Here's to you...

CHAPTER ONE: PARADISE BEACH

"Are we there yet?" my little sister Leiah cries. She has our dog, a sleeping Misty on her lap. My mom sighs, turns around and smiles a platonic smile. "Almost, sweets."

I scowl and turn towards the window, pretending I'm interested in the dying, fading yellow grasses rolling past the window.

"Cheer up, Amber," my mom says as she notices my scowl, "it's not going to be THAT bad."

I turn to her. "THAT bad? Mom, I DON'T want to spend four weeks in a little dead town with a grandma I only found out even EXISTED a few days ago. This is the last place I want to spend my summer!"

My mom sighs now. I notice that she has a few wrinkles around her eyes. But she's still beautiful, even though she'll be thirty three in two weeks. "Amber, look. I know we were going to go on a cruise theses holidays. I KNOW. But look, you know that your dad "forgot" to send us the money. And it's important to me. I haven't seen my mother since I was fifteen! That's a long time. I'm sorry."

My mom's sentence's were broken. A sure sign she dropped out of school at sixteen to have me. I fold my arms across my chest and pout. "Alright, I'll be happy. For your sake and your sake only."

She smiles now, annoyingly. "Thanks, I owe you!"

So this is me. I'm sixteen and my name is Amber-Rose. I'm a child of a single mother and its just the three of us. Me, mom and my half-sister Leiah, who is nine. Well, four of us if you count our chocolate brown and white long haired I-don't-know dog, Misty. We bought her at the animal welfare.

My mom has dark hair and so does Leiah. But my hair is light, almost golden but rich and VERY curly, and I've got green catlike eyes. My mom says I take after my dad.

I hope not.

"We're here!" yells my mom after about twenty minutes. Misty perks up her head and looks out the window of our Volkswagen Bug.

"At least you enthusiastic, Mists," my mom says as though to rub it in. I merely open the window and breathe in the fresh air.

"The sea, the sea! Yay!" says Leiah.

We drive through the beginning of this small town. "Are there any shops here?" I ask Mom.

"I think there is a little convinience store," my mom says a little absent mindedly.

"Look!" I say, spotting a little clothes store called "Sweet Nothings".

We take the first right into a gravel road. I notice some old ladies walking around with little poodles on leashes.

"Oh, brother," I whisper under my breathe. We pull up in front of a white house similiar to the one next to it. I rush out in desperate need of seeking a toilet.

A vibrant, stylish looking woman with dark auburn locks steps out of the door and holds out her hands.

"Welcome to Paradise Beach," she says enthusiastically.

"Grandma?" I say, breaking my mom and Leiah's silence.

"Oh please, don't call me grandma. I'll feel old. Please, call me Rose."

"Rose?" I ask.

"Yes, why?"

"Amber's full name is Amber-Rose," my mom breaks in.

"Oh, how delightful," 'grandma' almost squels.

Leiah comes out from around the side. "Hi!"

"Hi, sweetheart," Rose straightens now. "Why don't you all come in? A bit of a chill has crept in."

So we grab our bags and walk in. I expected a run-down, cheap affair, but the entrance room (which doubles as a lounge and joined kitchen) is actually rather modern and all the utilities are new silver and there is modern furnishings.

"I'll show you your rooms."

We all follow her down a brightly light passage (thanks to a skylight), and she turns right first.

"This is the girls room," she explains. I notice two white-washed single beds with fresh, bright linen. The room is beige, sky blue and crisp white. Very modern with down lights and minimal furnishings. An en-suite bathroom with a shower, toilet and basin follows. The bathroom takes my breath away.

"This is my pride and joy," she announces once she has given us a full minute to bask in its glory. She has mosaic tiles all over the walls, a brilliant, sea blue. The roof is glass, bringing a setting-sun light onto the tiles, illuminating the entire room. "I did it myself," she adds.

"Wow," I pop out.

Me and Leiah settle down our bags and Rose and mom head out to find mom her room.

"I never knew Gran was rich," Leiah said once she was sure they were out of earshot.

"Me neither. It makes me wonder why we have been living like poor people our whole lives. Why can't we live here?"

As soon as I say that, I regret it. Only three hundred people live in this town. Dead Town is what I used to fondly call it. It would be crazy to live here. I'd go insane.

Leiah settles down Misty's small dog-bed besides hers and I head out to the kitchen. Mom and Rose are standing admiring some artwork of Mom's cousin or something.

"Mind if I go to the beach?" I ask.

"Sure," says Rose.

I invite Leiah but she insists she must finish her book. So I take Misty instead. She can hardly refuse.

