"Hey Mia," I called to my neighbor as I ran out of my humongous house. We had to play water soccer in the creek near the old willow tree.
"Hey Sam," she called back to me. She had just come out of her house. She was carrying a soccer ball in her right hand.
We were ready to go to the creek and have fun. We decided to race to the willow tree to make our traveling faster.
As always, Mia beat me by a mile. I was a little tortoise racing against a giant hare. When we caught our breath, we walked down the bank to find a good spot to start our game of water soccer.
When I thought I had found a good spot in the creek for us to start the game, I dipped my shoe into the mucky water. Without a warning, a water moccasin shot out of the water and tried to bite me.
"Look out!" Mia shouted at me. Fortunately, Mia's warning came early enough for me to get out of the way.
"That was close," I said to her. I had forgotten to be cautious around the murky water.
"I guess we should be more careful," Mia said. We moved farther along the muddy bank.
Finally we found a secure spot. We dropped the ball in the water and jumped in. The water was about three feet deep, and it was soft on the bottom. The water was cloudy, but we were some distance from where we saw the water snake. At last, it was time to begin our game.
Mia started the game by throwing the soccer ball up in the air. I did a head ball back toward my goal. I swam to the ball faster than Mia, but she stole it from me in the blink of an eye. She dribbled through the water with her head with great skill, but when she got close enough to score a goal, she couldn't get her foot out of the water quickly enough. I took the ball from her, swam down the field, and I scored a goal!
That was the first time I had scored a goal before Mia. She showed a look of defeat, but she still continued the game.
She started the game again by passing the ball into herself. She swam down the field with the soccer ball, but when she tried to score a goal, I intercepted the ball and I took off. I was about halfway down the field when I slipped on the riverbed. I fell face first in the water, and I was soaking wet!
"Are you okay?!" Mia asked me. She was at my side helping me get to the bank.
"I'm fine," I said to her in reply.
"I guess we should go home and get washed up," Mia said.
"Yeah, I guess so," I mumbled. I was sad to leave, but we got out of the creek and walked back to the willow tree. There we left each other.
Although I had fallen, I conquered my all time goal. I beat Mia Hamm in soccer.
A contest entry
- Tell Me What you Want by Mel-the-Believer.
135 points, ended April 5, 2007, 8 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything & Everything by On.Cue.
300 points, ended June 9, 2007, 58 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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It had an interesting ending. But other than that, I didn't really see much in this story. Choppy sentences definitely took it down a level. It was kind emotionless and detail-less. Work on those things and you should be fine =)
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This was a good story. I do have a question for you though, what link/quote did I give you? Because in the rules I think I said to put it in the Author comment.
Thanks for entering. God Bless! -
This is interesting although I think more distinct paragraphs would make this more readable. Mia Hamm was an all-time fav soccer player of mine. I think you could add more detail and description. Maybe more background in where the characters are in a sense and the setting. But nice first story! Welcome to Storywrite!
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Thanks
Thanks very much.
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