It's probably never going to be actually over, is it?
Inside everything is so mixed up right now. I don't know why my emotions are tangled in confusion. I want today to be over - in fact, I want the weekend to be here. I don't want to be one of those people who live for their weekends but the lack of responsibility and the promise of fun that comes with the weekend is just too good to me right now.
The first one is now a memory. He is good to me when it suits him, but recently the memories have been flashing in my mind a little too frequently... each one like a knife in the soul. It hurts to think about it in a kind of bittersweet way.
The second is about when it suits him. Although I know I shouldn't really go there because I know things about him, things that I have both seen and heard, that prove he isn't who I thought he was. But there is still something about this guy that I just cannot resist. Why? Why does he have this over me? Why does it hurt when I think about how great things were for a moment... and then how quickly things just dissipated?
The third happens because of not just one, but a few. Something so irresistable and yet I find myself having no choice but to resist it... Once again it is me who has to miss out on possibly being happy because of my friends. I love them so much but I can't help but feeling the want to be selfish. Someone so great comes along who might just this once feel for me in the same capacity as I feel for them, but in the events of the last couple of weeks it's possible we've screwed up any chance of us being together. What hurts most is that it isn't even our own doing; rather, it's a chain of events that involve more people than it needs to.
Three different ways of making it harder to get on with the important things - These things and the people involved in them make me weak. I don't know why I feel so discontent right now... I can't help it. It's just one of those days. Since when does 'That 70's Show' make people cry? Clearly there is something wrong with my chi or something in that new age way of thinking...
Cry cry fucking cry. Damn this emo shit.
I just needed to vent.
Comments
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The things that you feel don't make you weak... well, they do, but they also prove that you're human (when haven't we heard that before). It may seem tough, but trust me, it could be so much more worse.
I really liked this little write because I understand all of the 3 kinds of hurt you listed. I've been through everyone of them, and quite honestly I wish I had been stronger back then, too. People who are nice only when the mood suits them, yet you feel that irrestable pull to them... even when you know it may be better to step away. I have that problem a lot, so you have my sympathies.
And the last one... I've felt a few variations, but I won't go into detail.
Thanks for gracing me with this story. I enjoyed it a lot.
Much Love,
Silently Raining
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