Mice VS Raccoons

Scene 1 The Kramden's apartment. Alice is at the sink when the door opens and Ralph walks in1

Ralph:
Hiya Alice2

Alice:
(startled) Oh! Hiya Ralph, you scared me, next time make some noise will ya?3

Ralph:
Sorry Alice (Ralph kisses Alice's check and smiles) Did ya remember to pick up those items I asked you to get me Alice?4

Alice:
Yeah Ralph, they're over there (she points to the shelf over the stove)5

Ralph:
(Ralph grabs the stuff off the shelf) Boy oh boy, the guys over at the lodge are gonna love this stuff! 6

Alice:
Why are you paying for all that anyway Ralph?7

Ralph:
I was elected refreshment manager last week Alice, don't you remember me telling you8

Alice:
(sarcastically) Oh, I remember now...poker, bowling and executive meetings...How could I forget?9

Ralph:
(steamed) How would you like to go to the moon Alice? 'Cause that's where you're going!10

Alice walks into the bedroom, as Ralph goes over the items Alice purchased.11

Ralph looks at what Alice bought and some of the stuff pours out of a hole in the bag on to the floor. Ralph looks at it bugged-eyed, then steams...12

Ralph:
Alice get out here quick!13

Alice:
(running out, startled) What's the matter Ralph?14

Ralph:
Did I, or did I not tell you to put out the mouse traps in here? Look at this stuff...ruined! The mice have had a field day with Cheetos, Fritos, Popcorn and Cracker-Jacks!!! Are we supplying snacks for the mice in this house now? I can't bring this stuff to the lodge meeting tonight! What am I gonna do now Alice?15

Alice:
Calm down Ralph, I can run out to Krause’s and be back in time for your lodge meeting.16

The door opens and in walks Norton17

Norton:
(slapping Ralph on the back) Hey Ralphie boy in there! Did ya get the eats for tonight’s poker...er I mean lodge meeting?18

Ralph:
(frustrated) The refreshments are ruined!! Look Norton, mice got into all this stuff!19

Alice:
Don't complain Ralph, I've been after you for weeks to get a cat, but no, you want to go the cheap way with these bargain store mouse traps (Alice holds up a trap) Traps that you refuse to put cheese in because it's too expensive!20

Norton:
Well, I gotta agree Alice, that Provolone is pretty expensive (he laughs)21

Ralph:
(sarcastically) Oh shut up...'provolone is pretty expensive'...a trip to Belleview is pretty cheap these days.22

Alice:
Don't yell at Ed, Ralph Kramden, it's not HIS fault, its yours!23

Ralph:
Now let's not get panicky.....24

Norton:
(Norton thinks for a moment) Why don't you get a cat?25

Ralph:
(Angrily) What are you nuts or something? Get a cat? First of all Mr. Johnson would never allow a cat in this apartment!26

Norton:
Why not, Mrs. Manicotti has a cat...(shocked) Wait a minute....her cat had kittens a while back! She said she was looking for a good home for them. Pal, I think you and Alice would make wonderful parents to a lil cat! 27

Alice:
Oh Ralph could we?!?!?28

Ralph:
OH NO! NO SIREE!! NOT ON YOUR LIFE!! (looking at Norton steamed)29

Norton:
Dum-dee-dum-dum30

Norton:
(assuring Ralph) Ralph don't you know Mrs. Manicotti's cat was a champeen mouser in 1947-8 and 9? 31

Ralph:
OUT! GET OUT! OUT!32

Norton opens the door and saunters out.33

Ralph:
OUT! (sarcastically) Champeen mouser...34


Scene 2: Exterior of The Raccoon Lodge. Ralph and Norton are dressed in their Raccoon uniforms, outside the meeting.35

Ralph:
Well Norton, did you see what happened in there? All because I didn't get the eats for tonight I can't be the refreshment manager for this years cook-out at Fred's Landing. They got some crust pal. Some crust! How dare they make me feel this small!36

Norton:
Well Ralph, that's a matter of opinion he he he, Besides you still have that (whispers) mouse detail if you catch my drift.37

Ralph:
You're right Norton. I gotta get rid of them, but how?38

Norton:
Do like I said!39

Ralph:
(shaking his head sarcastically) You mean get a cat?40

Norton:
It's the only choice you got. Unless you want to buy some of that provolone (laughs)41

