imagine : a path to a starlit beach opens in the wall before you. Amid the soft sounds of surf you step through without hesitation. The cold sand feels good between your toes. You look down and see you are attired in a decent-looking swimsuit. Fine, its happening like this then. You walk quickly down to the water, eager to get to work, your real life already forgotten long behind you. After walking along the beach for a few peaceful minutes, you catch sight of him: a tall shadow walking towards you. 1
You don't speed up - there’s no hurry -- but eventually your paths will intersect, and you can't quite decide if you are happy and excited, nervous, or what. Perhaps guilt. Hmm. 2
You meet, he grabs you in a strong hug, you kiss... and the stars are suddenly sparkling within your skin, your body made alive at the discovery of this wonderful, natural phenomenon. 3
You turn together, on queue, and walk up toward the great gray old mansion, just past the dunes. It is exactly as you remember it, the door even left open. As you cross the threshold together you remember - Damn! I forgot to look up at the stars... everything is always in such a hurry. 4
The first body is at the bottom of the stairs, just inside the entry. The two of you grab her arms and legs and carry her into the kitchen, dropping her next to the back door. As you turn to collect more, you can't even remember what her face looked like... brown hair or black? 5
Damn... it's starting. As the bodies pile up so does the urgency, you and he working silently, efficiently. Unemotionally, too, until you see him start to smile, and the giddiness rushes through you, too. It won't be long now. Two more bodies, children with knives this time, in the upper story. They're small so you each take one. He kicks you with the teenager's blue toes. You start to giggle, then break out laughing - it seems SO funny - but you stop, suddenly remembering there should be something desperate, frustrated, unhappy about your work. The feeling fades. 6
Dropping the bodies in the kitchen, he dives at you, tackling you into playful wrestling. In your rolling, you eventually bump into some bodies over by the kitchen table, and you sit up to look at them. The distraction ends as he growls and rips the rotten tatters of your dress away. What happened to your swimsuit? No matter. 7
You can see his hair gray as he explores your body. Stars exploding in your skin with such emotion and ecstasy you can't help crying out. God! The two of you become one artistic expression, physical, natural, and so incredibly and easily, remarkably happy.... The rhythm consumes you; the room seems to pulse with your bodies' pleasure. As your head rolls back and around, you see the fingers of a nearby corpse burst into flames. This, and other wisps of smoke drift towards the ceiling from around the room. Your hair twists longer, graying tendrils that ignite as your passion overcomes you, as the world is consumed by flames, closing in on blackness. 8
A contest entry
- Welcome to storywrite! The first contest! by Kevin.
130 points, ended April 2, 2006, 8 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 66 of 66
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This is a compelling read, to me it was a dream state, kinda creepy, but full of fun and illsuion as well. I really enjoyed this piece, in a sadistic sort of way, the perfect marraige of good and evil!
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It's a compelling read, I feel as if I'm watching the disintegration of her personality - a sense of unreality in the realness. Yet reality is in the distortion.
It doesn't seem like a dream state, or a drug induced nightmare - it's too consistent for that.
Yep, I think it's the destruction of the personality into a deep psychosis.
You could use this as a base for a novella - or longer
I hope you do.
Lis.
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This was definately a very intense write with tons of excitement and adventure to keep the reader occupied. It reminds me of a couple of dreams i have had that just seem to be so natural yet on awakening were so strange. I loved the way you put the whole piece together, starting with a little walk into the dreamstate and ending without actually having a plot to end it. It leaves the reader to wonder what on earth happened here! Would like to understand the piling up of the bodies sequence. That was rather weird but got my attention. You have an excellent imagination which is suited for science fiction writing, and i know a lot of sci fi freaks that would definately love this tale. What more can i say, but great write.
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All I can say is that this was seriously intense. It kept my attention all the way through. Really great write. I have nothing bad to say about this one. It's captivating, descriptive, energetic.
Good write. Keep penning.
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Not Too Difficult a Puzzle.
Well, your critics have said "freaky, thingy, cool & stuff, strange, amazing, great, kewl, twisted, odd, confusing, and the usual, ubituitous awesome and wow!" What I see is a dream or an other-worldly entry into the next dimension, either accessed by death or ecstasy...perhaps even drugs. The tone of the progression and the sequence of events is dreamlike, other-worldly in any case. It flows. No hesitation, no pauses (but still some conflict here..."there's no hurry"...yet "everything is ALWAYS in such a hurry.")"Real life" (so this is NOT real life) is forgotten "long behind." This "walk" lasts only "a few peaceful minutes."
