I never told anyone this, but I was born with a tail. It was green, scaly, and definitely not diaper friendly. No one understood where it had come from, I mean, the rest of me was perfectly normal (some people might say that's debatable), I just had a monstrous tail sprouting from my derriere. I didn't mind so much, but my parents were mortified. No son of theirs was going to be a circus sideshow, or even the main attraction (which actually would have paid quite well, and later, as a toddler, I sued them for loss of income). The doctors' plan was to surgically remove it (i.e. lop it off) and they went about sterilizing the surgical equipment (i.e. the axe and chopping block), while my parents wept over their poor mutant son (i.e. me), who was actually quite happy.
They took us into the Operating Room, where they had my parents sign an It's-okay-if-we-miss release form. The head doctor (who looked a lot like Forrest Gump) picked up the axe and said, "This won't hurt you a bit," to my parents. Then, with his full strength, he brought the axe down on my poor, unappreciated tail, who never did anything to anybody. Unfortunately, he was holding the axe backwards, and only succeeded in bludgeoning my backdoor-dangler. The pain was intense. That's when the nurse (who looked a lot like Hulk Hogan) snatched the axe away from the doctor, and tried for herself (or himself, it was hard to tell). Unfortunately, she was holding the axe upside down and hit my tail with the handle, but because of her massive strength, the tail was cleaved anyway. The pain was even more intense, and to this day I'm still a homophobe.
When I regained consciousness, my parents were crying. They were crying because in the hour since the "operation", the tail had grown back. I showed my mother some of the tricks I could do with it, and she cried more. She cried so much that she went into labor again, which was rather unexpected. We rushed her to the maternity ward, where she gave birth to my delayed twin brother, an iguana who had no tail. My father accused my mother of sleeping with the pets again, and she accused him of not giving her enough attention, and Nurse Hogan accused them both of not giving his/her transsexual prostitution ring enough business. In all of the commotion, my brother and I escaped.
We were both feeling kind of hungry, after approximately nine months without any solid food, so we crawled off in search of the hospital cafeteria. On the way, we passed through Dr. Gump's office, where he was hard at work inventing the chocolate-covered shrimp (we weren't THAT hungry). He was so preoccupied that he forgot he was supposed to be performing surgery, but fortunately we happened upon the Operating Room next, where we accidentally performed the first successful double bypass armpit transplant. Unfortunately, the cancer was really in his elbow, and he died. And we still didn’t have food.
I discovered a trail of Jello cubes and we followed it to the Terminal Old People’s Ward. They were all barely clinging to life, in the hopes that they’d be visited by someone from their family, or someone that looked like someone in their family, or even someone they could pretend to mistake for a family member, who wouldn’t have the heart to tell them otherwise. As we crawled in, hundreds of shriveled arms stretched out in our direction and hundreds of shriveled voices called out hopefully: “Gladys, is that you?” “Herbert, have you finally come to visit?” We looked around us at the pathetic, ancient wrinkle-farms and we felt sympathy. So we did the humane thing. We unplugged all of the life support systems and continued our search for food.
The air ducts seemed like a faster route, so we climbed into the ventilation system. We passed over the room where Nurse Hogan was complaining that father never took her (him?) anywhere, while mother seduced a ficus plant. We passed over the room where Dr. Gump was meeting Lyndon B. Johnson (which was odd, considering LBJ had been dead for a long time). We passed over the room where Dr. Kevorkian was running his anti-depression clinic. And finally, we passed over the cafeteria (which was actually connected to the Hospital Morgue) and climbed down out of the ducts.
The Morgue/cafeteria had a takeout window, where you could order food or pick up a cadaver. Today’s special was Mr. Johnsons (they’d lost 3 already, and it was still early). Our inability to see over the counter (we’d just been born that day, remember?) meant that we had to crawl inside and get the food ourselves. The kitchen seemed abandoned, so we crawled into the walk-in freezer, only to be arrested by the freezer police. Apparently, by freezer law, you have to “walk in” (hence the name “walk-in freezer”). We were brought before the walk-in freezer king, Christopher Walken, who’d gotten sick of people doing terrible impressions of him and exiled himself to Walken’s Walk-in World. He told us an anecdote about two mice who fell into a bucket of cream. One gave up and drowned, but the other kept on paddling, paddling, for ages and ages, and then died of muscle fatigue. It was very inspiring. He said it was a metaphor for what was about to happen to us.
