Kookaburra (formerly untitled) Ch.TEN

“Scott?”

It’s Matt’s voice. I don’t look up.

“Scott,” he says again, “are you – are you okay?”

“What do you think?” I say, only a hell of a lot less clearly.

“Sorry dude. Bad question.” I don’t lift my heads from my hands. The mattress next to me dips down and I feel his hand on my back. When he speaks again, his voice is quieter, as if he’s afraid of being heard. “Look, Scott… I’ll help you find him and all, but… I need to know one thing. Just one thing. Are you… are you in love with him?”

The question takes me aback. I’ve never put Matt down as the sensitive type. “I… I…” I raise my head slowly, and look at him, all too aware of the sticky tears down my face. “I think so.”

“Then I’ll help you,” he says, standing up and offering me his hand. “Come on. Let’s go find Kaden.”

***

“Scott, it’s six fucking o’clock. We aren’t going to find him.” I look up at Matt from the bench, my eyes whispering the word, ‘never?’ through the strands over hair plastered over them by rain and tears. He sighs. “Not tonight, anyway. I’m sorry Scott, but…” his voice trails off, and I break our eye contact. He’s right. I could call him a liar and a traitor and so many other things all night long, but at the end of it all, he would still be right. I sigh, and push myself up, my legs twitching after not being used for so long.

“Okay. Let’s go.” We start walking.

“Well, well, well,” comes a voice, “look at the two Nancy boys.” I look for the owner of it, and find… Chris. Shit. He’s walking to us, all the guys around him. I notice mine and Matt’s places have been taken over by Jake and another guy I don’t know.

“Fuck off, Chris,” says Matt, but his voice is wavering. I can hear it. I wonder if they can too.

“Oooh,” says Chris, “someone’s getting antsy. But I guess I understand. It’s always hard when someone voices the truth you’re scared of realising.” There’s this horrible, malicious grin on his face. For some reason, it hurts me to see it there.

“Chris, I’m warning you, if you don’t leave right now…” But Chris being Chris just laughs, fucking laughs, and keeps walking closer. I start to back off, but Matt grabs my arm, pulling me level with him. Before I can say anything, he stares right into my eyes and hisses between teeth, “satisfaction”, and I understand completely.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Chris has reached us. He spits to the side, his eyes glowing anger at us. “Fucking fags. You disgust me.”

I was scared now. Twitches dart through my legs, shivers along my body. I’ve seen what Chris can do.

“Chris, seriously…” says Matt, the fear more prominent in his voice, “just… it’s not funny anymore, okay?”

“It was never meant to be funny,” says Chris, his voice rising, fists clenching, eyes blazing as his face turns to mine. “You disgust me,” he repeats.

I don’t know how, but I somehow feel the pain before I see his hand raise up. I hear Matt yell, I hear Jake and the other guy laugh long before the ground falls upwards to meet my skull.

And all I can think is a single sentence, even through the punches and the kicks and the blood. This is what we did to Kaden.

***

“Drink,” says Matt, placing a glass of water in front of me. I try to shake my head a little, but it turns into more of a jerk to the side. “Dude, come on. It took me ages to find a glass that wasn’t broken or chipped or whatever.”

“I’m not thirsty…” I mutter, even though every time I talk my throat is sandpaper over wood.

Matt sighs and sits next to me on the bed. “Suit yourself.” He pauses. “God, Chris is such a twat.”

“Took you long enough…” I mutter.

Matt snorts. It’s his own weird way of showing laughter. “Yeah, I guess. But still… what a fucking dipshit.”

“I… I’m tired,” I murmur, stifling a yawn.

“Okay. I need to go talk to Ryan,” he says, pushing himself up again. “You alright by yourself?”

“I’m sixteen fucking years old, I think I’ll be alright.”

“Okay,” says Matt, “just come and find me if you need something, okay?” He pauses by the door for a minute, as if he has something else he needs to say but just doesn’t have the words, then leaves. And I don’t know if it’s the exhaustion or emptiness in my veins, but somehow, I fall right asleep. And through the whole night, I don’t wake up once.

***

“Scott,” whispers Kaden, his lips close to my ear, “I love you so much…”

I try to push out a reply, murmur back “I love you too,” skip through all the clichés and give him something that can actually mean what I feel, but the words won’t come. Then he’s drifting away, repeating the words over and over, hollow promises of “I love you, I love you,” but it’s getting quieter, and his figure’s getting smaller, his green eyes are getting duller, and it’s getting so hard to hear…

I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to preserve the feeling his face next to mine forever, push away the fading images of his hollowed-out eyes slipping further away.

I open them again. The dark shadows of Matt’s room scream against my eyes, telling me “you are safe, child, you are safe”. But I’m not, because Kaden isn’t. And while he’s on the edge, while he’s out there by himself, I don’t think I can be.