For three days she had taken an evening stroll through the grassy area winding among the palm trees, ‘bathing’ in the cool of the autumn freshness. Her demeanour overflowing with a calm joy as she took advantage of newly acquired freedom to stimulate her skin with the fresh taste of contentment; recently blossomed maturity pulsing like a beacon through smooth, pure, firm, budding curves.
He had noticed her wandering the palm garden. It was impossible for him to ignore her. He had tried to intersect with her last night but she had kept moving and it was as if his presence had gone unnoticed. Tonight would be different, as the evening cooled and with the first hint of dew across the grass he had selected his favoured club and was now sitting quietly between the Golden Cane and a large Cycad.
Sure enough, with the distant flicker of a television set indicated the commencement of Law and Order SVU she made her appearance. Slowly at first, cautiously following a safe path with a clear view to each side. There was hesitation in her movement not seen before, it was as if alarm bells were sounding a warning, yet with time she settled and confidence entered her movement as she wandered further towards the open space where the scent of the evening freshness was strongest.
She had passed the Alexandra Palms, making her way towards the clump of Elizabeth Palms with their inviting perfume on the air. He jumped to his feet and ran forward with his club extended making a sweeping strike that caught her unaware tumbling her to the ground on her left side. Dazed and unsure what was going on, she instinctively rolled onto her tummy and lifted herself, again he struck this time a with heavy direct blow across her spine. She fell to the ground immediately taking two further blows. A third heavy timed blow gave off a crack, she quivered momentarily before motionlessness entered her body; he had shattered her spine. A victory smile came to his face, he gloated for a moment before rolling her onto her back. The pure lines of her post adolescent form still offering succulent youth and maturity. Her teary helpless eyes stared up with defenceless pity etched across his reflection.
He pushed his club to her throat crushing her windpipe and watched without feeling as she struggled to find air. Eventually her soft body fell limp, as the last of her young life had melted away. Without hesitating he put down his club and carried her lifeless body the few meters to a waiting pit, dropped her in to rot with the compost.
He walked to the house, placed his club by the back door and slumped to a chair in front of the television. His wife poured him a beer uttering, “So you got her.” He took a large swig and through a confident stare said, “Her DNA has been extinguished; the only good Cane Toad is a dead Cane Toad.”
A contest entry
- THE MOD SQUAD CHALLENGE by Cyber Artist.
700 points, ended April 7, 2007, 32 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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Just came back to read this again and share it with my friend as it is one of my favorites and i wanted to shock her with it. It worked she said it was really well written and i agree.
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Oh, you scared for a moment! I thought your story was something like gruesome horror. Man you made me laugh, and I tell you I really needed a good laugh like this!
You are such a great story teller and your humour is delightful! Thanks for this funny moment
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Well that was interesting, I wasn`t expecting that ending. Very good at introducing the twist. The sentence on Law and order had me confused for a while though, it didn`t evn click that it was a toad.
plot: 5, characters: 5.
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Quite ingenious!
That was excellently unexpected! How you can change the entire tone of a piece in only a few words tossed onto the ending! ENCORE! ENCORE! I especially enjoyed this one, Wattle!
Sheryl
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Duped your readers so well!!! Haha.. Very witty dear wattle .. Enjoyed it thoroughly.. I can say that now by the end of it.. For a minute there the story had become so dark n scary! But yes, its interesting to see the Toad's side of the story too.. And again.. its sad and funny. Keep writing please
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HAHA! I was reading this on the edge of my seat, wondering what was going on. I just seemed so cruel and heartless and I was like "what the heck?" It was just so sudden. she died? Wha? Then the climax occured and I nearly fell off my seat laughing. I was great. Its amazing how you asume that its a gorgeous girl or something and then suddenly she is dead and not exactly beautiful at all...
In the second paragraph, first line, you might want to put a period or semi-colon between "garden" and "it."
Great job! I loved it!
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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Thank you 'GryphonFledgling' having you become involved in and enjoy the piece makes having written it a true joy. (Thank you for the correction too - I need all the help I can get ).
