Heather spent the day in Cairo at the library and at a museum. She was a student of Archaeology in Great Britain and she had chosen to vacation in Egypt between semesters. It had been a long day and a hot one. She planned to visit the pyramids and a recent excavation site while she was in the country. She had been in Cairo two days.
Very attractive, Heather was 5'8", silky smooth sandy blonde hair which was her natural color, blue eyes, and had an average though slim build. She was engaged to Harold Huntington and she was saving herself until marriage. Both of them were committed to their studies and abstinence fit them both well. Although both attended church, this decision was not a religious one.
Heather came from a well to do family and her family was paying for her education and also her vacation. She returned to the hotel and went up to her room. She had no idea she had been chosen; chosen by Patagna. Heather got ready for bed. She had a shower, pulled on fresh panties and crawled into bed. She was tired and fell asleep quickly and soundly.
Heather awoke frightened and sensed that there was a presence in her room. Very quietly she listened. She felt a chill of fear which had nothing to do with the temperature in the room. She reached to turn on the lamp beside her bed and a large hand caught her wrist and another covered her mouth. She made out the large form of a man of well over six feet.
"Quiet, little one," said the voice from the figure looming over her. "Or I will kill you here."
After a moment he removed his hand and turned on the light. His skin was nearly black and he was six and a half feet tall, big and muscular, dressed in tan slacks and white button shirt. With him was a white man of similar height wearing brown pants and a white shirt. That man had dark hair and brown eyes.
"What do you want?" asked Heather coping with her fear.
"You will come with us," said the black man. "Get dressed." Both men were expressionless. They seemed to take no interest in her half dressed state. Heather was wearing only her panties. She had beautiful form and a narrow waist which emphasized her lovely hips. Her breasts were appealing though medium in size and she had small pale pink areolas and nipples. Goose bumps of fright covered her body.
She quickly pulled on her faded blue jeans and a yellow t-shirt. She put on her socks and tennis shoes, she wore no bra. It felt some comforting to have her clothing on.
"What do you want with me?" she asked.
"You will see in time, Miss." said the black man. "Come with us."
The white man tightly wrapped his arm around her and they led her down the hall, into the elevator, then through the lobby and out the main doors. Heather believed they would kill her if she resisted, so she went without a fuss. They got into a red minivan. The black man drove and Heather and the white man sat together in the seat behind the driver. He kept his arm around her.
They drove out across the desert and finally the lights of the city disappeared. Though Heather had no idea where they were, the driver seemed confident. Heather was deeply frightened, but somehow the embrace of the tall white man eased some of her anxiety. "I need to pee," said Heather. They stopped and let her urinate in the sand beside the van. They were no longer on the road.
It was quite dark and the sun would not be up for hours. The stars shown in the clear dark sky. Heather wondered silently what they wanted with her. She figured it was most likely that the were kidnapping her for ransom. There seemed to be no sexual interest.
Finally she saw ahead in the distance a campsite coming into view. Vehicles surrounded the site with their lights on and there were about twenty people standing in the center wearing black robes with hoods. One was wearing a dark red cape. That woman was wearing no hood. She was strikingly beautiful; very smooth dark skin, dark shiny silky black hair, and golden eyes. The men led Heather to stand before the woman in red. She smiled as though pleased and said with a look that created even more fear in Heather, "Prepare her."
The two men led her back to the van and donned black robes and hoods. The black man said to Heather, "Remove your clothing, all of it." Nervously Heather came out of her clothes. When she was done, she stood before the two men at their minivan naked. The men took a white silk robe from the van and placed it on her. It was quite lovely. It had no hood.
They led her up to an altar in the center of the camp. "Stand here," said the black man. The people circled the altar. The altar was about 6' in length and 3' wide.
The woman in the red robe stood in front of Heather and of the altar and spoke for about twenty minutes in a language Heather did not understand. The others would mutter something in reply occassionally when the woman would pause. Finally the woman finished. In the robes were both men and women. There were torches at each corner of the altar for light. There was also a large pile of wood off to one side. Heather knew that she was the main object and center of attention for this gathering, but she didn't understand what was going on.
"Drink this, my child," said the woman in red with the mysterious golden eyes. The liquid was bitter, but obediently Heather swallowed it. The woman pulled the white robe off Heather and again Heather stood in the nude, but the night was warm. The woman in red helped Heather onto the altar and guided Heather to lay prone on her back. Soon Heather began to lose sensation in her arms and legs. She could not move them. She heard the woman in red chanting something and saw the flash of a long curved knife. Heather realized then that the woman in red intended to kill her. Heather could not move or speak. Tears silently streaked down her cheeks. She tried with all her being to move or cry out, but she was completely immobilized.