I open the large bay door in the sitting lounge/kitchen which opens onto a dune. I walk myself and Misty down and I'm right on the beach.

It strikes me odd that if Mom and Rose got on so well, why didn't they keep it touch? In all fairness, Grandma's (I'll call her that in the privacy of my own mind) smile is a little stiff. But still, why were they hostile to each other for so long? No phone calls. No letters. No birthday cards and certainly no visits.

For a second I think about my boyfriend, Greg. We've been going out for a year and he is really a sweetheart...but thinks are starting to go stale there too.

Just as I'm thinking this a cute, big brown dog knocks into me and pushes me onto the sand.

"I'm sorry," pops out a cute boy with really curly long blond hair. "She doesn't usually do that.

"Yeah, well, I am special." I grin.

He laughs. "I'm Justin."

"Amber." I smile.

"Nice to meet you."

"Likewise."

I smile, thinking maybe four weeks won't be so bad here after all.

I was pretty stunned. I've never seen somebody with hair that resembled mine, let alone MIRRORED it. Of course, mine is dark and his is light.

Now, if I was any normal, red-blooded girl, I'd fall all over Justin and go ga-ga over him. But then, I'm NOT normal. I've seen first hand what happens to relationships, and how quickly they go stale.

"I, uh, got to go," I smile, "We're eating dinner any moment now."

Justin frowns, "At five?"

"Yeah well,uh, I've got a little sister. She likes eating early."

"Okay," he returns a killer smile, "I'll see ya round?"

I muster a smile. "Maybe."

He grabs a surfboard, most likely his, and calls his dog. I pick up Misty (which is pretty hard these days) and walk back over the dune and head out back to the house.

"There you are," my mom says as soon as I walk into the house. Her voice is a bit stiff but I manage to smile back and walk towards the kitchen counter.

"Need some help, Rose?" I smile.

"No thanks, Amber. The tables all set already and I just have to wait for the veggies to boil." She smiles and my mom glares at her.

"Okay, call me if you need help."

"Rose!" Leiah calls in a sweet voice I've never heard her use.

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"Can I help you make pudding?"

Rose smiles, "Of course. Why don't we make apple pie? Amber can help too."

I grunt now and take Misty back to our room. I collapse on my bed and force Jusitn out of my head and my heart- right now, before it's too late. I won't go outside if I even see him there- I CAN'T. Bad boys, bad boys.

Sometime later my mom calls me for dinner. I shake my head, feeling foggy and it takes me a few seconds to remember where I am. Did I fall asleep?

Grandma-Rose seems awfully fickle. Nice one second, grouchy the other. It's like she's on a balancing beam or something.

"How was the beach?" Rose asks in her sugary voice again. Boy, she would make a great actress.

"Uh, okay I guess."

"You'll love it in late summer. It's great. The sun sets over the ocean, and the whole world is rosy, a deep pink and burnt orange."

I smile, and the silence carries on through supper.

"You know," my mom starts, "this really feels like home. Just like the old days when the only sounds at supper was the sound of forks. Or sometimes, most times, your and dad's voices yelling. Feels like home."

I stare, aghast at how rude my mom sounds. "Mom! Why you being so snippy?"

Rose smiles at me thankfully.

"Don't worry, Amber, dear. I can take it."

"Yes you do, don't you, Mom? You just sit as though no words ever affect you. You don't feel. You have no feelings about the people around you. You were never there for me! When I needed you most, when I was so alone and so worried about the baby-"

"Franka-" Rose cut in.

Mom stood from the table and got up. "Is this why you invited us here? So torment us?"

She paced the room twice before saying, "Come girls, let's leave."

I stand now, and Rose looks scared. "No, mom," I start. "We've come all the way here in a hot car with NO aircon so that you can see your mother. You might not get another chance, who knows, so make the most of it, okay? I'm staying. You go if you want."

"I'm staying too," said Leiah.

My mom glares at us, grabs her handbag and rushes outside. Maybe to have a smoke, I don't know. But then we hear her car starting and I wonder why I sprang to Rose's defence. Maybe it was because she looked so sad, so helpless and so remorseful sitting there.

"Thanks for the great supper, Grandma." I say before I realise I called her 'grandma'. But she doesn't protest this time.

~*~

Mom finally came home. It was around midnight, and Rose and Leiah had already turned in for the night. I'd picked up a fat paperback, The Cats Back Out of the Hat Again, and was a good fifty pages into the novel when the front door opened. Mom was swaying a little.

It didn't take her long to find the local pub.

"A-m-m-ber shweetie."

