Love, Pain, and the Whole Crazy Thing

Part 1
The Crush
I am exhausted. I have been working hard all day trying to impress this girl that is in my
first period (but she’s also in other classes with me). Math, my favorite subject. The only problem is that anytime I would have to answer anything out loud, I would think about her and either freeze up or blurt out a wrong answer and I am at the top of the class.
Her name is Anna and she is extremely smart. She is not the prettiest girl, but for some weird reason she just appeals to me. She has light brown hair, is exceptionally intelligent and has this weird way of just making my heart and soul melt. Anna is just so caring and thoughtful; the purest being I have ever set my eyes on.
She is just so thoughtful and caring to other people. Anna is my role model, whether she knows it or not. This reminds me of when she went on a missions trip to Sudan with her church. Knowing that she was helping poverty-stricken people who were barely staying alive, made her look that much better to me.
I first met her a couple of years ago during a Math Counts trip and had fallen in love with her at first sight. I do not mean teen love, where couples tell each other they are in love when they are really not, I mean the real thing. My only problem is that anytime I am near her I act like an idiot because my heart just melts away into a puddle. 1

It is lunch time and I am starving. After I pay for my lunch, I sit down with my group of friends; Ashley, Rob and Hannah. We all met through band and have been good friends ever since. They all know about my crush and are always bugging me about it.
“Hey, when you gonna ask that Anna girl out”, Ashley says. She annoys me about it the most because she is pretty good friends with Anna.
“I’m not gonna ask her out”, I answer. (At least not now, but I’m not gonna let her know that).2

The next day rolls around, and it is first period again and still my heart just runs wild, just trying to get her attention. But, of course, exactly like every other day, I freeze up and can not get a word out or anything. It was just that today feels, a little different. I feel like today I might be able to actually talk to her. Hopefully she will not run away from me.
The bell rings, allowing sweet freedom for all of five minutes, everyone trying to get in a social moment before their next class. I make my mind up that if I was ever going to talk to her I might as well get it over with now. I walk over to Anna but I can not say anything to save my life.
“So, Anna, how ya doing,” I finally blurted out.
“Fine. Say, I know you’re smart and could figure out that geometry problem. So why didn’t you?”
“I accidentally wrote the answer to another problem,” I lie.
“Ok. So I see ya later okay”
“Cool,” I reply miserably. (I finally get the guts to talk to her and that is all I can say. Geez, what is wrong with me).3

Later on, I am at home talking to Ashley on the phone.
“Hey what’s up?”
“Nothing much here, but how are your plans coming to ask Anna out”, Ashley replies in such an annoying voice I wish I could reach through the phone line and strangle her on the spot.
“Well, no matter what you say, I am not going to ask her out. Okay”
“Yeah, I heard some guys talking about her earlier, about asking her out for the next dance. So if you’re going to ask her out you better get a move on .”
“For the millionth time I’m not going to ask her out. Okay. Cool”
I am so angry with her I hang up on her. 4

I start thinking about the issue though, my heart racing like a car going 180 miles per hour. I could ask her out, but what if she rejects my offer. Then I would just be left crying with a broken heart. It would be so horrible as is, but I would be a joke around all of my friends.
Finally my mind settles down and I fall asleep.5

Time slowly passes and the school days grow longer as I stare at Anna just wondering if I should just rush up to her and ask her out. This feeling of love in my heart for her is consuming all of my very being. Ashley, Hannah and Rob still annoy me about it but I have finally got used to it. 6

It is getter closer to Christmas and so there was a lot of joy and happiness going around the school. I am thinking about what to get Anna to impress her. I do not have much money since I had to pay my own phone bill now (God, stupid parents). I only have $50 and the it is the day before we got out for Christmas break. You see, the plan is to sneak the present under her desk before anyone can see anything. Then I can give her something and could not be rejected in anyway.
Well I bought her an awesome arrangement of roses and snuck into my math class really early so I wouldn’t be seen by anyone.
It was now about 7:45, time for homeroom. All of a sudden, I heard a sudden gasp and then a scream.
“Oh, Floyd, I would love to go out with you!”
(What?)7


Part 2
The Romance8


What had happened? My name wasn’t on there and none of my friends knew about my plans. So, the question is, how did Anna find out?
This smells like the work of Ashley. She is a friend of me and Anna, and she would love to see us together.
There was a dance on Friday of the next week (a school club could only book the gym during Christmas break), and even though I'm much of a dancer Anna persuaded me to go.
We walked into the gym, it was pretty dark. They had a disco ball hanging from the ceiling for light, and everyone was having a relatively good time. Anna got me onto the dance floor, where I proved that I had two left feet. But we had fun and during the slow dance (the only one I can do), Anna and I had our first big kiss. It was full of love and passion. In fact, when we stopped and looked around, everyone was staring at us, with their jaws dropped to the floor. After that we snuck out and talked for about three hours before heading home. Sure we both got eaten alive by our parents but it was well worth it.
I got to see her over break, but only by lying to my parents. You see, my parents didn’t think I was ready for a girlfriend. So I told them I was going to the beach with Rob, which I did, and met up with Anna later, at the Plantation, across the street. It had fountains where we could hangout and talk. We sat and talked for a while, then the right moment came and bam! We kissed, and it was amazing. Anna and I just had so much chemistry together, we were made for each other. I can’t wait tell my parents actually approve and we have more time.
Over the rest of Christmas break, Anna and I talked everyday on the phone and the computer, probably around at least three hours combined. We learned about each other, our deepest darkest secrets, favorite things and so on. Even though we weren’t together, we were getting closer by the day, until we were not just boyfriend-girlfriend, but also the best of friends. 9