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This was well written. I at first found it very questionable, about where you were going to go with this and such, but it was a clever twist, funny, good job!
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Thank you 'Kalamina' having you become involved in and enjoy the piece makes having written it a true joy.
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The Title
Your title caught my eye. You did, you had me all the way through this great pc. I was totally with the girl all the way. And thinking like a cave man thought he'd use the club lightly for his prize. Then with the whole very discriptive scene I was really bumming. Until the end and BAM! You got me the reader. Hahaha...This is such an excellent story! Jeez!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thank you 'dillpickle62' - it's a wonderful feeling having someone new read a piece at random and comment. Seeing in the piece what I planned is extra icing.
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You do seem to be getting better with each write... After reading your previous post I thought I had gotten my fill of mind candy this morning, but this one by far is my favorite piece I have ever read by you. You had me on edge the whole story and I should have known there was going to be a clever twist to this piece, but I didn't expect anything. When I read the ending I couldn't help but giggle and tell myself I should have known better...... Wonderful read as always. Stay Happy. Kia kaha, Rox
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Hi Kenten, Julia
Ms Rox, you flatter me. Your comment had me a little taller in an instant. One day I’m hoping to write something truly worthy of your praise. ---- Thank you (stay beautiful)
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This is truly a clever piece of writing. I had no clue till the last line and was totally caught up in your discriptive scene setting. One more victory to Queenslanders and one less toad sauntering down the road.
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Thank you 'lightwing' you are most kind (and very wise).
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This toad ain't no princess!
It is said that you have to kiss a lot of toads before you find your prince. Well, I guess in Australia that is highly unlikely. LOL!! My initial reaction was..."gee, now that is so cruel beating up on toad like that. What'd she ever do to you!" Then the word Cane stuck out in my mind, thinking, first, how'd ya know she was a female? You pick her up by the legs spread 'em and look? Second, well there must be something special about this particular species that is warranting my "master of scribble" to give her her 15 min of fame! Soooo...I did a google search and low and behold the first image that comes up is of a guy holding the darned thing by the legs spread wide open.(it's a girl)..lol.lol...a giggle turned into a downright belly laugh! Then I read on...wow, you do have a problem. Your character feels about Cane Toads the way I feel about slugs. It brought to mind the movie The Frogs..ewwwwww...perish the thought!!! Well now here's my thinking...have someone from Australia go to Hawaii send a post card with frogs on it and a message,,. "wish you were here"...then, instead of garden gnomes put up traps with bobble head hula girls (for the boys) and bobble head tanned hunky surfer dudes (for the girls) inside. Gather them all up (with the post card on the inside of the cage/trap/burlap bag)fly them over Hawaii and parachute drop them on one of the islands with a note on the outside saying "they were homesick"...
My dear darling wattle, you kept me riveted to my seat. While reading I thought my my wattle aren't we getting a little dark and gruesome? I love it!!! If you don't win the gold with this one....well...I'm just going to have to cyber tattoo a cane toad on the hosts chest!!
~Michelle~
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thank you Michelle you are very kind to visit and read with such passion. Give the Shiraz a break it seems to be having you wonder in mid sentence (ha).
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I agree with wht Barbara said on this story. I loved the twist ending of this. The best of luck to you in the contest.
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Thank you 'AmunKama' You are most kind.
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Wow. The ending was definately not what I expected. ... I felt sorry for 'her', until the end.
Well done, and very well written. You pull people in to the story, and make them a part of it.
Thank you for entering, and good luck in the contest.
beginning: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 4.
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Thank you Ms Barbara, a compliment from you is like a holiday where warm sea breezes touch unwrapped skin and bare feet stroll upon soft sand.
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You had me the whole story
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Thank you Huntress. You are very kind. ;f
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LOL and may they stay on your side of the fence this was extremely cleaver and had me guessing all the way. you had me engrossed your description was spot on. I look forward to the next install but you set the bar hight with this one...
Cyberartist
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Thank you Mr Cyberartist. You are most kind.
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