The tall shadow is a GOD figure...but...not a threat...although he "grabs you" "YOU (both)(of free will)KISS." So...this is amenable! But you aren't sure! (How can the reader be?)
Guilt? What can we feel "guilt" over? Life perhaps...what else?
The "stars sparkle within your skin." We have merged with the universe! No wonder she forgot to look at the stars! She IS the stars now! (The crossing of the "threshhold!")
The bodies: Detritus...of the left behind...and catching up LIFE!
The mansion...exactly as she remembered...door left open...(Been here before?)(Guess so!)
"Unemotionally" Of course. No more of that now!
The bodies, in fact, become play things. The GOD takes the woman...(and she cries out: "God!" (a little humor!)
They join...as all becomes one. ONE! The sexual and erotic overtakes the tale...the experience. "Rhythm"..."pulse"..."passion"..."consumation"..."pleasure."
Heat overwhelms...flames ignite from the intensity and heat. Black.
And so it is. A little bit of heaven...a little bit of hell!
GA
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Hmm, an interesting analysis I'm not 100% sure what I meant to tell you the truth.
When I wrote this, I had a horrible crush on a girl friend who unfortunately was interested in women rather than men I was also reading kaftka and was thinking a lot about freud's (Jung's?) argument that sex and death are closely related. I was staying up all night working on a math take-home test, and wrote this on one of my breaks.
So some forbiddenness, some attraction to the forbidden, some sex/death links, and a large dose of feeling close to nature, which I've always felt is one of the biggest sources of artistic inspiration.
Thanks
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DarkDayMagic said exactly what i wanted to say, only better.
this was really great! though there is one spelling mistake that i think i might point out: STORY = STOREY
...it's not a story as in a piece of writing, it's a storey of a house or building.
anyway, i loved this =] -
A dream? A casting aside of fears and inhibitions perhaps? Even a journey through the moralities of the human spirit. There are so many undertones here that I can't really decide what this was about. This was really good. I enjoyed it alot. Without describing anything fully, you decribe everything perfectly. There's a rhythm to this that I find almost inspiring.
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thanks for the beautiful review
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ohhhhhhh....kewl story, i really liked it but i dont think everyone will understand it..you would really have to go deep into it to understand what is going on
I think that you should keep up the work!
I think that you did a great job for this story.
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Love the effect of soft sounds of surf. In fact, you use the sound the words make in several instances to enhance the graphics, so to speak.
While it is an odd write, I think there is a lot of appeal in its "oddness". For some it will speak of day dream gone nightmare, dark romance, or even passing from life to death. I like the reference to regretting not noticing the stars before going inside as this is also the instant that the story takes a turn in mood and look.
It is a bit disturbing, but it also has the feel of being on an even keel even when a persons surroundings are odd and out of whack.
I think that lots of people can read several messages into it based on frame of reference in a persons personal life.
Glad I stopped by to read it. It is very original and different.
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deep
hmmmm...this story is a read in between the lines..and only a few will understand it if they look deep into it..good one Kevin..
Kari
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Intriguing, different.
An interesting setting.. an unexpected twist it was, yes.. but in terms of a story, quite interesting. I enjoyed it, though the caution light for me was on ever since the corpse wer introduced.. thats probably good. From an anlytical perspective its real good- the house of corpses: could be a small time undertakers place or some gruesome thing happening around.. but love making out there sure has a deeper meaning whether or not intended.Only one thing- the first word "imagine".. the words r descriptive enough for it to automatically happen-its conquered, doesnt need the instuction.
Enjoyed it
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Definitly strange. I'm not sure I understood it. I thought it was a story and then it turned into a dream maybe...or maybe a nightmare. See confused. Maybe a fantasy. Sorry I'm not much help on this.
~Syren~ -
Enjoyed!
I enjoyed reading this. Heh.. I know I'm waaaayyy behind on the review-seeing as you posted it up in 2001, but I'm fairly new around here so I figured you could cut me some slack
This was great.. I felt like I was in a dream Great job!
