it. its the first teen pregnancy story ive read, but it was really good. i hope you continue. reat job.
-LostSoul
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Thank you!
I have been so busy with school and have not had the chance to work on any of my stories but I hope to continue at one point soon.
<3
Mem
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I am so glad you like it!
Yea, I saw that movie a few years ago never thought to ompare it to that. Keep posted -
I must say that this is the first teenage pregnancy story I've read, and I loved it, I caught a few mistakes, but I still loved it.
It kind of reminds me of the film '15 and pregnant', with Kirsten Dunst.
I love Gina already...
I'm dying to know what happens next...!beginning: 5.
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Yay I got a good comment I will add whenever I get a chance, school just started so yea.....
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This was pretty good. I loved it! Curios to know what happens next, even if the h=ending wasn't really a cliffhanger! Awesome. Let me know when you add more!
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Congratulations for being nominated for this contest. Best of luck!
This story rang true with the raw simplicity of a young voice. It flowed well for the most part and the dialogue carried us through the story at just the right pace.
However, as yoshi97 rightly said, the story lacks the emotion that we expect from a young single mother and the woman who gives her a job and home. I was a bit sceptical at the fact that Gina needed very little convincing, although she lacked waitresses. Had your protagonist expressed more emotion (not neccessarily desperation, though) I think I would have bought it easily. Her parents, I felt, agreed a little too quickly, as well... I thought they might have wanted to talk to their daughter a little.
I would put her application form into the story through narration rather than insert the actual form. (e.g. I wrote my full name and age on the form: 'Amy Green, age seventeen.')
I thought your ending could be stronger, again through the expression of emotions - acceptance, perhaps, of her situation and Paul leaving her, gratitude, etc.
Good luck in the contest! -
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Thanks for the comment. I AM going to work on this as soon as I can find time, school just started up again and I have so many things happening but I'm going to edit this real soon(I hope). Thanks again
mem
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It seems like you a have a story in the making here!
As this is a Best Story competition, I am judging each story a little more critically than I normally would. I ask that you take no offense to this, as my intentions are to either reward your story for being the best, or to tell you how you could change it to make it one of the best.
As always, I will preface what I am about to say by telling you in all honesty that I will not give advice to anyone I think can not improve. I'm advising you, so you are most certainly capable of improving.
So, any notion you might get about not being good enough - brush that aside. A carpenter can't build a house without tools - regardless of his expertise. You are that carpenter, and you need a few tools so you can go out and build that mansion.
Okay, ya ready? Breathe in deep, relax, then I will show you what I will hand you a few tools ...
The first thing I noticed is this story reads like a journal. What I mean by that is this is a telling of events, without an abundance of emotion.
the best advice I can give any writer looking to improve is to *become* their characters and let us know how they feel. Don't tell us what they do - show us how they feel doing it.
Emotions drive a story forward, and the more emotions - the better. Yeah, I know, others disagree and call this melodrama. Well, the romance section at the bookstore is full of it. Why? Because it sells.
So, the first thing I would do is cook this story down and look for any chance you can find to show - not tell - us how your main character feels. Make us feel awful about her situation. Make us want to take this girl in and give her a home. Make us cry, as that's what us readers truly want to do.
Also, I do see some work needing to be done in the area of tense.
The story is mostly written in present tense - 'The woman gives me a look.'
But other parts are in past tense - 'Gina looked frustrated as she held the phone to her ear.'
My recommendation would be to go with past tense, as this is a retelling of events, and present tense stories don't tend to work well, unless you are writing something with a lot of action - and even then, it always sounds better in past tense.
The reason is obvious, as when we tell someone what happened, we are speaking of past events, and therefore, use past tense.
Also, we normally do not go around telling others what we are doing, as we do them, so present tense sounds odd to the ear.
That's why I recommend going strictly past tense.
I found some nits and had a few suggestions:
[I wash of my face and blow my nose.] --> I washed my face and blew my nose.
["It's just I really need a job."] --> "It's just, I really need a job."
Need a comma here, for emphasis
[Well darling, it looks like your not from around here, your not are you?"] --> Well darling, it looks like your not from around here. You're not, are you?"
["Well then missy, tell me your name and I may just have a job for you."] --> "Well then, missy, tell me your name and I may just have a job for you."
Needed an extra comma before missy
["Because," I pause trying to decide rather to tell the truth or lie.] --> "Because," I pause, trying to decide whether to tell the truth or lie.