Heather felt the dull sensation of the knife as it ripped into her flesh just beneath her ribs. The fluid she drank earlier anesthetized her to the pain. Breathing became suddenly difficult as her diaphram was carefully sliced open. The woman put her hand inside Heather's rib cage between her lungs and grasped her heart. Heather actually felt the woman grip her beating heart and then a wave of darkness came over Heather and she expired as the woman tore out her heart.
The group of people stood and watched as the Patagna in the red cape ate Heather's heart. Then they carefully placed Heather's body on the large pile of wood and set it afire with the torches. Quickly the fire built and began to consume Heather's body. The smell of burnt flesh filled the air. Nothing appeared on the horizon surrounding them. Heather's disappearance would forever remain a mystery.
Patagna and her followers believed that Patagna was the Egyptian goddess Sekhmet incarnate. She annually ate the heart of a young woman to keep her youth. Patagna appeared much younger than her years. She was over eighty years old. She looked no older than thirty.
In a list
A contest entry
- Myths and Legends, Gods and Goddesses by Delfishie.
175 points, ended April 5, 2007, 14 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Crazy Collabs by Poopa Thug.
300 points, ended October 1, 2007, 3 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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annother story where I like the concept and the events a great deal. However I found the writing style itself a but...unrefined.
My biggest pointer would be not stopping the action for the sake of descriptions. Try working your descriptions into the flow of your prose. -
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Thank You
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it.
Ah! but you're a hard woman to please! I'll make a note to correct this error of stopping the action for the sake of description.
You say you like Sci-fi and space. I've got one more tale which you may like better, it's fast paced, it's humorous, but it's a tad long. If you get past the beginning, I think you'll love it. Invasion of Stagna 3.
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my comment was to help you improve for future stories, I was actually quite pleased with your entry^^
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I'm very glad that you were pleased with Patagna.
I understood that your suggestion was to help me improve on my writing, but it reminded me of a story that I felt would be better suited to the contest. If you'd like me to resubmit Patagna, I'll be happy to. I think you'll enjoy Invasion of Stagna 3 more.
Andy
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Great
I liked reading this, but it seemed a little rigid to me, it's probably just me. Anyway I actually thought this was a great piece of work. I loved the foreshadowing.
As soon as I saw "Or I will kill you here.", I knew what was going to happen, well the sacrificial part of it, not the heart eating.
I liked the way you wove everything together so well.
beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 5.
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Thanks
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and applauding. I really appreciate it. This story may be continued if I can coordinate with my co-writer.
I was just reading an author who writes extremely well, puts me to shame. I can understand that this might seem rigid. I'm glad you like it.
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I loooove it Andy, Love it. Bravo my friend, you are great, and i looove the picture, where did you get it
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Thanks, Partner
I just got to this message. I got the picture at photobucket.com. It was also on Google, but Google had print over the picture.
What do you think Patagna and her followers should do next?
Andy
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Well done!
Hey, well done. Bravo!!!
I think you did a really fascinating job with this one. I could see everything that was going on...though some of it I didn't want to see. I could see that old bitch eating poor little Heather's heart; I could see Heather naked too (sounds HOT); and I could see...I could see all of it. I was mystified by your writing and couldn't help but read it...
One word: Wow.
Very well done.
Andy and Nermin, you should both take bows.
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Thanks, George
Thanks for reading and commenting. I'm glad you like this one. Nermin and I intend to expand on this, but I decided to go ahead and post what we had. Poor Heather, just a student vacationing in Egypt. Yes, Patagna, is an old bitch, but she is doing her best to preserve herself. lol.
Andy
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jeez
That was really well written and actually kinda horrifying. I really liked the matter-of-fact way you described the terrible things the cult followers were doing. Somehow, instead of drawing the reader away from the suspense, it actually drew me into it.
The one thing that bothered me was how Heather didn't try to fight. During the time she was let out to pee, for example, or at the beginning in the bedroom. She just went along with it instead of running away or screaming or anything. Without any explanation as to why, it didn't seem realistic.
Nonetheless, you did a great job with this story. I really enjoyed reading it. -
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Thanks, Delfishie
Glad that you like this one. Thanks for reading and commenting. I'm glad that it drew you in. Heather didn't feel she could escape the two men, that's why she didn't try. If she had known they intended to kill her, perhaps she would have tried. Oh well, it is something to ponder.
Andy
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lol you have a lot os stories no wonder you don't have time to write poems any more ... this was a very good story . I enjoyed it
Love You
Jackie
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Thanks, Jackie
Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. We really do need to start writing together again. I also miss our time together. I'm glad you like this story.
Andy
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This was a very interesting story. Very well written. You have a wonderful talent. I liked this story a lot. Thank you for entering. Good luck. God Bless!
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Thanks
I hope you have a lot of fun with your contest. This story is loosely based on Sekhmet, an Egyptian goddess. This is the beginning of it, but I don't know where we are going with it next. Thanks for hosting, reading, and commenting.
Andy
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