I sigh. This happens so often it's like child's play now. Mom drinks herself into a stupor, comes home and I wash her up, open her bed and kiss her goodnight. And make sure Leiah doesn't see Mom in her drunken state. "Mom? Where were you?"

"Just making friends with the shexy townsfolk. Shut up, Amber. Stop being the freaking mom around here!"

I put down my intriguing politcal novel and take mom's hand.

"Let's take you to your room, Mom." I literally drag her down the hallways, silencing her when she comments on some totally lame ornament. I switch on the light and open her bed. Mom drops onto it and I drop down to my knee's. I take off her necklaces and hippie-rings, and pull off her shoes. I gently pull the blanket up and kiss her on her forehead. "Goodnight, Mom. I love you."

Mom's eyes open now. Tears glisten in the corners of her eyes, and her faces darkens. "I'm sorry, Amber. I'm such a lousy mom."

I shake my head. "You're doing the best you can."

With that I turn and walk towards the door frame. Rose is standing in the corridor, in her pastel pink nightgown. She frowns now, but her eyes are sad and her face looks hopeless. "You're a good girl, Amber. Your mom is lucky to have you."

Now MY eyes mist. "You're most likely the only person to say that to me."

"Is she doing okay, your mom?" her face is clouded with concern.

"She's a mess," I sigh, "She's trying. She works six days a week as a waitress and drinks most nights. Not a lot, not like drunk a lot. She cries at night too. Her boyfriend, her ex, broke up with her a month or so ago. They were going out for like, six months. Which is long for mom, you know."

Rose's face looks anguished. "And does she have a boyfriend now?"

"Nope. She had a guy, some guy she said was her childhood friend. He came around everyday for like, four days. He phoned her up one day."

"Oh. That must be Ben, huh?"

"Yeah," I smile now, "really boyish looking."

"Yes. His mother was my friend. Used to live in our neighbourhood."

I yawn now. "Cool. He left though. A few days before you called."

"Amber," she starts, "I don't know what your mom told you about us. But your father and her loved her very much. She was a special only child. I didn't know where you guys lived until a couple of months ago when your mom called, drunk. And then you grandpa passed away from that awful heart attack and I know it's a lousy excuse but-"

"Rose, as I told my mom, you did what you could under the circumstances."

I smile and walk towards my room. "Goodnight, Rose."

"Goodnight, Amber."

~*~

Morning held more promise than the night before. Breakfast was quiet. Mom was quiet because she was hung over, Leiah was being her usual quiet self, Rose was quiet because she was scared of being out of line, and I was nervous for what might happen.

"Beautiful day," my mom started, "maybe I should spend it at the beach."

Rose smiled. "What a fantastic idea. Weather this beautiful doesn't come around every day, you know. I've got to run down to Harrysmith to go to the grocer so we can eat tonight but I'll pack you a picnic basket to take with if you'd like."

Mom smiled her stiff smile. "Thanks mom, that would be nice."

"And," Rose said, "don't be shy if you want to go out for the night. I realise that you might think this town dead, but theres a few jaunts for exspecially the matured people. I'd be more than happy to watch Amber and Leiah for you."

Mom grinned. "Great. How about tonight?"

"Of course, on the condition you only allowed to have three drinks maximum, okay?"

Mom glared at her but nodded. "We need to get you a bikini, Amber."

Cleary changing the subject, but to a sore one. Mom knows about my...This time I do the glaring. Rose notices.

"Want to come with, Amber? We can pick up a tart for after dinner."

I hesitate. The beach sounded tempting but time with mom sounded repulsive.

"Sure," I say, "let me just go brush my teeth."

"Amber," my mom calls, "do you think you could look for some tanning lotion for me?"

I ignore her.

~*~

By the time me and Rose are in her safe Volvo wagon (with aircon) she relaxes and turns on the radio. We've all been a bit stiff.

I smile to myself silently. But Rose still notices. She notices EVERYTHING. She's so tuned into everyone's feelings.

"What you smiling at?"

"Well. It's slightly ironic that I'm spending my summer in Paradise Beach with my gran, who I didn't even know was alive until a few weeks ago, driving in an airconned car. You know, I'd never thought."

Rose chuckles. She's more like an aunt than a gran. Well I suppose she is only 54. Not really old for a gran.

Rose grows serious. "Seriously, Amber. Why the sudden silence when your mom mentions bikini's? Teenage girl's love bikini's, don't they?"

I turn to the window. "It's a touchy subject- and my mom know's it. When I was litte-"

"did your father hurt you? Or one of your mom's boyfriends?" she cuts in. I told you, she's know's EVERYTHING.

