The night you left I cried. For everything that was, for everything that couldn’t be. That night was the beginning of the rest of my life. I had to move on. I had to step forward- one foot in front of the other. Yet I still remember the way you looked at me- before that night, and during. You looked at me like leaving me was bringing the destruction of the world. But in actuality, the only world destroyed was mine.
I thought it would be harder. That is, letting you go. Watching you walk away from me, out a door that was never mine to claim. Over before it started. I thought it would be harder. The next day I woke up, and the tears had dried. The sun was shining, it was a beautiful day. Life goes on. And on and on. And after a week, I’d met someone new. And he reminded me of you. I think that’s why I kept him around. He’s sweet, and he’s smart and he’s here. You were not- here. We kissed. And I felt nothing.
It’s been two weeks, and tomorrow I see you. It feels more like an eternity has passed. So much going on these days. And I realized that you still thought we were together, even when we were apart. And I feel the guilt creep in. I can never say how quickly I betrayed you. I will never utter the words.
Two weeks, and I already feel like I’ve abandoned you. And been abandoned by you. I had given up hope. I had lost my love. Let’s go find another. But there is no other you. And no matter how strong I pretend to be, love cannot evaporate. But it does condensate around my heart, collecting like tiny water droplets, clogging my arteries, hindering my blood, until it gets hard to breathe. That’s what love feels like.
That’s what lost love feels like. Not evaporation. Oh! But when love comes, it rains down, precipitates, over me- filling me, washing me, cleaning me, drowning me, until I’m gasping for air…funny how that works. When ever love comes around, I always seem to lose my breath
A contest entry
- Flash In The Pan! by Chemical Imbalance.
350 points, ended March 31, 2007, 12 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
I just started writing this, im not sure if its finished. How do you feel about the end? Should it be the end? Does it need more?
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
so emtional and its really interesting. kinda cliched but it was nice. great job
-
Wow, this was packed full of emotion. You could feel the sorrow the narrator was experiencing, and it flowed quite smoothly. A slightly old-fashioned style, if I'm not mistaken? That's not a bad thing; rather, it's quite refreshing. My only suggestion would be to watch the cliches - 'That night was the beginning of the rest of my life' is a beautiful phrase, but it's been used so many times before that it tends to feel a bit stale in writing. Otherwise, it made for an interesting read.
-
You have a few grammatical errors here and there...like starting sentences with and...but not biggie to fix. I really liked the emotion and the imagery in this story. You could expand it or not, either way works. Good job on this. Thanks for enterting the contest and good luck.
-
a few sentence structural errors and you should never start a sentence with "but" or "and" unless it's in dialogue
I'm a little confused about how the guy would think they were still together when he's the one who broke up...
otherwise the emotions are well shown here. good luck in the contest. -
Oh, really loved that "condensate around my heart" sentence - it was really impressive imagery! I think as it stands it doesn't feel finished, perhaps if you went back to the beginning and go back to the issue of the lost over and somehow end there? Decide whether you want to end on a positive or negative note, as it stands it just sort of ends with no real resolution - and perhaps that can be your take too, that there IS no real resolution when dealing with a lost love? Anyhow, really nice job I enjoyed some of the images you painted up!
Adding your comment:
1 - 5 of 5
