It was a beatuiful day in Gallofalls, the beaming sun was smiling it's face down on Gallofalls. There was no cloud in the blue sky. In the palace the queen was pregent with a girl. She was hoping the baby would come in April. She walked down the hallway to the thorne room.
Then there came a cloud. The sky turned dark red, as red as blood. The queen looked out the window. She was not pleased to see who was coming. She saw an army coming to her town. She ran to the army room. She brust threw the door. King Daes was teaching the army. "Daes, The Fargones are coming!" said the queen panicing. King Daes looked at the army. "We're ready," said the King. The queen felt a strong kick in her belly. "Oh no, the baby is coming!" said the queen. Daes ran to the queen. "Well, we will go to the hospital room soon," said the king, happy that the baby is coming, yet mad that the Fargones are coming during this happy time.
The army went on out to attack the Fargones. While the king and queen went to the hospital room. The queen cried, and screamed. She was in pain that you can't think of. Soon, the baby was born. She has lovely bright brown eyes, and long black hair, with the brownset skin you have ever seen. She was beatuiful. The queen smiled down at the baby girl. "I will call her Lai, for beauty," said the queen. Then there was a scream. The king ran to the window. "The Fargones are defeating us!" cried the king. "I will have to help them. I am going to take a risk, and try to defeat the Fargones," said the king. He gave his wife a kiss, and went out to battle.
There was a boom. Then everything went black. The queen screamed. The lights came back on. There on the ground lay the queen. She was dead, there was a knife right in her chest. The maid that was in the room looked around. Lai was laying on the ground. The maid picked her up, and ran out the palace. She got in a carrage. Lai started to cry. The maid put her closer to her chest. And she sat in the carraged. Then the carraged stoped. The maid looked to see what was happening. She saw nothing. The driver was gone. Then out of on where there was a Fargone. The maid screamed. She jumped out of the carraged. There ahead of her was a ciff. She stoped. She turned round to see the Fargone. "Give me the baby," said the Fargone. "No," said the maid. "She will be safe," said the Fargone. "No she won't," said the maid. She looked down at the ciff. She backed awy. Before she knew it she was falling. She screamed. Down below was a carrage with soft materail on top. The maid knew it was only for one. She made sure the baby would make that material. She let go of Lai. Then the maid hit the ground. She lay dead.
Lai, was on top of the carrage crying. Rain began to fall. Lai some how put a sheild over herself, that wat she won't get wet. The carraged moved. She was going some where, but had no clue where she was going. She hoped that she would be going somewhere safe. She din't know that the carrage was flying. She was just wondering where could there be a safe place that she would be going to.
A contest entry
- A Certain Kind of Fairy Tale by Kylia Skydancer.
750 points, ended July 22, 2007, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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"In the palace the queen was pregent with a girl." 'pregent' should be 'pregnant'.
"The sky turned dark red, as red as blood." A bit cliche, try to vary your descriptive terms. Blood in commonly used.
"She brust threw the door." 'brust' should be 'burst'.
"...with the brownset skin you have ever seen." 'brownset' should be 'brownest'
"She got in a carrage." 'carrage' should be 'carriage'
"There ahead of her was a ciff. She stoped. She turned round to see the Fargone." 'ciff' should be 'cliff'. 'stoped' should be 'stopped'. 'round' should be 'around'.
"She backed awy." 'awy' should be 'away'.
"Down below was a carrage with soft materail on top." 'materail' should be 'material'.
"Lai some how put a sheild over herself..." 'sheild' should be 'shield'.
"She din't know that the carrage was flying." 'din't' should be 'didn't'.
This is too fast paced and jumpy. There is no background info and you tend to repeat yourself several times.
You need to paragraph things a bit more evenly and make a new paragraph each time someone else or enw is speaking.
Try revising this and it should come out better with practise. -
should i contiue?
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wow interesting