"One of her boyfriends," I whisper, "he was drunk and angry at mom for looking at another guy. And then I came to mom's defence when he tried to hurt her and he hit me with his belt on my back. The cut scarred pretty badly."

"Oh, Amber. I'm sorry. I hope your mom got rid of him."

I shake my head. "Not for another six weeks. Our neighbour in our block of flats complained that Ron was loud and foul-mouthed. The landlord threatened to evict us unless mom got rid of him."

Rose shook her head but she didn't say anything. Only once we were in the shopping centre did she speak, but that was only "Do you like Coke?" and grabbed two two litre bottles from the shelf. Just as we were exiting with a lot of exciting, fancy food Rose smiled.

"You like tankini's?"

"Huh?" I asked. Yes, I was confused.

"You know. It's like a one-piece costume but it's a two piece. Stylisher than a one-piece but not as revealing as a bikini. Theres a clothes shop over there. Want to try look?"

I was shy, but I knew I didn't have a costume to swim in back home. And I loved swimming. I was a water baby.

"Sure. Why not?"

"Yeah," starts 'grandma', "why not?"

So I follow Super-Granny into this hip little surf shop that mainly sell's board and surf-clothes. A few costumes are hung on the rack but none of Rose's so called 'tankini's'.

"Oh, well," I sigh. "Perhaps it's a sign."

"Nonsense," says Rose. "We will try the surf shop in Paradise Beach."

And so I find myself hopping back into her car. We drive the short fifteen minutes to Paradise Beach and Rose parks by Sweet Nothings.

I walk inside the brightly lit shop and look around. There is a LOT of costumes here. I smile sweetly so myself as I pick up what must be a 'tankini', they are not popular where I live! Everybody want's to show as much skin as possible. Besides, tankini's probably don't give you a very nice tan!

"Can I help?" asks a sales assistant.

"Oh, hello, Justin!" my gran smiles and I turn around.

"Hello, Aunt Rose," he smiles back a big smile.

Rose turns to me now. "Have you met my granddaughter, Amber?"

Justin laughs. "As a matter of fact, I have."

"Marvelous. Now lets find Amber a costume, okay?"

So we set to work trying to find the 'perfect' costume, and in the end we do! It's this deep wine red colour but in this funky cut and it look's rather nice.

"It looks great with your long, trim figure." Was what my grandma said. Rose spoils me with bunches of new clothes.

"Thanks, grandma." I say when we decide that we have enough. We even picked up a few things for Leiah.

"Hey, it's not everyday I get to spoil my grandchildren, right?"

"How you doing, Amber?" Justin asks. My gran has gone off to try on a pair of pretty, light, pants.

"I'm doing okay, and yourself? Do you work here?"

"Yeah, I do. I live about a two hour drive from here. It was a rough year and all. We have a house up here, so I thought I'd spend the summer here."

"Rough?" I scrunch up my nose. What was possibly rough enough to make someone WANT to be here?

"Uh, yeah," he pauses as though he is trying to decide if he should devulge any more info. "I never thought my junior year would be busy."

"So you going to be a senior then?"

"Yeah, and you?"

"I'll be a senior this year.But I'm only turning 17"

"Cool."

"Yeah, so how do you know my grandma?" I ask.

"She's lived here long before we got a house here. I've seen her almost everytime my family comes down here for a holiday."

"Cool. Must be nice. Your whole family down?"

"Ya. My mom and dad and my sister May. We staying here for four or three weeks."

"Awesome. I've got a half sister. Her name is Leiah."

"That's an unusual name. Lay-ah. Differant but cool."

"Yeah. So you surf a lot?"

"Surfing is my life. Well surfing and God."

"Cool. My gran's pretty religious."

"I know, I've seen her at the little church here a couple times. She plays the piano in the worship band."

"Serious?" I say.

"Yeah. Do you visit your gran alot?"

I shake my head. "I didn't even know she was alive until a month ago. My mom and her had a big fight when my mom was in high school. They never saw each other again," I whisper.

"Oh, that's a pity. She's really nice. You two act as though you are pretty close."

"We do?" I say, "I'm surprise. But we do get on well."

"Cool."

"I think I'm going to get these pants. And I found the lotion your mother wanted, Amber," my gran says as she appears from the change room.

"Cool," I nod.

Justin announces the total. My eyebrows fly up but Rose doesn't even bat an eyelid. She simply takes out her cash card and Justin swipes it.

"Thanks," I say as I pick up the two bags.

"It's my pleasure. I'll see you around, Amber. And you too, Rose. Maybe at church?"

"Sure thing, Justin." Rose starts walking towards the car.

