Dark Night

Dark Night

One dark night a family of four, a mother, a father, a boy, and girl were driving down a stretch of road with no homes and no lights to brighten their path.

All of a sudden the car died and the car lights went out. They were in total darkness and silence; cell phones dead or out of range. Sitting there listening to the darkness press in on them for what seemed an age.

Moments later a piercing scream shattered the silence and startled the family. A woman not far off screaming was coming closer! The scream died and a loud shot rang through the air and with that another scream! The girl was so terrified she grabbed her brother’s hand and squeezed very tight trying to think of the movie they were going to go see. There was a thud and the car shuddered. The woman who had screamed now pressed her bloody hands and face against the window. Then another shot came the girl let out a screech. A third shot came the girl dared to turn her head and look around the inside of the car. Her parents petrified in the front seat, her brother wide eyed with terror. The girl turned back to look at the window and noticed the woman had disappeared.

Fear gripped her body ripping at her senses. Allowing another look outside proved futile; she couldn’t see anything. Then a small pinpoint of light came through the windshield.

A car slowly pulled up and came to a stop next to the family car. A man leaned out of the window, all the was visible was his hagard features and shadowy figure sitting next to him. "Do ya people need help?" he said with a southern draw.

"Yes, we do. Our car died, and we can't get going," the father yelled over the roar of the man's truck's motor...to be continued

Author notes

i need some more inspiration on this story

Please tell me what you think

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Comments


  • Leslie Jo
    April 3, 2007

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    Ok, a few things...not trying to be mean or nothing, just helpful...thats what this site is all about, K?

    With this sentence:"The scream died and a loud shot rang through the air and with that another scream!" try 'along' instead of 'and' and take out the 'that'.
    In line 8 put a comma between 'tight' and 'trying'.
    Line 9: comma between 'thud' and 'and'...read it to make sure...it sounds right.
    Line 10- take out the 'Then' at the beginning.
    Line 11- add an 'and' between 'came' and 'the'.
    Line 12- "Her parents 'were' petrified in the front seat, her brother wide eyed with terror."
    Line 14- :"Fear gripped her body, ripping at her senses." Add a comma and take out the 'another' at the start of the next sentence.
    That seems to cover it! Great job with this! I like your descriptivness of the bloody girl...very dramatic Keep it up!
    LJ

    beginning: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 5.