[I decide to go with the truth, it can't get any worse then it already is.] --> I decide to go with the truth, as it can't get any worse then it already is.
["I'm pregnant and they don't know.] --> "I'm pregnant, and they don't know.
[My boyfriend left me after I told him, and I don't have any money or food or anything!"] --> My boyfriend left, after I told him, and I don't have any money or food or anything!"
'me' is inferred - uneeded word, and the sentence stands stronger without it
["Amy, I can give you a job, it won't pay much but it is still a job.] --> "Amy, I can give you a job. It won't pay much, but it is still a job.
[So I agree to let her call them.] --> So, I agree to let her call.
need to offset the word 'so' and them is inferred
[I ask myself as Gina picks up the phone and presses the numbers as I say them aloud.] --> I ask myself as Gina picks up the phone. She then presses the numbers, as I say them aloud.
["Alright." She her only reply] --> Alright," was her only reply.
[I can clean dishs and cook.] --> I can clean dishes and cook
[I turned and look.] --> I turned and looked.
[Better then a cardboard box I suppose.] --> Better then a cardboard box, I suppose.
[she paused for what seemed him forever] --> she paused for what seemed like forever
["I am so happy they agreed." I said] --> I am so happy they agreed," I said
[I figured that by then I can covence them to let you go to school here,] --> I figured that by then I can convince them to let you go to school here,
[It's getting hotter her in Pennsylvania since it is now June.] --> It's getting hotter here in Pennsylvania since it is now June.
[Gina had me go to her doctor and she examined me and said that the baby wa healthy as long as I was eating right and exercising mildly.] --> Gina had me go to her doctor. She examined me and said that the baby was healthy as would remain that way, so long as I ate right and exercised mildly.
Now, that looks like a lot to change - but guess what - it's no different than with my stories. There's always something that can be done better, and those willing to make things better will always learn and improve.
Remember what I said earlier. I believe in you. That's why I offered such a long review and many ideas to help. However, you ned to believe in yourself as well. Do that, and the stars are all within your reach!
Good luck in the contest!beginning: 2, language: 3, plot: 2, ending: 2, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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This must have been the logest comment, I've ever gotten but I must say one of the best on giving suggestions and advice. Thank you and I will change it today
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congrats on being nominated for best story!
Like Taken said, watch the spelling. Sometimes it's difficult to catch your own mistakes, so might I suggest you find some else to read and pick at your story? It'll really help your story, and give you more of an idea of what to look for in the future.
Once again, contratulations, and good luck with this contest. -
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Thank you. I'm going to have a friend look it over and help me out. Thanks again
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First, I would like to congradulate you on being nominated for best story. It is a great pleasure to read your story. I wish you luck in the contest.
I have some suggestions to help you improve your story.
Double check spelling. If you don't have a spell check on your computer, you can download open office (free program) it has one there.
Watch your tenses, you skip from past to present repeatedly.
Lastly watch paragraph structure and punctuation. Having too many ideas in one paragraph tends to distract from what we're reading and makes the story feel more rushed than is intended. Punctuation interrupts the flow of the story.
I liked the idea of this story a lot. It's one many young mothers can identify with. You give the character a realistic voice. The dialogue flows easily. Again, congrats and good luck -
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Thank you for reading my entry. If I had a choice, I wish it was not this story because I've written better (with spelling checked) but hey what can I do? lol.
I will look over this piece.
Thanks for the compliments too
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Yes, I think I will whgen I had finished writing this pat I got stuck as I do with some stories and as everyone does too. I saw that movie! lol
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I like this, since I'm a sucker for tales of women who find a kind stranger. kinda like the movie "the wallmart baby" are you going to continue this?
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Thank you so much! I've been writing since like elementary school. So glad you like it.
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Your very good at writing, you dont leave details out and things seem to fit together nicely. Its a beautiful story.
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Thanks! Yea, I should go back and edit but thanks for the comment
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good story
there where some mispells and grammar issues but iver all the story was great. the everyday crisis and young teens and their kids is shocking, going though it is another story. great job and good luck on the contest!
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Thank you again! Well I added even more as you read. So keep going!
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YAY! now its even better!!! NEED MORE!!! this is really realy good write more!! lol great!
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Thanks Tay! I'm glad you like it. And YES I think I will. Maybe on another page or just on the same as this one. I'll keep you posted.
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this was so much better than mine!!! its so much more clear and i like the writing a lot. great job. im glad you wrote it, you should continue with it. are you going to? great job!!!
Tay
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