"Such a nice boy," she says as soon we are in the car.

I'm inclined to agree.

~*~

When we come back, the house is empty. A lavender Post-It is stuck on the fridge, "At the beach, join us if you want," was written in my mom's messy scrawl.

"I've got my Bingo rounds with afternoon. A little thing I run for the elderly around here. It's not really a job but it keeps me busy. Do you think your mom will mind if I go?" Gran asks.

I shake my head. "Not at all. Mom is just happy to laze on the beach all day- she's a total bum, you know."

"She wasn't always like that," says Rose wistfully. "She was a hard worker in High School. She came first in her grade for her freshmen year and second in grade ten."

"Really? What happened?" Although I knew.

"Well she, uh, got pregnant."

Of course. Me. The Big Inconvinience

~*~

I never joined my mom at the beach. Nor did Rose. She tidied the kitchen and I went and worked on my artwork. Most people don't know that I'm an aspiring artist. Painting and drawing and being creative is doing what I do best. I can spend hours drawing in silence. I don't mind silence- in fact, I crave it. Just those few, rare moments when my brain can breathe and my heart can think, process and analyze situations and scenarios. Where I can relax and let my hair down and don't have to worry about mom falling off her wagon again-and worse yet, taking me and Leiah down with her.

So for three glorious hours this afternoon I just worked on my art. Finally mom and Leiah returned but by then Rose had gone out. My humphed and went to her room with a Panado and a glass of water, pretending to be sleeping but I bet she's working on a sexy outfit to wear out tonight-hey, I know how my mom's mind works.

~*~

I finish up my artwork (I'm working on a picture titled "Freedom!",)its for a competition I'm hoping to win, weird I know but this is the topic and you can either stick it or stuff it, and I choose to stick, thank you very much. I decide to go hang down at the beach, since it's nearly five now. The sun will be cooler and the beach a lot quieter-perfect to just relax and think.

I walk across the soft, warm sand until I find a nice spot infront of the surf spot. I cross my legs and sit there, basking in the sunshine, most likely looking crazy but I'll bet I'm more in touch with my sanity than most people.

"Mind if I join you?" says a now familiar voice.

"Hey, Justin," I force out. "Help yourself."

He is wearing a wetsuit and has his surfboard under his arm. Obviously on his way to a surf.

"How you doing?" I ask him.

He smiles. "I'm holding up, thanks."

I peer at him sceptically. "Holding up?"

"Yeah. My friend..." his voice trails off and his eyes mist over.

"Is she okay?" I ask, thinking she may be dead or in hospital.

He shrugs his shoulders. "I don't know. She lives in Bloomington now. She moved there three months ago."

"I'm sorry. Was she your...girlfriend?"

Justin laughs. "I wish. We were close, but Grace had a lot of problems. She had a traumatic life. She was-"

"It's okay. You don't have to tell me," I whisper.

Now he shakes his head. "No, it's okay. She was illegally adopted and held kidnapped for fifteen years. Then she escaped and stuff and then she lived with my best friend for three months during court trials and we were really close. But we were never more. Once we were, but she was hurting. It didn't mean as much to her as it did to me."

"Well if it makes you feel any better, I've got some sad stories about my life too. Nothing as major as being kidnapped your whole life-which is really sad- but..."

Justin laughs now. But not spitefully. Tenderly and softly. "Seems I have a thing for troubled girls..."

I blush.

"In fact," I continue. "My whole family is messed up. My dad was a druggie and my mom is an alcoholic and my sister has ADD and I'm stuck somewhere in the middle between playing daughter and being the mom in the home. Especially since I've had to get a job since my mom can't hold down a steady one..." now MY voice trails off, and my eyes fill with tears. I turn my head and pretend to look at the surf. I don't want Justin to see me cry.

Justin smiled at her. Her life story wasn't as dramatic or scary as Grace's, but in some ways it was sadder. She was a victim of circumstances and she was shoved into the real world, whereas Grace was shut off from the real world.

Justin seemed content to be silent so I stayed silent too. My tears and I lightened up-my life was my life. Welcome to it.

"And your dad...?" he finally says, breaking the silence.

"He died a couple of years ago in a car accident. He was high and drunk and slammed into another car. Killed a girl my age and nearly killed the guy in the passenger seat." I say.

Justin sighs as if he's heard it all before. In a way maybe he had.

"Was she pretty?" I ask Justin.

He seems to catch who I'm talking about. "Like an angel."

"You know, you remind me of Grace in some ways." He adds.

"I do?" I try to conceal my shock.