Sure enough, there was a giant bucket of cream behind his throne (I'm not sure he understood the concept of "a metaphor"). The freezer police hurled us into it and waited for us to drown. Fortunately, we were in a freezer and the cream was frozen. Unfortunately, my brother (the iguana) somehow managed to drown, and I skinned my knee on the ice. It really hurt. I waited until night, when Christopher Walken was asleep, and climbed out of the bucket with my brother’s body. I found the coffin where Christopher Walken slept and forced the dead iguana down his throat, choking him. By this point, I was starving, so I ate Christopher Walken. He didn’t taste great, but it was better than hospital food. Then I went back up to my parents (now I had 3, if you count Nurse Hogan, or 4 if you count the ficus).
We all went home. I grew up and had other adventures (with my tail safely tucked in my waistband). Mother popped out a few more iguanas (and a couple of ficuses). Father died in a tragic shootout between the freezer police and Nurse Hogan’s new ring of Popsicle Prostitutes (Popstitutes). The ficus plant became a religious fanatic, and then committed suicide. Nurse Hogan was the first he-she elected as President of the United States, and promptly turned all of the embassies into brothels. And the world lived happily ever after.
The end.
A contest entry
- Soda and Azara combine forces! (RUN!!!) by Azaradelle.
1200 points, ended April 6, 2007, 10 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Humor Contest by lydubs.
175 points, ended March 28, 2007, 9 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - To Our Darling Original Characters... by yumesandman.
500 points, ended April 2, 2007, 19 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Give me something good to read 2 by illegalfairy.
400 points, ended April 17, 2007, 37 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Write it Up. by asthray.heart.
530 points, ended April 22, 2007, 41 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Hey, look...a porcupine!! by Andrew Timothy.
225 points, ended May 1, 2007, 11 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Take a look!! Only fifteen entries so get your spot! by I Dare to Dream.
175 points, ended July 10, 2007, 9 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Quirky characters (Focused writing contest: part I) by Phoenix Orion.
175 points, ended July 18, 2007, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Humour - Weird - Fun by Asfand.
135 points, ended July 20, 2007, 11 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - "How it all Started" by Andrew Timothy.
250 points, ended September 15, 2007, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - "Voice" your thoughts! by Bitter Irony.
225 points, ended September 27, 2007, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - GIVE ME TWINS!!!! by SpellCaster.KaYa.
115 points, ended September 9, 14 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please feed me more often
Comments
1 - 45 of 45
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haha!
Wow, that was definatly original! xD
Very, very amusing! -
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True story. I miss my twin brother... =(
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OH MY GOSH!!!!!
you had me HOWLING with laughter that was hilarious!!! how do you think like that? i dont know where to start, so I guess I won't. but that was hilarious. really great job!! (=
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Very funny, but a bit confusing at points. Make sure the readers can follow the events of the story: random really isn't funny.
Also, try to cut at least half of the () in this story. They make the flow choppy.
Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck!beginning: 2, language: 1, plot: 2, ending: 3, dialog: 1, characters: 3.
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"I never told anyone this, but I was born with a tail. It was green, scaly, and definitely not diaper friendly." ~ A great beginning to another of your random stories, Brent.
That is the type of beginning I wanted to see in the entries. Great job.
~And now, story commenting!~
I loved how witty this was and just how..._bizarre_ the whole thing was. The concept of Christopher Walken as walk-in freezer king was great.
Thanks for entering and good luck!
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THANKS FOR THE LAUGH!
I enjoyed this very much. I'm looking forward to reading more of your stuff.
Anaya Roma -
omg...what a story daddybrent, what a story..that kinda is wierd and twisted in a hillarious sort of way
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That was unusual. Why would a newborn want to eat Christopher Walken? He is too cool to be eaten. *sigh*
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wtf that was funny as hell! poor iguana
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oh god!! that was funny!! lolz!! that was awesome! ttly cool! My msn id is crazed_iguana!!!!!
I liked this alot, this is totally what i was looking for and it was great. Good job!! The only thing i find not so good, is the use of brackets - too much. other then that its perfection in true bloom!
brillaint job! thanks for entering my contest! Good luck! Cheers! -
.........wow.......thats all I have to say. That was, by far, one of the most random things I have ever read. It was kind of funny, and the characters were certainly quirky, but it wasn't as focused as I was hoping. It was good, just not quite what I was expecting.
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Uhhhh.... haha....
This was amusing. A mixture of funny and the absurd to be sure! Where on earth did you come up with such crazy stuff? lol. It tells alot about your thinking process...haha...which is..uh...a little out there! LOL. (but that's not always a bad thing.)
Was an amusing read.
