Lose 30 Pounds Every Seven Days

With supermodels in bathing suits on the cover of sports illustrated and Halle Berry strutting around in dental floss for a bathing suit some people say that Americans today are obsessed with their body image. What do I say? Hell no! People who say that are obese and jealous anyways. My opinion is just the opposite; people do not care enough about their body image. 1

If people would just push themselves to the point where they can hardly move from pain, collapse from exhaustion, and become physically sick all the time then people would accelerate in their fitness the most. So what if you scar your throat and eat the enamel off of your teeth? It will be worth it to see that perfect six-pack in the morning. Gyms could even put a toilet next to the water fountains, for easy access to the people who really work out. In fact, if you don’t make yourself sick, you should be kicked out of the gym because you obviously don’t take working out seriously. Then you should be sent to a laziness rehab center where you will be made to work out every day until you’ve puked. Then if you still don’t work out until the vomit point, it shall be put on your permanent record, so everyone will see that you are a slacker when you apply for jobs and try to excel in life. Nobody will want to hire you because they’ll know that you are not a hard worker. 2

All sugar and junk food should be banned. If all junk food ever does is clog your arteries and make you overweight, why should we even have it in our lives? All vending machines will now only sell health food bars and fruit. Then all the sugar and Hershey bars and other junk will be sent a giant warehouse somewhere around Yugoslavia, and we can make all the Yugoslavians fat and unhealthy instead of us. If you are caught with a candy bar, boy, will you be in trouble; fat camp for you. You will be made to run 30 miles a day, bike ride, do the elliptical and Stairmaster at least once a day, if not more, depending on the ounces of candy you have. If you think the cops crack down hard on drug trafficking, wait until they start cracking down on candy trafficking. There will even be a special governmental group to deal with this illegal activity, and they will be called the FCI, Federal Candy Investigation. Those sugar whores will get what’s coming to them. If they have more than ten ounces, then they will be sent directly to hard-core fat camp in Minnesota, and made to get up every morning at four and go jogging. For a second offense it will be jail for life, because nobody wants candy junkies running around the streets corrupting poor children. But really, who would even commit a second offense? You know that little section in the back of your grocery store that’s all health food? Those will now be expanded to the entire grocery store. The only food that will be sold will be the most health efficient and low calorie. Everyone will love this new law; one, because it gets rid of all weight problems; two, because it prevents heart attacks; three, it will save money; and four, people can stop feeling guilty for eating so much crap. 3

If you have tried everything, from working out to eating right, then there is only one thing left for you to do to try to get in shape: cosmetic surgery. If everyone just liposucked all that fat away, they would be ready to run their hardest and do their best because they wouldn’t have any fat weighing them down. Instead of breast implants there would be breast reductions because who really needs all that extra fat weighing them down. Girls would really not want that disadvantage against guys. It’s just unfair. Boobs are a waste of time and energy. Sure, some people think they look good, but soon people will see they are just unnecessary fat storage. If a certain amount of time and a certain intensity of working out and dieting just hadn’t worked out well for people for one reason or another, liposuction is the way to go. Don’t worry about infections or that small chance of death; it will definitely be worth it in the long run to have that perfectly healthy, zero percent body fat physique. 4

So see, if everyone just got in shape we would have so many fewer problems in the world. People would have a higher self-esteem, there would longer life spans, people would feel more energetic, and we would just all in all be happier. There are many great ways to keep in shape, ranging from a healthy diet to exercise; then if all else fails there is always cosmetic surgery to get rid of that unwanted fat. This health plan is an excellent one, and if everyone would just see that we need to work out to the point of being physically sick, ban junk food, and get cosmetic surgery and breast reductions the world would be a better place. 5