"Yeah, you've had this terribly tough life yet you have this tenacity and undeniable hope that you hold onto, that maybe, one day, you'll wake up and all your problems would have dissolved. You hold onto hope, even if it's only threadbare, and hope and pray that tomorrow or maybe one day, your problems won't really matter anymore."

Wow.

I sat speechless.

This guy really looked below the surface.

"I don't really pray, but I'm going to go to a Christian Art college." I smile.

"You are?" he looked amazed.

"Yeah. My mom's an atheist-convinced if there IS a God He doesn't give a stuff about our family. But I got this scholorship to attend this school for free and my mom didn't object since she couldn't afford anything else."

"Well, maybe you not so much like Grace after all then. She didn't really like the idea of religion. God felt far away to her, you know? She listened about Him and stuff, but she saw it as penance for her freedom. It was pretty sad."

"I can imagine," I say.

"I used to be totally closed to religion. I was a total loner in my freshman year of high school. I blamed God for the death of my best friend and every bad thing that was going on this world. But then I reached rock bottom and I stayed there-it felt like I was drowning and that there was no hope. My life was this big, black pit.But then I realised I need God. I need a captain of my boat. I needed wind in my sails. And since then, He's become my best friend. He never lets me down, and He NEVER leaves me. He loves me for who I am and is always there. I only now realise the importance of having God in your life."

I nod as if this makes perfect sense. But the truth is, it felt as though he was speaking about me, hitting rock bottom and never leaving. The scars on my wrist testify to that. I was always the tough girl. I carried my weight in the family and I carried over and above that. I took the role as mother, sister, provider and best friend. But in the process I lost myself. I lost contact with reality. My feelings didn't matter anymore.All that mattered was getting by.

I was always so tough, but now my eyes filled with tears and my heart feels burdened. It's like suddenly are the tormenting memories of the past are coming back-in full force like slap after slap in the face. The years of rejection and little self worth. The hopelessness and the sorrow. The years of being by myself for so long and that feeling of just being so totally lonely. The long, aching loneliness inside of me that growls it's head like a monster.

"Will you help me?" I ask before I think.

"With what?" he asks with a clear, innocent expression.

"Give my heart to God."

~*~

Justin blinked as though he was slightly confused, but he nodded and took my hand. Not romantically, more friend-like.

And then I did it. I gave the one thing I had left, the one thing I had to offer.

And then I opened my eyes and Justin through his arms around me.

"You will never ever regret your decision, Amber. Believe me, and times you may doubt it, but God will remain true and constant."

I'm still crying but inside I'm thinking, "What have I done?" and "There's no turning back, uh-oh!"

But then I feel calm. Okay-maybe it's because I've got this incredibally cool guy with his arms around me- but the sensible, wise part of myself is shaking it's head, saying that this is not just me and a boy, that this is more, something lasting, so forever.

Hope.

"You know what they say about knowing the Truth, hey?" Justin asks.

"No...what?"

"That is sets you free."

Suddenly I get an inspiration. My picture...on freedom. I get this idea of a rusty, wooden cross with chains around it. But sort of chains that are breaking, you know? I jump up, while the inspiration is fresh and clear.

"Justin, I've got to go. I've got a great idea! It's for my art thing..."

"Hey, it's okay," he says. "I'll see you around then..."

Before I can stop myself I say, "Do you want to come to dinner? In like...two hours?"

"Sure," he says not hesitating.

"See you there then!" I say as I head towards my "home". I open the back door and find an empty home.

"Hello?" I call out.

"Hey," calls Rose as she enters the kitchen/lounge thing.

"Where is everybody?" I ask her.

"Your mom is showering, getting ready to go out and Leiah is playing with the neighbours kids. I never knew they were her age. She's staying there tonight, so I guess I thought I'd go out to the centre and play bingo with Bernie. Since your mother is going out, that is. But what about you? I forgot you wouldn't have plans!"

"Don't worry, Rose," I say to her. "I'm going to work on my art tonight." Okay. A slight lie but...

"Oh, okay dear. Whatever you want. There is a pizza cooking in the oven and Coke in the fridge. I'm going to go bath."

I nod and smile, heading towards my room. I place myself at the desk at pull out my acrylics. I strangely don't even do the preparatory, I just go straight ahead and draw, draw, draw. The next time I look at the clock is when my hand starts to ache and my throat feels dry. It's only 6:47pm. I realise I've only been working for a little over an hour.

Just then my Gran sticks her head in the door.

"I'm off now," she says smiling. "Your mom left about ten minutes ago and Leiah is definately staying at the neighbours. You sure you're going to be okay?"

I nod and smile, once again. But Rose walks over to the desk and looks at what I'm working on.

