From a restless slumber I awakened with my eyes burning and in a disheveled state. I focused on my surroundings.
Within a moment, I peered upon a room that was in array, with a dark, sinister looking character. He had on a pair of jeans, brown boots and a denim shirt that was torn from the pocket to his country styled belt. The buttons had been ripped off as if he had been in a struggle of life... or death. His face was with open wound as blood trickled down.
As I (now polarized from fear and confusion) looked around further, I noticed blood on the floor, the walls and most of the rooms contents. Suddenly, my deepest fears seemed to become reality. This dark and sinister entity was of an evil nature.
I attempted to hide, but could not move. It must be from fear. Why hasn't he noticed me? I'm in the clear. A gun lay on the floor, a knife is in his pocket. The bloody blade was long, thin and sharp on both sides.
Why won't my legs move, the gun is just out of my reach? It must be the fear. The evil entity has engulfed the room,...his presence is all around. With evils intensity in his eyes, he feverishly searched the room.
With everything in the room strewn about, the entity intense with evil, suddenly flees.
Feeling myself confused but fortunate that no harm was inflicted upon my person, I began to feel a cold,..cold chill as the room seemingly dropped down.
I felt a calm,...a peace,...a joy,...a serenity,...a wholeness. I felt free. I looked down, and I saw.........I saw...........me. I saw me lying there on the floor bloodied, broken and motionless.......Have..I................died?
When sleeping, what will you awaken to?
Author notes
Option #3
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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"awakened" (1st sentence) should be 'awoke'
"polarized" (3rd paragraph,1st sentence) should be 'Paralized'.
"awaken"(last sentence) must either be turned into 'awake' or 'wake up', in order to make sense.
The story was okay. But your describing details were redundant, and thus became annoying after a while.
I think the best part of the whole story was the end, because it surprised me.
Though I'm not sure "entity" was an appropriate way to describe this evil being, unless he was in fact a ghost, in which case, that would be fine. But since you did not specify I assume otherwise.
keep in mind that-
"I felt a calm,...a peace,...a joy,...a serenity,...a wholeness. I felt free. I looked down, and I saw.........I saw...........me. I saw me lying there on the floor bloodied, broken and motionless.......Have..I................died?"
while being a good idea for an ending, was written with repetitive "....." making it appear as if you don't know what you're doing or how to write very well.
I give the story an 8.5/10
I give the execution of the story a 6/10
I took the time to write all this not to be mean or judgemental, but because I wanted to give you an honest opinion on how to improve it, please don't be offended by my harshness, as it is just constructive critisism.
I hope you will revise and repost this as I would love to read an improved version of this story. Thank you for posting this, it has a lot of potential, do with it as you may.
---Caitlyn
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Wow, this is truly magnificent. The imagery and pondering question you portray are truly superb. I loved it.
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scared me half to death it was watching one of those scary movies when your heart pounds i use to wonder about death and dieing not anymore a really good read awsome
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wow Amazing!
I had always hope to believe that when i die, i would be able to see my suroundings. this story was written well, i enjoyed every line, i don't normaly read any thing too long, granted i read gobs of books, this is the first story here on AP and after reading yours i will continue to read your material
Blessings
Rend
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omg. okay im only 15 and this seriously caught my attention. i was able to picture every moment. amazing imagery
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Wow I loved this ~ I didn't realize you write stories also. I am happy to meet someone else who ventures out of the norm... Your story idea very unique ~ never would have crossed my mind. Do you have a story write account also if so I would love to add you..... Thank you for sharing
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Incredible!!
I loved it. It gave me a different perspective on what will happen after I die. -
WOW! Excellent job on this. You did ask a good question to the reader on what would happen after they would wake up. Good story!!!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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It is said, at violent death, the soul is confused and sometimes does not realize its body has died.
You have pressed this horror deep into this page. A short story of that moment of awareness. Well done. ~Pamela
beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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I have never read any of your stories, so thought I might as well have a look
I didn't find it confusing at all, and I loved the way he realises that he is the one who was killed and that's why he couldn't be seen.
Hard to understand why it would be confusing
Great job!!
Love and Peace
Terese
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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This was confusing. It was hard to get.
Thanks for enterng and good luck.
Lady Madeline.
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good start
This was a bit confusing, but I nonetheless enjoyed reading it.
I wasn't sure if there were two or three (living) men in the room until around the last paragraph. Perhaps you did this intentionally?
Good job and good luck in the contest. :-)
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