She ran, fumbling through the cave, unable to see where she was going, or where she had been. She took a left turn at a fork in the track, and then a right in the left; she remembered that this was the way through she had entered this place. 1
This cold, dark, cell-like place... it was only a dare...it wasn't like she had had any genuine interest in the place: it had only been to impress Cedric...oh Cedric...he seemed so distant now, as she continued her way through the cave. He, along with the other two boys and girls here on camp staying in the village below, thought that this cave was haunted. 2
He said that a little boy had come here on a night not unlike this very one. The moon was half-showing through the grey clouds, up so far in the sky...as if it were directly above where they had stood just a few minutes ago, outside the cave entrance. 3
That little boy had come here to explore this area, along with his father, who had a passion for history and the ancient world. The boy beleived that his father's archaeologist team were digging in entirely the wrong place if they were looking for treasure. He had a strong feeling about this cavern. It called to him somehow, and so he set off into it, determined to find treasures of amount and value beyond he or his fathers wildest dreams.4
Cedric said that the boy had never been seen again. He said that the boy had wandered far into the cave, too far in actually; he had indeed found something far far beyond his wildest dreams...but it wasn't treasure. What that boy had stumbled across was a curse. A terrible, truly horrifying curse, centuries old. It was unleashed to wreack havoc on humanity, something so twisted and terrifying that it could not be described any other way.5
What he had unleashed was, in fact....a monster....6
She had dissmissed the fact as a myth. She wasn't into the whole "supernatural world" or "the other side" or whatever you wanted to call it. Frankly she had never seen any proof of it herself, and until she did; she would continue to dissmiss anything without physical proof.7
The only thing that creeped her out about that story was the one fact that she didn't want to think about. The one fact in the story that was reported from every version she had heard of it...and she didn't want to think about it again.8
Now, she could see a small light infront of her; the cave entrance she was sure of it! And yet it seemed to be moving farther and farther away...the more she ran...the more distant it became. Now; she was really starting to freak out. She turned the other way and ran back into the cave, and went right at the fork in the path. 9
Another light! She could see it here aswell! Was it the same one or a different one that looked familiar? She couldn't be sure of anything. She ran faster now, in sheer desperation to reach whatever it was. She ran on for 20 minutes and still the light would not grow any bigger; now she knew what real terror felt like.10
Images flashed through her mind of what this monster could look like. Huge bulking dark figures haunted her mind...and she ran on, puffing, nearly out of breath.11
She didn't want to stop; she couldn't stop!! She needed to go on and find her way out, but no; not without a break. Her legs trembled with every step she took. Finally, she crumpled to the floor, exhausted. 12
She tried to catch her breath, but she couldn't breathe properly. Something was wrong...something terrible had gone even more terribly wrong. And it wasn't just the fact that she was hopelessly lost in this cave on school camp...it was something else. 13
She had always heard the phrase 'send shivers down your spine'...she didn't know that it was anything more than an expression...but she could definitely sense something...somehow...14
There it was; something in the shadows had just moved. She spun around to try and see it but it disappeared too fast. Then again behind her; and again she was too late to see it. She looked around her, swivelling her head around until she became quite dizzy...but she was panicked now, and then something brushed her ear. 15
That was it; she sped off again, squealing slightly...and felt it give chase. She knew what it was; she knew all too well.16
She had stumbled upon the same curse that the boy had so many decades ago. This was the monster... but how?? How?!??!? 17
But all she knew was that she had to escape; if she valued her life, she had to escape. 18
It was catching up with her; she couldnt press on, her breath was escaping, and she tripped and fell, cutting her leg in the process. She turned around, scrambling to get back up, but she couldnt. It was slipery underfoot, and she was too tired to do anything but stare in horror, at the thing she was facing.19
It made a seething hissing sound close to a roar of victory, and lunged down at her, and she knew there was nothing she could do but scream. And even that was useless, as she used up her last amount of energy crying out in sheer terror. 20
As she did so, the last bit of the story flashed through her mind fleetingly...the last fact she had left out...the last fact that had been reported by everyone in the small village below the cave...21
The only thing they heard about the boy after he dissappeared deep into the cave...22
...was his final scream...
Author notes
O # II [option number two]
A contest entry
- Fantasy by Rini.
300 points, ended September 22, 2007, 15 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - This Is Halloween...Halloween Is Fine! by So Strange.
1000 points, ended November 10, 2007, 2 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - 13th Friday Contest-13 Options!(Prewrites Allowed) by Cupcake14.
110 points, ended March 28, 14 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Story Contest #2 (Options) by VelvetWings.
350 points, ended April 10, 17 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Well if u like it just tell me why u reckon it was good or if ya hated it then feel free to tell me why ur spewin all ova my new carpet!!! lol
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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In paragraph 10 I spotted a spelling error: 'aswell' should be separated into 'as well'.
The beginning starts off reminding me of a game I played on Gameboy Colour, Magi-Nation. Actually the whole thing is kind of like the beginning of that game, but it's a pretty obscure one and I don't know if you're a gamer so... well, I'll drop that. *lol*
As for the story itself, I found myself skimming through it a lot, so unfortunately I didn't catch every word. I think the characters should use some more development; give them personality before you kill them, or it's a little more difficult to keep up with their thoughts.
If there was more to this story, I would still read it however, as although you allude that your main character dies, it's not specifically stated so I'd think there could be more.
Thanks for the contest entry, and good luck!
~Sparrowbeginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 2, characters: 3.
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You're really good at making fantasy-based stories. Then again, you're great at making any story because you're awesome like that. xD
Awesome, Usagi-hime-sama! xD -
unable to see where she was going, nor where she had been.-you might want to remove the n from 'nor'
through she -through which
Harry Potter fanfic? Interesting start, I'm pleased
beleived-believed
How did people discover what the little boy was thinking when he went into the cave..you might want to reconsider that
dissmiss anything without physical proof.-'it' sounds simpler.
there can't be a 'fact' in a myth...
aswell-as well
bulking-bulky
slipery-slippery
Ok..I guess it wasn't Harry potter..sorry, i heard the name Cedric, that's why.
It was a really nice story, even though you forgot to proofread it seems! Good job, you made me jealous enough! :
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Very suspense filled story! Keep writing!
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cool story! i loved the suspense it built up and then the climax. Good job!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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"She took a left turn at a fork in the track, and then a right in the left; she remembered that this was the way through she had entered this place."
a right in the left sounds odd. I'm not sure what that means. Also I think the second through is unneeded along with this place. "she remembered that this was the way she had entered.
Wow, that was freaky. Really really freaky. You definitely sucked me in. I liked how you left it to our imagination on how the monster looked. Keep up the writing.
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I loved this. Nicely written and great work. I liked how you opened the story and how it is described.
I've already commented this but a more in depth comment that would help and show what I thought of it. Keep up the great work and thanks for entering.
Emma -
very good! well written good job
Em
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tut tut
evanlyn i have read other pecies by you and this is a descace!! it is still a good story but really a SHORY STORY SHAME ON YOU!!! you can still recover the story tho. the way it ended you can go on from it. oh please do i know u can do better.
beginning: 2, language: 5, plot: 2, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 1.
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It's spelt DISGRACE XP and this was one I did in a rush so poo to you
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Cute
Suspense. Very cool. I am slightly breathless myself. Good idea not to really describe the monster. Kinda lets the reader's imagination take hold and make it more gruesome as the shadows of night crawl into our minds. haha. I like the "final fact" at the end too. Very nice ending! This was really cool. ^^ Great.
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