I let loose my precious children in the midst of chaos. Throngs of overfed, over-indulged screaming brats crowded together. My shy, wallflower children stood on the sidelines watching these "others" crawl over play equipment. Scrambling up ladders and down slides. Swinging across monkeybars and running into each other. 1
Peyton, with her long red hair twisted into a braid, stood clutching her sister’s hand desperately and biting her lower lip, as Myley, with her short curly brown hair, shifted from one foot to the other, a finger stuck in her mouth.2
I stood behind them, worried and fretting. They hadn't had a lot of exposure to crowds of children. We spent our free time in the mountains or in the quiet of the library. 3
But today seven-year-old Peyton had insisted in her quiet voice, that we needed to go to the city park. Who was I to refuse when she asks so little? So here we were, standing on the dew moist grass, smelling the sticky sweet scent of lollipops and Kool-Aid.4
"Go on then," I said gently and nudged them forward.5
Peyton twisted away from me and took two steps forward before turning to me again. Her ocean blue eyes were filled with tears. I bent down and she ran into my arms as Myley clung to my back. 6
"Oh sweetie," I began, only to be cut off by her sobbing in my ear. I waited patiently until her crying had run its course and only hiccups and a few tears were evident.7
Once again I started to talk. "Oh sweety, this must be scary for you. We don't have to stay here."8
She lifted her head to peer into my eyes. I watched as curiosity struggled with fear while a few liquid jewels escaped her eyes and made tracks down her freckled cheeks.9
The war of emotions was over and it looked to me as if curiosity won. A slow, sad smile spread across her sun-kissed face. "No mama, it's ok."10
She turned from me, her back straight and brave, then grabbed her two year old sister's hand and walked towards the slide. I stood on the sidelines trying not to bite my nails or look worried but failing miserably.11
Peyton patiently helped Myley climb the tall, brightly painted ladder and sat Myley in front of her. As she waited for the boy to move off the end, she turned and looked my direction.12
I smiled and waved as cheerfully as I could, but shaking with anticipation inside.13
It must have been what she needed because she waved back enthusiastically and went down the slide with her sister, screaming.
Author notes
I wrote this under another name, so if it feels like you've read it somewhere else before you probably have
edited 04-03-07
In a list
A contest entry
- Anything Goes Contest! by grey2dragon.
175 points, ended July 14, 24 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 42 of 42
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Mew. Very nice. I like your stories, Auntie... they make me want to steal your little muse. *tries to*
Great work. Have a 
and a pinecone.
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As always thanks for the pinecone
and the read
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Previously read and commented on.
Geri
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Geri,
Finally changed sweety to sweetie. Don't know why I didn't before.
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Very nicely written. I expected nothing less when I opened this page, especially being from you. lol.
Awesome Job!! Loved every bit of it!!
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Thank you. Your praise is greatly appreciated
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This is such a cute piece! I can just picture these little girls at the park, trying to process the sensory overload of busy kids. Really sweet and adorable - one of those warm-fuzzy pieces. You might consider combining some of your paragraphs - many of them are only one sentence long - but the spacing didn't necessarily distract from the reading. Anyways, great job!
Notes:
* "overfed, over-indulged screaming brats" - make sure you hyphenate two-word adjectives.
* Para 2: The second sentence in this paragraph is actually a fragment. You could conceivably combine it with the previous sentence.
* Ok, we know Peyton is 7 - how old is Myley? Which one is older?
* "her crying had run it's course" - you don't need the apostrophe in "its" in this context.
* I think you need a period instead of a comma after "sun-kissed face."
* "climb the tall, brightly-painted ladder" - first, you need a hyphen again, and second, you don't say the ladder of what...at least not until the final sentence.
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Thanks so much for finding those typo and mistakes. I have fixed them.
As to the ladder in the fifth paragraph from the bottom it does say ladder. But thanks for pointing it out. I may have to slip it in after the ladder again though.
Thanks again.
Brooke
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Great little story here.
It reminds me of my nieces. Well, one of them anyway. One is very shy and the other is a regular little tomboy. lol
I like how they overcame their hesitation and had fun at the end. Sometimes it just takes a little encouragement to get them started.
Cute story. Nicely done.
Greg
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Hey Greg,
Thanks for reading. My kids aren't like this at all I enjoyed trying to do something that was different than my own.
Again thanks for reading.
Brooke
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This was good, and I nice theme of letting go. It reminds me of when my girls were younger (they're not old!) and we took a trip to an inside playground...of course our youngest bashed her head accidentally against a metal slide. She needed stitches! Thank goodness this story didn't end like that!
OK, enough of the family history...Brooke, this was well done, thoughtful, touching and moving...all nicely wrapped in a neat little package. You should be proud of this piece. It is fantastic.
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Thanks Phil. I loved learning a little bit more about you
Again thanks for reading.
Brooke
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This is excellent. Thank you very much for sharing.
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Thanks Shady
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Oh thats so sweet, beautiflly described and a wonderful read. no wonder it so many comments, it was excellent. :3
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They won't let me rate this twice.
Been there done that—but it was just as delightful a read as before. Only I still don’t like sweety instead of sweetie—reminds me of tweety, the bird that is—grin.
Have you ever thought of offering this to Readers Digest? I use to get that magazine and they printed a number of short family stories.
Geri
They won't let me rate this twice.