Ralph:
Okay, look Norton, ask Mrs. Manicotti tonight when you see her if she still wants to give away her cat, and don't tell Alice yet, I don't want to hear the "I told you so's" 42

Norton:
Will do, will do....43

Ralph:
Remember, don't say a word to Alice.44

Norton:
But Ralph, Alice is gonna wonder where the cat came from.45

Ralph rolls his eyes and they both walk down the street.46


Scene 3 The Kramden kitchen, Ralph is pacing back and forth when Norton walks in.47

Norton:
Hi Ralph48

(excited and nervous) Well Norton, did you talk to Mrs. Manicotti?49

Norton:
I was too late, she gave the last one away last week...sheesh50

Ralph:
What am I gonna do now Norton? Think of something!51

Norton:
Have you looked in the paper? Lots of people give cats away to a good home (he looks around the room) You just might have a shot at getting one pal! (he slaps Ralph on the back)52

Ralph sits down at the kitchen table53

Ralph:
Hand me that paper on the dresser.54

Norton hands Ralph the paper and sits down. Ralph turns to the pet section and starts to mumble a few of the lines of an ad.55

Ralph:
What do you think of this one? "Free to good home one Maine Coon Cat... good nature, de-clawed phone Bensonhurst 5-770856

Norton:
(laughing) "de-clawed" Maine Coon Cat....57

Ralph:
What are you laughing about?58

Norton:
Cats need claws to catch mice! Sheesh!59

Ralph:
Keep it down Norton, Alice is still asleep.60

Ralph:
(Ralph hands Norton the paper) Here, you look, you know more about this stuff than I do. 61

Norton:
You got any reading glasses, I forgot mine upstairs.62

Ralph:
What am I an optometrist? Go ahead and do the best you can.63

Norton scans the paper and finds an ad...64

Norton:
Here you go Ralph. One cat named Bob. (laughs) What a name for a cat!65

Ralph:
As long as it's free pal, go upstairs and call now before it's gone!66

Norton takes the paper and walks out the door as Ralph gleams at the thought of getting the cat.67

Scene 4 Ralph is getting a bowl to put milk in for the cat that Norton got for him as Norton opens a can of cat food.68

Ralph:
What are you doing with that can of cat food? What are you nuts or something? How do you expect a cat to go mouse hunting if you're gonna feed it cat food?69

Norton:
You're right Ralph I didn't think of that. Boy oh boy, Alice is gonna go nuts over that cat! By the way where is it?70

Ralph:
It's in the bedroom. I don't want Alice to see it when she comes home, I want it to be a surprise.71

Norton:72

Ralphie boy, you got heart...I mean it...giving that cat a home was mighty big of you (looking Ralph up and down)73

Ralph:
Here, take this milk and give it to the cat while I put away these traps and clean up.74

Norton:
Will do! (he takes the bowl of milk into the bedroom)75

Alice walks in with Trixie carrying some groceries.76

Alice:
Hi Ralph can you take these bags for me, cause they're killing me.77

Trixie:
I'll see you later Alice, I have to start Ed's supper...corned beef, perogies and brussle sprouts.78

Alice:
(laughs) Okay Trix, see you later.79

Norton returns to the kitchen80

Alice:
Hiya Ed81

Norton:
Hi Alice, did Ralph give you the good news yet?82

Ralph looks at Norton steamed and shoves him aside83

Alice:
What good news?84

Ralph:
(smiling, bursting with pride) I wasn't gonna tell you till after supper....85

Alice:
Oh, Ralph what is it!86

Ralph:
It's in the bedroom!87

Alice rushes into the bedroom excited then comes running out screaming!88

Ralph:
(worried) What's wrong Alice?89

Alice:
That is a BOB CAT! and it destroyed your Raccoon cap, my best dress and had kittens in the closet!90

Alice goes out the door in a hurry to tell Trixie.
Ralph calmly walks over to the window, opens it and calls up to Norton.91

Ralph:
Norton pal, come on down, I want to show you something. The cat had kittens pal. COME ON DOWN NORTON...92

Ralph closes the window, walks over to the table, leans on it frustrated...93

Ralph:
"a cat named Bob"....94

End95


Copyright 2007 by Johnny Wheeler
All rights reserved