Obsession

There is an underlining reason for everything that takes place in this world. Fate has its way of providing us with what we need when we need it, as I have been told by countless numbers of people. Others believe in God, or in a higher force to always have a master plan.

But what if the idea of fate is all just a person's way of making themself feel more secure in the sense that they really have no idea what will ever happen? What if these so called higher forces are our own twisted ways of denying that we have control of our own lives? What if all that we do is not for a reason because there really is no reason for anything at all? Does this mean we make up our own reasons as a way of filling an empty void?

I have come to the realization that I am obsessed. I am obsessed with the desire to learn, to understand and to know... everything I can learn. No I do not want to have control over others, nor do I like to be rough in areas of my life, such as in relationships or sexual encounters. I am obsessed with wanting to know what others may dismiss as non-significant. I am driven to almost complete madness when I feel I have not learned something new about myself or my life in a day's time.

I am a walking contridiction, however. Although I have the drive and the motivation to successfully grow in my knowledge, something holds me back. It's always the same thing that makes me feel I have to contain myself and just keep my nose in my own business.

And the thing I refer to is you.

You have made me this way. You have pushed me over the edge, to the point of "no return." You were not a bad influence. Oh no, if anything, you were one of the best things that has happened to me. You had always been there for me, always willing to give me your hand and your heart. I treated you as anyone would after a long period of time: I took advantage of you. I had forgotten what it was like to not have a life without you in it.

So you were perfect. Oh yes, you were everything I knew I needed, everything I could have asked for. Except when I said it, I meant it. It was not something that was just thrown around like how it was in other relationships. No, understand me, you had such an impact over me. Everything you did was radiant, everything about you glittered and sparkled. I had everything I needed, but I found myself questioning you. "How can anyone possibly be so amazing?" I would ask myself, with admiration, love and infatuation. So of course, after a year of dating, I asked for your hand in walking down life's journey with me. And of course, you accepted me. For a long time we were happy, but something always seemed wrong. Something was always missing.

Things had begun to take a turn for the worst. 15 years I had mastered knowing the ways in which you thought, the ways you talked and acted. You explained to me once that only people that have complete love for each other would take the time to notice such things. And you continued being everything I needed and wanted, for such a long time. You and I never had to fight, because we wanted to compromise and fix things out.

And for the first time in our relationship, in our marriage and yes, even when we were dating, I realized something. You were wrong.

Only someone that wanted to weaken someone else would notice things that others would not notice. Only someone that wanted to break down a person would notice someones pros so they could lower them to not outweighing their cons.

I finally realized how much I truly loathed you. For so long I had been in love with you, and to this day I still am, but I could not stand you. You and your ways of never being wrong, of always being humble, always being right.

And finally, for the first time, you messed up in what you said. Finally, after so long of waiting, you completely ruined your chances of continuing on. How was I to be with someone that made such a fatal error? Could you honestly tell me you would not have felt the same way, that you would overlook such a mistake? What else could I have done? Darling, you would have done the same thing.

You were wrong, and I was right. Therefore, I had to do what I had been planning on doing for so long, from the first day that we met.

I killed you.