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attention grabber
I thought it was very good. You c=kept the tension growning throughout the story. The only thing is there are some parts you should explain more. Such as: why should you have looked at the stars? or, What was up with all the bodies? But all in all it was a very exciting story!
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attention grabber
Gosh I'm sorry, I forgot to fill in the verdict. -
This reads more like a dream you had rather than a story. Your writing in a style that is more like a dream recall. One of the first points here I found confusing and which made me think this was a dream was the begining. You are asking the reader to imagine walking through a wall as if for the first time, but then you recount things as "exactly as you remembered." Who is the actual character? You or the reader? If this is in genuine story form, I find that part confusing. What takes place here that makes this a recall rather than a first time? Missing are scents and sound. All those bodies and no stench or thuds as you "drop" the bodies? Where were the bodies being taken to? Why the kitchen and what significance did it have? As far as the laughter while working, I found that to be more of a human element. As when we work in such places/fields we do aquire a morbid sense of humor as a detactment mechanism. I like that you added a little guilt factor which was quickly disolved. Passion so hot that the bodies ingnited. No longer are you dead! The imagery is excellent in that one can see the stops and starts, finding themselves suddenly in one place then another. If this is a dream, if you read and go back, you will pick up more details as you go along. If not, an extemely vivid imagination you have! I also found the female perspective very interesting. While it could use a little more detail I found you held my attention in spite of it. Please be aware I'm not used to the rating system. I don't know if I'm doing this quite right. This is taking some getting used to.
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Smooth like a dream that you remember the best details of...
Pretty good story with amazing descriptions and details o0o0o0o0o When I read this is just swept me away and made me feel like I was in a dreamlike state (no worries that is a good thing with me lol) oh btw.....somewhat crazy...lol but you made it work...like it was somehow okay to have a pile of bodies.......lol
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This story was exciting.
This story seems to just carry the reader away. The scene was very realistic. It excited me because I could feel everything deep inside. -
not sure
was it erotica or a horror story. sorry i didn't understand it. -
It started so great and it held my attention--- but too many dead around and children? It is a great write but too much left out even for a dream. As a writer you far best me so what can I add. Jackle
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thanks for your comment, I appreciated it! I agree, I need to spend more time fleshing out the details
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Fascinatingly weird
This, starting out so calmly, a wishful dream, then becomes surprisingly strange....dead bodies, piling them by the door, frenzied lovemaking on the floor, with more dead bodies around you, burning.... definitly weird, definitly unique, definitly worth reading
I found myself absorbed in this uusual piece Dee
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Fascinatingly weird
This, starting out so calmly, a wishful dream, then becomes surprisingly strange....dead bodies, piling them by the door, frenzied lovemaking on the floor, with more dead bodies around you, burning.... definitly weird, definitly unique, definitly worth reading
I found myself absorbed in this uusual piece Dee
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This is an exceptional story, one which I really found exciting and stimulating to read, unlike some of the other stories I have come across on this website. However, you need to hide the story more from the reader, let them imagine what you see. Don't simply descibe everything. That is the only fault I could find, but as I said it is still a riviting piece of literature. Expand this maybe.
Johannes Kepler -
This is an exceptional stroy, one which I really found exciting and stimulating to read, unlike some of the other stories I have come across on this website. However, you need to hide the story more from the reader, let them imagine what you see. Don't simply descibe everything. That is the only fault I could find, but as I said it is still a riviting piece of literature. Expand this maybe.
Johannes Kepler -
This is good, but what has it actually got to do with Myths and Gods again? Anyway its really imaginative.
x~x
Good Luck -
that is fucking twisted. that would so be me... that is even worse. that is fucking awesome
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wow!what else is there to say but WOW!!! wonderful job!
Beth -
Really love the imagery you use in this story. You can actually feel the emotion, and perceive the sense of touch...etc. I love this one and was surprised.
Rose
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wow! lol What might have inspired this from you I do not know but it is awesome!
Aimee xo
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Whoa an eroic/horror story thingie. I like it. Kinda wierdhow you told the story.Sort of like a dream with the bathing suit becoming a dress and the unanswered questions of why and how?
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I really liked this story- I really like stories that have great unsuspecting twists!! I love stories that keep me guessing!! plus your descriptive style is really amazing!! Great story!!
