A Frightening Wonder

To plan one’s future is a frightful process. A task which borders on impossible to accurately complete while the naiveties of the adolescent mind only hinder. At the age of 16, I am already expected to have paved the path I wish to follow, yet I know not the direction I wish to head in. The future, as I currently see it, is but a fairytale. A happily-ever-after created by the imagination of a child to quieten the fear and ease the uncertainties which linger around the very thoughts of tomorrow. It is yet a blur of images; unclear to the naked eye, but fully visible once accompanied by dreams. Currently I see only a family. A vague image of a husband and a child to a girl resembling myself, inside my head. I see not a career, for I have not yet settled my thoughts upon one. I cannot say I haven’t tried. On the contrary, I have sat many hours pondering over the yellow fronted booklet issued by the school and numerous print-outs from websites informing of such careers in such fields as teaching, journalism and even as far as forensic science, yet my decisions remain adrift; still floating around in the hazy region of my mind where uncertainties linger.

I lie away each night, staring blankly to the ceiling as if hoping, praying for a helping hand. I gaze into the blackness longing for the much needed enlightenment to my decisions. Yet the Divine Lord is proving unhelpful. Oh, what I’d give for a celestial ray to descend upon my and reveal the road which G-d himself has planned me to take. The worry and fear of venturing into a darkened tunnel with no guiding light to lead me, occupies my mind for hours on end, preventing sleep from taking hol. As each morning dawns, I wake still fearing the cloudy sky that is my future and as each morning dawns, it counts down the days until I am required to submit the form reading the choices which I have made for my future.

It seems that n matter how much help I seek, I still end up back at the very beginning. The more and more I pour my attentions into such important choices, the harder and harder it becomes to decide. The childish disposition of which I still possess hinders me from finding the maturity to progress with life. My own natural instinct to mistrust anything I am unsure about provides a giant hurdle, which may only be cleared when the puzzle fits together correctly; when the road before me is fully planned out right down to the last square millimetre. This, however, is impossible. No one can accurately plan and predict their tomorrows. Yes, we can set ourselves goals to achieve and we can aspire to reach these targets, but that day will never come without a great deal of striving to remain on track. There will be a great number of occasions when things will not go according to plan. Life is a constant struggle to maintain the balance of the natural world. For anything great to happen in one’s life, there must be times of sorrow. One cannot grow unless one makes the mistake from which they must endeavour to learn from. Knowledge and understanding can only be gained through trial and error process which must be carried out throughout our daily routines. It is from the ashes that springs the brightest flame. Yet is this I fear. I fear the failure, the sorrow. I fear that once fallen, my wings will never heal and I will remain stranded forever. I have not the courage in my heart to run the risk of failure.


The future is a frightening wonder which flutters daily around my head as I desperately seek some clarity. I feel trapped within the labyrinth of dreams and reality; lost and blinded by the tears of anxiety which well up more and more as life progresses.
I have only a week remaining before my form must be returned and I am currently no wiser as to the direction I wish to take my life. I can but pray for a miraculous enlightening of the mind or simply for the courage and confidence to enable me to take the risk of walking the dead end street, which may, perhaps, be awaiting me at the end of this pitch black tunnel. I can only hope that the restless thoughts will finally settle upon a reasonable decision to allow a painted image of my future to form within the bounds of my imagination. For the future is forever approaching. There is no escape from tomorrow and one must ready oneself for the arrival of the unexpected as best they can. I suppose the mind will have sub-consciously come to conclusions already and it is only the demons of my imagination which bring about such fear of tomorrow as the ones which flow around my head. I sincerely hope this is true, that when the time comes, I will correctly decide upon the route to follow.