"That's beautiful," she whispers. "Does your mom know you can draw? And...this?"

I know what's she's getting at. Does my mom know that the cross means something extraordinary to me. I shake my head.

"No...and I'm scared to tell her, Gran." I say before I can think.

But she doesn't notice. She closes her eyes in a pained expression and smiles, and for the first time she looks her age...and I like it. It's comforting.

"Don't worry about me, Rose. I'll be fine."

"We'll talk about this when I get home," she says as she walks towards the door. Then when she reaches the doorjamb she turns and smiles.

"Oh, and Amber?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm really proud of you."

Only when I hear her walk away do I let a runaway tear slide down my cheek. I walk calmy to my mom's bathroom and look at my frightening reflection in the mirror. But something strange is on my face. It's this look of wonder and happiness...of hope. Something I haven't seem in a long, long time.

I pick up my mom's mascara and dab it on my eyelashes. A little eyeliner and some brown eyeshadow and I'm ready to go.

I slowly walk back to my room, pausing at the closet before sitting down. I slide on my casual jeans and an Element skate hoodie. Not your typical girly outfit but it's comfy and warm...all I need.

I lower myself onto my desk chair and soon I am lost in my own world again...thinking of how messed up my life really is. And how it really depends on me if I want to change it. And as my thought whirl around above me, a small piece of my heart dies. It shrivels up and falls onto the garden floor of my heart. The piece that died...was the piece of blackness that used to hang over me like a cloud, the piece of a lifetime of rejection.

~*~

I shriek when I feel something-or somebody-touch my shoulder. I whirl around to find Justin standing there with a perplexed look on his face.

"I'm sorry to startle you," he says.

"I'm so sorry! What's the time?" I suddenly panic, how late was it?

"It's uh..." he looks down at his watch. "It's 8.05pm"

"I'm so sorry...I got lost in time," I apologise.

Justin waves his hand. "Hey, don't worry about it."

His gaze falls on my picture.

"It's really bad. I've been rushing."

But Justin ignores me and walks over to the desk. Reverantly he picks up the piece of white cardboard and his eyes scan over the picture.

"You drew this?" he whispers. I nod.

Justin turns somber then. Maybe he's scared to hurt my feelings and tell me it sucks. That is probably the case.

I walk towards the kitchen and see the pizza on the counter as well as the Coke and a glass.

"What's wrong?" I finally ask.

Justin hesitates before he says, "Well it's kind of strange. I ministered to Grace for four months and she wouldn't budge...I speak to you once and you're so moved you draw a picture as beautiful as that one...it just doesn't make sense."

"I think," I start and then stop and then think a bit. "I think it was because my heart was ready. I was fed up with what I had and when I saw what you had...I wanted to grab it with both hands."

Justin smiles. "I guess that makes sense. Grace had a lot of stuff to sort out in her life still."

"Yeah...so tell me about this Grace."

Justin proceeds to tell me about this perfect, beautiful Grace for the next twenty minutes. I smile at appropriate times but its hard when a cool guy is talking about how much he likes this other girl. So I decide to lay my cards on the table too.

"Well I have a boyfriend too," I say smiling. "He's going to be a senior this year at this private school. We've been going together for nearly a year now. Greg."

Justin smiles. "That's pretty cool, hey."

We grab some pizza and sit down in front of the television, watching MTV.

So there you have it. Two friends, a guy and a girl, both completely in love with two completely differant people. But for tonight, I'll forget Greg and focus on Justin. Because he loves God and now so do I...

~*~

MTV only keeps one entertained for so long. After a while I start fidgeting and Justin looks ever so slightly bored- so I have to spring for a conversation starter- and fast! But luckily Justin cuts me to it and says, "Want to go walk on the beach?"

"Sure," I reply back, eager to get out of this stuffy room.

As soon as my bare feet reach the cool sand I relax. After all I barely know this guy...and after the few weeks here I'll probably never see him again. So why should I act all shy and pretend like I care about what he thinks of me. Do I?

We walk in comfortable silence for about ten minutes, until Justin starts talking about school and friends and his sister. I nod and talk back at times, about random things like how excited I am about college next year. He smiles and tells me about his dream used to be to open up a surf school. Now it's changed. He wants to be a pastor.

If he had said this to me this afternoon I would have laughed at him. But now I smile reverantly and gaze at him in wonder.

"That's awesome," I smile up at him. Although I'm nearly the same height as him. I smile at the thought of us from the back, two curly blondheads walking side by side...not hand in hand but...

"It is, isn't it?"

"Yeah," I agree, looking up at the big, round moon. "I can see that..."