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Damn.....*lol* I really liked the beginning, and the way you wrote it even felt like I could hear the voice speaking to me, strange sensation...not sure bout the rest, too much dream like quality, all fucked up and you can't make sense of whats what and why, though....some of those dreams allow you just to feel, not to be cluttered by logic and sense...you captured that here in this piece and I believe captured your readers up with you in a whirlwind of sensation.
-Angel aka WoundedAngel. -
That's kinda freaky. But like it was cool and stuff. I like short stories like these- the kind that don't kill you with thousands of pounds of deatil.
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If only I could write out my dreams like you do then they might not seem so scary to me.
****lisa**** -
umm ok??? I dont think I understood why there were dead people all around, but yeah, this was kinda freaky...
you have a lot of discription here, and true emotions...the fear, and the questioning of why, where, what happened, when are the cops getting there, ect...that is one intriguing piece of writing you have here...bravo to you ~~Jenn -
7/10
In the first stanza I think you could come up with a better word than 'attire' the word just doesn't seem to fit this piece to me. It is a good draft piece, and I say that because that is how it reads, I think more could be done with this piece. It kind of reads like a B movie script (and I have read a lot of those) but, doesn't mean B movie's are bad, I like B movie's. So, again, a good piece here, just think more can be done with it.
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neutral
is it hot in here or what? Great read, enjoyed better than a romance, don't care for them much anyway,,,keep them coming,,, -
excellent
One of the strangest pieces of (I hope) fiction I've ever read. Strangely compelling though. I enjoyed the ambiguity especially - so much more room for the imagination. The ending was absolutely fantastic. I love that image of an aging, consuming passion. Hope to see more of your work up soon. Cheers, Kym. -
excellent
Most unusual, enjoyed it
-Brandon -
neutral
yeah this was definately weird but it is really good....i wanna see more -
don't touch it!
Very dark and delicioussssss!!! lol
Gayla -
excellent
Scary, gripping, weird, amazing, thought-provoking, perverse. Loved it yet found it disturbing too. Great imagery keep going!!! -
neutral
This was an unusual experience for me...I love to read but I've never read anything quite like this before! Completely baffled by the dead bodies all over the place! Certainly held my attention...liked the beginning the most! -
don't touch it!
Passion should be in everyones life. Everyone wants the perfect life of love, children, and marriage. Everything changes as you get older from your style so the way you do things. Most important things in yuo life should be the people you love, not your work, nothing is more important and nothing should ever be. -
thanks you guys
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excellent dream qualities in it... the changing of clothing, the disassociated emotions, thinking how you forgot to look at the stars... I can never seem to capture those when I write down a dream... it's like my mind insists on making it rational. great write- a joy to read
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Good and imaginative fantasy writing!
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'Tis a truly frightening dream, my friend!
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Very dark and chilling.
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wow....very vivid discription... i must say i'm curious about the background too but that can be good as it lets the reader's imagination go wild. nice work!
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intensely chilling write...really pulled me in with the beauty of the first few lines & made me hold my breath as the story progressed...I didn't quite grasp the full meaning, but I enjoyed reading this
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i was kind of scared with the whole ripping and growling thingy and bodies... hum...
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You have vivid imagination, that actual gave me chills.
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I agree with Sharon - very good but what the hell was that!!!?
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Hi Kevin. I joined the Allpoetry site mainly for the short story area. I am spreading my wings into fiction(I consider myself a poet). I read your story and realized I was holding my breath. I certainly didn't expect to be so immersed. I am a bit confused, but then, good writing doesn't have to be pat does it?
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i really have no idea how this all came about, but your way with words is astounding. truely beautiful
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I loved this. It blew me away. I'm just a bit dazed after reading it, taking a step back from the world you so vividly described. Im thinking, what then???
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I almost can't think of a thing to say... but indeed, this is something very very very interesting - I can see that the technique used is rare. Very few authors attempt it because it is different. It's very good. Reminiscent of 'Aura' by Carlos Fuentes. I think you would enjoy that novella immensely, and I highly recommend it - it comes in a genre related to this one. Love and death are a theme as well as love living on forever beyond death.
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beautiful
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wow
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death and love. reminds me of Skakespeare.
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wow, I had to read it more than once, it just calls out with an intimate beauty.
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take me there, O dreams...
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