It's Hard To Believe

It’s hard to believe that it’s been over two years and it’s hard to believe that it’s been only two years. It’s hard for me to believe that the person I was back then and the person I am now are the same, I can’t understand how I let myself be that way, let myself become that person. I became everything that I’ve ever hated in humanity, everything that I’ve ever hated in myself and that took over my entire being, it took over the person that I thought I was. The memory of that time still kills me, because in everything that I’ve ever been through both before then and since then I have never felt that bad and if I have then I have never let it affect me the way that did. I was damned close to a wreck for a very long time and I don’t know what it was that held me together, other than you. It’s hard to believe that she was the person that you stood by, the person that you watched destroy everything in her life, because I doubt I would’ve had the patience to stand by her. And like I say it’s even harder to believe that her and me are the same person. I know that it was all a long time ago, water under the bridge and a buried hatchet, but it still pains me to know how much you gave me, because you stood by and watched me whilst I drove everything away and you stood by me and helped me through and for everything you did back then and for everything you have done since then I am forever grateful.

It’s hard to believe that after two years, despite all the arguments, all the heartache, all the accusations and all the insults we are closer than we have ever been. Even though I don’t know where to go from here it barely seems to matter, because things have never been this good between us. It’s hard to believe that after two years of arguments, heartache, accusations and insults we are as close as we are, it’s hard to believe that you are still my rock, still the person I tell everything to and it’s hard to believe that I still love you.

I don’t know where I’m going with this or why I’m writing it, other than the fact that, as I’ve been prone to say lately, I felt like it. Whilst all of this is hard to believe I now can’t imagine it any other way. It’s hard to believe all the useless facts we know about each other, hard to believe that my phone inbox is filled full of stupid comments, hard to believe that it’s become situation normal.

It’s like I’ve said to you recently, half the time I don’t know who I am, what I’m doing, where I’m going or what I’m going to find when I get there. But with you that barely seems to matter. I’ve come to realise that it doesn’t matter who I am, because I can live with the person I am right now because she’s a million times better off than the person I was two years ago, and it doesn’t matter where I’m going because I reckon I’m going to enjoy the journey there. The past six months have been some of the worst times of my life, many times I felt like giving up, but like you said to me ‘when the going gets tough the tough get tougher’ and I reckon that there’s more in me yet. I’ve been beginning to think that I’ve got nowhere left to go and mentally, physically and emotionally I didn’t know if I did, but then something made me look around me and I realised that there is always somewhere to go.

Like I say I don’t know what it is I’m trying to say or why I’m writing this. It’s just a few things that were on my mind. I find all of this situation hard to believe, because I never thought that we’d be here again, but now that we are I find it hard to believe that it could be any other way. Two years ago, three months ago, I never thought that we would be back here, and three months from now I don’t know where we’ll be. But right now I want to say thank you for everything that you’ve done over the past two years and for everything that I should be thankful for because, although you say I shouldn’t be, I will be forever grateful for that. Thank you for listening to me, yelling at me when you knew I was being ridiculous, for letting me yell at you when I was just so frustrated that I had to yell at someone, for letting me lie to you when you knew that I wasn’t telling the truth, for watching me as I self-destructed and waiting around to pick up the pieces, thank you generally for just being there over the past two years. I doubt I could’ve done it without you. Thank you for the trust, for the jokes, for the insults, for the laughs, for some of the best times of my life. Just, because I have never been known to say the truth about my emotions to your face, thank you.