~*~

The next time I saw Justin was only four days later. I had spent many hours finishing my art and shopping with Rose and surprisingly, talking to mom. Only this morning I decided I am going to force myself into telling her about my decision. I've got to. It's not that I'm ashamed, just scared of her reaction. We've been getting along all things considering, although I can see things boiling beneath the surface between her and Rose, especially because she came home a little sloshed a few nights ago. But Rose took it in her stride and just smiled. Poor Rose, I bet she didn't know she would be taking on three semi-deliquents, although I have been trying to act well behaved and help out.

This morning Rose asked if I wanted to go out to tea with her tomorrow. Of course, I said yes and only then I decided that I needed to ask Justin his advice on this. So I grabbed some cash and decided to walk down to the shop where he walks almost full time.

~*~

Justin smiles as soon as I walk in. I notice a pretty dark-haired girl standing besides the counter next to him. I almost frown but force a smile and walk confidently over to the counter.

"Amber!" Justin breaks into a smile.

"Hey, how's it going?" I reply quickly and naturally.

"Oh, it's going good, thanks. I haven't seen you in ages. Where have you been?"

"Hanging with my gran. Weird, I know. But she's a pretty funky character, you know. And it's been cool getting to know her."

"Your gran is awesome," he says smiling. "Oh, this is my sister, May."

"Nice to meet you," she says smiling. She looks a little younger than me or maybe the same age.

"You too. When did you get here?"

"Yesterday. So do you live here?"

"Gosh no!" I laugh. "It's great and all but I need the city! I live apparently near you guys!"

She breaks into a smile. "Awesome."

"If you'll excuse me, I need the bathroom," May says walking off and opening the "Staff Only" door.

"So how are you?" Justin asks. I know what he means.

"I am good, thanks. Trying to keep on track basically."

"Cool."

"I came here to ask advice."

"Sure," he says, still smiling the goofy smile.

"How do I tell my mom, you know, that I've become a Christian?"

Justin hesitates a little but smiles again.

"Tell her why."

"Huh?"

"Tell her why. Tell her why you did it. How your life and now is and whether or not you regret it yet. And promise her that nothing changes between you too."

Somehow it sounds so easy when he says it. But I'm still really scared. Before I can stop it a little tear escapes and wells up in my eyes. Justin put's his arms around me and says, "It'll be alright. I promise. You'll feel a lot better when you tell her."

Just then May walks in and Justin pulls away. May looks confused first then gives me a dark look. I smile and decide it's time to leave- now. So I gather my bearings and smile at Justin then May.

"I've got to go." I say to Justin. And to May I say, "It was nice meeting you."

She smiles but doesn't return the words so I exit. I hear her say in a low voice, "But what about Grace?"

~*~

Grace! What's her problem anyway? I think to myself as I walk home. The suns seems to have disappeared all of a sudden and I can feel a slight breeze. Why is Grace to special. She was just an orphan, and in a way, so was I.

"Get a grip on yourself," I whisper to myself. Why am I so jealous of this Grace. I'm here, in Paradise Beach and I've made a friend. Isn't that good enough? Actually, I've made two. I've met God and now He is my friend too.

"I'm sorry, God," I whisper. "I'm not being a very good Christian, am I?"

I decide to stop at the beach. Although it's chilly it looks inviting and strangely enough, when I reach the shore, I see my mom sitting on a towel, clad in a little bikini. I pray a quick silent pray of help and suddenly feel a strange confidence.

"Hey, Mom!" I say to her brightly.

"Hey, Amber babe!"

"Mom," I say, cutting straight to the chase. "I've got something to tell you."

"What is it?" she asks, and I can see concern in her eyes. Something strange for a dysfunctional mom.

"I, uh, have become a Christian." I brace myself, waiting for her to blow up over me.

She sits there for a few minutes before her deliberate words tumble out. "I know I haven't been the best mother of late, Amber."

I nod, not sure what this has to do with God.

"But I'm trying. And I don't want to hold you back from anything. I want you to be able to make your own decisions and not have me on her heels growling at every decisions-right or wrong-that you make. So this is your choice. If you are happy, I am satisfied. Unless you get into the drug business."

I laugh now, immensely relieved. "That's not going to happen. Don't you worry."

Mom smiles now, and I realise that she is actually very beautiful.

"I better go back to the house now," I say to her as I turn around. Once I've walked twenty or so feet I hear my mom call after me.

"Amber?"

I spin around. "Yes, mom?"

Mom looks as though she is stuggling to come out with her next words. But then they fall out, but I can see they weren't accidental.

"I love you."