Well, we’re back at school and Anna isn't here today (she’s probably sick, she had been slightly ill earlier in the week). It's science class, so I have lunch after this. Then suddenly, over the intercom, the principal said,"Floyd, please come to guidance".
(What, why would they need me in guidance. I wonder what happened?).
Mrs. Stuart, the guidance counselor (also my next-door neighbor, and a good friend), said, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but this morning on the way to school, Anna and her dad were hit by a logger truck. Anna is in critical condition at the local hospital, and her dad didn't make it. I will give you some alone time to think, and you can check out if you want to, so you can go to the hospital to see her. Remember, I will always be here for you.” 10

(How could this happen. I mean, everything was finally getting on the right track and then this. Why did something so tragic have to happen to a girl so sweet and innocent).11

Later on, I went to the hospital to see Anna. She looked in really bad condition and the doctors said they didn't know how long she could hold on. She was asleep so I wrote her a note saying:
Dear Anna,
I'm truly sorry about your dad. I love you and I will be at your side whenever you need me. I know you have my number so you can call me whenever. Don’t worry about what time of day it is. I’ll be here for you.
Love, Floyd
I don't how well she'll be able to read it, seeing that I started crying as I was writing it. I didn't want to leave her but I had to. Anyway for the next couple days, I won't be at school. But here with my Anna.
The next morning, it was a bright sunny day , but it might as well be raining, as bad as I felt. I felt as all the energy was drained out of me. Well, it was about 8:30, so I decided that I was going to see Anna, he would either be up or would soon be that way.
The hospital was very grim when I got there like someone had just died. (Oh no!). I ran up the three flights of stairs to get to Anna, but it was too late. The doctors told me that she had died in her sleep without any kind of pain. And that before she had gone to sleep she had written me a note in case I came back while she was asleep. It said:12

Dear my love,
I love you too, with all of my heart. If I die here, always remember that. You don't have to be sorry about my dad. I do miss him, dearly though. When and if I get better, can you take me to see him?
Love, Anna
That was too much. I fell down right there and cried my eyes out.
(How could this happen? Why did she have to die? Why couldn't it have been me and not her? Why did she have to leave me?) The funeral was the Tuesday after she died. Many people were out there, mourning the loss of a near perfect girl. The casket was open, and as I walked by, I couldn't help but break into tears. (She could have done so much. Why did she have to die and leave me all alone). When I finally saw her in the casket, some force, out of nowhere, picked me up and then I kissed her goodbye.13

School was now quite grim and dull. I no longer had someone to impress or someone to who I could let everything out to . My heart ached every day now, but I knew there was no way to help my broken heart. Most of the time I sat by myself. I mean everywhere. Lunch, class, even on the bus. I was just so afraid that someone would bring up Anna, and right now I couldn't bear to talk about her. The days passed and still I stayed to myself because I was very depressed about Anna. I just couldn't believe she was dead.14

Part 3
The Depression15

I don’t really care about anything anymore. School, my health, my friends, they are all nothing to me now. I know Anna would want me to move on with my life, I just can’t. Our love was so deep, but way too short lived. My life is basically a void now that Anna is gone.16

Today I got sent to the principal’s office for not doing my homework for three weeks straight. He asked me if I was okay(I used to have all A’s but now it’s straight C’s) and I said yes even though on the inside, my heart had a burning hole in it. I wasn’t going to see a therapist, I would just live through it, let stuff just sort itself out. 17

When I go home now, I usually just sit on my bed and think of how it could have been. My parents have noticed but don’t say anything because they really don’t want to dive into the subject. I don’t go outside except to catch the bus, so I have gained a couple of pounds. I’ve also begun to ignore my friends because I can’t handle much of anything right now. Pretty much, I’m emotionally unstable, something simple could throw me off the edge. I almost thought of killing myself, but Anna would have not wanted me to do that, probably no one would. It’s just so hard to live without her. To me, the devil had come and ripped my soul out and now I have nothing to live for. 18

I started writing today, just to see if that would help vent my feelings. All of it was basically depressing poetry, but it was a start. There is so much depression to get out that it will take a while to just delve below the surface. Unfortunately, I can’t show anyone because they will likely take me to a therapist, thinking I’m going to kill myself or something. The main reason I don’t want to go see a therapist, is because that it will just bring up the issue and that is the last thing I need right now. That would drive me off the deep end in no time. 19

I haven’t hope for life anymore. The poetry does help, but the feelings of regret and depression are more powerful. It is hard for me just to make it through the school day. My grades reflect that, all D’s. But I just don’t care, so I don’t try. My parents and friends make an attempt at helping, but have no result. I’m too far gone. 20

Later on, the night was growing stronger as I walked through the forest. Walking, plus the added element of the darkness and nature, helped to clear my mind. The last thing I needed to do was bring thoughts of her upon myself. It was still too early, too soon to do anything else. The pain was unbearable, I wouldn’t even wish it on my worst enemy. 21

Rain started pelting me, gently, but soon I was completely soaked. Oddly enough, it was relaxing. Like the rain was draining me of my depression and hurt. Draining me of memories of her, but they were still there. Haunting me, my very soul, my very being. “Death,” they say, but I ignore them and think, “Good, light, happiness.”