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I would say this reminds me of my niece, but she is no where near being shy. Haha. But I loved it. I love stories based on reality. They generally turn out the best.
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Nicely told story
Another story about how much stronger children are emotionally than parents realize.
That first day at school, the first time they go out and play with the strangers at the playground.
This was a nicely told story about the experience that is constantly repeating itself all over the world.
Now the parent must be ready for the first pushing around or cruel words from a playmate.
Children can be the cruelest of creatures. Most children survive their school years but no military boot camp is worse for some children.
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aaaawww! this is an awesome story, i must say it's one of the best i've read on here. although this is a SWEET piece, i do have a suggestion *insert thunder, lightning, and screaming here* I think you could combine a couple of the paragraphs. it seems a little too spaced out. great, i really enjoyed this one! i could really feel what the characters were thinking.
♥ sasha ♥
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Thanks for your suggestion. I will look into that and see if I can see what you mean. Thanks again
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Real life picture!Feelings of both mother and kids clearly shown!
Nuggehalli Pankaj -
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Thanks so much.
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"And" or "but" shouldn't start sentences unless they're in dialogue. Putting them in narration makes it too personalized. I suggest rewording it.
Who was I to refuse when she asks so little?
I think if you changed the word "little" to something like "seldom" it would have more of an impact that I believe you're looking for.
I really like the feel of this piece. You show the emotions well. I felt not only what the mother was going through but the kids as well. Very well done! -
Good clear writing had no difficulty following the plot or ‘Seeing’ the characters. For so small a piece, you put a lot of emotions into it.
It must have been what she needed because she waved back enthusiastically and went down the slide with her sister, screaming. LOL
Boy have I seen this lady before. Usually she’s snarling at my kids, and dusting her own little darlings off. And heaven forbid if one of my dirty urchins should sneeze…
Joking aside, this is a delightful depiction of a mother and her daughters in one of the horrible situation of starting that separation sequence.
Good clear writing had no difficulty following the plot or ‘Seeing’ the characters. For so small a piece, you put a lot of emotions into it.
You might want to look at;
"Oh (sweety,") sweetie I began, only to be cut off by her sobbing in my ear.
I waited patiently until her crying had run( it's) its course
Once again I started to talk. "Oh (sweety,) sweetie
Geri
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Thanks for spotlighting this. And I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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Oh thanks so much for pointing those out and I'm glad you enjoyed this little piece. I was sitting at an indoor playground trying to write an alien piece and this is what came out. It's usually my kids that ppl are looking at like this too.
Brooke
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Haha! that was cute.
Great job with this, Brooke.
I don't think there was anything that I need to nit pick at, so that's even better!
Hooray for Brooke!
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Thanks. This was really supposed to be an alien type of story but it turned into this I don't know how that happened but it took off on a different route.
Thanks again.
Brooke
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whoops I didn't rate....
Still think it's great, minor grammar problems, rated about 4 -
awwww
That's really cute. It shows the determination of kids and their desire to fit in, but I also would like to see thoughts or dialog between the girls. -
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Thanks for reading and commenting on this little piece. Could you point out the grammar errors? I'm really bad at it so any help you could give me would be great.
Thanks again
~*Brooke*~
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good story
I would like to see a little more interaction or dialog between the two sisters. How was Myley reacting to the situation and her sister's reactions.
. Rewarded 4
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If I was going to extend it then dialog would play a part in this. Although having a conversation with a two year old is difficult at time. But thanks for the suggestion.
Also thanks for taking the time to read this and comment.
~*Brooke*~
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Great
I thought that this story was terrific. It was the most enjoyable story I've read on this website so far.
. Rewarded 4
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Thanks for taking the time to read this and to comment. And such flattery...thank you.
~*Brooke*~
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Good job!
I loved this. I could most definitely feel with your MC as well as Peyton and Myley. I loved this! It was such a sweet, sweet story.
Yeah...kids are shy...scared...and so are moms sometimes, especially when something as new and, at first, unpleasant as socialization is at stake. But, with the forces combined and when a mom pushes for her kids like a fan at a sport's event, the kids will fit in--no buts about it.
TYPO ALERT:
'others' [Since you're using double quotes predominantly, I would suggest you stick with them.]
A slow, sad smile spread across her sun-kissed face, "no [No] mama, it's ok."
As she waited for the boy to move off the end [,] she turned and looked my direction.
she waved back enthusiastly [enthusiastically]. Rewarded 8
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Again thanks for pointing thoses out. I will fix them now. And I'm glad that you could feel for and with the characters. I was sitting at a playground with my youngest and just couldn't resist writing some like this. There weren't any kids running causing harm, I just threw that in there. I always carry paper and a pen and I was glad I had that day.
Thanks again.
Brooke
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i love your names and your choice of words is awesome they put real strength into the story are all your stories like this one or are they better
. Rewarded 4
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I'd like to stay that all my stories were written as well as this one, but I'm not sure. I think that there are some that are better and some that really stink I guess that would be up to the reader. But thanks for the praise.
~*Brooke*~
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good,
the ending was very well written, and there wern't very many things that confused me. It was very easy read with good details
. Rewarded 4
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Thank you for taking the time to read this and to comment. I'm glad it wasn't confusing. Sometimes watching kids it
Again thanks
~*Brooke*~
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