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Three words: Funny, Weird, Confusing! But It was good, and I liked it. Well, done,Good luck!
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this was really odd...really random...really interesting...kinda confusing at times, but it made me laugh which isn't usually done at all...good job
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WOw. I really don't know how you could come up with any of this!!! Its great though, fudging hilarous. Its very odd... . I love odd things. Good job and keep on writing these amazing stories!
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wow
this story was funny as hell. how did u come up with all of this? good job and keep writing
♠Punk
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HA HA HA HA (sorry I just had to leave another comment because I keep reading it over and over again!!!)
ITS HILARIOUS keep writing comedies like this pleeease or...or...I may just have to shove you into a walk-in freezer!!! LOL 
I
THIS!!!
, SARAH!!!
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Aaaaaaaaaas a matter of fact, since you mention it, most of my stories ARE comedies like this! And several of them have iguanas!
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Hilarious, laugh-out-loud funny, hiccups all the way, IT WAS SO FUNNY and RANDOM and the words chosen gave it a good flow that added to the humor. LOVED IT!!! GREAT JOB!!!
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Another great random comedy! Perfect for breaking the awkward silence...(although I'd have trouble remembering it all....but that's just me, lol) This was great
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LMAO!!
WTF!!! This was so god damn randomly hilarious. I mean come on where the hell did this even come from, you have some crazy assed imagination here. (or it is to late in the morning)
Hilariously good jobby don here, good job in the contest.
Lady M. -
WTF!!
ok lol this was hilarious. i was totally not expecting something like this. I mean it ate christopher walkin. That was crazy. This was freaken hilarious i loved it. I mean its so random with the religious ficus. lol reminds me of something my friend kristen would write. but yeah enough of my ramblings. This was a fantastically hilarious story and i loved the randomness of it. thank you for entering the contest and delighting me with your story. -
What in the name of...?
This was random, and absolutely hilarious! "...and to this day I'm still a homophobe" made me laugh so hard, even though I'm big on gay rights and stuff like that.
Good job. Write more stuff like this; few people write like this without failing miserably and producing an unfunny piece of garbage.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Interesting
I like this style of writing, it was, effectively, a short story but you packed enough into it. I commend you for your LBJ reference (I actually quite admire him) and also that you ventured out of the ordinary. I suggest though, when doing this, that you are sure that what you are writing will be easy and will be cohesive. You need to restructure some of your sentences,
"By this point, I was starving, so I ate Christopher Walken. He didn’t taste great, but it was better than hospital food. Then I went back up to my parents (now I had 3, if you count Nurse Hogan, or 4 if you count the ficus)."
Instead of then I, how about I then.
also
He was so preoccupied that he forgot he was supposed to be performing surgery, but fortunately we happened upon the Operating Room next, where we accidentally performed the first successful double bypass armpit transplant. Unfortunately, the cancer was really in his elbow, and he died. And we still didn’t have food.
ALT
Unfortunately, the cancer was really in his elbow so he died. The bummer of it all was that he still didn't have any food.
Try and make sure the audience will undoubtedly know what you are trying to say.
Please continue, you have great skill and potential, great ideas, just see what other advice you get but I hope mine is helpful.
All the best
LokkaLozza -
Now here's the thing. Random humor is hard to write. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it gets lost between the writer and the reader. It's no one's fault, just something that gets lost in translation.
I think that this is what happened here. I read it, and though the writing itself is very good and practically error free, the humor was lost on me. Maybe it was the "yeah right" over a toddler taking their parents to court, or the biologists' daughter brain telling me it's impossible to mix lizard and human DNA, but something didn't translate over.
So the writing-writing part is good, it's perhaps making it understandable to a wider auidence that needs work. It's not your fault at all that I didn't get it, just something to think about if humor writing is your way of writing.
^_^ -
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It kind of worries me that you looked at this from a realistic perspective (which I blame your parents for) and that could be why you didn't really get it. Sometimes you need to let go of reality.
Go ahead, let it go.
Set it free and watch it fly away like a butterfly...
Wasn't that beautiful?
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hahahahaha
Note to self and all others who read this: DON'T EAT HOSPITAL FOOD!!
Wow, your story was fantastic and actually left me speechless. LoL Quite an imaginative piece of art that just seemed a little too real... Hmm... The only question I have is: Why the ficus??? o.o...
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Ha Ha!
Why are there dead bodies in a CAFETERIA?! There's something wrong with that hospital. I also don't see how a human can have igaunas and ficuses! And who would elect someone who would turn embassies into brothels?! What has the world come to?! Well, you said the world lived happily ever after, so I guess those things are OK.
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Haven't you ever eaten in a cafeteria? The worst part is you can't tell when they've made a mix-up...
You don't think humans can have iguanas and ficuses? Are you a biologist? I didn't think so.
As for your third question, well, every male between the age of...well, every male. -
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For the first question, the only other time I've eaten at a hospital cafeteria was when my baby brother was born. All I remember ws spilling the salt and pepper all over the table. For the second, I always thought iguanas had iguanas, human had humans, and ficuses had ficuses! I never knew that a human could have an iguana baby AND a human as TWINS! As for the third question... well, I'm sure all the non-prostitute women wouldn't like brothels all over D.C. (or where ever the embassies are).
But as you said, the world is going to be fine!
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I have a strange feeling that either you're crazy, or inspired. Either way, I don't really care, the story's great!
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What, I can't be both?
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YOu and your iguana's I swear. I can honestly say I am speechless as far as the story goes. There is nothing that I can say.
Structurally... well I don't seem to notice anything or nothing is standing out at least. Good luck
*walks away shaking my head in disbelief -
Entertaining
Like everything I've read of yours, it is another wacky story that keeps me reading 'til the end. I can't even imagine (maybe I don't even want to) where you come up with this stuff. Your parents must be so proud.
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Actually, they disowned me because of the tail.
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Wow.
Thats really creative, good work! -
fantastic!
Haha!! So incredibly creative and just plain....bizarre!! Christopher Walken in the walk-in freezer... I love stuff like that! That story has to be the most original thing I have ever read in my entire life. I mean honestly were you on drugs when you wrote this thing?! A very entertaining read. Kept me on my toes, I honestly had no idea what was going to happen even just one sentence ahead from what I was reading. And nice way to to follow up at the end with the characters! I personally thought the ficus would end up with your Mom and the hulk hogan nurse with your Dad. But oh well, president is probably a better job for her anyway. Good luck in the contest!!
-17beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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HAHA
So many references. Catch me if you can. I can't believe you remembered that line. You'd have to be a sheltered loser to remember that line. I would know, I am one.
Seriously though great shat, although I think you might be reading my mind since i'm getting armpit surgery and my dog is getting his tail cut off.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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You freak me out, you know that?
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Wow I had a great laugh! I used to write funny stories, I really should start doing it again. I bet you had fun! I didn't really find any major mistakes. It was intense and kept me interested all the way through. Great imagination!
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Stalin, you're a funny guy, and it's just not the moustache. This made me giggle. My favorite part was the jello and the old peope. They both kind of creep me out in real life though.
Good job!
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Thanks, Gumby! When I was like 6, my grandmother was in the hospital and died of a stroke. I thought a stroke was the same as choking, and for years I thought she had choked (stroked) on the red Jello cubes. Just thought I'd share that.
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Well, I must say that your introduction was very forceful. Your work is rather sarcastic - obtaining the personality of the protagonist for sure! Wow, very bizarre if you don't mind me saying!!! Hahah yes, definitly made me laugh. Good work and good luck!
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ROFL!
Bahahahaha!
Cant... Breathe...
Oh god this was hilarious! I can't stop laughing! How the hell do you come up with this stuff? Seriously, it scares me at times.
Confusing and dripping with humor, god im still laughing!
And W00T!!! You're our FIRST entry! I was kind of beginning to feel cold, lonely and unloved... Then i felt like hospital food... Which i havnt had in a while.
Hospital food rocks! Soda must take after me dear...
Ahh great great great! Really loved reading this, and i suppose soda said everything i needed to say, so i'll leave it at that
Much love!
Yrs.
Azaradelle.
P.S. You don't really have a tail do you?
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Dad!
haha!!!! OMG, random much??? I was seriously laughing as I read through the entire thing!
I think this is the funniest one you've ever made! I think someone is inspired! I love the Hulk Hogan nurse thing, haha what IS he or she??? and the green tail (that got you in this ENTRIE adventure!!! ) The mom who likes things AND people the sudden giving birth thing.. and the iguana again! you even had Forrest Gump and Christopher Walken! To this day, I am wondering why people hate hospital food... I was a sickly child back then and I LOVED hospital food come to think of it, MAYBE THAT's the reason why I was so sickly 
*coughs* I am amazed at your mind.. and the fact that you do NOT have even one typo or grammar error I tend to have lots of those *claps*
I truly enjoyed this entry! you are the first! Thanks for the laugh dad!!!!!!
P.S. that means.. I have 4 grandparents on your side alone? yay! The more the merrier!
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